"the silver tint of the clouds of doubt"

stupidity

2008-12-13T00:58:00.003-05:00

I decided to make a decision thinking I was being wise and mature. After discovering the affects of my choice, I am sincerely regretful b/c my thoughts are running wild and I am now full of anxiety. Why can't I just make a choice and stick to it without feeling doubtful. Now, all I can think about are the potential consequences of this decision and it's driving me crazy.

What's the deal?

2008-12-10T10:50:00.003-05:00

Why is it that people are so rude when it comes to expressing their musical taste? It seems to be one of the only subjects where someone has the audacity to tell you your taste sucks or that you're somehow less cool b/c you like "so-and-so band". What's odd is that we would never dare criticize or belittle other preferences (wine, politics, values, choice in schools etc... the list goes on) so openly without restraint. This lack of restraint goes even further in that people actually judge one's social status and their level of sophistication based on music. That's a bit ridiculous, don't you think?

I also don't understand how a person can like said musician but then hate them once they realize their music is becoming popular. Or those people who only like indie/alternative artists that "no one knows" and then stand aghast and sanctimonious when a general inquiry is made.

In the end, shouldn't we just accept everyone for who they are? Who cares if a person likes heavy metal and you don't; it certainly doesn't mean they are lacking in musical taste. It's just different.

Goal setting

2008-11-22T13:06:00.002-05:00

A year from today I would like to run a marathon. I started jogging in the summer and in just a few weeks I was almost up to 5k but for some reason at midsummmer I decided to stop. Now I have to work my way back up again in terms of endurance etc...

I think I can achieve this goal in a year. I'm healthy, young and fairly fit.

Anyone out there in blogland wanna join me?

Night at the Movies

2008-11-15T02:03:00.011-05:00

Tonight my dad and I went to see Quantum of Solace, the new Bond film. I totally liked it despite some scenes that just seemed utterly ridiculous and totally fake (as in I could see the digital effects). In general though, it was highly entertaining and I must say, from a single girl standpoint, Daniel Craig was very appealing. Okay, who am I kidding? The man is ripped!

Despite the fact that it was a Friday night, the evening was long overdue. Usually my father and I watch at least a couple of films together a year, but it seems like ages since we last saw a movie together. I didn't really realize this until recently, but watching movies has been an informal tradition in our relationship over many years.

The first film I recall watching with dad was The Thing (1982). For some reason during the mid eighties dad had this obsession with sci-fi movies and programs (including a mad love for Dr. Who). I must of been six or seven at the time and dad brought the video home for my sister and I to watch. I don't know why he thought it was acceptable for our age category. If I remember correctly not only did we watch The Thing that night but also Aliens(1986). I'm surprised I didn't have nightmares afterwards. Most children would be petrified of an alien creature that poses as a dog and then violently assimilates an entire sled team of innocent huskies; or a spider-like alien that sits on someones face as a means of insemination and then reproduces by bursting forth from a man's chest cavity.

For some reason, I was never really frightened of horror or sci-fi films; especially the Nightmare on Elm street and Poltergeist type horrors we would watch at juvenile Sleepovers. The only film I ever remember being really frightened about was a compilation of horror stories in an anthology called Tales From The Crypt. The video usually entailed 5-6 short stories introduced by this half dead crypt keeper. The video that we rented had a short story about a girl who gets possessed by a demon and grows goat legs, foams at the mouth and flails violently around her room. For the longest time I would awake in the morning scared shit-less that I would have goat legs and foam residue on my face from the previous night's activities. My movie watching preference changed drastically in the following days to films primarily centered on comedic and romance genres.

The very first movie I ever went to see in a theatre with dad was True Lies. It's not really an action film per se but rather a chick action flick, if that is even possible. That same year my father took me to see Speed. I'm surprised he decided to ever take me to a film again. I guess he must of bought me this huge soda drink b/c right at the end of the movie (the part where Keanu is on top of the subway train with Dennis Hopper) I had this urgent need to pee. At the time I was pretty young, maybe 12, and so my dad had to get up and accompany me to the ladies room (waiting outside of course). I remember he was SO pissed when we finally got back into the theatre only to see the credits roll and a sparse assortment of elderly couples sitting in their seats chatting. For the longest time(until about 1997) I really had no idea how the film had concluded and never understood the general public fascination with a "potential romance" between Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock.

For the most part, my father's taste in film has really stuck with me. I generally like films that have action/drama with a non-fiction element, sci-fi/Utopian story lines or British comedies (John Cleese being one of my favourites). To be honest, spending time with him in this way really makes me feel like we connect, despite the fact that we actually don't communicate for a full 2 hours. Sometimes just being with someone is enough. I know he enjoys and appreciates it, even if he never verbally tells me so. It matters to him and to me and reminds me that really I'll never grow up. I'll always be his child. Even when I have my own kids he'll probably treat me to dinner and a movie. After all, he can't not pay, it's tradition.

Gripe

2008-10-23T02:41:00.005-04:00

In reference to my Facebook status, I've held back for so long I forgot how good it feels to say exactly what I think. I've gradually become more and more concerned with how I express myself, making sure I'm politically correct and being unoffensive. I'm tired of that crap. You know what, this is what I think:

1) I'm a bitch. Yes, I am on occasion rude to people in convenient stores, cafeterias, gas stations, drive thrus, retail stores (especially when they pester you to try things on or ask you your full address and personal info when returning a pair of socks) and anyone who just seems to irritate me. And puh-leeze people, I am NOT the only one who does this so stop being so shocked and judgemental.

2) I have a great disdain for arrogant and condescending people who constantly seek public self validation.

3) Stop asking me questions! Is it absolutely necessary for you to know all my whereabouts and thoughts? (My mother is driving me fucking nuts!)

4)For God sakes stop asking for my phone number and email. Just b/c I am pleasant and nice does not mean I want to fuck you, suck your dick, be your girlfriend or marry you.

5) Although good intentions are a lovely after-thought they are NOT actions. Just because you think something does not make it so. Stop telling me that you meant to email me or thought of me the other day but didn't know to call. I'd rather you say nothing at all.

6) Friendships can be quite revealing. It's amazing to discover that your friend is bossy, demanding, popularity obsessed and impatient.

7) Yes, I get drunk on occasion. No, Satan is not going to get me! No, I am not a raging alcoholic! And yes, I probably did flirt with you, tell you something inappropriate and speak with a raised voice, outside, in a family neighbourhood at 2am. (gasp!)

Long sigh...

That is all.

My first blog back in awhile and it's a meme

2008-07-20T21:10:00.006-04:00

So, here are seven random and maybe weird facts about yours truly.

1) I have a mad fascination with and phobia of bad weather. Whenever it's stormy I become very alert and pace around the house, no matter what time of day or night. Sometimes I get so freaked out I prepare for an emergency tornado warning by leaving the basement door open, getting my flashlight ready and keeping my teddy bear on me. Why I would carry a stuffed bear over a phone or some other helpful object is beyond me. Oddly enough, despite my fear, I am genuinely interested in tornadoes and would even consider accompanying storm chasers to see this phenomena up close.

2) After a long day at work I like to buy gossip magazines or tabloids. I am so into it, I actually have Perez Hilton marked down as a favourite on my internet browser and have almost been the first person to comment on one of his posts. To be honest, I'm more interested in Brangelina and the birth of their twins than the upcoming US election.

3) When I was young (around 4 or 5) I actually thought people would roll their shoulders to open a car window. I realize now that from the backseat of a car, that's what it looked like. I also thought the cars on the highway didn't move but that the lanes did.

4) For some reason I find the intro to the Edison Twins really catchy and have even been prone to singing it while in the shower and doing exercises. It also reminds me of my friend Travis who used to incessantly sing the background vocals while in homeroom in grade 9.

5) I worry when people automatically assume you know what you're doing just because you act confidently. The other day a client asked me about interest rates and mortgages. I gave him a suggestion all the while sounding completely sure of myself and my expertise. The next day he phoned to thank me and had actually done what I had suggested. I;d like to remind you all that I have no idea what the hell I am doing when it comes to mortgages etc... All I know is tax law and how to fill out tax forms.

6) I really dislike people who have bad sidewalk etiquette. Sidewalks are like roads: the right side goes in one direction and the left the opposite way. If people actually walked on the sidewalk like they drove a car people could move along WAY faster during rush hour. I mean come on, cars don't drive side by side at the same speed going in one direction preventing other vehicles from passing!

7) On occasion when I feel really sick, I like my mom to come over and take care of me. Just her presence makes me feel better.

I now tag:

Megarrah
Adrienne
Esther
Jordan
Ron
Rachel
Mark

Here are the rules:

1. Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
4. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

All done :)

Loathsome Barrie

2008-02-12T09:50:00.001-05:00

It's -30 in Barrie today. Why do I voluntarily live here? What was I thinking? It took me at least 15 mins to let my car warm up today and still I sat shivering. I left all my friends and normal weather back in Toronto. Why, Jesus? Why?

2007-12-08T23:01:00.001-05:00

So, there's a guy I work with who looks a lot like the dude from Prison Break. I think his name is Wentworth Miller (see below).

sigh...

Working around this guy makes me totally distracted and kinda googly eyed. I can't help it! It's rare to find such a beuatiful specimen in my place of work and believe it or not (FINALLY!!) he's not metro sexual, gay, or conceited. Apparently he's very shy. I have no idea what he's like because I cannot for the life of me talk to him. The guy is at least five years younger than me and I can't even look him in the face. When I absolutely have to talk to him for work purposes, I get all red and flustered. I thought I would get over the embarrassingly awkward stage of my life but unfortunately, I have not moved on as I had hoped.

Retro 80's

2007-11-03T01:35:00.000-04:00

I was bored yesterday and I came across some old Sesame Street skits/cartoons. These were some of my favourites or just ones that really stuck out.

How Crayons Are Made.
(Gotta love that snazzy 80's music)

Crazy Pointer Sisters Pinball

Thinking of U

1-20 Raga
I just thought this was pretty and kinda groovy

And finally: Here is Your Life
These are so creative and well, they make me giggle.

Painting of a Bowl of Fruit
(For some reason Guy Smiley reminds me of Travis Doucette)

Loaf of Bread

Caffeine

2007-08-24T16:15:00.001-04:00

I never realized how helpful coffee is at keeping me awake. That sounds like such a stupid and rather obvious statement but recently I have been discovering the wonderfulness of coffee. I usually shy away from it b/c I always get shaky after drinking it but man, when I need to concentrate it's totally helpful. I don't think I've drank this much coffee ever, even during all my university years.

LSAT suckage

2007-08-18T20:47:00.001-04:00

This past Monday marked the beginning of my LSAT studying. After encountering some minor delays (i.e. laziness, lack of motivation, fear and apathy) I finally got down to some real focused studying today (Saturday). I am still on track with my weekly study goals but am now aware and perhaps more realistic about the likelihood of my success on this standardized test. Before beginning my studying, I told my friend my ideal score. I was a tad...ahem, optimistic (out of my freakin mind, I must be brilliant to achieve the score I wanted). No offence to the LSAC people but my goodness, this test blows, particularly the logical reasoning section. They have ten different logical reasoning type questions all with key words and methods of choosing the correct answer. Most frustrating is the wording of the questions. They are so verbose that I get distracted and lost in the vocabulary and long sentences. Here's what I mean:

A habitat's carrying capacity for a particular species is defined as the largest number of individuals of that species that the environment can support for an extended period of time. Each species has its own set of resource requirements, and the carrying capacity of a given habitat for a species is determined by which one of these key resources is scarcest relative to the animal's requirements, and how much of that resource is available. In a particular area of wetland habitat that supports snowy egrets, it is observed over a period of several years that many nesting sites suitable for snowy egrets remain unused.

If the statement above are true, then which one of the following must also be true about the wetland habitat described in the passage above?

A) The habitat's carrying capacity for snowy egrets is greater than its current population of that species.
B) Suitable food sources are scarcer, relative to the snowy egrets' need for them, than are suitable nesting sites in the habitat.
C) At least one resources that snowy egrets require is not present in the habitat.
D) The number of suitable nesting sites that are available but remain unused is determined by the abundance of some other resource in the habitat.
E) Efforts to increase the snowy egret population in the habitat through careful introduction of additional individuals and key resources are unlikely to be successful.

Anyone wanna take a stab at this question? Seriously, if you get it right I'll be forever impressed.

It took me about 20 minutes to attempt an answer only to discover I got it wrong (hence the title of this post). What bothers me the most is that I can never seem to get the logic right. This causes me great frustration and worry. With practice I know I'll improve but there is this lingering doubt that I'll never understand the argument and fail horribly.

These feelings are premature, I know. I've only studied one section, which obviously is not reflective of my ability to do well on the entire test. Actually, I am quite good at the games section and rather enjoy those type questions. It's too bad the games section makes up only 1/6 of the test unlike the logical reasoning section which is at least 1/4 of the LSAT. Who needs logical reasoning anyways?!

Anyhoo, I gotta get back to it.

Bye bye,
Johanna

My journey begins

2007-08-08T20:05:00.000-04:00

We don't change what we are, we change what we think what we are.

Eric Butterworth

It's been a long time

2007-07-22T14:53:00.000-04:00

I haven't written here in several weeks. It's crazy how long it's been. Nothing new has really been happening. Well, that's not entirely true. So, here is a brief update.

I am currently helping to organize an art fundraiser for Romero House, a non-profit organization that assists refugees with finding community, housing, legal services and advocacy. It's going to be pretty sweet if things actually work out. Right now I am not feeling so hot about it. First, there are some problems with the liquor license. The LCBO guy (named Jesse) called me on Friday and told me I was missing all sorts of documentation for my application. I had no idea how I missed all this but I need to get the documents fast which means I have to run around like a crazy person. I am also having some serious issues with finding panelists for our documentary screening and discussion night. Right now I have only managed to contact four people. Two have confirmed, another has declined and I am still waiting to hear back from the other person. Honestly, I just want God to make the whole thing work out and be successful.

I got fired for the very first time. I have never been fired in my entire life until last Tuesday when I was abruptly dismissed. At first I thought it was something I did incorrectly but then found out that I was fired so the roommate of the chef could take my place. I was rather upset to say the least.

I gave in my notice at Hot House. Finally after eight months of pure torture and angst I got up the nerve to quit. It's not anything fantastic but it certainly makes me feel so much better. Going in to work has a new meaning when I know I am leaving in a week and a half. In some ways I wish I was leaving when they really needed me but in the end that's just me being selfish and vindictive. My work experiences here over the last few months have been very negative. I have never been in a position where I absolutely hated my job and my boss and had to stick it out for various reasons (financial, spiritual etc...). Things I have learned from Hot House: I NEVER EVER WANT TO WORK IN THE SERVICE INDUSTRY AGAIN!!!

I am most likely moving home to Barrie. I am not competely certain about this yet but am pretty sure it's going to happen. I don't want to think negatively about it so I am working hard to think of all the good things moving home will entail. I will have more money to pay off debt, I can study and focus on my LSATs and applying to law school, I will actually have time to apply for overseas jobs b/c I am not working so much and I can help my parents out with cleaning house and taking care of my grandmother. I guess my worry is that I'll be stuck in Barrie longer than I anticipate and be one of those people who works in the mall at the Telus kios at Christmas time (cough pride issues...cough cough).

I'm also feeling crummy about leaving my apartment. A girl came to look at the place on Thrusday night and she'll probably take it. I know I should just let her have it but I feel so possessive over it. It's so great and in such a nice location and... and I just like it so much. Leaving it will be very sad for me. But, it IS just a place to live. God has always been good to me in finding apartments and roommates so why should I question Him now?

Anywho, that's life in general right now. Not fabulous but not terribly sucky.

And one more quick question: who are all these anonymous people who comment on my blog? Really? I think you should write me a personal email letting me know your identity. The curiosity is killing me!

complaining

2007-06-09T23:50:00.000-04:00

The world is full of gay men and I seem to know all of them. And why, why are they always good looking and nice.

grrr..

boastful

2007-05-26T00:33:00.000-04:00

To make up for my lack of domestic abilities (more like laziness) I decided to do something special for Annie. I haven't done my kitchen duties in like two months (just so you know, she cleaned yesterday while I was at work)and since then she has been going insane. So to repay her for all her frustration, I scored two tickets to the best show in Toronto. Yes, I freakin rock and I must say, I am THE best roomie ever!!!

"What did you do, Johanna?", you ask. Well, I scored two floor seats close to the stage to see Feist. And yes, it's ALL for my beautiful, tolerant and wonderful roommate Ann Marie.

old people with guns

2007-04-23T00:33:00.000-04:00

If you get a chance, go see this film (below). The last forty minutes are pure hilarity!

That was all :)

Oh what a night

2007-04-16T22:17:00.000-04:00

So tonight was my second night of volunteering at 614, the Salvation Army Church located in Regent Park. I have to say, it was NOT what I expected. I had a feeling these girls could be rowdy but I never imagined they would behave so badly as they did tonight. The first time I went to squads things seemed so nice: everyone listened and willingly participated in curriculum, the girls enjoyed our craft activity, the hip hop class was productive and the walk home generally pleasant. I assumed Annie was over-exaggerating when she said it was tame.

Tonight they were so loud and obnoxious I thought my head would explode. There were two or three regular girls who attended that were not present last week. These girls were so freakin loud and argumentative that it was difficult to even get them to do simple tasks such as reading a couple sentences from a book or listen to a CD. It was not just their booming voices but the sound of them banging on the table, slamming the door, talking on their cell phones and knocking over their chairs when they wanted to change seats or leave the room. These noisy distractions were compounded by two boys who kept coming by to bother the girls. These two boys would not leave the girls alone and hung around the hallway and lobby areas of the building. At some points they went so far as to disturb the other squad down that hall.

As the evening progressed things just got worse and worse. The dinner made by 614, and I'm being diplomatic here, was less than par and completely unsuitable. The girls refused to eat the pre-made sandwiches and rather than eat the corn chips provided, they proceeded to have a massive food fight. By the time the squad ended, the room was covered with crushed corn chips and with no vacuum in sight, the clean up task seemed daunting. We attempted to get the girls to help us out but it seemed a useless effort.

As we walked home, it became clear how out of control they really were. Upon leaving the building, the two boys and some other girls who had joined us later in the evening took their water bottles (water we had given them might I add) and decided to throw it at a prostitute sitting on the curb. The kids were all over the street running around screaming and yelling. Of the 8 kids with us, only 3 girls had to be escorted home, a request made by their parents. This proved rather difficult as they would not listen to reason and would not obey. I didn't get frustrated, I just sat there and let them do what they wanted. How on earth am I going to control a 15 year old determined to undermine me and do exactly the opposite of what I say? On top of that, the girls we had to escort home were big girls. Can you imagine me, tiny as a stick, trying to get them home before their curfews by means of intimidation and attitude? I've got to admit, I have some sass but not that much to actually follow through with serious action. These girls are tough. I'm such a suburban middle class white girl!

Finally 2 of the 3 girls went home. The last girl refused to listen to us so we decided to go to her house and let her mom know that her daughter refused to come home. Of course, she caught on immediately as we changed direction and declared petulantly that she would run ahead of us and lock herself in her house. She seemed so indignant as she ran ahead and bolted her door. I think she really believed she had outsmarted us. In her attempt to undermine us, she did exactly what we had wanted. She went home. I laughed so hard I thought I would pee my pants.

After getting back, Annie and I spent at least 30 minutes picking up crushed chips from the floor. Then we had chocolate cupcakes, ice cream and whipped cream with 614 leaders. It was sort of a debrief where we talked about discipline issues, squad curriculum and rules. It was productive.

Despite what happened tonight, I still really want to lead a squad, particularly with this age category. I refuse to believe these girls are idiots and can't behave. They are so amazing and have such potential. Not only are they beautiful but they are so intelligent. I could only dream of being as quick witted as some of these girls. They have a comeback for EVERYTHING! The best part about this squad is that these girls have the same taste in music as me. For the first time in four years, I am around people who actually like what I listen to and agree with my musical tastes. When they hear some good reggae they don't cringe and express their distaste with Bob Marley, they get up and shake some ass! A Tupac song is not met with disgust but with sincere admiration. I like these girls and this community because at the heart of who they are, they are real people. They don't have pretense. They are mouthy, difficult and unruly and they're proud of it. You've gotta give them props for that kind of attitude.

I have no idea what I am doing or if I'll be successful as a squad leader but I know with God's help there is hope. Pray for hope for me and that I would act as God would wish. Pray for these amazing girls and that they would know the Father's heart and their immense value. God bless 614!

Venting

2007-03-22T23:50:00.000-04:00

I know I shouldn't do it, but I will. Below is a list of things that pissed me off today.

1) People who ask you out and are secretly married
Don't pretend to be single when you're not because eventually the truth will come out. For example: I answer the phone at work and end up taking a message from said persons wife. What the?!

2) People who take advantage of you
After working a 12 hour double shift (retarded) management insist that I stay late (when it's dead, might I add) to fold linen (stupidity) when they know I made plans. Which incidentally, I had to cancel b/c I was cut so freakin late.

3) People who don't bathe regularly
OK, that's just gross and very, very unappealing

4)Freaky men in TTC stations
I swear, everytime I take public transit there usually ends up being some wacko nearby. Either he's heckling people for change or either he's yelling profanities or some other such nonesense. For once, I would like to sit on the TTC for a full trip and not be bothered by some random idiot. I shouldn't call them idiots because they're most likely mentally ill (how politically correct of me).

5) Constant smiling
If I hear someone ask me to smile and "put on my game face" one more time, I swear I'm going to freak. After working several hours today I think my face is gonna fall off (yeah, that makes no sense. Meh... it's my blog, so suck it up or go somewhere else and read). What's wrong with a monotone greeting? Really?

6)Odor Eaters that don't work
I bought odor eaters last week to get rid of my work/shoe stink and they're not working. They're supposedly guaranteed to work for at least six months. I beg to differ, people! Maybe I just overly sweat? Whatever the case, my feet smell like... they just smell really really awful.

7)People who don't do their job (ie: lazy asses)
I ended up clearing/bussing tables tonight because the busser wouldn't do it. Oddly enough, bussers get tipped out more than I do. grrr....

8) Very cute and stylish boys who are so obviously gay.
What a waste :(

9) Pedophiles
Don't even ask how this came up today. Unfortunately it did and I want to ralph whenever I think of such perverted comments and the people who make them.

10) I have a bad cold. I'm not even sure if it's a cold but it's driving me nuts. I keep sneezing and my nose is so runny I feel like it's a leaky faucet. What's worse is all this wiping is causing my nose to chap. Eww... yuck.

Bah...

I'm such a complainer.

I don't get it?

2007-03-05T20:17:00.000-05:00

I am happy with my current state of relationship. So why, when I am finally satisfied with the way things are going, do people show up and like to mess up my groove? I have a good thing going and BAM all of a sudden people walk into my life and tempt me. They tempt me to do things I would never do and worst of all, they tempt me away from being loyal. Just so you know, I will not be swayed

There is always enough

2007-02-24T13:22:00.000-05:00

To live by these words is frightening.

unhappy

2007-02-20T03:10:00.000-05:00

I've had a rough couple of days. Since my last post it appears that every little thing in my life has gone wrong. First, I experienced some horrible cell phone problems: my cell battery wouldn't last more than an hour, my voice mail would not record messages and my cell phone would not ring leading me to miss a succession of important phone calls from friends and family. I was going to get a new cell phone last Thursday, but when I didn't receive my package, I called FIDO. Apparently my phone order had never been inputted into their system thus my new phone had never been ordered. I then discovered that all the information and quotes the first sales person had quoted me were completely incorrect and that I had to undergo the entire process again. I was rather frustrated to say the least.

Then I discovered our oven wasn't working. For some reason it would not turn on which caused me great frustration considering I had just bought a crap load of groceries to make various baking recipes. Then I discovered our microwave was not working. This occurred when I needed to make a quick oatmeal breakfast before working a crazy 8 hour shift at about 7:30am. Of course the phone problems made it rather difficult to call my landlord regarding the stove and a repairman regarding the microwave. This was all compounded by the fact that my family was calling constantly in a worried and angry frenzy to express their distaste for my serious lack of phone etiquette.

Meanwhile, my laptop proceeded to crash suddenly. I assumed I had a virus so I erased ALL my files trying to reformat (probably not the wisest decision). I realized there was a major issue when windows would not reinstall. I took it to get fixed and was told that if there was a hardware problem other than the hard-drive I would have to send it off to HP for a minimal fee of $450. Considering my warranty just finished, I was quite upset by this news. In an attempt to help me, the computer repair guy diagnosed my laptop and found that nothing was indeed wrong with the hard-drive(sp?) and assumed I had just reformatted my computer incorrectly. The diagnostic cost me $45 and to top things off I was late for work. When I got home after working my 7 hour closing shift, I spent 4 hours reformatting my computer, staying up late into the early hours of the morning to reload all my programs and drivers. Upon waking up the next morning my lappy crashed again. I took it back to the computer repair place only to have them discover that the RAM chip I had purchased from them was defective. I was not impressed.

To top this all off, I had a humongous fight with my mom Friday night and have been working non-stop since last Saturday. More accurately, I have been working for over ten days straight. Upon arriving at work tonight all my colleagues, including the two on-duty managers and the owner, asked if I was okay. I must of looked like death because Andrew (the owner) decided to give me the day off tomorrow, which I will use to do laundry, fill out two job applications, clean my room and hang out with my grandmother. I think I might even attend an Al-Anon meeting.

To add to all this stress, I have been having a spiritual crisis as of late where I have been dealing with serious questions about God, His grace and His character. Perhaps I am coming to grips with my skewed and distorted image of God or maybe I am just at a point in my spiritual growth where I am beginning to define what a relationship with God really means. Regardless, this whole experience is exhausting, lonely and terrifying. The only person I feel I can relate to is an ex-boyfriend. I want to call him but I am petrified he'll think I'm emotionally unloading on him. I am also afraid of being that vulnerable with him. Who knows what I'll feel like after we talk (if I ever get enough balls to call him). Secretly (well, not anymore) I am never sure how I feel about him. Some days my emotions regarding our friendship seem clear and stable but other days I am filled with confusion. At times, I blame the loss of our relationship entirely on myself. That whole bit makes me teary.

Emotionally, I am all over the place and I just... I just need someone who will listen to me; someone who will be open to letting me rant and rave about the difficulties I am presently experiencing and then just encourage me. And when I say listen, I mean genuinely listen. I've realized lately that so many people just half-ass listen. They inquire but their inquiry is so shallow and when it comes down to it, their interest is fleeting. The average person will inquire, but only expect a short pat answer, which is usually followed by a quick response or suggestion. If it's a Christian, it's usually some cliched statement or casual suggestion followed by a quick prayer and then their focus returns to their own life. I am beginning to believe the only person who will care for you is yourself because others are so wrapped up in the daily going-ons of their own lives. It's not that I want to lament about the selfishness of humanity or pinpoint the mistakes of others. We're all broken and self-focused. I guess it's just nice when someone truly listens and sincerely empathizes. I admit, I need to work on this too.

Oh, did I also mention I got my rag too? Yeah, I've been overly emotional, extremely PMSy, crampy and pimply (AGAIN!). Damn hormones!

a little bit of this... a little bit of that

2007-02-13T00:30:00.000-05:00

So, life has been ho hum as of late. Nothing in particular to note except for a few random events/conversations/happenings, which made me happy.

1)Rob Jefferson
I talked to him last night at church. It was nice because we actually chatted naturally. If any of you know Rob, one of his most hilarious qualities is to make ridiculous claims/statements and attempt to defend them. For example: I mentioned that I wanted to attend the David Suzuki/Stephen Lewis event and he went on this ridiculous rant about how Stephen Lewis was crazy, irrational and an "unsupportable person". I found this rather shocking considering Lewis' reputation, prominence and extensive advocacy work for those suffering from HIV/AIDS. I attempted to point out that perhaps he was referring to Chomsky, but I was rebuffed with a fiery retort of... how should I say this... well, it was basically a barrage of conservative rantings (which probably came from the National Post) about how Lewis was anti-American and clueless in regards to the complex relationship between government and business. I laughed but didn't retaliate (I've gotten used to it by now). We went on to discuss Bush, the upcoming US election, Mulroney (barf), condos, university degrees and whose degree was better (I so obviously win, I went to UofT) and other silly random things. I guess the whole point of this long-drawn out paragraph is to say that I thoroughly enjoy Rob Jefferson. My goodness his weirdness makes me laugh.

2)Val
I absolutely adore Valerie Dovell! So much so that if I was a good looking boy, who played in a band, wore skinny jeans and had crazy hair and scruff, I would chose her to be my wife. Seriously, she is so hilarious and cute. I love the way we chat, her sweet laugh and all the fun and silly things we talk about (mostly work related).

3)Job apps.
I applied to Amnesty International for a post in Eastern Africa. It took me FOREVER! Actually, it took me all night. I pulled an all-nighter to apply to an NGO, an NGO which will probably never respond to my application. I wonder, what's the point of applying for jobs when I know over 80% of my applications will go unnoticed. You're probably wondering how in the world this terrible statistic (one I made up, might I add) would be something to be happy about. It feels good to apply for something. Just the fact that I stuck it out (all frickin 9 hours of it) and applied makes me feel proud. At least I tried and that's what counts.

4)The gym
I joined a gym today. It's called Fitness One and I got a pretty good deal. They offer a wide range of fitness classes and they even provide you with a personal trainer. I think this is pretty snazzy. What I found most interesting is that the person doing my orientation as well as all the staff were male. This is rather odd considering it's an all women fitness club. After mentioning this general observation, the gentleman assisting me became rather uncomfortable and to compensate, began to crack really weird sexist jokes. Does anyone else find it odd that primarily male staff are running a women's fitness centre?

5)Skinny jeans
Today for the first time ever, I tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I must say, I looked hot. What's even more surprising is that I am considering buying a pair. I never dreamed I would ever do such a thing, but they just looked so good. Heather and Petey will be pleasantly surprised.

6)Saving money and avoiding fashion suicide
After trying on several pairs of skinny jeans with cool new shoes and other flashy accessories, I decided to buy them. I went to use my Visa card but my refund from another purchase had not been put back on my card yet and so it was declined (how embarrassing). I proceeded to use my debit card only to have that declined for some unknown reason. Some would say that God was working to stop me from over-zealously spending my money in the typical conspicuous fashion of the average North American. I say, God was really preventing me from buying skinny jeans as it is only a short-lived trend which will be over by the end of 2007.

7)New cell phone
My new cell phone is arriving on Thursday. New technology and thingybobbers make me smile. I will also be pleased to talk on my cell phone for more than an hour without my battery dying. Nokias suck.

8)Lunch
I made a super-duper fantastic lunch for tomorrow. It's gonna be a good one (yum). I also made lunch for Annie. And tomorrow morning I'm making a pancake breakfast. I am SUCH a good roomie.

9)Visitors
I found out Ade is coming to TO on Sunday. Fun fun fun!

10)My appointment
I've had several people inquire about my previous post. To answer your questions...
No, I am not pregnant;
No, I did not get an operation;
No, I did not elope (ah ha ha, I wish);
No, I didn't irreparably burn and scar my face or have defunct palstic surgery (thanx Meg);
No, unfortunately I am not adopted and didn't find my other family. But wouldn't it be cool if I did and they were gloriously and wonderfully rich? All my dreams could come true (choke);
And no, it wasn't a "big" thing except to me.

Rest assured, nothing super significant occurred. I guess I was just trying to describe (as accurately as possible) my emotional state regarding a particular conversation I was going to have. I will not elaborate on here for the sake of privacy, but I will say this: since last week, I have felt much freedom and peace. It has been absolutely wonderful. If you really really want to know, call me and I'll tell you. That being the case, some of you need to get out more.

11)Decreasing amounts of pimples
My face is finally clearing up. For some odd reason during the month of January I experienced a zit explosion. I basically looked like shit for four weeks. Thank goodness it's improving and just in time for Valentine's Day too. It's not that it really matters anyway because I'll be spending V-Day at work and then coming home alone (no, I'm not bitter).

12)Abercrombie
I jokingly asked a gay guy out at work and I think he thinks I'm serious. Since then, he frequently attempts to flirt with me. That makes me laugh.

13) And finally...
English muffins with homemade Jam. Mmm... I'm gonna have one right now :)

That is all.

Nighty night.

dread

2007-02-06T02:48:00.000-05:00

I have a very important appointment tomorrow. I've known about it for awhile, but now I can actually feel it coming, feel it in my heart, in my stomach, in the deeps of myself. I can barely breath.

Right now everything is fine. I am okay, but tomorrow, tomorrow I may be totally different. I could be worse. My mind could be a wreck of thoughts. My emotions could be uncontrollable. My pain could be intense. Or I could be better. My senses calmed and my worries relieved. My heart could sore with love and joy.

This terrifies and excites me all at the same time.

Secretly I want to avoid what's coming, no matter what the result but I can't put it off. No matter what happens, I'll have to deal with the consequences of tomorrow. It's inevitable.

So... I'll face it. Feel everything there is to feel and deal with it all straight up.

I don't want to do this but I must. My curiosity is killing me.

How I wish I didn't make that appointment. My regret will be unbearable.

Oh Lord, help me.

Random stupidity

2007-02-03T00:36:00.000-05:00

Recently I've had a string of days where I just say the stupidest things to people and then feel utter embarrassment after the fact. If they didn't know me, which usually ends up being the case, I wouldn't be surprised if they thought me rather daft. Sometimes as I am talking, my inner self (in a daily dialogue) realizes the stupidity of what's coming out of my mouth, but is powerless to stop. For example, the other day while working in the back kitchen I noticed one of the kitchen staff cutting up some meat (mmm... beef). I guess he saw my expression of delight and asked if I liked meat. I responded with a strong yes. I wanted to say something further about how I would eat it all the time, but for some reason some horrid remark about constipation came out. I don't know what I was trying to say but the result has been rather unfortunate. Dude hasn't talked to me since Wednesday night and some of the kitchen guys look at me like I have a foot growing out of my head.

This thoughtlessness seems to be happening mostly at work. I'll bring someone to their table and rather than tell them to enjoy their meal, I'll say goodnight and abruptly leave. Or when I have a wait list, instead of calling out the patron names, I'll call out staff names instead. I feel like I'm having a brain fart or something. What's even worse is that sometimes I don't even know what was said. Tonight I was attempting to bring someone from the bar to their table and the person who I was chatting with had the strangest reaction, almost as if I had said something terribly offensive. I felt like I had missed something so I actually asked her if there was a problem and her response was that I was "a weird little person"(what the?).

I've had this type of thing happen before. It only lasted a few days but it caused me some minor embarrassment, particularly in the dating/crushing department. When I was in second year (Rachel, you'll love this story) I had a humongous crush on a boy named Tim Fairgreive(sp?). If anyone from Vic reads this blog, he used to be the manager of the Cat's Eye. Anywho, I was madly in love with Tim and wanted to get his attention. So when I heard he was a member of the International Relations Society, I decided to join. I couldn't possibly attend a meeting alone so I brought along my trusty good guy friend, Steve Haye (crazy tall gangly guy with bright red curly hair). Again, for those from Vic, Steve was the editor-in-chief of the Strand.

As we sit through this boring meeting, Steve concocts a wonderful cunning plan that will allow me to talk to my love interest. As the meeting concludes, Steve would approach Tim and start up a conversation with him and then I would join them. After some brief moments of talking together Steve would then leave and chat with my nemesis, Reem (who also had a crush on Tim) so I could chat with my crush without interruption or distraction.

Everything was going well. In fact, the plan was unfolding perfectly. Steve and I were chatting away with Tim. Of course, he asked why I was attending the meeting as he had not seen me there before and I told him that IR was my major. To make a joke (and to show him how witty I really was (laugh, choke)) I said the real reason I had attended the meeting was because my "hot and handsome" friend, Steve, was attending. To make my joke so much the better, I decided to say, "Oh Steve, you're so dreamy!" Here comes the brain fart. Rather than say Steve, I said Tim and when I realized what I had said, I actually stopped mid-sentence. So, what came out in full was, "Oh Tim". Of course, Steve told all my friends, who for the remainder of the year would yell out in a whimsical manner, "Oh Tim!" whenever I was around.

Anyways, the point of all this nonsense is that I have to get control of my impulsive nature. I've always been rather impetuous. So much so that when I decide to be wise and make a decision, I'll always end up doing the exact opposite in a rash manner (i.e. summer 2006). Maybe I'm setting myself up? Whatever it is, at present, it seems to have caused some minor humiliation and good entertainment for my friends and co-workers. Let's hope it passes soon.

I'm single

2007-01-18T19:48:00.000-05:00

Yes, you heard me. I'll say it again. I am single and that's okay with me.

I wish I could say I feel like that, but at this moment in time, any sense of empowerement and confidence in my singleness is completely non-existent. Perhaps this is because everyone around me is inflamed with mad passionate love towards their significant others and all I hear about is the enthralling glory of that experience. I want to barf. Seriously, I am sick of hanging out with my sappy friends who only discuss being in love or what "so and so" said yesterday that was wonderfully glorious. Every conversation relates to relationships, dating, sex or marriage plans.

Here's what I mean. The below is only a sample of conversations that I've had this past week. No lie, these are actual responses to my genuine attempts at normal conversation.

Example #1
Me: I'm looking for an overseas job. I applied for one in Haiti and if I got it I would consider myself so lucky!

My friend: Lucky? Speaking of lucky, I'm so lucky to be in love with the most beautiful girl in the world! Isn't she lovely?

Example #2
Me: I am so annoyed! My downstairs neighbour smoking is really getting on my nerves.

My friend: I could never live with someone who smokes, which is why I am so happy to be getting married to "whatsherface", who hates cigarettes just as much as I do.

Example #3
Me: My face is breaking out. I think I'm really stressed with my job, my parents and finding over-seas work.

My friend: Johanna, you should fall in love with your best friend, it's so AMAZING (long sigh)

Example #4
Me: How was your two week trip to Zambia?

My friend: It was amazing, I would have stayed there longer but I came home(starts to raise voice so "Betty Sue Perfection" can overhear) to be with MY GIRL.

Example #5
Me: I'm so glad you're back from Tanzania. I've missed seeing you. Tell me about your trip, I want to hear all the details.

My friend: It was amazing. I dated 6 guys while I was away and "hot'n'sexy Kenyan" is going to be visiting here in a month or so. I can't wait for you to meet him.

See... that is NOT normal. I mean, if I was asking for relationship advice or about relationships in general, then discussing a boyfriend or girlfriend would make sense. But as you can see, I am clearly trying to have normal discussions with people and their responses seem... well, retardedly off topic to the point of ridiculousness!

This whole situation has led me to feel rather guilty. I genuinely want to be happy for my friends and their new found romances. I should be happy, right? These are people I care about who have finally found someone to share life with, isn't that supposed to be great? I should be enthused and pleased but I'm not. If anything, all I'm noticing is their dwindling presence in my life and their growing disinterest in our friendship.

This whole situation is compounded by my mother, who is periodically bringing up the fact that she's almost sixty and doesn't have grandchildren. I find this ironic considering she made a rule for her daughters explicitly stating that there were to be no babies before marriages and no marriages before the age of 25. She also keeps calling me whenever someone I know from Barrie gets engaged. Unfortunately for me, three people in the last week have gotten engaged, which means I have to discuss this in some form or another when I call home. I know this is just some church tidbit my mom is interested in discussing, but I can't help feeling she is subtly pressuring me to find a boyfriend.

At this point in my life, I really feel called by God to be single. This is the time to get to know Him in a more personal and intimate way and really solidify what I think and believe. I need/want to prioritize my spiritual growth, but I feel constantly swayed by what's going on around me. I won't lie, I would like to be in a serious relationship, but I keep having these nagging feelings that this is DEFINITELY not the time for me. Maybe all this talk of relationships is a form of "spiritual warfare" (I hate that terminology) or temptation. Maybe it's me being tested in some odd way. Whatever it is, it's causing me to become more critical and bitter towards my unsingle friends, which can't be good.

The very fact that I am devoting an entire blog entry to this subject urks me even more.

Grr...

odd thought

2007-01-16T00:04:00.000-05:00

Since New Year's I've been thinking about honesty. It's odd how I keep so much of myself inside and never tell others exactly what I think and feel. I've often wondered what it would be like to tell the people I love just exactly how they've affected me and influenced my life. I could never tell someone blatantly in person what I think, unless it was someone I completely trusted and there is only a select few people I am comfortable with in order to do that. As for the others, I cannot see myself telling them my true feelings without embarrassment or shame.

As a child, I used to imagine my death (kinda morbid, I know). I would have some sort of weird disease(probably cancer) and in anticipation of my death (and probably to pass the time) I decide to write brutally honest letters to those important people in my life. After dying in a overly dramatic way preceded by speeches and long glances, my family finds a box with all my letters and realizes their task of delivering them. I think it so romantic to find a box of letters after the death of a loved one. It would become like a quest, kinda like in Immortal Beloved. That was a good movie.

I can see it now: ex-boyfriend from high school opening his letter with his children playing in the background. As he reads it, a look of confusion spreads across his face followed by a look of sadness ( if there was a camera it would zoom in on his face and sappy music would begin to play). After realizing how he had changed my life forever (lame) he would look all pensive (music change) and then gradually a smile would slowly appear(he is obviously having some epiphany moment). This smile changes from surprise to contentment. His wife asks how he is and of course he doesn't respond, he just hugs her and together they sit and watch their children play.

Yeah, I'm thinking my letters would not have that affect on people. Knowing me I would say something ridiculous and probably offend them causing them to rip up my letter and curse bitterly. Nah, both scenarios are unlikely.

Realistically: ex-boyfriend opens letter as his children play on their backyard climber. As he reads said letter, a look of confusion spreads across his face followed by a blank expression. He turns to his wife and says, "Did you know Johanna Howes died?". Her retort, "Who's Johanna Howes?"

Anyways, back to the whole point of this post: honesty. I don't want to write letters to my friends and family to cause them to feel sorry for me or to feel glad about our friendship (nor do I want to give them the impression I'm dying). I guess I just want to tell specific people how I feel about them even if I never get up the nerve to actually say it in person. I'll have expressed it in some form and at least they will have to opportunity to know. I imagine this task would be a lengthy one and would entail a lot of effort and time as I would have to locate people, find their addresses etc... Furthermore, I would have to narrow down who I actually want to send letters to. I can't send it to everyone, that would take forever. Who has time for that?

So, if you're one of those people who still read this blog after neglect for almost a month, you might just receive a letter in the next little bit. And just to reassure you, if you get a letter, I am NOT dead.

Updates

2006-12-13T23:05:00.000-05:00

So my landlord got a call from my neighbours complaining about drifting second hand smoke in their apartment. Jean Pierre told them he would address it immediately and is even considering asking the new tenants to move out if the situation cannot be rectified. He called me today to let me know they were going to do some construction in the basement to fix the problem. I'm really hoping it will work.

I also saw my one of the "smokers" the other day walking into the house as I was leaving. He was not very polite. I think he thinks I'm the mean anti-smoker girl who is trying to prevent him from enjoying his own house. Meh...

In regards to fasting, Esther didn't last too long. She broke her fast at around 2:30 by scratching her head. As for me, I still haven't watched tv yet and I must say, my life is so much more productive. I should have stopped watching tv years ago, particularly while I was in school. Just think of how much I could have accomplished. Mind you, watching tv in residence was always fun, especially in Marg Ad when everyone would sit and watch Sex and the City and Queer as Folk.

long nostalgic sigh

I miss university and it's communal feeling. Every evening I distinctly remember the familiar sight of getting off the elevator and walking into a common room full of fun. All your friends would be hanging out and playing ping pong joking about some residence gossip: the 5th floor Don who was dating a frosh, the stolen ping pong table from 4th, stealing Pat's beer and the weird phone sex the White Night had the night before.

Being bored never lasted for long. You could always go and find a friend to complain about your courses and the length of research papers. There seemed to be a never ending amount of conversational topics to dsicuss such as: 9-11, the rise of the new US imperialism, the art history prof who looked like Sean Connery(sp?)or the sociology prof who died his hair.

I miss the Halloween and Christmas parties and the catty girly conversations over lunch in the dinning hall. I miss the times when my girlfriends and I would put on the Rent cd at 4am and dance like mad to wake ourselves up or the many times we avoided writing our Force and Statecraft papers by jumping over Bean's large stack of newspapers. I miss sneaking St. Mike's and Trinity boys into the dinning hall when the T-Card lady was distracted talking to the janitor/gardner. I miss being carefree, with limitless options and an untouched, unblemished future.

Yes, I miss you, UofT.

My that was a long tangent.

On to other news... life is good right now. I applied to some jobs today, finished off my internship from Humber and found some amazing new job opportunities with Engineers Without Borders and the Aga Khan Foundation.

This weekend is also shaping up to be a good one. I'm hanging out with Chuck on Friday and then with Catherine later on. We're due time for some fun girly sister time. On Saturday I am spending part of my day with Nathan taking pictures then going out for lunch with Meg and hot police investigator, Raj and his friend Shekar. This will be followed by a fun going-away party extravaganza for my roomy, Esther, who is leaving to go back home and then to Costa Rica. On Sunday I am going to relax, hang out with my Vic pal, Patrick and then go to the Love Feast.

Should be good times.

Who knew fasting could be so much fun

2006-12-11T11:49:00.000-05:00

The sermon last night at Freedomize pertained to fasting and temptation and at the end of the service, David put out a call to recommit our lives to God by fasting. The pastoral team at Freedomize has decided to take the sermon to heart and will be fasting this week from Thursday night (12am) to Friday night (12am). I've decided to participate in this as long as I am cautious about what I do during those 24 hours. I can't do strenuous activities otherwise I'll pass out from low blood sugar.This whole fasting bit shouldn't be too bad except the part where Esther and I go to a party on Friday night. Let's hope I am seriously entertained at this event so I won't notice the delicious food nearby.

With the above in mind, Esther and I decided we should fast for a whole week. I decided to fast from television because I watch it too much as a method of procrastination. Esther couldn't really figure out what to fast from and decided she would fast from scratching. I advised her not to do this b/c sometimes one just has to get rid of good itch. She assured me she over-itches and that this is a really good idea.

My fast started this morning and Esther's begins at noon today (we just decided). She has now proceeded to scratch as much as possible in the next ten minutes.

This is quite entertaining.

Basement apartment chain smokers

2006-12-07T11:51:00.000-05:00

Over the last few weeks I have been noticing the strong odor of cigarette fumes. At first it was not that bad as the construction crew smoked during their lunch breaks as they completed the basement renovations. Periodically you could smell cigarette smoke wafting up the stairwell and into our apartment and on occasion, while they were working late, you could smell the smoke in our living room and sunroom. It never seemed to bother me as it quickly dissipated once the men were back to work or had left for the day.

Recently the smell of cigarettes has become unbearable. It seems that two young men have moved into the downstairs apartment and they are chain smokers. Yesterday before going to bed, my entire sunroom, living room, bedroom and bathroom reeked of stale cigarettes. It became so bad that during the night, I woke up to the smell of cigarettes and then proceeded to have a vivid dream about a crazy lady who lied to her landlord about smoking after her neighbours complained. This is totally off topic, but in my dream Felicity had a lovely room with 20 foot walls. Her walls were covered with racks and racks of clothing and shoes. I always thought Felicity had a lot of clothes, I just never imagined that she had that many.

Anyways, I have no idea how to fix this problem. I spent part of my Wednesday evening researching the Toronto munipical by-laws regarding smoking tenants. Man, tenants who live in buildings with smokers literally have no rights. The City of Toronto and the province has made significant efforts to prohibit smoking in public places (even on sidewalk patios) to protect people from the harmful affects of second hand smoke, yet they refuse to legislate smoking in apartment buildings, condominiums, complexes and converted residential homes. This to me makes no sense. It appears that I am protected from health hazards out in public but not in my own home.

Furthermore, the government is reluctant to put create new legislation for smokers in regards to their residences as it would infringe on their personal rights and freedoms. I do understand their point. The government has no right to intervene and attempt to dictate an individuals behavior in their own home (keeping in mind they are not participating in, endorsing or committing illegal acts). Under the provincial/territorial tenancy laws, people are entitled to "quiet enjoyment" of their home, which includes the right to be free from unreasonable disturbances of other tenants or their guests. I suppose a smoker could argue he/she is quietly enjoying his/her home and in essence not making any disturbance. I could very well make the case that drifting second hand smoke consitutes an inreasonable distrubance and request some form of remedy. A rememdy could be anything from renovations/repairs to the building to breaking the lease.

I am not yet clear on what course of action to take. Obviously the situation is not to the point of taking legal action. I think it wise to at least attempt to speak to my downstairs neighbours and inform them of how their actions are affecting me and my housemate as well as the tenants below and above me. Perhaps they would be willing to work out a possible solution thereby avoiding the intervention of the landlord. I am doubtful. There are so many places today that prohibit smoking I would think smokers feel pressured and discriminated. This type of request could propel my nbeighbours to be even more committed and obstinate in their right to smoke.

Considering I have not even seen these guys it would be rather unsettling to confront them after just introducing myself. I guess I could always write them a lovely Christmas card or when I see them in the laundry room introduce myself and be as friendly as possible. As we know, I am not the most tactful of people and tend to come off as very blunt. In this case, I don't know how long I can conceal my irritation.

Oh Father, give me patience and diplomacy.

2 questions

2006-12-05T19:18:00.000-05:00

1) How do you tell a friend that they've hurt you without looking completely crazy? I bet you're thinking, "they're your friend, you should be able to be honest with them." Yes, I know I should be honest, but I am afraid it will make the situation worse. Sometimes confrontation, even if it's needed, doesn't always have the results you would like. Apparently safe people confront people, thereby making them safe. Couldn't you be unsafe and confront people because you're aggressive and manipulative?

Ah manipulation. I found out recently that if you are trying to control another person through your actions and decisions that that is a form of witchcraft. This makes me feel rather convicted because I know there have been times when I have acted in ways that are unholy or that are not reflective of my Christian values just to make someone do something that I want.

I can't believe I just admitted that on my blog.

2) I think a guy friend likes me and I have no idea how to deal with this. We get along amazingly well and we have all the same interests but I just, I don't know? I'm just not that into him. I need advice here, people. In no way am I trying to point out how fabulous I am that a guy likes me and I don't return the sentiment. He is really sweet and so amazingly kind and I genuinely don't want to hurt him. So...what should I do? This whole business makes me stress.

Whenever this happened in the past, the guy would supposedly take my response well and then he would not talk to me for weeks and when I would see him he would avoid me. Then when I would say that I missed his friendship he would say that I had not talked to him in weeks and that I had been ignoring him. (huh?) Then we would attempt to be friends again but it would be all weird and things just never seemed to go back to the way they were.

I had a guy once tell me that he didn't like me b/c he needed to be with some who is more relaxed. Did I flip out? No. Did I refuse to talk with him? No. Are we still friends? Oddly enough no, but I swear it's not b/c things were weird, it's b/c he moved to another city. Seriously, you may feel rejected at first (relaxed? I am SO relaxed!! What the hell?!) but you get over it and realize that said person probably has good reason for not wanting to date you. And you anticipate someone better coming along.

Really, why is it that men get all weird when a girl says they don't like them? Maybe I am being one-sided. Perhaps I am being unfair and not recognizing my part in this. Maybe I was really ignoring my friend. Did make an error? The loss of our friendship could really be ALL my fault. Hmm... I wish I didn't have to deal with these things.

Well, on that note, I am off to a meeting.

Kinda exciting

2006-10-30T14:27:00.000-05:00

Take a look see...

My mad obsession

2006-10-24T15:29:00.000-04:00

Oh my goodness, I am totally obsessed with Grey's Anatomy!

I feel incredibly lame talking about a television show on a blog ( I need to get out more) but this show is so AMAZING I just have to talk about it. Recently I rented a DVD of the first five episodes from the first season on the advice of Lavle (who knew eh?) and since then, I cannot stop renting Grey's DVDs. Last night I began the 2nd season and oh my God, I want to change professions and hopefully one day marry a mirror image of Patrick Dempsey (long sigh).

Since watching the show I have also developed an inner narrative. As I was getting ready for work this morning I proceeded to describe my emotional state in the third person using silly analogies of breakfast preparations. Sometimes I am so glad no one can hear my thoughts but God. He must laugh at some of the things I think about. It must be highly entertaining.

On to other news, we were given a security tape of the guy who robbed our office last week. As we watched this robbery unfold I felt uneasy but couldn't pinpoint why. After taking a stroll over lunch I realized I had seen this guy walking into the building a few weeks back. What's really sucky is that he was very good looking, probably one of the hottest guys I have seen in the last month. He had this awesome gray jacket with nice jeans and he wore these fantastic gray pumas. He looked Italian. For some reason I always like Italian men (?) And just to clarify, not the gino types who like techno music, evicta backpacks and dance with glo-sticks.

So... I'm infatuated with the guy who stole our office monitors. He may be a jerk for stealing from a non-profit organization dedicated to improving the lives of women all over the world, but he certainly looks dang sexy.

Shallow much?

Clue #1

2006-10-19T23:32:00.000-04:00

Tengo que aprender español...
¿Puede alguien ayudarme?
Pienso que necesito a amante latino caliente

I just need someone to teach me Spanish. Let's hope that's what I said.

The thriving metropolis of Sarnia

2006-10-15T16:24:00.000-04:00

Last night I hitched a ride in a rental car with the Hunters to attend Ann Marie's fundraiser for her trip to Mozambique. After a long four hour drive to Sarnia we arrived for an event that was not what I had expected. I guess I assumed it would be full of young twenty somethings like most Freedomize outings, but instead it was packed with "old" people. It's rather silly and mean to call them old as they were mostly in their 40s and 50s, which is actually quite young if you think about it.

In light of the crowd, the night was your typical small town church event. They had a spread of food laid out in the church gym with a makeshift stage displaying African printed blankets and pillows. They served coffee and tea in Timmy's cups with various other assortments of potluck type hors d'oeuvres. I find Church suppers usually always provide one with exposure to new combinations of food. There is always some jello mixture with marshmallows, odd variations of tomato aspect, and egg salad sandwiches with some form of homemade pickled vegetable. Fortunately for me, Annie had made most of the food so it was all normal in appearance and taste and very yummy.

Following the fundraiser Ade and I helped Annie clean things up and then the three of us headed over to the local pub to meet up with Ade's friend Ron and his dad. Hanging out at a random hotel bar on a Saturday night with a middle aged man was not my ideal, but the evening turned out to be very enjoyable.

Ron's dad is your typical Brit who comes from the town of Liverpool. He had an accent, which as the evening porgressed, became thicker as he drank more alcohol. At some points it became increasingly difficult to understand him. Despite his inebriated state, we became engrossed in a conversation on British politics and colonialism. This man was probably the most patriotic Englishman I have ever encountered. He was so infuriatingly pro-Commonwealth (England rules the world, we are the best colonizers, and we should still rule the world) that I had to work to contain my utter shock and disbelief at the ridiculousness of his claims and opinions.

After graduating from university a few years back, I often wondered if my education was a waste of time. Would I ever need to discuss long-term effects of imperialism and the rise of neo-liberal policies with the average person? Why would anyone care about the Falkand Islands conflict? Well, to my delight all these topics were breached last night and to my amazement, I defended my points very articulately and with much vigour. Not to be conceited, but I think he was impressed. At one point he turned to Ade and told her that when he was my age he never considered politics an interesting subject and that all he ever wanted to do was get laid. We were uh... taken aback by this comment.

The evening continued as I drove his dad home to avoid the police ride check outside the hotel. I have to admit; it was rather odd to be driving a car that belonged to a man I hardly knew. At first I thought I might be getting into an unsafe situation, but the whole way home he complimented me on my driving and showed me various ways to drive that saves "petrol". I don't know if they actually work but when I get a car (or if someone has the gumption to lend me theirs) I'll have to test out his theories.

After dropping off dad, Ade and I drove over to meet Annie and Ron at his house where we indulged in cigars, listened to awesome music and looked at demotivational posters. I discovered that Ron and I had similar views on music (we both have a mad love for K-OS and Jurassic 5 and hate melancholy emotional crap), subsidized housing, classism, social justice and development.

The night concluded with Ann Marie and me sharing a bed at her place. We giggled and chatted until 3:30am until finally we were so tired, we went to sleep. I miss my friend so much and wished that my departure could have been delayed so we could spend the entire afternoon together. I can’t believe she leaves on Thursday for Africa. The closer she gets to leaving the more excited I become for her. It is absolutely exhilarating to see someone I love experience the realization of a most passionate long-standing dream. Even if I am dismayed with my own present circumstances, I am quite satisfied to watch my friend enjoy God’s blessings. It has not always been easy for me to say this with sincerity, but today I can say that I truly mean it.

I could go on forever about the gloriousness of my weekend. I had a particularly excellent Friday as well but this post is long enough and I have to get going as church is at 5pm.

Happy Sunday :)

Johanna

Could this possibly work?

2006-09-27T16:58:00.000-04:00

IJM finally gave the go-ahead to proceed with their CIDA proposal. I am so relieved to hear this that this morning after getting a call from my boss, I practically told the entire CSJ office, including the chair and board. Seriously, this is such a relief to me b/c I was beginning to think that the whole thing was a waste of my time and was never going to work. I am uncertain if this proposal contract will proceed smoothly but right now there is great potential for experience. To be honest, I don't understand why God would provide me with the connections and opportunity and then have it all fall apart. I mean, I guess he has purpose in everything, even if I don't quite understand it, but I just find that really odd. I guess we'll see what He does.

I also got to attend a fun working session this morning on the campaign. It was interesting but a bit too heavy for 9:30am. We discussed the idea of redefining the way average people talk about political issues. For example: tax cuts. Tax cuts are always considered to be a positive thing b/c they save the working person money every year. But taxation is very important to social programming and if we weren't taxed than we wouldn't have the programs we have. So tax cuts are really a decrease in the investment in education, healthcare, the environment etc... Then we talked about persuasive narrative and communication strategies. All very interesting except it was so full of academic and ideological vocabulary I almost wanted to scream. I can't blame these guys. They're professors and scholars and so to expect them to speak everyday (colloquial) language is probably unrealistic. Anywho, the meeting was good and actually quite productive considering we basically narrowed down our strategies and have begun to focus on our strengths.

During the conversation, the topic of hiring new staff came up. It seems that if all goes well, I am going to get hired on here. This is good news b/c up to this point I have been working to make it clear to my boss that I am an asset. My boss also told me that for the course of my internship he has planned to give me an honorarium. This is so sweet b/c I was not expecting to get paid any money at all. Apparently they're offering to pay for my travel costs, my lunch plus give me $1000. Not bad eh?

In other news, AWID gave me a FANTASTIC assignment on women's human rights in Sri Lanka. I get to create questions for an interview with a women who runs a feminist NGO in Sri Lanka called INFORM. It's pretty snazzy. The cool part about the whole thing is that this interview will be published and maybe my name will be on it. That would look good on my CV. I hate to say it, but right now, everything I do has to be relevant for my CV. It sucks and seems underhanded but it's just the reality of my life. If I want to go to law school, I need to have the best fricken CV on the planet.

Did I also mention that I got birthday money and bought a pair of rockin winter boots and some really snazzy pants. Oh yes, I'm gonna look really hot this fall.

Well, gotta go.

2006-09-24T01:41:00.000-04:00

I've had a great weekend thus far. THis Friday night I went out with some friend for my birthday. It was small as only few people attended but I enjoyed the conversation and general ease and relaxation of the evening. In particular a good friend from high school came out. She had just gotten back from Guyana and we were able to catch up over dinner. I also found that another good friend of mine from hih school is pregnant. The whole night seemed exciting in light of that news.

This morning I slept in until 11. It was glorious as I have been waking up super early all week to work at the Centre and AWID. After getting up and taking my time getting dressed, I walked over to the little bistro near my house for breakfast with my sister. This bistro is usually over-priced but this morning I had eggs benedict and tea all for free. This was due to the fact that J.P. (Catherine's boyfriend) just got a job working as a cook and apparently the head chef has a crush on me. I have to admit, although I would NEVER consider this person as a suitable romantic partner, I certainly enjoy free food. And, keep in mind that I am not supposed to be privy to such "personal" information.

After a lengthy and leisurely breakfast, Cat and I returned home and chatted. This was followed by a ridiculous cleaning spree, which involed me cleaning absolutely every part of my apartment. I find cleaning addictive and at some points very therapeutic.

Following my cleaning spree, I went to Ann Marie's going away party at Nathan's, which was quite fun. I left early to come home and I just watched the Count of Monte Cristo and it was quite good. It didn't follow the storyline/plot from the book but I liked it. If you know me, you'll know that I am incredibly picky when it comes to film adpatations of well-known pieces of literature. I have never been impressed with Austen films, particularly Pride and Prejudice. Although the BBC version come close. Anyways, this plot left out so much pertinent information and various sub-plots, which in my mind should have been expanded upon so that people could really get a sense of the mastery of Dumas' writing.

In terms of general entertainment, I thought it FANTASTIC!! I expecially liked the guy who played Edmond. GOsh he awa hunky. I couldn't figure out where he was from so I googled him and discovered he played Jesus in the Passion of the Christ. Everyone who plays Jesus in films are always good looking. I don't know why considering the Bible does not describe Jesus as a hunky man. I think the most attractive Jesus by far has been Ted Nealy. Dude was HOT.

Yes, I am sure that I could discuss ogther pertinent issues on this blog,like politics or something international affairs related but sometimes, a good disucssion of hot Jesus actors is needed. Besides, it's 1:42am. What else could I possibly talk about?

Scattered brained and distracted. Oh...silly David

2006-09-21T00:44:00.000-04:00

I got in trouble today at work. Apparently when you edit something you are supposed to save the new AND the old document. I don't know why I should have several copies of one document with various edits but apparently they are needed. Erasing these previous documents is "not very bright" (quoted from David, my boss). Gosh, they could really use a footnothing option in blogger.

Speaking of David, he is so funny. Recently he called me from his car to discuss a proposal we were writing. At first I thought he was sitting in a parking lot as he was actually reading out the document to me and telling me what words he didn't like in specific paragraphs and then I realized he was driving along college street reading my proposal and editing it over the phone. Later on while dropping me off at a subway station, I noticed that his car was standard. Let's just say I have a new appreciation for multi-tasking.

He also has these moments at work where he gets really confused and forgets how to use the phone. Periodically he ends up hanging up on major sponsors and donors as he is simultaneously writing emails, talking on his cell and searching for documents on the floor of his office. Sometimes he intends to put someone on hold but attempts to dial out instead which causes the phone to make a very loud beeping alert noise. This is usually followed by some sort of grumbling or crass language which I cannot repeat here.

In so many ways he drives me nuts. For example, today I entered his office and it was absolutely freezing. I asked if the air conditioning was on and David pointed out that the window was open. When I tried to close the window I couldn't because he had removed two of the window panes for cleaning. We decided to put them back except we couldn't find them anywhere in his office. I don't know how it's possible to misplace two large window panes but David managed to do it. We eventually found them behind a shelf underneath papers and binders.

He is constantly scheduling meetings and then forgetting to attend them. He once scheduled a staff meeting to discuss project progress reports and deadlines and then was away at a conference in Quebec. He also likes to assume that he is paying me by making remarks like, "What an excellend idea! This is why we pay you". I have to remind him that he doesn't.

Although I find David to be a bit distracting and somewhat scatter-brained, the more I get to know him the more I like him. We had lunch today and chatted about MA programs and post-graduate work. He was really helpful and very encouraging. In so many ways he really surprises me. I never thought that a guy with a PhD and all his academic credentials took ten years to complete his B.A. (Yes, it is possible to fuck up your undergrad and still do well later on. Who knew?)

Despite my frustration with his lack of organization, I seem to be managing better. I realize that I do contribute and in some ways am discovering some of my strengths. It's a good feeling. I know I have a ways to go but I feel I've made a good start, and that's half the battle. I keep reminding myself that it's not about the end goal but about the process (props to Petey).

Frustrated

2006-09-11T18:26:00.000-04:00

Today my boss asked me to start up a social justice blog. I thought it would be a great idea for the campaign and so I began to work at writing up our founding document for our very first post. I even had some people ready to comment. The whole thing would be fantastic except for the program we are using for our blog. I'm sure it's not a program but I don't know what else to call it. I swear if it was a person I would totally kick it in the head. Yes, I said kick it in the head. Not punch, kick. Grr... It kept changing the font on me, the colours, the spacing, making it bold etc... I was so pissed off after two hours of working away that I just gave up. What the hell am I doing wrong? Someone tell me b/c I have no idea why this is acting this way. I blog here and cut and paste all the time and never have any problems. Why is this so difficult? Boo-urns.

Bah

Peacekeeping Job #2

2006-09-09T17:57:00.000-04:00

There is a new advertisement up for a project officer in Montreal with the Pearson Peacekeeping Centre. It pays well and it offers the potential of traveling all over Africa training peacekeepers from various African nations. I want this job! I just sent off my application and this time I didn't spend endless hours writing and editing my cover letter. I wrote what I thought was good and sent it off. I didn't even ask a friend to edit it. The last time I applied to the PPC they didn't even acknowledge receiving my resume. With my recent application, I asked for them to respond to let me know they had successfully received the attachments. Let's hope I hear from them.

Two other girls that I know of applied for this position. One is a great girl who got short listed for the last PPC job I applied to. I expect that she's got the position already if she's not working for some other organization. The other girl is a friend of mine who is the most pessimistic person I've ever encountered. I don't know if she would get hired after an interview. Was that wrong to point out her pessimism? I take that back, she's not pessimistic she's... very realistic. Anyways, whatever happens I hope one of us gets hired. I won't lie, I hope it's me. Frick that would SO rock! I would get to live in Montreal. I could move away from Toronto and be one of those exciting people who are going through "transition time".

Stupid transition time (grumble grumble). I think I have a bad case of the "poor mes" today. I have been going on and on with myself about how everyone has moved away and I'm stuck in Toronto working for International Justice Mission and the Centre for Social Justice. It seems like all those close to me are moving to foreign lands or new places to pursue their dreams. Just yesterday I counted all the foreign friends I now have; friends in Tanzania, Kenya, Goa, Sri Lanka, Cairo, Yemen, Kazakhstan, Bali, Maui, Korea, the Dominican Republic and countless other places. I have friends who aren't even in development who are going to the Philippines, Mozambique and Holland to do mission training. I say good for them. I should not be envious or bitter. I should rejoice. When I eventually get money I will have tons of places to stay for free!

That is not sufficient to cheer me up.

Life is not entirely bad here. And even though I am not traveling somewhere my life is in a transition period too, it's just not as exciting as other people. My volunteer position at the Centre for Social Justice may end up turning into a real job. My boss wants me to help him coordinate and organize a national pre-election campaign for civic engagement. Once funding is given for the campaign he said he would pay me a working wage. This opportunity appeals to me, except for the fact that I have to work with the most scatter-brained person on the planet. My boss is so ADD it's impossible to get him to focus to even map out our campaign strategies and general deadlines. Part of last week was spent attempting to fix up his founding documents to present to the Working Committee of union heads/leaders and it took us two days (and countless hours of my frustration).

I also got a call from IJM telling me my contract is still a go. I am back working on a proposal and should be done in the next three weeks to a month. I also got a phone call from AWID (a women's rights organization) to do an internship. I had applied for an internship with them in June and was interviewed with two other people but did not get the job. Apparently the person they did hire was terrible and left early. Phht, serves them right for not hiring me. Jerks. Ahem...the point is they want me to work for them, for free of course because no one ever pays people in my field unless they have an MA or gazillion years of experience. Man, this poor me stuff really has to go.

In some relatively good news, I started doing practice LSATs and I am getting questions right. I am so smart! Yes, be impressed people (if anyone indeed reads this blog) I do have some level of intelligent thought and according to the people of the Princeton Review, I will be on my way to law school any day now. Of course I believe them and why not, they're from Princeton and Ivy League schools are always right; at least in my estimation.

So you see life is not so terrible. I potentially have a job with the PPC, I have two internships with two relatively good organizations (one which will eventually pay me), I still have a contract with IJM and I am on my way to LSAT glory and success.

So why do I still feel bad?

My house smells like asphalt

2006-08-31T15:45:00.000-04:00

Someone is doing roadwork nearby and my whole house smells like tar. It's yucky. Oddly enough, the smell of road seems to make me very hungry. I've been eating all day.

So, I haven't posted in awhile. I have lots to say at the moment but can never figure out how to express it all. I always seem to edit the crap out of my posts to make sure there are no grammatical errors or repetitive use of words, but I think for now, I am just going to rant away and you can read if you choose. That was long sentence.

Let's see, where to begin.

I have come to realize that the things I have wanted for so very long are not indeed what I need. Basically I realized that what I was dreading was actually what was best and now that it's occurred I feel some relief. I don't want to say that I am completely relieved because I am not. If anything even though I know things are where they should be I still feel this ache in my heart. I am sad and this time of grief, although for a season, is needed to redirect my priorities, renew my passion, and motivate me to aim for a new level of spiritual maturity.

The last two months have been all about personal growth, particularly this week. Since Sunday I have been on a rollercoaster ride of emotion. It changes moment by moment. At some points I have cried for no reason (I never thought an Excel spreadsheet could stir up such an emotioanl response from me. I'm sure my co-workers think I'm right nuts.) and then at other times I have felt so confident; more confident than I have ever felt before. I don't know how to reconcile such trying mood swings. My tendency is to analyse why this is happening, but instead I am choosing to go with the flow, letting my emotions come and go realizing that they are not negative or positive. I may be happy or sad, but no matter how I feel it does not change the truth of my life or who I am. Knowing that has made life more bearable and if anything, has been a great comfort.

One of the most validating experiences this week has been my appointment with Rupen, the program director of IPMP at Humber. I went in to discuss procurement manuals (oh ah) and we had an indepth discussion about my two field placements. As I talked he just sat and listened(thank goodness he has a MA in psychiatry). To my surprise, I was quite upset. So upset that I could barely discuss it without getting teary. Finally after I finished, he looked at me and with so much sincerety pointed out that I had every reason to feel frustrated. I was shocked. Maybe it was because it came from someone I strongly respect and admire or perhap it was because it was coming from an adult who really understood what I was feeling, but when he uttered those few words I felt a weight lift from my shoulders. Validation can mean so much. For the first time in weeks I felt hope. It was exhilerating!

This new feeling of hope has really given me new perspective. I need to make drastic changes to my life, which in my view are not going to be easy. Yeah, I could lament about how I will be humbled and blah blah blah but what does that accomplish? Yes, it's going to be hard and it's going to be difficult. It's supposed to be that way. No one said it would be easy. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy. Yes, that's a tacky cliched statement but it's true. If I want my life to be different, I have to make different choices. There is no easy way around it. But I'd rather have the knowledge that the road ahead is bumpy then not venture on it at all.

This desire to make drastic changes has been coming for awhile. So with this in mind I have made some positive steps. I bought an LSAT prep book. Yes I have said it before, but this time I actually mean it. I am going to write the LSAT. I have booked my test for December 2nd so it IS going to happen (unless I'm dead or in some foreign land). I just spent $118 of my precious money to take a 5 hour test which may or may not determine my ability to apply to law school. Buying the book really confirmed a lot for me as I have wanted to go to lawschool for the last three years. I applied to do my MA because I thought it would look good on my CV and then I went to Humber instead because I thought I needed practical experience. But all along, I wanted to go to lawschool. I was just afraid to take a step out and attempt to pursue that goal. I want this and I am going to do it. There is no such thing as trying. You either do it or you don't and the result is either success or failure. If you fail, pick yourself up and do it again and again until you succeed (or until another opportunity comes along or you just get tired). The best part about knowing God is that I never fail. I only keep retaking the test again until I pass.

God is definitely good to me. Although life as of late has been rough, I feel His peace, which I consider a fruitful development. I am surrounded by chaos and confusion, but I can still see my Father's face. This is something new to me, but it's a wonderful feeling. I don't want to lose it. If that means I will forever be uncertain about my future and how life will unfold, that's alright. This is the best place I've been yet.

2006-08-28T23:46:00.000-04:00

I watched tv today for the first time in weeks. It's odd to have been away from my mind numbing friend. While in university television was such a relief. It was nice to sit and watch ridiculousness for an hour as a study break just to give my mind some time to process after reading so much political theory, history etc...

After being away from tv, when I return I am always shocked and pleaseed with what I see. There always seems to be the overtly sexual shows where breasts and other such body parts are seen on a regular basis. The over-use of sexual innuendos can be exhausting. There also is just more and more junk being advertised. I saw this horrible infomercial tonight on JeMagic. Please, do not decorate your homes with this contraption. It's hideous.

Nonetheless, there still seems to be some really good programming out there. Tonight, after having a productive day sending out resumes, I decided to watch a doc on WWI and the history of the Haitian military coup of 1991. I don't care how much people say television sucks up your brain cells, it's a great way to learn and educate the average person. Even watching the news can be informative and enlightening, despite the constant analysis we must do in order to have an objective and factual view of the world. The amount of information we can receive from one hour of television is enormous and I must say, if one is scrupulous and discerning, it can be rather produtive and useful.

The crazy monster from Robarts

2006-08-08T16:39:00.000-04:00

The cutest little Korean toddler came to talk to me today. His mom was keeping a close eye on him as he meandered around the book displays. After exploring the cafeteria, the vending machine room and the t-card office he was completely certain that there was a monster somewhere about. He came right up to me (ballsy little man he was) and started gibbering away using expressive hand gestures. I have no idea what he was saying as he was speaking a combination of English, French and Korean. Apparently his name is Jacob and I should stay away from the monster's lair (the janitor closet). I'm amazed at the skills of children today. This little guy is two and already multilingual. Crazy eh?

Good quote

2006-07-24T14:31:00.000-04:00

"Regretful pasts and worried futures make for absent lives. Live now or never live."

Ah, the joys of procrastination

2006-07-23T12:25:00.000-04:00

I have work to do
I was supposed to do it last night
I was pleasantly distracted

tee hee

A lengthy post

2006-07-20T17:39:00.000-04:00

OK, so I have been incredibly distracted lately. It's like I get focused on one thing and I can't seem to see past it. Today, I received an email from my aunt who wants me to connect with this guy working in Bali. She gave me his blog address and so I decided to check it out. Man, it was AWESOME!! It reminded me of what I want to do with my life and to get off my ass and stop wasting my time. I just realized how much potential I have (props to Meredith). I must take action and I must do it NOW! It makes me angry to think that I wasted precious time thinking and analyzing situations or relationships that just don't matter. Seriously, in light of God's plans for my life all the little worries of the present are so irrelevant and it makes me frustrated with myself that I have been consumed with self-deprecating thought. Grr...

In light of that revelation, I picked myself up and started to do some work. First, I ended up having a wicked-ass phone conversation with a family friend who I recently discovered works at CIDA. I get to tell her what I want to do and she'll tell me if it's possible (wee). I mean, who knew I actually would develop a connection with some big-wig at CIDA? After that I made the long trek out to Etobicoke to Humber to print off all the things I need for IJM and the Centre for Social Justice. I have so much crap to do and like usual, it's all due at the same time. Hmm... this feels oddly familiar.

I've been at Humber now for several hours reading all the IJM documentation. I have a complete budget of their entire project in Bolivia. It's so detailed that I have all the financial info for this organization down to their laundry expenses. This is nuts! I cannot believe I am looking at documents like this. Well I can, I just didn't expect it to be so soon after finishing school. Um yeah, let's hope no one from IJM Canada figures out that I have no idea what I am doing.

Also, I became an expert at looking up international legal documents pertaining to Indigenous rights. I thought this would be incredibly boring but I have to admit, this is REALLY interesting. Canadian Aboriginals have been terribly mistreated in this country and it makes me angry that our government has done so little to address their current situation. The whole thing is appalling. I feel a rant coming on...

Why would the nation of Canada, the Canadian government; a western power and proponent of multilateralism and international law; a supporter of the rights and principles enshrined in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, the Covenant on Civil and Political Rights, and the Covenant on the Rights of the Child; and a constant outspoken advocate of international justice and humanitarianism, be so against the fair treatment of their own citizens? These people, people that are loved by OUR God, people who have the right to dignity and equality have been neglected and are forced to live in poverty and isolation. This pisses me off! This is why I should be a lawyer. To help make laws that are needed and force countries to be accountable for the treaties and conventions they sign. No wonder people think international law is a joke. Countries NEVER adhere to their commitments. Just look at Kyoto. Now I know what Stephen Lewis means when he talks about HIV/AIDS in Africa and the MDGs. Apathy is abhorrent.

That is all… for now

Here kitty kitty

2006-07-20T14:51:00.000-04:00

I might be kitten sitting for four days. Just think: two beautiful little muffins running around my house and tearing up my couch, wreaking havoc on everything I hold dear. I can't wait! Anyone wanna come over and see the little boos? You know you wanna...

I need a break

2006-07-17T09:34:00.000-04:00

I haven't written here in a long while. I feel I have nothing pertinent to say anymore. For the last two weeks I have socialized a lot, which I have thoroughly enjoyed, but I find that it has been too much for me to handle. I love people but I desire space for me and my over-analysis. Yes, general thinking time is what I need otherwise I will no longer be able to carry on normal conversation.

A glorious night

2006-06-29T00:00:00.000-04:00

I walked home tonight in my bare feet in the pouring rain. The puddles were lovely and cool. My whole walk was so enjoyable and refreshing. I love rain. It's so clean.

2006-06-27T16:38:00.000-04:00

School is finally over. I did my last test today and I think I could have done better. Actually, it was probably really bad but I don't care, I'm glad it's done. It was out of 100 with 30 multiple choice questions each worth 3 marks (retarded if you ask me) and then an essay question on the UN Social Summit in Copenhagen. Anywho, I bullshitted a lot and made a few guesses. But, there was a lot on the test that I knew, which of course made me happy b/c I really didn't study very much last night. So, I rock for knowing a lot of UN information and odd Cdn. historical facts. Actually, I think the prof wrote a question wrong. He said that the UN was created by Roosevelt and Churchill, but it was really created by Woodrow Wilson after WWI with the creation of the League of Nations. Anyways, that's not the point. The point is that school is done and I can now have a real life.

To make my life even better than it is at this moment, I got offered a job today from a friend who is working for Stephane Dion (former enviro. minister) who is running in the Liberal leadership race. Apparently I would be typing some random party information into a database (boring) but I would get a lovely reference letter from the potential "Official Leader of the Opposition." Hmm... I don't know? I'm thinking it be a lot of fun plus I would get about $100/day. Right now I have the option of going to a cottage, working or hanging out in Toronto for Canada Day weekend. I can't decide. Someone needs to point me in the right direction.

Update on peacekeeping job

2006-06-22T09:20:00.000-04:00

Yeah, so I didn't get shortlisted for the peacekeeping job in Ottawa. Actually, I never even got an email confirmation telling me they received my resume. Ah well. Another girl in my class applied too and has an interview. That's what I heard, but it was a tid bit of gossip, so who knows if it's true. True or not, I am glad one of us got an interview. At least it tells me that people from my course can have a chance at a real job. Ok, to avoid lying through my teeth, I will say that I am disappointed and feel rather crummy that this girl got an interview instead of me. But I never really felt I had a strong chance of getting the job. I just wanted to apply for something and follow through. For some reason, I am not dismayed but am at peace. Weird. God has a plan for my life, plans for me to prosper, to give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). I trust that. Perhaps that job wouldn't have suited me. For whatever reason, it's not mine and Jesus is in control. Thank goodness.

2006-06-21T14:21:00.000-04:00

School is almost done. THANK GOD!! I have one minor assignment to do and then a test next Tuesday. I am so thankful things are coming to a close as I want to get on with my life. I am sick of school and just getting a job would make me happy. Well, not just any job, but a job in development. I have some leads, which I discovered last Saturday at a conference on justice. Exciting! In September I might potentially be in Cambodia or maybe I'll be in California doing some work for an amazing mission organization. Who knows? I certainly don't. We'll see where God places me.

"It's not right, but it's okay": an ode to Rachet

2006-06-15T16:59:00.000-04:00

Today I hung out with an old friend, Rachel. She is home for a week from the Dominican Republic and I am so glad that she spared a little time to talk with me. There is so much about Rachel that I love and admire. She stayed back in Barrie for three years to wait for God's direction while all of her friends went away to university and college. She worked at Walmart for 7 years to save enough money to go to the DR and since living there for over a year she has perservered in her goals. She has remained firm in her commitment to those in her little village and her employees at the art co-op despite being attacked twice and living with the abject poor. Our chat today was such a good reminder of who I want to be. It's nice to be around someone who really knows you and all your history. Despite my faults and silly choices, I am still striving for the things I once did and I'm so thankful that Rachel sees it.

Ah Rachet, how I will miss you when you go back to the DR. We have so many memories together. Like the time we went to Jess Sharpe's cottage in Amanada Catheline's car and someone spilt pop on her stereo and we couldn't turn Abba off. Or the many times when we used to drive around in my truck laughing about Whitney Houston songs. Or perhaps our longstanding feud over Rudy Westernang (oh my). The memoires are endless and I cherish every one.

2006-06-09T21:49:00.000-04:00

I have a feeling this is going to be a hard summer. So much is happening that I don't know where to begin. I wish I could express myself here with blatant honesty, but I cannot bring myself to do it. All I can say, is that I am at point where I must face such great pain in order to move on in my spiritual life. This entails doing things that I do not want to do. It entails having my skin stripped off of me so that the new being underneath will come forth and shine. I so want this, but am uncertain how to be broken. I look at this time with joy as I am making large steps forward, but am full of sorrow as I know the journey ahead will be difficult. I can hardly think of it without crying. I want to do this on my own, but I know that I cannot. Jesus will have to carry me. We will do this together, with the knowledge that the end result will be ultimate freedom and peace. I await my reward with anticipation.

Pissy, tired and overly critical

2006-06-05T01:36:00.000-04:00

I have spent all night working on my cover letter for a peacekeeping job. I got home from church at 8:30 and have been working on this stupid document until now (1:30am). I am exhausted and so frustrated. I finally managed to get something out that I deemed acceptable and sent it to a friend to look over only to discover that everything I had written (well, not everything, I'm being rather dramatic) was not very good. I felt so upset I wanted to burst into tears. So, after discussing ( and mostly analyzing ) what my friend said, I decided to go back and really edit my cover letter. But now, I am so tired that I can hardly think and all I want to do is go to bed. I feel so disappointed b/c I so wanted to finish this. I must be over-thinking things because it shouldn't take 5 bloody hours to write a blasted four paragraph one page coverletter!!! Grrrr....

I just realized I really want this job. It's a "special project manager' position, which has AMAZING pay, kickass benefits, frequent international travel, and is an awesome opportunity to gain first hand management experience. It's in Ottawa too (props to Ian and Mags). Long sigh... I don't know. Maybe I should just throw in the towel and sleep on it. I'll get up early and finish it tomorrow at school. Besides, I don't really need to be in communications class. Besides, I have a good excuse for not going, our teacher is terrible! I don't understand how some people get hired. This woman says "um" like every other word. Isn't that the biggest no no in communication/presentation courses?

Goodnight
Pissy, tired and overly critical,
Johanna

"If it's not baroque don't fix it"

2006-05-24T15:41:00.000-04:00

Today I have been working on my media assignment for my Canadian Development course and I have been listening to Bach all day. Gosh, he is so amazing. I can't believe someone could create such beauty with music. My favourite is his Italian Concerto and Brandenburg Concerto #3. I have the sheet music for the Italian Concerto and have been playing it on the keyboard in our sunroom. I will never play the third movement quick enough (presto, as fast as possible), but nonetheless, it's stress relieving and fun to try :)

Back to work,
Johanna

Foolish Games

2006-05-23T21:37:00.000-04:00

I really don't understand men who say they don't like you and then act like they do. It makes no sense. At first it can be incredibly frustrating and very hurtful but as time goes on, and after you've gotten over things, it just becomes quite amusing. I'm finding that you begin to notice little things they do and say (ie: their lame attempts at flirting). I'm getting so good at it, I can actually predict what will happen with me and particular people. In many ways, I find this to be so empowering. Ha! I used to ponder why men would act so contrary. Perhaps they are just afraid of telling me their true feelings. Maybe they like me but they don't know how much. Or maybe they are intimidated by me in some way? Perhaps they only feel physical attraction and nothing more. Maybe I should read "He's Just Not That Into You"? Hmmm.... Who knows why men do the things they do? In light of my current situation, who cares! I'm having WAY too much fun.

I suppose playing the game is really quite manipulative, but at times, why should I not partake if the other peron is begging for me to play? Why not indulge a little bit. On my end I know its meaningless. I'm not serious. So go ahead, play your game, I'll just sit back and laugh at what unfolds.

keep your fingers crossed...

2006-05-15T16:56:00.000-04:00

I just applied to work at the UN. Let's hope I actually get an interview. Even if I don't get hired, just to get an interview would make me so thrilled. I'm excited. Woo hoo.

Praying like a mad person,
Johanna

P.S. Any petition to God for a UN job made on my behalf would be most welcome. Many thanks :)

If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all

2006-05-01T01:45:00.000-04:00

You know what is really bothersome? When someone criticizes you in front of other people. I know there's always that same old explanation: "people put other people down because they aren't confident in themselves", but is that really true? Maybe these "put downers" are just jerks. Why do low self-esteem issues validate or explain poor behavior? I mean, if a guy felt he needed validation and slept with random girls, would we be rationalizing his behaviour? Probably not. I know the Christian thing to do is to be gracious, but when the same thing occurs over and over again, I have to admit, my patience is tested. In the end, I just feel guilted into being compassionate to these people, when in my view, their behavior is completely unacceptable.

These public put downs have been happening a lot lately and I think the next time someone criticizes me in public, I'm going to say something right then and there as a response. Seriously, I'm not all into conflict and confrontation, but sometimes putting someone in their place is a good way of clearing the air, especially if it's in front of others. I also wonder why, when someone does put you down, no one ever says anything. I'm sure some people are completely oblvious and others, I know, take notice. I have been guilty of picking up on a put down and not saying anything in another's defence. If we ever happen to hang out and someone puts you down and I notice it, I will promise to say something. I hope you would do the same for me. As for you "put-downers", watch it, I'm not letting you get away with it anymore.

Almost Done....sorta

2006-04-27T06:06:00.000-04:00

I have one more day left of my "Major Exam and Assignment Hell Week". Last night I finished a huge section of a ridiculously huge assignment, which means that my group is almost done. Thank God!! It's due tomorrow, which is the same day that I have a final. Did I also mention that I have a final tonight as well. It's worth 40% of my mark. Anyone wanna write a test on gender, HIV/AIDS and good governance? Come on, you know wanna...

Anywho, I can't wait until the weekend. I have a wedding to go to on Saturday (yay Meredith and Jarod) and then on Sunday I have planned a whole day of total relaxation. Next week looks pretty busy though. I have applications to do for internships, I have to phone the Dominican Republic, I have to call some law firms and International Law NGOs and sign up to do the LSAT. That's right, I have finally decided that I have enough guts to write the LSAT. It's just five weeks away on June 12. I have about a month to study. I think I can manage it. I hope so anyway, some people have studied for this test for three months!! Uh oh...I best get going, I have lots of work to do.

Take that Mr. TTC, you said I couldn't do it but I did.

2006-04-17T23:54:00.000-04:00

I'm exhausted. Today I woke up at 7:30am to get to school early to review for a test at 10am. I had class for three hours, including my ridiculous test on procurement, spent four hours doing a proposal for CIDA, went to class for another three hours, spent another four hours working on CIDA proposal and finally just got home. My eyes are killing me from having my contacts in all day and looking at various computer screens.

"Why are you blogging?" you ask.

I got a huge assignement back today, worth 40% of my overall mark. I kicked some serious ass and got 100%. HA!

I'm a frickin beast (who can set up an agricultural project in Mozambique)

A happy state

2006-04-08T02:56:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted lately. I think my blogging days are coming to an end. That is unless I decide to catch the travel bug and take off for some foreign, exotic and war-torn location. That would definitely give me something to write about. Hopefully that will happen in the near future, maybe as soon as July or August. But for now, I am quite satisfied with life as it is. I'm content with the idea of school and working on my life and career. I am enjoying this time of self discovery and spiritual revelation. God is good, so wonderfully good. To Him be all the glory.

2006-03-20T00:12:00.000-05:00

Is love a fancy, or a feeling? No.
It is immortal as immaculate Truth,
'Tis not a blossom shed as soon as youth,
Drops from the stem of life--for it will grow,
In barren regions, where no waters flow,
Nor rays of promise cheats the pensive gloom.
A darkling fire, faint hovering o'er a tomb,
That but itself and darkness nought doth show,
It is my love's being yet it cannot die,
Nor will it change, though all be changed beside;
Though fairest beauty be no longer fair,
Though vows be false, and faith itself deny,
Though sharp enjoyment be a suicide,
And hope a spectre in a ruin bare.

Colin Powell and Cheese cake

2006-03-13T17:02:00.000-05:00

Colin Powell is coming to Roy Thompson Hall on Wednesday to talk about Canadian American relations. The guest speaker (isn't Colin Powell enough?) is Frank McKenna, the Canadian ambassador to the US. It costs a minimum of $245/ticket! That's the most ridiculous price for tickets I've ever seen, especially for a political discussion. Although I would buy one for myself and a friend, I think paying rent is far more important. Besides, even if tickets were reasonably priced, I'm hosting a med school party at my house for a friend on the same night. I'm making him raspberry cheesecake. Mmmm...

2006-02-25T22:53:00.000-05:00

My reading week is over. I could have accomplished so much, but instead I lounged and watched the Olympics. I have two tests when I get back on Tuesday and for some odd reason I am not worried. I feel uncomfortable with my lack of anxiety. Usually this is what motivates me to study and to do well. Lately, I seem to have developed a very apathetic attitude towards school. I'm at a loss to explain it. I'm getting tired of "doing", of being productive. I'm constantly being pushed by the world to do do do do. It's endless: devotional time, prayer, research, essays, proposals, readings, tests, resume writing, job applications, volunteer applications, networking, the LSAT, law school, graduate school applications, social excursions, family commitments, reformating my computer, calling the embassy in Mozambique, internships etc.... the list goes on and on. After awhile I get lost in tasks. When I finally have a moments peace, I just want to sleep and relax. But even after all my justification and rationalizing, I have tremendous guilt. I'm worried that nothing will ever motivate me. At the beginning of 1st term I was so enthusiastic. Every time I sat in class I could feel God's spirit all over me, pushing me, exciting me, driving me to learn. Now I feel dismay. I don't know what to do or how to fix this.

it's becoming a bit much

2006-02-22T23:31:00.000-05:00

I am offended by the things people say to me; by the words they speak into my life. Who told you that? Was it really God or did you just feel haughty and speak impetuously? I’m so tired of people speaking words into my life before God does. I am so sick of having to hear that I am one way and not another from someone else who is not my Father. If God knows me better than I know myself, what makes you assume you can point the finger and tell me who I am? What makes you feel so self-righteous? What arrogance! Shouldn't you ask the Lord what He thinks of your words before you speak them? Do you ever consider, even if you are correct in your judgement, that perhaps you should not utter it? Do you think that all knowledge is from God for you to speak?

Furthermore, I am so sick of this bullshit about alternative lifestyles. I quote: “We only eat whole grain bread”, “we don’t eat white flour”, we don’t bank at this institution”, “we only drink fair trade coffee”, “I don't watch tv”, "my children have to use clothe diapers", I make my own organic baby food", “my vitamins absorb quicker than yours”, "I only use non-toxic products”, “Did you know that no matter how much spinach you eat, if it’s not organic, you’re not really getting any nutrients”, "You shouldn't drink pop, it's bad for you", "red meat is unhealthy", "I eat meat, but only if it's organic". Argh!!!!! Who cares!

I am constantly under a microscope; always being inspected, always being watched. I can’t breathe without commentary. I am trapped by this constant nagging. This never ending expectation. It’s strangling me.

2006-02-21T14:11:00.000-05:00

There is nothing either good or bad; but thinking makes it so.- Hamlet, II, ii, 259

An ode to Luke and Ann Marie

2006-02-19T22:51:00.000-05:00

Ahh... I love my friends. They are the bestest :)

Tonight after church I was in a foul mood. I felt so disconnected and yucky. I can't explain it. Blah.

As I was leaving to go to the subway (actually, I was in quite a hasty rush) Ann Marie ran after me. "I'm not letting you go home alone" she said. So I decided to go out to Lone Star with her and Luke for some free food (compliments of Luke's dad's coupons). We ordered 1lb of fajitas and a nice shrimp appetizer. I'm stuffed.

The food was delicious, but the company was even better, which cheered me up almost instantly. YAY!! Now I am very happy. I laughed all the way home on the bus as Luke did impressions of Sean Connery in French, German and Spanish. It's hard to believe that's possible but he pulled it off so convincingly.

God is so good to me.

Take me away with you

2006-02-16T22:49:00.000-05:00

My week of horribleness is almost over. I have one more test left to write, which is a finance test tomorrow. Tonight I wrote another test in issues in international development. I think it went well. I had this long (very whispery) conversation with my prof during the test about Christianity and what church I go to. It was so cool. I love how some of my profs are Christians. It puts things into perspective for me and makes me realize that God's people are working everywhere.

On the way home from school I got into a very intense discussion with two of my classmates about development and how in reality it is really a pointless field that changes nothing. Basically the world is full of greed and ego-centricity and that at the end of the day if we had a choice of choosing between someone else and ourselves, truth be told, we would choose ourselves. I'm not sure if I subscribe to this belief. I feel it is rather cynical. I really didn't know what to say about this and so for the first time in quite awhile, I didn't speak. I began to seriously question what I would do if I had to choose. I am preoccupied with so many things: law school applications, LSATs, MA programs, money, my hair, boys, my life; in a way, I am no different than the people being described by my classmates. Here I am consumed with self, having selfish motives and being viewed by some as being selfless. I would hope that I would choose someone else, like Christ did. That I would give of myself so completely that my own life would not matter. I feel I am not at that point yet and it is something I definitely want to aim for. When I think about working overseas I worry about being injured, being threatened and even being killed. In the long run, these things should not matter to me, especially if this is what God is calling me to do with my life. I need to put my flesh aside and let God take me away, let Him take control.

That is so hard.

Words: the power to heal or hurt, to bring life or death

2006-02-07T13:45:00.000-05:00

Your seeds blow into my garden, friend,
and nestle among my flowers
in the soft sweet soil of my garden plot
they wait for the sun and the showers
whatever you grow in your garden, friend,
of beauty or ugly weed
the fall will come and the wind will blow
and over will come your seed.

Your words blow into my life, my friend,
whether of good or ill.
your thoughts fly over like ships of love
or daggers that pierce and kill.
your smiles blow into my heart, dear friend,
and neighbour across the way
they blow and blossom in buds of love,
a blessing to life all day.

frustrated and distracted

2006-02-06T15:05:00.000-05:00

Have you ever wanted something so badly that just the thought of it drives you crazy? I tell you, I am going INSANE! Wanting what you can't have can be very taxing on one's nerves. It's also very distracting when you have class pertaining to important Visa permit information and NGO registration.

Argh...

2006-02-01T15:46:00.000-05:00

When God tells you something, listen.
After he's finished, be obedient.
Trust me, it will save you so much grief.
Also, if you fall; don't be too hard on yourself.
God's grace is sufficient

Politics, politics, politics

2006-01-30T01:29:00.000-05:00

I have discovered that I truly am a political science gal. I thought I was all about history, but now I am realizing political science makes me so happy. Just the mere mentioning of something political grabs my interest. So much so that I must interrupt and state my opinion. Sorry, sometimes I just can't hold back. Yesterday I got to chat about the results of the Cdn. election with a friend. We moved from Conservative radicalism, to Cdn. foreign policy, to US foreign policy, to Israel and the 6 Day War, and fianlly settled on Iran and nuclear policy. It was a rather lengthy conversation as it took place over Messenger. I so enjoyed it. I think political discussion is becoming a lot easier for me as I am not as emotional. I used to get upset when someone would disagree, especially if it was regarding the effectiveness of the UN or about the uses of the WTO, WB or IMF. Now I have a better grasp on my emotions (or rather my temper) and accept defeat if I must. I'm hoping my concessions are becoming less in number as I get better and more informed. I should have joined the debating team at Hart House when I was at UofT. I could have kicked ass.

Speaking of kicking ass, did anyone hear about the election results in Palestine? Hamas won!! Not that I am supporting a party which has underground Muslim radicals and a secret militant wing (although not really secret), I just think it will cause a lot of turmoil for the US. I'm not anti-US, but certainly interested in learning their new strategy in the Middle East. It would be so contradictory for the US to talk about democracy for all while attempting to remove a democratically elected government. Mind you, that wouldn't surprise me. I could really rant about that.

Despite my renewed interest in poli-sci, I still adore history. Today, Lavle lent me a book on the rise of western civilization. I was so excited when Ann Marie handed it to me that I started to read through the table of contents aloud. She was so interested in it, she asked to read it after I'm done. Not only will this apartment be a place full of God's grace and love(yes, that sounds incredibly lame, but alas, it's true), it will be full of smarty pants girls who know history and politics.

Woo hoo!

Gray hairs and miscellaneous

2006-01-26T15:59:00.000-05:00

I'm at school and I just went to the bathroom and as I was washing my hands, I noticed something in my hair. It appeared to be a very shiny light blond strand of hair. It was gleeming in the light. As I looked closer to inspect the lovely strand I noticed it was no longer blond. It was white. I can't believe I have a gray hair! I promptly plucked it out. I hope that saying about two more gray hairs growing back in is not true. This may sound lame but I feel so old. I'm only 24 and I'm getting gray hair!!! The next thing to expect is baldness. Oh Lord help me!

On to better news. I got a laptop yesterday. It's "pretty". I love it. I bought a rip-off of a warranty, which I have decided to return. I've also decided I'm going to spend all my free time in cafes and coffee shops writing essays and journalling. I can't wait. I also get to watch DVDs on it, which makes me happy. (yay!!) I'm also getting internet service tomorrow. The Rogers guy is coming at 8am. Yes, it's early but it was the only time for him to come. I guess I best be up and ready. I'm so glad to be getting the internet. I can finally connect with the real world. Not having email and the web has been really hard on me, especially considering I use them so much for school. It feels as though I haven't actually started yet.

So... school really begins tomorrow.

2006-01-18T21:45:00.000-05:00

Right now I'm at Minaker's house. I'm using the net cuz I don't have it at home. Lavle is here with me, which makes this post most fun. I love Lavle. (Ha ha SUCKAS, too bad you can't be here to enjoy him.) I also made salsa dip tonight. Unfortuantely I was unable to go to Value Village to get a serving plate for it. I had to use one of Luke's plates instead. The dip was quite yummy though. We ate it all in less than twenty minutes. Lucky for Ann Marie I saved her some. Soooo good.

After LR we ended up watching Firefly. It's this television show that got cancelled after only one season. I don't know why. It's quite good. THe main character always gets seriously injured in every show. I like it cuz at least there is some action albeit unrealistic.

Anywho, tonight I actually blushed for the first time in months. It usually takes a lot to make me blush. I have to say, I never thought Luke could pull it off. Oh Lukie, you're a quick one.

tee hee

Self-loathing

2006-01-16T13:43:00.000-05:00

What a terrible day. I suppose it's not really terrible. I just feel so blah. You know those days when you just feel down and you can't pinpoint it? Something is aching in your heart, but you can't quite name it? Something deep inside just feels... empty. I feel so alone today. More alone than ever before. I need my Father so badly. I just need one touch, one word, just a little piece of glory so I can have some peace. Anything, as long as it takes this feeling away, even if it's for a moment. Nothing is right it seems. I could eat lunch with Nelson Mandela today and it wouldn't matter (yeah, seems weird, but I think that would make my life super perfect if I could say I ate lunch with Nelson Mandela. I wonder what he would order?). Why him? I don't know? I imagine he would say something super inspirational to make me refocus my life and help me realign my priorities, maybe push me to see beyond myself for once. Even if I did finally become selfless and changed. Even if I had recognition, fame, status and brains; (improper use of a semi-colon) deep down, I would still feel this longing, this brokeness. I hate it and all it represents. I'm nauseous just thinking of it.

I hate my neediness.

Finally a post, let's hope it's interesting

2006-01-09T14:47:00.001-05:00

Considing I have not written anything in over a month, I thought it was due time to post something. As for what? I don't know? I have to be honest here, I really am finding this whole blogging thing rather boring. I mean, I could write all the things that go through my head on a regular basis, but that would mean that everyone would read it. Do I really want my personal information, my personal thoughts and feelings read by people who I may not even trust or like. Now, I'm sure I like most of you, well... maybe not. Actually, I imagine there are some people who read this blog who I absolutely loath.

Anyways, I guess I should write something pertinent. Today I started school. It's going to be CRAZY. At the end of this term we have to do a relief simulation. This sounds exciting and absolutly terrifying. It's very lifelike and we have to deal with terrorist threats, security issues, bribes, fraud, poor planning etc... What's worse is that this simulation makes or breaks my mark. My professor said that students last year found it SO stressful that some actually decided to not go into development work. That makes me rather nervous. I also have this huge project, which was assigned today. I have to choose a country where I haven't travelled to and develop this ridiculously detailed implementation plan. It all sounds really boring but it's SO much work. I have to phone all these consulates and embassies. I've only had one class and I feel like I have tons to do.

Minus all the school work, life is pretty good. I'm living in my new place, which is now finally coming together. I had tons of junk in my room that I cleaned up over the weekend. I can now see my floor and walk freely without tripping over my belongings. I also spent the weekend catching up with some good friends. I spent Friday night with Luke. We watched this movie called the Insider, recommended by Karl. No offense to Karl, but it was kinda boring and very slow moving. In fact it was so slow moving, I was getting stressed and frustrated just watching it. The best part of the whole night was when we had blueberry cheesecake (sooooo good, drool). Of course, Luke was good company too:) On Saturday I went to a Ukrainian Christmas party and got to hang out with some really great people. I ended up going to play in the snow at Christie Pits and had lots of fun playing on the equipment and making snow angels. I also got the best gift from Lastly and Elaine. It's a jar specifically for saving money for shoes. It's all pink and girly and has all these shoes on it. I was so excited, I promptly put money in. On Sunday night I got to hang out and chat with two people I admire, Jonathan amd Dave. All in all, it was a busy yet pleasant weekend. Oh, did I also mention that I live with Ann Marie who is the bestest person ever?!! MMway good.

This week looks good too. I get to see my momsie and grandma on Wednesday in the morning and then in the afternooon I get to go shopping with Heather. I'm also planning a Bollywood night with some girlfriends from school, which I'm really looking forward to. We're all going to wear our sarees and salwars (sp?)and eat Indian food. Yummy. I can't wait to hear some really cheesy Indian music. Perhaps we'll watch Bunty Aur Babli so I can sing Kajra Re all week. It was playing everywhere while I was in India. It's so catchy.

Well, I think I've written enough for now. Perhaps I shall write again in another month.

enough said...

2005-12-04T23:01:00.000-05:00

1 John 4:7-8
7Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Sweet

2005-12-02T02:14:00.000-05:00

I don't wanna know your name
Cause you don't look the same
The way you did before
OK you think you got a pretty face
But the rest of you is out of place
You looked all right before

Fox on the run
You screamed and everybody comes a-running
Take a run and hide yourself away
Fox on the run
F-foxy, foxy on the run and hideaway

You-you talk about just every band
But the names you drop are second hand
I've heard it all before
I don't wanna know your name
Cause you don't look the same
The way you did before
(repeat chorus)

Yeah, Varanassi!!!

2005-11-24T03:06:00.000-05:00

I was lying in bed remembering my time in Varanassi with Josh and Elissa and I had to post once again. On our last night there, we went to this weird festival thing at the main ghat. During the Hindu celebration, I had this urge to praise God, so I started to do that. I got so wrapped up in worship that I really stopped paying attention to my surroundings. When I finally came to, I noticed that some people in the crowd were glaring at me. I thought that was rather interesting until I saw a lot of people glaring. It was not a nice glare, it was actually REALLY mean. I kinda felt attacked spiritually so I turned around to leave and ran smack into a Kali shrine (just so you know, Kali is a mean, vengeful, blood thirsty Goddess. She has a bright red face, crazy black hair and the ickiest grin on her face). I sorta got freaked out and asked if we could leave. We ended up catching a bicycle rickshaw home. It was great. The breeze was so fresh (oddly enough) and cool. After our ride, we disembarked and I'll never forget what happened. As Elissa got off she lost her balance and fell into the biggest, wettest pile of cow poo. It had to have been at least up to her ankles. We laughed SO hard we cried.

My Wish List

2005-11-24T01:24:00.000-05:00

Ok, I know it's WAY too early and probably very juvenile, but I have decided to write out my Christmas wish list. Now, these are ONLY suggestions, but I would love a person so much more if they gave me what's on my list. Please, I will love you FOREVER!!

Things I want...
1) An MP3 player, preferably an ipod. The cd player I have is ghetto and it's huge. I lug it with me everywhere and I can never put it in my purse. It's also terrible. It always skips and sometimes it won't even play. This is very inconvenient when you really want to ignore the freaky guy on the bus. Also, it sucks up batteries and that's wasting valuable money.

2) A spa day. Yes, I want my nails done, a full body message, a facial etc... all things luxurious. Oh, maybe even a spray on tan (yes Rachet, you've convinced me cancer boxes are evil). I also wouldn't mind a new hair cut, maybe some highlights and a makeover.

3) A vacation. I want to go away some place warm and tropical. I don't care, as long as it's near the equator and I can have fruity drinks with little umbrellas. Yeah, I know that's a bit much, but hey.... you never know who reads this blog.

4)Nick Carter... ha ha ha... just kidding. Thought I'd put that in for old times sake. Seriously now... no one likes a chubb.... and well, neither do I.

5)A new computer. Now this is uber pricey so I would definitely contribute. Actually I would rather an upgrade. I don't know if that's possible on this hunk of junk, but it's definitely worth looking into.

6) Boots. Yes, many, many pairs of boots. I need a pair of tall black ones and of course, if you got black you gotta have brown. All very important for fashionable young ladies. Ok, and maybe some sneakers, preferably a pair of black Adidas which I saw at Brown's and a pair of sweet Puma's I saw yesterday at the Dufferin Mall.

7) And finally, some new house furnishings for my new digs. Ann Marie and I aren't sure what we need just yet, so I might have to adjust this list once I move in. I think we need a table and an island for our kitchen. Ikea time!

So that's it thus far. I just realized that's quite a bit and when added up is expensive. Indeed, it is. It's not my fault God blessed me with expensive tastes and desires. I know what you're thinking, "this is not the reason for the season". YES, I know that!! You people ruin all the fun :(

We likey

2005-11-14T14:00:00.000-05:00

My new jacket. We likey :)

now that's some hunky Jane Austen

2005-11-11T19:10:00.000-05:00

Went to see Pride and Prejudice tonight. It was terrible. I knew it would be. Kiera Knightley was not convincing enough as Elizabeth Bennett. They made her appear like she actually liked Darcy when in reality she loathed him. And Matthew MacFadyen sounded way too robotic to be a brewding Mr. Darcy. Not only that, they made him mope about the entire film. I know this is shallow but, my goodness he's cute. That's one thing they got right.

Conclusion: Nothing will ever claim my love for Jane Austen like the BBC. God bless those Brits!

I can't dither

2005-11-09T23:22:00.000-05:00

I have worked so hard to forgive. Sometimes, I can't believe how willing I am to forgive someone and actually forget about their wrong doing. When you forgive does it mean that you completely forget? No... it doesn't. You always remember what they did but you forgive, knowing that God will give you love for this person. You move on knowing that you have forgiven them because you never want to be bound by chains that can make you bitter, hateful and disobedient. You move on because you have faith God will change this person's heart and one day, maybe, they'll come to their senses and see their wrong doing. You move on because you can't hold a grudge, it just takes too much effort.

Tonight, like many other nights, I made an effort to befriend someone that hurt me terribly. It didn't work. I have forgiven this person, let's call them JP, but the pain they caused me still lingers. Tonight I spoke with JP and it just blew up in my face. It took one word, just a name to bring back all my hurt. It made me break. I want our friendship to be mended but I don't think it can be. I don't think I'll ever see this person the same way I used to.

The unfortunate thing is, this isn't just happening with one person. It's happening with a lot of people. I'm realizing more and more there are only a select few that I can call my friend. The rest, I just can't trust. I've been dealing with this issue for months now. How do you love someone, sincerely, but then be cautious around them? How can you be real with someone who has hurt you over and over again without not talking to them or holding a grudge? I can't do both. I can't see one person and pretend that I care deeply for them when in fact I emotionally and spiritually fear them. I can't straddle the two.

I'm SO tired

2005-11-04T21:01:00.000-05:00

I just pumped out three essays and one computer assignment in two days. I am SO tired. I really hope that they all get good marks, considering they were not really well done. I'm finding that as long as I give assignments in on time, I will be okay. It's handing them in late that screws me over. Late marks suck :( Also, lateness just makes essays so much harder to finish as you become filled with worry which just inhibits your ability to write clearly and creatively.

Anywho, now I am going home to do work for an assignment due next week. My weekend is full of scholastic joy as I have to study for a geography test on Tuesday. I have lots to do!! The only real fun I'm going to have this weekend is attending Andrea Todd's birthday party tomorrow night. YAY! And maybe hanging out with Dave on Sunday night. I hope he brings our friend Steve Hay. He's so cool. This guy is ridiculously tall and gangly looking with bright red hair. He's one of the most hilarious (yes, hilarious with one L) and politically astute people I've ever met. I haven't seen him since third year of university when I used to plague him with discussions pertaining to Tim Fairgrieve. Ah Tim Fairgrieve, the mysteries of infatuation.

Diane Neal... she's lovely looking

2005-11-01T21:41:00.000-05:00

A friend from class told me today that I look like the lawyer on Law and Order Special Victims Unit. She's told other people in my program and they all seem to agree that I look like this woman. I don't see it.

Actually, I think she looks more like Rachel Hahn. Especially in this picture.

Apparently, Rachel and I look alike. I don't mind looking like either of these women as I think they are pretty beautiful. Also, I have been thinking about dying my hair. I always used to get blond highlights, but Mena told me that brown hair would suit my features. Hmm... I'm not sure. If I end up looking anything like Diane Neal, I might really consider it.

questions

2005-10-31T23:15:00.000-05:00

I just realized I misjudged someone. That's okay. I'm glad I figured things out. I'm glad I can move on. I feel frustrated and if anything I feel really retarded. I thought I wasn't intimidated by this girl but I am now. It was all based on physical appearance, which is so ridiculously shallow I feel ashamed to admit it.

To be honest, I am feeling really crummy about who I am right now. I used to think I was deep; that I was real; that I had inner strength to be blatantly honest, but now, I realize i'm just like "everyone else". I'm fake with people ALL the time! I go back on my word often. I'm two-faced. I rarely follow-through. I make judgements. Who am I? What makes me think I stand out? What makes me so diferent from the next random person? My intellect? People seem to think I'm smart. What if it's a lie? What if I'm not? Maybe I don't know enough. What I'll never know enough about development and international relations? Maybe I'll never know enough about politics or history or economics or the Palestinian/Israeli peace process or IMF strutural adjustment... blah blah

I'm noticing my lack of depth a lot. I talk about surface crap. What depth do I supposedly have? I repeat the same conversations over and over again. Do I have nothing pertinent to say? Someone once told me that being deep was being depressed. If this is so, why am I so depressed and yet feel so shallow?

some thoughts

2005-10-31T22:10:00.000-05:00

Understanding the brokeness of humanity is important in maintaing a good friendship. I often overlook the sensitivities of others and underestimate the meaning of my words. I forget that pain can be triggered and evoked by a memory, a smell, a place, a song, a phrase, or a name. The effort made to accommodate for the painful circumstances of a friend should be reciprocal. It is a vital requirement of friendship. Compassion, respect, consideration, empathy, generousity, kindness, patience, sympathy and tolerance are so valuable to me in a friend. How can I expect that from someone without expecting it from myself? I seem to always expect so much from others. Perhaps it is human nature to demand perfection from everyone but not from ourselves.

Enough is enough

2005-10-26T13:31:00.000-04:00

I'm so sick of trying to be someone I'm not for someone who will never notice!

Look forward... keep your eyes on the prize.

2005-10-26T12:38:00.000-04:00

Well, last night I spent most of my time being unproductive and avoiding working on an assignment. I ended up going over to Ann Marie's house for supper after class. It was so much fun. Being unproductive wouldn't be so appealing if it didn't entail having such a good time. She made lentil soup and biscuits, which were so yummy. She even provided me with fancy French cheese and olives as a snack. Mmm... olives. We could of just eaten those all night and I would have been satisfied.

I got home around 12:30am and decided that I should attepmt to look over my assignment. I have to write up a report on a case study due for my Intro to Development class. If anyone knows anything about Teachers Without Borders, give me a shout. It's due tomorrow and does not entail very much work except for a little motivation on my part to get it done. Being motivated takes so much energy from me. I wish I could just do things by thinking of them. I always seem to be motivated in my mind rather than with my actions (does that make sense?) meh...

Anyways, instead of doing my assignment I spent an hour or so on the net. I know I'll regret not using my time wisely. It feels as though I spend a lot of time doing ridiculous things that have nothing to do with school or with God. I'm constantly on xanga sites and blogs. I need to stop because I think it's becoming addictive. I was looking at Matt and Annie's sites tonight. I have a tendency to feel jealous, maybe even a little depressed. My life has definitely been a lot different than his. So completely different that it's hard to imagine we ever connected. It's amazing remembering who I once connected with and how things have changed. Remembering those times makes me sad yet encourages me to move on to what God has for me.

haphazard rambling indeed

2005-10-21T00:17:00.000-04:00

Dearest Chinese Readers,

Thank you for coming to my blog site and reading. I do appreciate your interest. I want to thank you for your many gifts, in particular, the copious amounts of brown rice and green tea. I do not know what to do with it all. It seems that it will most likely be stored in my closet with your other gifts of umbrellas and galoshes.

I will also take your strong advice regarding green tea preparation very seriously. Here is what I have done thus far:

1. Boil water
2. Pour water into cup
3. Prepare tea in bags
4. Put tea bag in water
5. Steep lightly, gingerly, like holding a yoyo
6. Make sure water is indeed green
7. Do not drink whilst cold
8. If cold, put in microwave until warmed
9. Do not share gifts with roomates, strangers, parents, or other friends

I hope this meets to your satisfaction.

Also, I do apologize for my delay in writing to you and for the lack of creativity of this post. I know it's not up to your standards. Perhaps I shall write you a poem or song to make up for my carelessness.

My warmest regards,

haphazard rambling blog administrator

I know I said I wouldn't but I just couldn't hold myself back

2005-10-01T18:56:00.001-04:00

Ok... I have to say something because I am SOOOOOO excited. Today I was doing a research assignment for my management of international development class and I found my dream job. Oh my... it is FANTASTIC!!! I can't believe it! This assignment is very boring and so irritating, but now so worth it because I have finally figured out what I want to do with my life(giggling with glee). And what is so cool about this whole thing is that last night I was at TACF and I received prayer for Godly direction about my life. I know my Father is stirring up a passion in me and I cannot wait to see what HE's gonna do. God is AMAZING! He is so faithful to us in answering our prayers and hearing our requests. Props to my Heavenly Father!! (Mena, I am totally feelin ya.

Wooooooo!!!!!! (putting hand up with pointed finger)

YOU

2005-09-28T01:00:00.000-04:00

Worked for nothing it seems
Everything a deception
An imagined illusion
If I had only known
I would have been me FULLY
without worry, without fear, without contemplation
If only... if only

A pretty package
Charming and clever
A chance to be truthful
instead all lies
If you had only known
I would have cared
If only... if only

Now I remember a momentary glimpse
generic but real
Too bad
time to forget
It's hard, so hard
Apathy impossible
Don't think, analyze, remember

YOU
Ugh... you

some pictures

2005-09-26T23:53:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted in awhile. I finally figured out how to download my pictures onto my computer so... here are some shots of my boos (Morgan and Lia) and my friend Doreen's birthday. Gosh, she is sooo beautiful!! I love my friends. For all you naughty, dirty and deceitful boys out there... don't even think about it... she's taken (by someone decent and very honourable)!! Anyways, I had a great weekend. I went to a house warming party on Friday night and then on Saturday went out for dinner with Doreen. Sunday after church I had some drinks with Jonathan and Heidi. It was most lovely :)

Doreen and her friend Dima (who is WAY nice by the way)

Me and Doreen

I haven't seen my friend Steph is two years. The last time we saw one another was her wedding day. It was SO good to see her. I finally got to chat with her husband, Blair and he is one of the nicest guy I've ever met.

My boo...Morgan. She's my muffin.

And finally... Lia, the horniest cat known to man. If this baby goes into heat again, I swear Leslie and I will have nervous break downs.

so true...

2005-09-19T13:24:00.000-04:00

Fantasy is what they want but reality is what they need

forever frustrated

2005-09-16T17:03:00.000-04:00

Why can't people just speak up and be clear? I can never seem to understand this!!! What do you think will happen if you tell the truth? Do you think I'm going to bite your head off? Wait... knowing me I could do that. I take that question back. I guess what I'm trying to say is this... if you just had the guts to be honest you might be surprised by my response. Maybe it's not as bad as you think. Actually, it could be quite positive if you would only just spit it out. This lack of honesty and openess really is hard for me to understand and accept. Whatever happened to good ole communication skills? Isn't it normal for us to talk to one another. And by talking I don't mean surface crap but actually talking about something substantial. Come on, we're human beings, intellectual and spiritual human beings! We gotta be real. This means being vulnerable, which entails being authentic, straight forward and definitely being humble. How can any type of relationship truly exist without these things? I thought that was normal. I'm really starting to question the idea of normalcy. Perhaps it's all imaginary.

Why should I spend my time being frustrated with people who are lacking in their ability to communicate? Why should I fritter away my life consumed by analysis attempting to decipher "what's really going on"? Why am I hoping for people to change?

People don't change, they just get older (quoted by Ian Clarke)

How urksome.

Motown.... my happy songs

2005-09-14T23:19:00.000-04:00

Today was a hard day for me. I was really pissed off the entire day, especially before Living Room started. It's amazing how angry I can get. Grrrr...

Anyways, God was so good to me tonight. Jonathan totally realized how I was feeling and thankfully warned everyone as they entered that I was not in a good mood. He then proceeded to put on my "happy music". And if any of you know me, you know that it's something from Motown. Smokey Robinson's Tears of a Clown came on and I have to say, my entire mood changed. It was like I was brainwashed to feel happy when I listen to this stuff. Everytime I hear it I feel so gleeful that all my cares just seem to melt away. I was all into it and of course I promptly asked Jon if I could burn his cd. For some reason he said no. I was quite surprised but agreed that he didn't need to lend it to me. Everyone had a good laugh at my expense. I didn't understand why until they brought out the birthday cake and gave me the cd as a birthday gift. I was thrilled!!! They also gave me the whole Chronicles of Narnia which I plan to start as soon as possible. Jonathan and I have been plnanning to read this over the course of the fall so that we could watch the movie this December. I am SO pumped. After eating raspberry cheesecake (my favourite, compliments of Heidi) they laid hands on me and prayed. It was such a beautiful moment for me. I just felt so loved and cared for.

Living Room has been so great since I got back from India. This summer has been fruitful for many of us. The entire Living room experience has changed drastically. It's wonderful to meet with a group of people who are committed to the same thing: getting closer with the Living God. It was such a blessing tonight. As an act of worship we washed each others feet and then we prayed for each other. I felt so comforted and at peace. Not only that, Jussie prayed for me and it was exactly what I needed. I love it when God's spirit moves and gives people a word in prayer. It's such a blessing!! I realized that over the last year and a half all my frustration and all my agonizing over living room was so worth it to have what I experienced tonight. Sometimes things seem so hard and difficult, but when God gives us a blessing, when things finally get in the right place, all that waiting, all that suffering, it's all worth it. That one little breakthrough (props to Mena)is worth all the pain and hardship.

Amen

"It's like lemon but with lime"

2005-09-05T21:35:00.000-04:00

Ah Catherine. My sister. The more I talk to her the more I enjoy her. There are certain things that she does that just make me smile and laugh. Recently she got back from an archeological trip to Alaska and she was telling me about this fantastic guy she met(Supposedly he is going to be her husband. While Catherine was in the UK one of Nana's friends read her fortune and told her that). His name is Lyman (hence the title of this post).All weekend long we joked about his name. In so many ways she reminds me of my dad. He's always joking and having a good time. Sometimes it's weird how similar they are. They both have a habit of saying things aloud randomly for no reason. For example: tomato. ??? Often she'll burst out with some odd noise or some random song. Usually the cat is the object of her song, probably Tissue. Ahh Tissue.... I wish I could explain how much I love Tissue. How can you not love a cat who cries out with ecstasy when you pat her bum? What can I say, we're an extremely unsual and dysfunctional family. Even our cats are messed up. I guess the whole nurture argument rings true in the Howes household.

Anywho, I guess the point of this little blurb is that I love my family. I love my mother for being strong and assertive. I admire her for being bold and forgiving. I respect her because she is such an honourable and Godly woman. I love my father because he's working his life out (or at least attempting to) and really trying to make up for past wrongs. I care deeply for my sister because she is truly an awesome and beautiful young woman. I have such hope for her. In conclusion, I am glad that God ordained all the days of my life before the world was created. I think he set things up just fine:)

busy busy

2005-09-04T00:55:00.000-04:00

For someone who had no plans for the long weekend, I certainly have been quite busy. Elaine went to New York and Lastly(but not leastly... compliments of Jonathan Bluks)went away for the weekend to a cottage. They've left me here with no one except the kitty cats. So last night, I decided to have some good friends over for dinner and a movie. Lavle and Jon came over and we watched Troy. I have to say, I am SO not impressed with Brad Pitt anymore. I think it's the whole Angelina thing that's left a bad taste in my mouth. Anywho, during the film Felicity and Lisa came upstairs and ended up watching the rest of the movie with us. Later, the three of us enjoyed some quality girl time.

Today I actually woke up early and had Chai(real Indian chai compliments of me :)and an omelette for breakfast. It was SO yummy. After breakfast I ended up cleaning my whole room and then my highschool friend Doreen came over. We talked about my trip to India and then all about her new guy that she's seeing. After that I went to the CNE with Mena. I love Mena. We always have fun together. We went to all these silly show rooms that were so boring. I made her go into the vegetable and flower section which displayed all the various types of vegetables arranged on plates according to their rank. I think I am in love with the prize winning rhubarb. It was breath taking!! Mena was just about to exclaim her distaste in regards to the lack of creativity of the displays until she came upon the Lavender booth. Recently she seems to be coo coo for Lavender. We spent some time sniffing bags of leaves and various oils.

Later on that night we went to see the Toronto Urban Music Festival, which I have to say was awesome. I wish we had dropped in on it earlier because we caught the last part of Divine Brown. She was so good!! As she finished her last song the fireworks show started and it turned out that we had perfect seats. We chatted and laughed while watching the fireworks and then headed home early in the hopes of avoiding the large crowds. I had such a good time tonight. Tomorrow I am having breakfast with Nick Debrey and then am off to church for set up. After church I get to hang out with Jon and chat about what's been happening with my life. I really am blessed to have the friends that I have. God has been so faithful in providing me with good people to encourage and uplift me. Thanks Jesus, I love you.

what's wrong with me?

2005-09-01T10:09:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had those times when you think you've gotten over something and then realize, quite suddenly, that you haven't? Well, that just happened to me. I thought for a few brief moments (actually, it was about six weeks) that I had finally gotten over my insecurities. Thank goodness I was free! I was WRONG! I'm not sure if it's God or just constant over-analysis, but recently something has entered my life which has caused me to feel so insecure and humiliated. Everytime I think about it I shudder and only feel embarrassement. I can't seem to shake it off. No matter how much I tell myself that I am God's child and that I have nothing to worry about, my thoughts always seem to revert back to negative over-analysis. "You're an idiot, what are you doing?" Even now as I write this I'm thinking to myself, "You're too serious, you should write something more entertaining... blah blah blah" I feel like I am constantly attmepting to retrain my thoughts; always working hard to kill that small voice trying to bring me down. What's awful, is that it's affecting EVERYTHING! My friendships and even potential relationships are being put in jeopardy by this stupid stuff. I can't stand it, which makes the whole thing even more frustrating. Last night, while sitting and chatting with a good friend, I actually got so embarrassed that I think he thought I was crying. What's wrong with me?!!!

boys....tee hee

2005-08-29T23:28:00.000-04:00

ok, yeah, this subject was bound to come up sometime. If you know me at all, you know that at some point I'll talk about boys in some form or another. Recently, I have worked very hard to not think about them because I did not to get distracted from God. So, the moment I promise to think only of Jesus, what happens, everyone starts talking about marriages, crushes and engagements. They all begin to ask me (ok, it was only one good friend) questions about how to stop thinking about their crushes, meanwhile they have no idea that I am struggling to do the same thing. Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah... So of course, I am now going to give in and talk about, yes.. you guessed it, boys. I like boys. They are so nice. I like one boy in particular. And y'all will never guess who. He is very nice. Let's call him..... Frankfurt. Oh that makes me giggle we have to change that. I would never like a boy named Frankfurt or even Franklin or hey, let's be honest, even Frank. OK, so his name is Peter, with a nickname of Petey. We likey. So... Petey is way fashionable and oh so cool. Petey doesn't care about what people think of him. Petey is super respectful and very honourable. There is no one who is more sweeter and kinder than Petey. In simple terms... Petey rules. oh yeah... and he loves God. I guess I should have mentioned that first because that is the most important. Oh... did I also mention that Petey is super duper handsome? Oh, he's dreamy alright!

So... basically, this post is not about anything in particular but about a boy named Petey. (gush)