My reading week is over. I could have accomplished so much, but instead I lounged and watched the Olympics. I have two tests when I get back on Tuesday and for some odd reason I am not worried. I feel uncomfortable with my lack of anxiety. Usually this is what motivates me to study and to do well. Lately, I seem to have developed a very apathetic attitude towards school. I'm at a loss to explain it. I'm getting tired of "doing", of being productive. I'm constantly being pushed by the world to do do do do. It's endless: devotional time, prayer, research, essays, proposals, readings, tests, resume writing, job applications, volunteer applications, networking, the LSAT, law school, graduate school applications, social excursions, family commitments, reformating my computer, calling the embassy in Mozambique, internships etc.... the list goes on and on. After awhile I get lost in tasks. When I finally have a moments peace, I just want to sleep and relax. But even after all my justification and rationalizing, I have tremendous guilt. I'm worried that nothing will ever motivate me. At the beginning of 1st term I was so enthusiastic. Every time I sat in class I could feel God's spirit all over me, pushing me, exciting me, driving me to learn. Now I feel dismay. I don't know what to do or how to fix this.

it's becoming a bit much

I am offended by the things people say to me; by the words they speak into my life. Who told you that? Was it really God or did you just feel haughty and speak impetuously? I’m so tired of people speaking words into my life before God does. I am so sick of having to hear that I am one way and not another from someone else who is not my Father. If God knows me better than I know myself, what makes you assume you can point the finger and tell me who I am? What makes you feel so self-righteous? What arrogance! Shouldn't you ask the Lord what He thinks of your words before you speak them? Do you ever consider, even if you are correct in your judgement, that perhaps you should not utter it? Do you think that all knowledge is from God for you to speak?

Furthermore, I am so sick of this bullshit about alternative lifestyles. I quote: “We only eat whole grain bread”, “we don’t eat white flour”, we don’t bank at this institution”, “we only drink fair trade coffee”, “I don't watch tv”, "my children have to use clothe diapers", I make my own organic baby food", “my vitamins absorb quicker than yours”, "I only use non-toxic products”, “Did you know that no matter how much spinach you eat, if it’s not organic, you’re not really getting any nutrients”, "You shouldn't drink pop, it's bad for you", "red meat is unhealthy", "I eat meat, but only if it's organic". Argh!!!!! Who cares!

I am constantly under a microscope; always being inspected, always being watched. I can’t breathe without commentary. I am trapped by this constant nagging. This never ending expectation. It’s strangling me.

There is nothing either good or bad; but thinking makes it so.- Hamlet, II, ii, 259

An ode to Luke and Ann Marie

Ahh... I love my friends. They are the bestest :)

Tonight after church I was in a foul mood. I felt so disconnected and yucky. I can't explain it. Blah.

As I was leaving to go to the subway (actually, I was in quite a hasty rush) Ann Marie ran after me. "I'm not letting you go home alone" she said. So I decided to go out to Lone Star with her and Luke for some free food (compliments of Luke's dad's coupons). We ordered 1lb of fajitas and a nice shrimp appetizer. I'm stuffed.

The food was delicious, but the company was even better, which cheered me up almost instantly. YAY!! Now I am very happy. I laughed all the way home on the bus as Luke did impressions of Sean Connery in French, German and Spanish. It's hard to believe that's possible but he pulled it off so convincingly.

God is so good to me.

Take me away with you

My week of horribleness is almost over. I have one more test left to write, which is a finance test tomorrow. Tonight I wrote another test in issues in international development. I think it went well. I had this long (very whispery) conversation with my prof during the test about Christianity and what church I go to. It was so cool. I love how some of my profs are Christians. It puts things into perspective for me and makes me realize that God's people are working everywhere.

On the way home from school I got into a very intense discussion with two of my classmates about development and how in reality it is really a pointless field that changes nothing. Basically the world is full of greed and ego-centricity and that at the end of the day if we had a choice of choosing between someone else and ourselves, truth be told, we would choose ourselves. I'm not sure if I subscribe to this belief. I feel it is rather cynical. I really didn't know what to say about this and so for the first time in quite awhile, I didn't speak. I began to seriously question what I would do if I had to choose. I am preoccupied with so many things: law school applications, LSATs, MA programs, money, my hair, boys, my life; in a way, I am no different than the people being described by my classmates. Here I am consumed with self, having selfish motives and being viewed by some as being selfless. I would hope that I would choose someone else, like Christ did. That I would give of myself so completely that my own life would not matter. I feel I am not at that point yet and it is something I definitely want to aim for. When I think about working overseas I worry about being injured, being threatened and even being killed. In the long run, these things should not matter to me, especially if this is what God is calling me to do with my life. I need to put my flesh aside and let God take me away, let Him take control.

That is so hard.

Words: the power to heal or hurt, to bring life or death

Your seeds blow into my garden, friend,
and nestle among my flowers
in the soft sweet soil of my garden plot
they wait for the sun and the showers
whatever you grow in your garden, friend,
of beauty or ugly weed
the fall will come and the wind will blow
and over will come your seed.

Your words blow into my life, my friend,
whether of good or ill.
your thoughts fly over like ships of love
or daggers that pierce and kill.
your smiles blow into my heart, dear friend,
and neighbour across the way
they blow and blossom in buds of love,
a blessing to life all day.

frustrated and distracted

Have you ever wanted something so badly that just the thought of it drives you crazy? I tell you, I am going INSANE! Wanting what you can't have can be very taxing on one's nerves. It's also very distracting when you have class pertaining to important Visa permit information and NGO registration.

Argh...

When God tells you something, listen.
After he's finished, be obedient.
Trust me, it will save you so much grief.
Also, if you fall; don't be too hard on yourself.
God's grace is sufficient

Politics, politics, politics

I have discovered that I truly am a political science gal. I thought I was all about history, but now I am realizing political science makes me so happy. Just the mere mentioning of something political grabs my interest. So much so that I must interrupt and state my opinion. Sorry, sometimes I just can't hold back. Yesterday I got to chat about the results of the Cdn. election with a friend. We moved from Conservative radicalism, to Cdn. foreign policy, to US foreign policy, to Israel and the 6 Day War, and fianlly settled on Iran and nuclear policy. It was a rather lengthy conversation as it took place over Messenger. I so enjoyed it. I think political discussion is becoming a lot easier for me as I am not as emotional. I used to get upset when someone would disagree, especially if it was regarding the effectiveness of the UN or about the uses of the WTO, WB or IMF. Now I have a better grasp on my emotions (or rather my temper) and accept defeat if I must. I'm hoping my concessions are becoming less in number as I get better and more informed. I should have joined the debating team at Hart House when I was at UofT. I could have kicked ass.

Speaking of kicking ass, did anyone hear about the election results in Palestine? Hamas won!! Not that I am supporting a party which has underground Muslim radicals and a secret militant wing (although not really secret), I just think it will cause a lot of turmoil for the US. I'm not anti-US, but certainly interested in learning their new strategy in the Middle East. It would be so contradictory for the US to talk about democracy for all while attempting to remove a democratically elected government. Mind you, that wouldn't surprise me. I could really rant about that.

Despite my renewed interest in poli-sci, I still adore history. Today, Lavle lent me a book on the rise of western civilization. I was so excited when Ann Marie handed it to me that I started to read through the table of contents aloud. She was so interested in it, she asked to read it after I'm done. Not only will this apartment be a place full of God's grace and love(yes, that sounds incredibly lame, but alas, it's true), it will be full of smarty pants girls who know history and politics.

Woo hoo!

Gray hairs and miscellaneous

I'm at school and I just went to the bathroom and as I was washing my hands, I noticed something in my hair. It appeared to be a very shiny light blond strand of hair. It was gleeming in the light. As I looked closer to inspect the lovely strand I noticed it was no longer blond. It was white. I can't believe I have a gray hair! I promptly plucked it out. I hope that saying about two more gray hairs growing back in is not true. This may sound lame but I feel so old. I'm only 24 and I'm getting gray hair!!! The next thing to expect is baldness. Oh Lord help me!

On to better news. I got a laptop yesterday. It's "pretty". I love it. I bought a rip-off of a warranty, which I have decided to return. I've also decided I'm going to spend all my free time in cafes and coffee shops writing essays and journalling. I can't wait. I also get to watch DVDs on it, which makes me happy. (yay!!) I'm also getting internet service tomorrow. The Rogers guy is coming at 8am. Yes, it's early but it was the only time for him to come. I guess I best be up and ready. I'm so glad to be getting the internet. I can finally connect with the real world. Not having email and the web has been really hard on me, especially considering I use them so much for school. It feels as though I haven't actually started yet.

So... school really begins tomorrow.

Right now I'm at Minaker's house. I'm using the net cuz I don't have it at home. Lavle is here with me, which makes this post most fun. I love Lavle. (Ha ha SUCKAS, too bad you can't be here to enjoy him.) I also made salsa dip tonight. Unfortuantely I was unable to go to Value Village to get a serving plate for it. I had to use one of Luke's plates instead. The dip was quite yummy though. We ate it all in less than twenty minutes. Lucky for Ann Marie I saved her some. Soooo good.

After LR we ended up watching Firefly. It's this television show that got cancelled after only one season. I don't know why. It's quite good. THe main character always gets seriously injured in every show. I like it cuz at least there is some action albeit unrealistic.

Anywho, tonight I actually blushed for the first time in months. It usually takes a lot to make me blush. I have to say, I never thought Luke could pull it off. Oh Lukie, you're a quick one.

tee hee

Self-loathing

What a terrible day. I suppose it's not really terrible. I just feel so blah. You know those days when you just feel down and you can't pinpoint it? Something is aching in your heart, but you can't quite name it? Something deep inside just feels... empty. I feel so alone today. More alone than ever before. I need my Father so badly. I just need one touch, one word, just a little piece of glory so I can have some peace. Anything, as long as it takes this feeling away, even if it's for a moment. Nothing is right it seems. I could eat lunch with Nelson Mandela today and it wouldn't matter (yeah, seems weird, but I think that would make my life super perfect if I could say I ate lunch with Nelson Mandela. I wonder what he would order?). Why him? I don't know? I imagine he would say something super inspirational to make me refocus my life and help me realign my priorities, maybe push me to see beyond myself for once. Even if I did finally become selfless and changed. Even if I had recognition, fame, status and brains; (improper use of a semi-colon) deep down, I would still feel this longing, this brokeness. I hate it and all it represents. I'm nauseous just thinking of it.

I hate my neediness.

Finally a post, let's hope it's interesting

Considing I have not written anything in over a month, I thought it was due time to post something. As for what? I don't know? I have to be honest here, I really am finding this whole blogging thing rather boring. I mean, I could write all the things that go through my head on a regular basis, but that would mean that everyone would read it. Do I really want my personal information, my personal thoughts and feelings read by people who I may not even trust or like. Now, I'm sure I like most of you, well... maybe not. Actually, I imagine there are some people who read this blog who I absolutely loath.

Anyways, I guess I should write something pertinent. Today I started school. It's going to be CRAZY. At the end of this term we have to do a relief simulation. This sounds exciting and absolutly terrifying. It's very lifelike and we have to deal with terrorist threats, security issues, bribes, fraud, poor planning etc... What's worse is that this simulation makes or breaks my mark. My professor said that students last year found it SO stressful that some actually decided to not go into development work. That makes me rather nervous. I also have this huge project, which was assigned today. I have to choose a country where I haven't travelled to and develop this ridiculously detailed implementation plan. It all sounds really boring but it's SO much work. I have to phone all these consulates and embassies. I've only had one class and I feel like I have tons to do.

Minus all the school work, life is pretty good. I'm living in my new place, which is now finally coming together. I had tons of junk in my room that I cleaned up over the weekend. I can now see my floor and walk freely without tripping over my belongings. I also spent the weekend catching up with some good friends. I spent Friday night with Luke. We watched this movie called the Insider, recommended by Karl. No offense to Karl, but it was kinda boring and very slow moving. In fact it was so slow moving, I was getting stressed and frustrated just watching it. The best part of the whole night was when we had blueberry cheesecake (sooooo good, drool). Of course, Luke was good company too:) On Saturday I went to a Ukrainian Christmas party and got to hang out with some really great people. I ended up going to play in the snow at Christie Pits and had lots of fun playing on the equipment and making snow angels. I also got the best gift from Lastly and Elaine. It's a jar specifically for saving money for shoes. It's all pink and girly and has all these shoes on it. I was so excited, I promptly put money in. On Sunday night I got to hang out and chat with two people I admire, Jonathan amd Dave. All in all, it was a busy yet pleasant weekend. Oh, did I also mention that I live with Ann Marie who is the bestest person ever?!! MMway good.

This week looks good too. I get to see my momsie and grandma on Wednesday in the morning and then in the afternooon I get to go shopping with Heather. I'm also planning a Bollywood night with some girlfriends from school, which I'm really looking forward to. We're all going to wear our sarees and salwars (sp?)and eat Indian food. Yummy. I can't wait to hear some really cheesy Indian music. Perhaps we'll watch Bunty Aur Babli so I can sing Kajra Re all week. It was playing everywhere while I was in India. It's so catchy.

Well, I think I've written enough for now. Perhaps I shall write again in another month.

enough said...

1 John 4:7-8
7Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Sweet

I don't wanna know your name
Cause you don't look the same
The way you did before
OK you think you got a pretty face
But the rest of you is out of place
You looked all right before

Fox on the run
You screamed and everybody comes a-running
Take a run and hide yourself away
Fox on the run
F-foxy, foxy on the run and hideaway

You-you talk about just every band
But the names you drop are second hand
I've heard it all before
I don't wanna know your name
Cause you don't look the same
The way you did before
(repeat chorus)

Yeah, Varanassi!!!

I was lying in bed remembering my time in Varanassi with Josh and Elissa and I had to post once again. On our last night there, we went to this weird festival thing at the main ghat. During the Hindu celebration, I had this urge to praise God, so I started to do that. I got so wrapped up in worship that I really stopped paying attention to my surroundings. When I finally came to, I noticed that some people in the crowd were glaring at me. I thought that was rather interesting until I saw a lot of people glaring. It was not a nice glare, it was actually REALLY mean. I kinda felt attacked spiritually so I turned around to leave and ran smack into a Kali shrine (just so you know, Kali is a mean, vengeful, blood thirsty Goddess. She has a bright red face, crazy black hair and the ickiest grin on her face). I sorta got freaked out and asked if we could leave. We ended up catching a bicycle rickshaw home. It was great. The breeze was so fresh (oddly enough) and cool. After our ride, we disembarked and I'll never forget what happened. As Elissa got off she lost her balance and fell into the biggest, wettest pile of cow poo. It had to have been at least up to her ankles. We laughed SO hard we cried.

My Wish List

Ok, I know it's WAY too early and probably very juvenile, but I have decided to write out my Christmas wish list. Now, these are ONLY suggestions, but I would love a person so much more if they gave me what's on my list. Please, I will love you FOREVER!!

Things I want...
1) An MP3 player, preferably an ipod. The cd player I have is ghetto and it's huge. I lug it with me everywhere and I can never put it in my purse. It's also terrible. It always skips and sometimes it won't even play. This is very inconvenient when you really want to ignore the freaky guy on the bus. Also, it sucks up batteries and that's wasting valuable money.

2) A spa day. Yes, I want my nails done, a full body message, a facial etc... all things luxurious. Oh, maybe even a spray on tan (yes Rachet, you've convinced me cancer boxes are evil). I also wouldn't mind a new hair cut, maybe some highlights and a makeover.

3) A vacation. I want to go away some place warm and tropical. I don't care, as long as it's near the equator and I can have fruity drinks with little umbrellas. Yeah, I know that's a bit much, but hey.... you never know who reads this blog.

4)Nick Carter... ha ha ha... just kidding. Thought I'd put that in for old times sake. Seriously now... no one likes a chubb.... and well, neither do I.

5)A new computer. Now this is uber pricey so I would definitely contribute. Actually I would rather an upgrade. I don't know if that's possible on this hunk of junk, but it's definitely worth looking into.

6) Boots. Yes, many, many pairs of boots. I need a pair of tall black ones and of course, if you got black you gotta have brown. All very important for fashionable young ladies. Ok, and maybe some sneakers, preferably a pair of black Adidas which I saw at Brown's and a pair of sweet Puma's I saw yesterday at the Dufferin Mall.

7) And finally, some new house furnishings for my new digs. Ann Marie and I aren't sure what we need just yet, so I might have to adjust this list once I move in. I think we need a table and an island for our kitchen. Ikea time!

So that's it thus far. I just realized that's quite a bit and when added up is expensive. Indeed, it is. It's not my fault God blessed me with expensive tastes and desires. I know what you're thinking, "this is not the reason for the season". YES, I know that!! You people ruin all the fun :(

We likey

My new jacket. We likey :)

now that's some hunky Jane Austen

Went to see Pride and Prejudice tonight. It was terrible. I knew it would be. Kiera Knightley was not convincing enough as Elizabeth Bennett. They made her appear like she actually liked Darcy when in reality she loathed him. And Matthew MacFadyen sounded way too robotic to be a brewding Mr. Darcy. Not only that, they made him mope about the entire film. I know this is shallow but, my goodness he's cute. That's one thing they got right.

Conclusion: Nothing will ever claim my love for Jane Austen like the BBC. God bless those Brits!

I can't dither

I have worked so hard to forgive. Sometimes, I can't believe how willing I am to forgive someone and actually forget about their wrong doing. When you forgive does it mean that you completely forget? No... it doesn't. You always remember what they did but you forgive, knowing that God will give you love for this person. You move on knowing that you have forgiven them because you never want to be bound by chains that can make you bitter, hateful and disobedient. You move on because you have faith God will change this person's heart and one day, maybe, they'll come to their senses and see their wrong doing. You move on because you can't hold a grudge, it just takes too much effort.

Tonight, like many other nights, I made an effort to befriend someone that hurt me terribly. It didn't work. I have forgiven this person, let's call them JP, but the pain they caused me still lingers. Tonight I spoke with JP and it just blew up in my face. It took one word, just a name to bring back all my hurt. It made me break. I want our friendship to be mended but I don't think it can be. I don't think I'll ever see this person the same way I used to.

The unfortunate thing is, this isn't just happening with one person. It's happening with a lot of people. I'm realizing more and more there are only a select few that I can call my friend. The rest, I just can't trust. I've been dealing with this issue for months now. How do you love someone, sincerely, but then be cautious around them? How can you be real with someone who has hurt you over and over again without not talking to them or holding a grudge? I can't do both. I can't see one person and pretend that I care deeply for them when in fact I emotionally and spiritually fear them. I can't straddle the two.