Politics, politics, politics

I have discovered that I truly am a political science gal. I thought I was all about history, but now I am realizing political science makes me so happy. Just the mere mentioning of something political grabs my interest. So much so that I must interrupt and state my opinion. Sorry, sometimes I just can't hold back. Yesterday I got to chat about the results of the Cdn. election with a friend. We moved from Conservative radicalism, to Cdn. foreign policy, to US foreign policy, to Israel and the 6 Day War, and fianlly settled on Iran and nuclear policy. It was a rather lengthy conversation as it took place over Messenger. I so enjoyed it. I think political discussion is becoming a lot easier for me as I am not as emotional. I used to get upset when someone would disagree, especially if it was regarding the effectiveness of the UN or about the uses of the WTO, WB or IMF. Now I have a better grasp on my emotions (or rather my temper) and accept defeat if I must. I'm hoping my concessions are becoming less in number as I get better and more informed. I should have joined the debating team at Hart House when I was at UofT. I could have kicked ass.

Speaking of kicking ass, did anyone hear about the election results in Palestine? Hamas won!! Not that I am supporting a party which has underground Muslim radicals and a secret militant wing (although not really secret), I just think it will cause a lot of turmoil for the US. I'm not anti-US, but certainly interested in learning their new strategy in the Middle East. It would be so contradictory for the US to talk about democracy for all while attempting to remove a democratically elected government. Mind you, that wouldn't surprise me. I could really rant about that.

Despite my renewed interest in poli-sci, I still adore history. Today, Lavle lent me a book on the rise of western civilization. I was so excited when Ann Marie handed it to me that I started to read through the table of contents aloud. She was so interested in it, she asked to read it after I'm done. Not only will this apartment be a place full of God's grace and love(yes, that sounds incredibly lame, but alas, it's true), it will be full of smarty pants girls who know history and politics.

Woo hoo!

Gray hairs and miscellaneous

I'm at school and I just went to the bathroom and as I was washing my hands, I noticed something in my hair. It appeared to be a very shiny light blond strand of hair. It was gleeming in the light. As I looked closer to inspect the lovely strand I noticed it was no longer blond. It was white. I can't believe I have a gray hair! I promptly plucked it out. I hope that saying about two more gray hairs growing back in is not true. This may sound lame but I feel so old. I'm only 24 and I'm getting gray hair!!! The next thing to expect is baldness. Oh Lord help me!

On to better news. I got a laptop yesterday. It's "pretty". I love it. I bought a rip-off of a warranty, which I have decided to return. I've also decided I'm going to spend all my free time in cafes and coffee shops writing essays and journalling. I can't wait. I also get to watch DVDs on it, which makes me happy. (yay!!) I'm also getting internet service tomorrow. The Rogers guy is coming at 8am. Yes, it's early but it was the only time for him to come. I guess I best be up and ready. I'm so glad to be getting the internet. I can finally connect with the real world. Not having email and the web has been really hard on me, especially considering I use them so much for school. It feels as though I haven't actually started yet.

So... school really begins tomorrow.

Right now I'm at Minaker's house. I'm using the net cuz I don't have it at home. Lavle is here with me, which makes this post most fun. I love Lavle. (Ha ha SUCKAS, too bad you can't be here to enjoy him.) I also made salsa dip tonight. Unfortuantely I was unable to go to Value Village to get a serving plate for it. I had to use one of Luke's plates instead. The dip was quite yummy though. We ate it all in less than twenty minutes. Lucky for Ann Marie I saved her some. Soooo good.

After LR we ended up watching Firefly. It's this television show that got cancelled after only one season. I don't know why. It's quite good. THe main character always gets seriously injured in every show. I like it cuz at least there is some action albeit unrealistic.

Anywho, tonight I actually blushed for the first time in months. It usually takes a lot to make me blush. I have to say, I never thought Luke could pull it off. Oh Lukie, you're a quick one.

tee hee

Self-loathing

What a terrible day. I suppose it's not really terrible. I just feel so blah. You know those days when you just feel down and you can't pinpoint it? Something is aching in your heart, but you can't quite name it? Something deep inside just feels... empty. I feel so alone today. More alone than ever before. I need my Father so badly. I just need one touch, one word, just a little piece of glory so I can have some peace. Anything, as long as it takes this feeling away, even if it's for a moment. Nothing is right it seems. I could eat lunch with Nelson Mandela today and it wouldn't matter (yeah, seems weird, but I think that would make my life super perfect if I could say I ate lunch with Nelson Mandela. I wonder what he would order?). Why him? I don't know? I imagine he would say something super inspirational to make me refocus my life and help me realign my priorities, maybe push me to see beyond myself for once. Even if I did finally become selfless and changed. Even if I had recognition, fame, status and brains; (improper use of a semi-colon) deep down, I would still feel this longing, this brokeness. I hate it and all it represents. I'm nauseous just thinking of it.

I hate my neediness.

Finally a post, let's hope it's interesting

Considing I have not written anything in over a month, I thought it was due time to post something. As for what? I don't know? I have to be honest here, I really am finding this whole blogging thing rather boring. I mean, I could write all the things that go through my head on a regular basis, but that would mean that everyone would read it. Do I really want my personal information, my personal thoughts and feelings read by people who I may not even trust or like. Now, I'm sure I like most of you, well... maybe not. Actually, I imagine there are some people who read this blog who I absolutely loath.

Anyways, I guess I should write something pertinent. Today I started school. It's going to be CRAZY. At the end of this term we have to do a relief simulation. This sounds exciting and absolutly terrifying. It's very lifelike and we have to deal with terrorist threats, security issues, bribes, fraud, poor planning etc... What's worse is that this simulation makes or breaks my mark. My professor said that students last year found it SO stressful that some actually decided to not go into development work. That makes me rather nervous. I also have this huge project, which was assigned today. I have to choose a country where I haven't travelled to and develop this ridiculously detailed implementation plan. It all sounds really boring but it's SO much work. I have to phone all these consulates and embassies. I've only had one class and I feel like I have tons to do.

Minus all the school work, life is pretty good. I'm living in my new place, which is now finally coming together. I had tons of junk in my room that I cleaned up over the weekend. I can now see my floor and walk freely without tripping over my belongings. I also spent the weekend catching up with some good friends. I spent Friday night with Luke. We watched this movie called the Insider, recommended by Karl. No offense to Karl, but it was kinda boring and very slow moving. In fact it was so slow moving, I was getting stressed and frustrated just watching it. The best part of the whole night was when we had blueberry cheesecake (sooooo good, drool). Of course, Luke was good company too:) On Saturday I went to a Ukrainian Christmas party and got to hang out with some really great people. I ended up going to play in the snow at Christie Pits and had lots of fun playing on the equipment and making snow angels. I also got the best gift from Lastly and Elaine. It's a jar specifically for saving money for shoes. It's all pink and girly and has all these shoes on it. I was so excited, I promptly put money in. On Sunday night I got to hang out and chat with two people I admire, Jonathan amd Dave. All in all, it was a busy yet pleasant weekend. Oh, did I also mention that I live with Ann Marie who is the bestest person ever?!! MMway good.

This week looks good too. I get to see my momsie and grandma on Wednesday in the morning and then in the afternooon I get to go shopping with Heather. I'm also planning a Bollywood night with some girlfriends from school, which I'm really looking forward to. We're all going to wear our sarees and salwars (sp?)and eat Indian food. Yummy. I can't wait to hear some really cheesy Indian music. Perhaps we'll watch Bunty Aur Babli so I can sing Kajra Re all week. It was playing everywhere while I was in India. It's so catchy.

Well, I think I've written enough for now. Perhaps I shall write again in another month.

enough said...

1 John 4:7-8
7Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Sweet

I don't wanna know your name
Cause you don't look the same
The way you did before
OK you think you got a pretty face
But the rest of you is out of place
You looked all right before

Fox on the run
You screamed and everybody comes a-running
Take a run and hide yourself away
Fox on the run
F-foxy, foxy on the run and hideaway

You-you talk about just every band
But the names you drop are second hand
I've heard it all before
I don't wanna know your name
Cause you don't look the same
The way you did before
(repeat chorus)

Yeah, Varanassi!!!

I was lying in bed remembering my time in Varanassi with Josh and Elissa and I had to post once again. On our last night there, we went to this weird festival thing at the main ghat. During the Hindu celebration, I had this urge to praise God, so I started to do that. I got so wrapped up in worship that I really stopped paying attention to my surroundings. When I finally came to, I noticed that some people in the crowd were glaring at me. I thought that was rather interesting until I saw a lot of people glaring. It was not a nice glare, it was actually REALLY mean. I kinda felt attacked spiritually so I turned around to leave and ran smack into a Kali shrine (just so you know, Kali is a mean, vengeful, blood thirsty Goddess. She has a bright red face, crazy black hair and the ickiest grin on her face). I sorta got freaked out and asked if we could leave. We ended up catching a bicycle rickshaw home. It was great. The breeze was so fresh (oddly enough) and cool. After our ride, we disembarked and I'll never forget what happened. As Elissa got off she lost her balance and fell into the biggest, wettest pile of cow poo. It had to have been at least up to her ankles. We laughed SO hard we cried.

My Wish List

Ok, I know it's WAY too early and probably very juvenile, but I have decided to write out my Christmas wish list. Now, these are ONLY suggestions, but I would love a person so much more if they gave me what's on my list. Please, I will love you FOREVER!!

Things I want...
1) An MP3 player, preferably an ipod. The cd player I have is ghetto and it's huge. I lug it with me everywhere and I can never put it in my purse. It's also terrible. It always skips and sometimes it won't even play. This is very inconvenient when you really want to ignore the freaky guy on the bus. Also, it sucks up batteries and that's wasting valuable money.

2) A spa day. Yes, I want my nails done, a full body message, a facial etc... all things luxurious. Oh, maybe even a spray on tan (yes Rachet, you've convinced me cancer boxes are evil). I also wouldn't mind a new hair cut, maybe some highlights and a makeover.

3) A vacation. I want to go away some place warm and tropical. I don't care, as long as it's near the equator and I can have fruity drinks with little umbrellas. Yeah, I know that's a bit much, but hey.... you never know who reads this blog.

4)Nick Carter... ha ha ha... just kidding. Thought I'd put that in for old times sake. Seriously now... no one likes a chubb.... and well, neither do I.

5)A new computer. Now this is uber pricey so I would definitely contribute. Actually I would rather an upgrade. I don't know if that's possible on this hunk of junk, but it's definitely worth looking into.

6) Boots. Yes, many, many pairs of boots. I need a pair of tall black ones and of course, if you got black you gotta have brown. All very important for fashionable young ladies. Ok, and maybe some sneakers, preferably a pair of black Adidas which I saw at Brown's and a pair of sweet Puma's I saw yesterday at the Dufferin Mall.

7) And finally, some new house furnishings for my new digs. Ann Marie and I aren't sure what we need just yet, so I might have to adjust this list once I move in. I think we need a table and an island for our kitchen. Ikea time!

So that's it thus far. I just realized that's quite a bit and when added up is expensive. Indeed, it is. It's not my fault God blessed me with expensive tastes and desires. I know what you're thinking, "this is not the reason for the season". YES, I know that!! You people ruin all the fun :(

We likey

My new jacket. We likey :)

now that's some hunky Jane Austen

Went to see Pride and Prejudice tonight. It was terrible. I knew it would be. Kiera Knightley was not convincing enough as Elizabeth Bennett. They made her appear like she actually liked Darcy when in reality she loathed him. And Matthew MacFadyen sounded way too robotic to be a brewding Mr. Darcy. Not only that, they made him mope about the entire film. I know this is shallow but, my goodness he's cute. That's one thing they got right.

Conclusion: Nothing will ever claim my love for Jane Austen like the BBC. God bless those Brits!

I can't dither

I have worked so hard to forgive. Sometimes, I can't believe how willing I am to forgive someone and actually forget about their wrong doing. When you forgive does it mean that you completely forget? No... it doesn't. You always remember what they did but you forgive, knowing that God will give you love for this person. You move on knowing that you have forgiven them because you never want to be bound by chains that can make you bitter, hateful and disobedient. You move on because you have faith God will change this person's heart and one day, maybe, they'll come to their senses and see their wrong doing. You move on because you can't hold a grudge, it just takes too much effort.

Tonight, like many other nights, I made an effort to befriend someone that hurt me terribly. It didn't work. I have forgiven this person, let's call them JP, but the pain they caused me still lingers. Tonight I spoke with JP and it just blew up in my face. It took one word, just a name to bring back all my hurt. It made me break. I want our friendship to be mended but I don't think it can be. I don't think I'll ever see this person the same way I used to.

The unfortunate thing is, this isn't just happening with one person. It's happening with a lot of people. I'm realizing more and more there are only a select few that I can call my friend. The rest, I just can't trust. I've been dealing with this issue for months now. How do you love someone, sincerely, but then be cautious around them? How can you be real with someone who has hurt you over and over again without not talking to them or holding a grudge? I can't do both. I can't see one person and pretend that I care deeply for them when in fact I emotionally and spiritually fear them. I can't straddle the two.

I'm SO tired

I just pumped out three essays and one computer assignment in two days. I am SO tired. I really hope that they all get good marks, considering they were not really well done. I'm finding that as long as I give assignments in on time, I will be okay. It's handing them in late that screws me over. Late marks suck :( Also, lateness just makes essays so much harder to finish as you become filled with worry which just inhibits your ability to write clearly and creatively.

Anywho, now I am going home to do work for an assignment due next week. My weekend is full of scholastic joy as I have to study for a geography test on Tuesday. I have lots to do!! The only real fun I'm going to have this weekend is attending Andrea Todd's birthday party tomorrow night. YAY! And maybe hanging out with Dave on Sunday night. I hope he brings our friend Steve Hay. He's so cool. This guy is ridiculously tall and gangly looking with bright red hair. He's one of the most hilarious (yes, hilarious with one L) and politically astute people I've ever met. I haven't seen him since third year of university when I used to plague him with discussions pertaining to Tim Fairgrieve. Ah Tim Fairgrieve, the mysteries of infatuation.

Diane Neal... she's lovely looking

A friend from class told me today that I look like the lawyer on Law and Order Special Victims Unit. She's told other people in my program and they all seem to agree that I look like this woman. I don't see it.


Actually, I think she looks more like Rachel Hahn. Especially in this picture.


Apparently, Rachel and I look alike. I don't mind looking like either of these women as I think they are pretty beautiful. Also, I have been thinking about dying my hair. I always used to get blond highlights, but Mena told me that brown hair would suit my features. Hmm... I'm not sure. If I end up looking anything like Diane Neal, I might really consider it.

questions

I just realized I misjudged someone. That's okay. I'm glad I figured things out. I'm glad I can move on. I feel frustrated and if anything I feel really retarded. I thought I wasn't intimidated by this girl but I am now. It was all based on physical appearance, which is so ridiculously shallow I feel ashamed to admit it.

To be honest, I am feeling really crummy about who I am right now. I used to think I was deep; that I was real; that I had inner strength to be blatantly honest, but now, I realize i'm just like "everyone else". I'm fake with people ALL the time! I go back on my word often. I'm two-faced. I rarely follow-through. I make judgements. Who am I? What makes me think I stand out? What makes me so diferent from the next random person? My intellect? People seem to think I'm smart. What if it's a lie? What if I'm not? Maybe I don't know enough. What I'll never know enough about development and international relations? Maybe I'll never know enough about politics or history or economics or the Palestinian/Israeli peace process or IMF strutural adjustment... blah blah

I'm noticing my lack of depth a lot. I talk about surface crap. What depth do I supposedly have? I repeat the same conversations over and over again. Do I have nothing pertinent to say? Someone once told me that being deep was being depressed. If this is so, why am I so depressed and yet feel so shallow?

some thoughts

Understanding the brokeness of humanity is important in maintaing a good friendship. I often overlook the sensitivities of others and underestimate the meaning of my words. I forget that pain can be triggered and evoked by a memory, a smell, a place, a song, a phrase, or a name. The effort made to accommodate for the painful circumstances of a friend should be reciprocal. It is a vital requirement of friendship. Compassion, respect, consideration, empathy, generousity, kindness, patience, sympathy and tolerance are so valuable to me in a friend. How can I expect that from someone without expecting it from myself? I seem to always expect so much from others. Perhaps it is human nature to demand perfection from everyone but not from ourselves.

Enough is enough

I'm so sick of trying to be someone I'm not for someone who will never notice!

Look forward... keep your eyes on the prize.

Well, last night I spent most of my time being unproductive and avoiding working on an assignment. I ended up going over to Ann Marie's house for supper after class. It was so much fun. Being unproductive wouldn't be so appealing if it didn't entail having such a good time. She made lentil soup and biscuits, which were so yummy. She even provided me with fancy French cheese and olives as a snack. Mmm... olives. We could of just eaten those all night and I would have been satisfied.

I got home around 12:30am and decided that I should attepmt to look over my assignment. I have to write up a report on a case study due for my Intro to Development class. If anyone knows anything about Teachers Without Borders, give me a shout. It's due tomorrow and does not entail very much work except for a little motivation on my part to get it done. Being motivated takes so much energy from me. I wish I could just do things by thinking of them. I always seem to be motivated in my mind rather than with my actions (does that make sense?) meh...

Anyways, instead of doing my assignment I spent an hour or so on the net. I know I'll regret not using my time wisely. It feels as though I spend a lot of time doing ridiculous things that have nothing to do with school or with God. I'm constantly on xanga sites and blogs. I need to stop because I think it's becoming addictive. I was looking at Matt and Annie's sites tonight. I have a tendency to feel jealous, maybe even a little depressed. My life has definitely been a lot different than his. So completely different that it's hard to imagine we ever connected. It's amazing remembering who I once connected with and how things have changed. Remembering those times makes me sad yet encourages me to move on to what God has for me.

haphazard rambling indeed

Dearest Chinese Readers,

Thank you for coming to my blog site and reading. I do appreciate your interest. I want to thank you for your many gifts, in particular, the copious amounts of brown rice and green tea. I do not know what to do with it all. It seems that it will most likely be stored in my closet with your other gifts of umbrellas and galoshes.

I will also take your strong advice regarding green tea preparation very seriously. Here is what I have done thus far:

1. Boil water
2. Pour water into cup
3. Prepare tea in bags
4. Put tea bag in water
5. Steep lightly, gingerly, like holding a yoyo
6. Make sure water is indeed green
7. Do not drink whilst cold
8. If cold, put in microwave until warmed
9. Do not share gifts with roomates, strangers, parents, or other friends

I hope this meets to your satisfaction.

Also, I do apologize for my delay in writing to you and for the lack of creativity of this post. I know it's not up to your standards. Perhaps I shall write you a poem or song to make up for my carelessness.

My warmest regards,

haphazard rambling blog administrator

I know I said I wouldn't but I just couldn't hold myself back

Ok... I have to say something because I am SOOOOOO excited. Today I was doing a research assignment for my management of international development class and I found my dream job. Oh my... it is FANTASTIC!!! I can't believe it! This assignment is very boring and so irritating, but now so worth it because I have finally figured out what I want to do with my life(giggling with glee). And what is so cool about this whole thing is that last night I was at TACF and I received prayer for Godly direction about my life. I know my Father is stirring up a passion in me and I cannot wait to see what HE's gonna do. God is AMAZING! He is so faithful to us in answering our prayers and hearing our requests. Props to my Heavenly Father!! (Mena, I am totally feelin ya.

Wooooooo!!!!!! (putting hand up with pointed finger)