"If it's not baroque don't fix it"

Today I have been working on my media assignment for my Canadian Development course and I have been listening to Bach all day. Gosh, he is so amazing. I can't believe someone could create such beauty with music. My favourite is his Italian Concerto and Brandenburg Concerto #3. I have the sheet music for the Italian Concerto and have been playing it on the keyboard in our sunroom. I will never play the third movement quick enough (presto, as fast as possible), but nonetheless, it's stress relieving and fun to try :)

Back to work,
Johanna

Foolish Games

I really don't understand men who say they don't like you and then act like they do. It makes no sense. At first it can be incredibly frustrating and very hurtful but as time goes on, and after you've gotten over things, it just becomes quite amusing. I'm finding that you begin to notice little things they do and say (ie: their lame attempts at flirting). I'm getting so good at it, I can actually predict what will happen with me and particular people. In many ways, I find this to be so empowering. Ha! I used to ponder why men would act so contrary. Perhaps they are just afraid of telling me their true feelings. Maybe they like me but they don't know how much. Or maybe they are intimidated by me in some way? Perhaps they only feel physical attraction and nothing more. Maybe I should read "He's Just Not That Into You"? Hmmm.... Who knows why men do the things they do? In light of my current situation, who cares! I'm having WAY too much fun.

I suppose playing the game is really quite manipulative, but at times, why should I not partake if the other peron is begging for me to play? Why not indulge a little bit. On my end I know its meaningless. I'm not serious. So go ahead, play your game, I'll just sit back and laugh at what unfolds.

keep your fingers crossed...

I just applied to work at the UN. Let's hope I actually get an interview. Even if I don't get hired, just to get an interview would make me so thrilled. I'm excited. Woo hoo.

Praying like a mad person,
Johanna

P.S. Any petition to God for a UN job made on my behalf would be most welcome. Many thanks :)

If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all

You know what is really bothersome? When someone criticizes you in front of other people. I know there's always that same old explanation: "people put other people down because they aren't confident in themselves", but is that really true? Maybe these "put downers" are just jerks. Why do low self-esteem issues validate or explain poor behavior? I mean, if a guy felt he needed validation and slept with random girls, would we be rationalizing his behaviour? Probably not. I know the Christian thing to do is to be gracious, but when the same thing occurs over and over again, I have to admit, my patience is tested. In the end, I just feel guilted into being compassionate to these people, when in my view, their behavior is completely unacceptable.

These public put downs have been happening a lot lately and I think the next time someone criticizes me in public, I'm going to say something right then and there as a response. Seriously, I'm not all into conflict and confrontation, but sometimes putting someone in their place is a good way of clearing the air, especially if it's in front of others. I also wonder why, when someone does put you down, no one ever says anything. I'm sure some people are completely oblvious and others, I know, take notice. I have been guilty of picking up on a put down and not saying anything in another's defence. If we ever happen to hang out and someone puts you down and I notice it, I will promise to say something. I hope you would do the same for me. As for you "put-downers", watch it, I'm not letting you get away with it anymore.

Almost Done....sorta

I have one more day left of my "Major Exam and Assignment Hell Week". Last night I finished a huge section of a ridiculously huge assignment, which means that my group is almost done. Thank God!! It's due tomorrow, which is the same day that I have a final. Did I also mention that I have a final tonight as well. It's worth 40% of my mark. Anyone wanna write a test on gender, HIV/AIDS and good governance? Come on, you know wanna...

Anywho, I can't wait until the weekend. I have a wedding to go to on Saturday (yay Meredith and Jarod) and then on Sunday I have planned a whole day of total relaxation. Next week looks pretty busy though. I have applications to do for internships, I have to phone the Dominican Republic, I have to call some law firms and International Law NGOs and sign up to do the LSAT. That's right, I have finally decided that I have enough guts to write the LSAT. It's just five weeks away on June 12. I have about a month to study. I think I can manage it. I hope so anyway, some people have studied for this test for three months!! Uh oh...I best get going, I have lots of work to do.

Take that Mr. TTC, you said I couldn't do it but I did.

I'm exhausted. Today I woke up at 7:30am to get to school early to review for a test at 10am. I had class for three hours, including my ridiculous test on procurement, spent four hours doing a proposal for CIDA, went to class for another three hours, spent another four hours working on CIDA proposal and finally just got home. My eyes are killing me from having my contacts in all day and looking at various computer screens.

"Why are you blogging?" you ask.

I got a huge assignement back today, worth 40% of my overall mark. I kicked some serious ass and got 100%. HA!

I'm a frickin beast (who can set up an agricultural project in Mozambique)

A happy state

I haven't posted lately. I think my blogging days are coming to an end. That is unless I decide to catch the travel bug and take off for some foreign, exotic and war-torn location. That would definitely give me something to write about. Hopefully that will happen in the near future, maybe as soon as July or August. But for now, I am quite satisfied with life as it is. I'm content with the idea of school and working on my life and career. I am enjoying this time of self discovery and spiritual revelation. God is good, so wonderfully good. To Him be all the glory.

Is love a fancy, or a feeling? No.
It is immortal as immaculate Truth,
'Tis not a blossom shed as soon as youth,
Drops from the stem of life--for it will grow,
In barren regions, where no waters flow,
Nor rays of promise cheats the pensive gloom.
A darkling fire, faint hovering o'er a tomb,
That but itself and darkness nought doth show,
It is my love's being yet it cannot die,
Nor will it change, though all be changed beside;
Though fairest beauty be no longer fair,
Though vows be false, and faith itself deny,
Though sharp enjoyment be a suicide,
And hope a spectre in a ruin bare.

Colin Powell and Cheese cake

Colin Powell is coming to Roy Thompson Hall on Wednesday to talk about Canadian American relations. The guest speaker (isn't Colin Powell enough?) is Frank McKenna, the Canadian ambassador to the US. It costs a minimum of $245/ticket! That's the most ridiculous price for tickets I've ever seen, especially for a political discussion. Although I would buy one for myself and a friend, I think paying rent is far more important. Besides, even if tickets were reasonably priced, I'm hosting a med school party at my house for a friend on the same night. I'm making him raspberry cheesecake. Mmmm...

My reading week is over. I could have accomplished so much, but instead I lounged and watched the Olympics. I have two tests when I get back on Tuesday and for some odd reason I am not worried. I feel uncomfortable with my lack of anxiety. Usually this is what motivates me to study and to do well. Lately, I seem to have developed a very apathetic attitude towards school. I'm at a loss to explain it. I'm getting tired of "doing", of being productive. I'm constantly being pushed by the world to do do do do. It's endless: devotional time, prayer, research, essays, proposals, readings, tests, resume writing, job applications, volunteer applications, networking, the LSAT, law school, graduate school applications, social excursions, family commitments, reformating my computer, calling the embassy in Mozambique, internships etc.... the list goes on and on. After awhile I get lost in tasks. When I finally have a moments peace, I just want to sleep and relax. But even after all my justification and rationalizing, I have tremendous guilt. I'm worried that nothing will ever motivate me. At the beginning of 1st term I was so enthusiastic. Every time I sat in class I could feel God's spirit all over me, pushing me, exciting me, driving me to learn. Now I feel dismay. I don't know what to do or how to fix this.

it's becoming a bit much

I am offended by the things people say to me; by the words they speak into my life. Who told you that? Was it really God or did you just feel haughty and speak impetuously? I’m so tired of people speaking words into my life before God does. I am so sick of having to hear that I am one way and not another from someone else who is not my Father. If God knows me better than I know myself, what makes you assume you can point the finger and tell me who I am? What makes you feel so self-righteous? What arrogance! Shouldn't you ask the Lord what He thinks of your words before you speak them? Do you ever consider, even if you are correct in your judgement, that perhaps you should not utter it? Do you think that all knowledge is from God for you to speak?

Furthermore, I am so sick of this bullshit about alternative lifestyles. I quote: “We only eat whole grain bread”, “we don’t eat white flour”, we don’t bank at this institution”, “we only drink fair trade coffee”, “I don't watch tv”, "my children have to use clothe diapers", I make my own organic baby food", “my vitamins absorb quicker than yours”, "I only use non-toxic products”, “Did you know that no matter how much spinach you eat, if it’s not organic, you’re not really getting any nutrients”, "You shouldn't drink pop, it's bad for you", "red meat is unhealthy", "I eat meat, but only if it's organic". Argh!!!!! Who cares!

I am constantly under a microscope; always being inspected, always being watched. I can’t breathe without commentary. I am trapped by this constant nagging. This never ending expectation. It’s strangling me.

There is nothing either good or bad; but thinking makes it so.- Hamlet, II, ii, 259

An ode to Luke and Ann Marie

Ahh... I love my friends. They are the bestest :)

Tonight after church I was in a foul mood. I felt so disconnected and yucky. I can't explain it. Blah.

As I was leaving to go to the subway (actually, I was in quite a hasty rush) Ann Marie ran after me. "I'm not letting you go home alone" she said. So I decided to go out to Lone Star with her and Luke for some free food (compliments of Luke's dad's coupons). We ordered 1lb of fajitas and a nice shrimp appetizer. I'm stuffed.

The food was delicious, but the company was even better, which cheered me up almost instantly. YAY!! Now I am very happy. I laughed all the way home on the bus as Luke did impressions of Sean Connery in French, German and Spanish. It's hard to believe that's possible but he pulled it off so convincingly.

God is so good to me.

Take me away with you

My week of horribleness is almost over. I have one more test left to write, which is a finance test tomorrow. Tonight I wrote another test in issues in international development. I think it went well. I had this long (very whispery) conversation with my prof during the test about Christianity and what church I go to. It was so cool. I love how some of my profs are Christians. It puts things into perspective for me and makes me realize that God's people are working everywhere.

On the way home from school I got into a very intense discussion with two of my classmates about development and how in reality it is really a pointless field that changes nothing. Basically the world is full of greed and ego-centricity and that at the end of the day if we had a choice of choosing between someone else and ourselves, truth be told, we would choose ourselves. I'm not sure if I subscribe to this belief. I feel it is rather cynical. I really didn't know what to say about this and so for the first time in quite awhile, I didn't speak. I began to seriously question what I would do if I had to choose. I am preoccupied with so many things: law school applications, LSATs, MA programs, money, my hair, boys, my life; in a way, I am no different than the people being described by my classmates. Here I am consumed with self, having selfish motives and being viewed by some as being selfless. I would hope that I would choose someone else, like Christ did. That I would give of myself so completely that my own life would not matter. I feel I am not at that point yet and it is something I definitely want to aim for. When I think about working overseas I worry about being injured, being threatened and even being killed. In the long run, these things should not matter to me, especially if this is what God is calling me to do with my life. I need to put my flesh aside and let God take me away, let Him take control.

That is so hard.

Words: the power to heal or hurt, to bring life or death

Your seeds blow into my garden, friend,
and nestle among my flowers
in the soft sweet soil of my garden plot
they wait for the sun and the showers
whatever you grow in your garden, friend,
of beauty or ugly weed
the fall will come and the wind will blow
and over will come your seed.

Your words blow into my life, my friend,
whether of good or ill.
your thoughts fly over like ships of love
or daggers that pierce and kill.
your smiles blow into my heart, dear friend,
and neighbour across the way
they blow and blossom in buds of love,
a blessing to life all day.

frustrated and distracted

Have you ever wanted something so badly that just the thought of it drives you crazy? I tell you, I am going INSANE! Wanting what you can't have can be very taxing on one's nerves. It's also very distracting when you have class pertaining to important Visa permit information and NGO registration.

Argh...

When God tells you something, listen.
After he's finished, be obedient.
Trust me, it will save you so much grief.
Also, if you fall; don't be too hard on yourself.
God's grace is sufficient

Politics, politics, politics

I have discovered that I truly am a political science gal. I thought I was all about history, but now I am realizing political science makes me so happy. Just the mere mentioning of something political grabs my interest. So much so that I must interrupt and state my opinion. Sorry, sometimes I just can't hold back. Yesterday I got to chat about the results of the Cdn. election with a friend. We moved from Conservative radicalism, to Cdn. foreign policy, to US foreign policy, to Israel and the 6 Day War, and fianlly settled on Iran and nuclear policy. It was a rather lengthy conversation as it took place over Messenger. I so enjoyed it. I think political discussion is becoming a lot easier for me as I am not as emotional. I used to get upset when someone would disagree, especially if it was regarding the effectiveness of the UN or about the uses of the WTO, WB or IMF. Now I have a better grasp on my emotions (or rather my temper) and accept defeat if I must. I'm hoping my concessions are becoming less in number as I get better and more informed. I should have joined the debating team at Hart House when I was at UofT. I could have kicked ass.

Speaking of kicking ass, did anyone hear about the election results in Palestine? Hamas won!! Not that I am supporting a party which has underground Muslim radicals and a secret militant wing (although not really secret), I just think it will cause a lot of turmoil for the US. I'm not anti-US, but certainly interested in learning their new strategy in the Middle East. It would be so contradictory for the US to talk about democracy for all while attempting to remove a democratically elected government. Mind you, that wouldn't surprise me. I could really rant about that.

Despite my renewed interest in poli-sci, I still adore history. Today, Lavle lent me a book on the rise of western civilization. I was so excited when Ann Marie handed it to me that I started to read through the table of contents aloud. She was so interested in it, she asked to read it after I'm done. Not only will this apartment be a place full of God's grace and love(yes, that sounds incredibly lame, but alas, it's true), it will be full of smarty pants girls who know history and politics.

Woo hoo!

Gray hairs and miscellaneous

I'm at school and I just went to the bathroom and as I was washing my hands, I noticed something in my hair. It appeared to be a very shiny light blond strand of hair. It was gleeming in the light. As I looked closer to inspect the lovely strand I noticed it was no longer blond. It was white. I can't believe I have a gray hair! I promptly plucked it out. I hope that saying about two more gray hairs growing back in is not true. This may sound lame but I feel so old. I'm only 24 and I'm getting gray hair!!! The next thing to expect is baldness. Oh Lord help me!

On to better news. I got a laptop yesterday. It's "pretty". I love it. I bought a rip-off of a warranty, which I have decided to return. I've also decided I'm going to spend all my free time in cafes and coffee shops writing essays and journalling. I can't wait. I also get to watch DVDs on it, which makes me happy. (yay!!) I'm also getting internet service tomorrow. The Rogers guy is coming at 8am. Yes, it's early but it was the only time for him to come. I guess I best be up and ready. I'm so glad to be getting the internet. I can finally connect with the real world. Not having email and the web has been really hard on me, especially considering I use them so much for school. It feels as though I haven't actually started yet.

So... school really begins tomorrow.

Right now I'm at Minaker's house. I'm using the net cuz I don't have it at home. Lavle is here with me, which makes this post most fun. I love Lavle. (Ha ha SUCKAS, too bad you can't be here to enjoy him.) I also made salsa dip tonight. Unfortuantely I was unable to go to Value Village to get a serving plate for it. I had to use one of Luke's plates instead. The dip was quite yummy though. We ate it all in less than twenty minutes. Lucky for Ann Marie I saved her some. Soooo good.

After LR we ended up watching Firefly. It's this television show that got cancelled after only one season. I don't know why. It's quite good. THe main character always gets seriously injured in every show. I like it cuz at least there is some action albeit unrealistic.

Anywho, tonight I actually blushed for the first time in months. It usually takes a lot to make me blush. I have to say, I never thought Luke could pull it off. Oh Lukie, you're a quick one.

tee hee