Good quote

"Regretful pasts and worried futures make for absent lives. Live now or never live."

Ah, the joys of procrastination

I have work to do
I was supposed to do it last night
I was pleasantly distracted

tee hee

A lengthy post

OK, so I have been incredibly distracted lately. It's like I get focused on one thing and I can't seem to see past it. Today, I received an email from my aunt who wants me to connect with this guy working in Bali. She gave me his blog address and so I decided to check it out. Man, it was AWESOME!! It reminded me of what I want to do with my life and to get off my ass and stop wasting my time. I just realized how much potential I have (props to Meredith). I must take action and I must do it NOW! It makes me angry to think that I wasted precious time thinking and analyzing situations or relationships that just don't matter. Seriously, in light of God's plans for my life all the little worries of the present are so irrelevant and it makes me frustrated with myself that I have been consumed with self-deprecating thought. Grr...

In light of that revelation, I picked myself up and started to do some work. First, I ended up having a wicked-ass phone conversation with a family friend who I recently discovered works at CIDA. I get to tell her what I want to do and she'll tell me if it's possible (wee). I mean, who knew I actually would develop a connection with some big-wig at CIDA? After that I made the long trek out to Etobicoke to Humber to print off all the things I need for IJM and the Centre for Social Justice. I have so much crap to do and like usual, it's all due at the same time. Hmm... this feels oddly familiar.

I've been at Humber now for several hours reading all the IJM documentation. I have a complete budget of their entire project in Bolivia. It's so detailed that I have all the financial info for this organization down to their laundry expenses. This is nuts! I cannot believe I am looking at documents like this. Well I can, I just didn't expect it to be so soon after finishing school. Um yeah, let's hope no one from IJM Canada figures out that I have no idea what I am doing.

Also, I became an expert at looking up international legal documents pertaining to Indigenous rights. I thought this would be incredibly boring but I have to admit, this is REALLY interesting. Canadian Aboriginals have been terribly mistreated in this country and it makes me angry that our government has done so little to address their current situation. The whole thing is appalling. I feel a rant coming on...

Why would the nation of Canada, the Canadian government; a western power and proponent of multilateralism and international law; a supporter of the rights and principles enshrined in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, the Covenant on Civil and Political Rights, and the Covenant on the Rights of the Child; and a constant outspoken advocate of international justice and humanitarianism, be so against the fair treatment of their own citizens? These people, people that are loved by OUR God, people who have the right to dignity and equality have been neglected and are forced to live in poverty and isolation. This pisses me off! This is why I should be a lawyer. To help make laws that are needed and force countries to be accountable for the treaties and conventions they sign. No wonder people think international law is a joke. Countries NEVER adhere to their commitments. Just look at Kyoto. Now I know what Stephen Lewis means when he talks about HIV/AIDS in Africa and the MDGs. Apathy is abhorrent.

That is all… for now

Here kitty kitty

I might be kitten sitting for four days. Just think: two beautiful little muffins running around my house and tearing up my couch, wreaking havoc on everything I hold dear. I can't wait! Anyone wanna come over and see the little boos? You know you wanna...

I need a break

I haven't written here in a long while. I feel I have nothing pertinent to say anymore. For the last two weeks I have socialized a lot, which I have thoroughly enjoyed, but I find that it has been too much for me to handle. I love people but I desire space for me and my over-analysis. Yes, general thinking time is what I need otherwise I will no longer be able to carry on normal conversation.

A glorious night

I walked home tonight in my bare feet in the pouring rain. The puddles were lovely and cool. My whole walk was so enjoyable and refreshing. I love rain. It's so clean.

School is finally over. I did my last test today and I think I could have done better. Actually, it was probably really bad but I don't care, I'm glad it's done. It was out of 100 with 30 multiple choice questions each worth 3 marks (retarded if you ask me) and then an essay question on the UN Social Summit in Copenhagen. Anywho, I bullshitted a lot and made a few guesses. But, there was a lot on the test that I knew, which of course made me happy b/c I really didn't study very much last night. So, I rock for knowing a lot of UN information and odd Cdn. historical facts. Actually, I think the prof wrote a question wrong. He said that the UN was created by Roosevelt and Churchill, but it was really created by Woodrow Wilson after WWI with the creation of the League of Nations. Anyways, that's not the point. The point is that school is done and I can now have a real life.

To make my life even better than it is at this moment, I got offered a job today from a friend who is working for Stephane Dion (former enviro. minister) who is running in the Liberal leadership race. Apparently I would be typing some random party information into a database (boring) but I would get a lovely reference letter from the potential "Official Leader of the Opposition." Hmm... I don't know? I'm thinking it be a lot of fun plus I would get about $100/day. Right now I have the option of going to a cottage, working or hanging out in Toronto for Canada Day weekend. I can't decide. Someone needs to point me in the right direction.

Update on peacekeeping job

Yeah, so I didn't get shortlisted for the peacekeeping job in Ottawa. Actually, I never even got an email confirmation telling me they received my resume. Ah well. Another girl in my class applied too and has an interview. That's what I heard, but it was a tid bit of gossip, so who knows if it's true. True or not, I am glad one of us got an interview. At least it tells me that people from my course can have a chance at a real job. Ok, to avoid lying through my teeth, I will say that I am disappointed and feel rather crummy that this girl got an interview instead of me. But I never really felt I had a strong chance of getting the job. I just wanted to apply for something and follow through. For some reason, I am not dismayed but am at peace. Weird. God has a plan for my life, plans for me to prosper, to give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). I trust that. Perhaps that job wouldn't have suited me. For whatever reason, it's not mine and Jesus is in control. Thank goodness.

School is almost done. THANK GOD!! I have one minor assignment to do and then a test next Tuesday. I am so thankful things are coming to a close as I want to get on with my life. I am sick of school and just getting a job would make me happy. Well, not just any job, but a job in development. I have some leads, which I discovered last Saturday at a conference on justice. Exciting! In September I might potentially be in Cambodia or maybe I'll be in California doing some work for an amazing mission organization. Who knows? I certainly don't. We'll see where God places me.

"It's not right, but it's okay": an ode to Rachet

Today I hung out with an old friend, Rachel. She is home for a week from the Dominican Republic and I am so glad that she spared a little time to talk with me. There is so much about Rachel that I love and admire. She stayed back in Barrie for three years to wait for God's direction while all of her friends went away to university and college. She worked at Walmart for 7 years to save enough money to go to the DR and since living there for over a year she has perservered in her goals. She has remained firm in her commitment to those in her little village and her employees at the art co-op despite being attacked twice and living with the abject poor. Our chat today was such a good reminder of who I want to be. It's nice to be around someone who really knows you and all your history. Despite my faults and silly choices, I am still striving for the things I once did and I'm so thankful that Rachel sees it.

Ah Rachet, how I will miss you when you go back to the DR. We have so many memories together. Like the time we went to Jess Sharpe's cottage in Amanada Catheline's car and someone spilt pop on her stereo and we couldn't turn Abba off. Or the many times when we used to drive around in my truck laughing about Whitney Houston songs. Or perhaps our longstanding feud over Rudy Westernang (oh my). The memoires are endless and I cherish every one.

I have a feeling this is going to be a hard summer. So much is happening that I don't know where to begin. I wish I could express myself here with blatant honesty, but I cannot bring myself to do it. All I can say, is that I am at point where I must face such great pain in order to move on in my spiritual life. This entails doing things that I do not want to do. It entails having my skin stripped off of me so that the new being underneath will come forth and shine. I so want this, but am uncertain how to be broken. I look at this time with joy as I am making large steps forward, but am full of sorrow as I know the journey ahead will be difficult. I can hardly think of it without crying. I want to do this on my own, but I know that I cannot. Jesus will have to carry me. We will do this together, with the knowledge that the end result will be ultimate freedom and peace. I await my reward with anticipation.

Pissy, tired and overly critical

I have spent all night working on my cover letter for a peacekeeping job. I got home from church at 8:30 and have been working on this stupid document until now (1:30am). I am exhausted and so frustrated. I finally managed to get something out that I deemed acceptable and sent it to a friend to look over only to discover that everything I had written (well, not everything, I'm being rather dramatic) was not very good. I felt so upset I wanted to burst into tears. So, after discussing ( and mostly analyzing ) what my friend said, I decided to go back and really edit my cover letter. But now, I am so tired that I can hardly think and all I want to do is go to bed. I feel so disappointed b/c I so wanted to finish this. I must be over-thinking things because it shouldn't take 5 bloody hours to write a blasted four paragraph one page coverletter!!! Grrrr....

I just realized I really want this job. It's a "special project manager' position, which has AMAZING pay, kickass benefits, frequent international travel, and is an awesome opportunity to gain first hand management experience. It's in Ottawa too (props to Ian and Mags). Long sigh... I don't know. Maybe I should just throw in the towel and sleep on it. I'll get up early and finish it tomorrow at school. Besides, I don't really need to be in communications class. Besides, I have a good excuse for not going, our teacher is terrible! I don't understand how some people get hired. This woman says "um" like every other word. Isn't that the biggest no no in communication/presentation courses?

Goodnight
Pissy, tired and overly critical,
Johanna

"If it's not baroque don't fix it"

Today I have been working on my media assignment for my Canadian Development course and I have been listening to Bach all day. Gosh, he is so amazing. I can't believe someone could create such beauty with music. My favourite is his Italian Concerto and Brandenburg Concerto #3. I have the sheet music for the Italian Concerto and have been playing it on the keyboard in our sunroom. I will never play the third movement quick enough (presto, as fast as possible), but nonetheless, it's stress relieving and fun to try :)

Back to work,
Johanna

Foolish Games

I really don't understand men who say they don't like you and then act like they do. It makes no sense. At first it can be incredibly frustrating and very hurtful but as time goes on, and after you've gotten over things, it just becomes quite amusing. I'm finding that you begin to notice little things they do and say (ie: their lame attempts at flirting). I'm getting so good at it, I can actually predict what will happen with me and particular people. In many ways, I find this to be so empowering. Ha! I used to ponder why men would act so contrary. Perhaps they are just afraid of telling me their true feelings. Maybe they like me but they don't know how much. Or maybe they are intimidated by me in some way? Perhaps they only feel physical attraction and nothing more. Maybe I should read "He's Just Not That Into You"? Hmmm.... Who knows why men do the things they do? In light of my current situation, who cares! I'm having WAY too much fun.

I suppose playing the game is really quite manipulative, but at times, why should I not partake if the other peron is begging for me to play? Why not indulge a little bit. On my end I know its meaningless. I'm not serious. So go ahead, play your game, I'll just sit back and laugh at what unfolds.

keep your fingers crossed...

I just applied to work at the UN. Let's hope I actually get an interview. Even if I don't get hired, just to get an interview would make me so thrilled. I'm excited. Woo hoo.

Praying like a mad person,
Johanna

P.S. Any petition to God for a UN job made on my behalf would be most welcome. Many thanks :)

If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all

You know what is really bothersome? When someone criticizes you in front of other people. I know there's always that same old explanation: "people put other people down because they aren't confident in themselves", but is that really true? Maybe these "put downers" are just jerks. Why do low self-esteem issues validate or explain poor behavior? I mean, if a guy felt he needed validation and slept with random girls, would we be rationalizing his behaviour? Probably not. I know the Christian thing to do is to be gracious, but when the same thing occurs over and over again, I have to admit, my patience is tested. In the end, I just feel guilted into being compassionate to these people, when in my view, their behavior is completely unacceptable.

These public put downs have been happening a lot lately and I think the next time someone criticizes me in public, I'm going to say something right then and there as a response. Seriously, I'm not all into conflict and confrontation, but sometimes putting someone in their place is a good way of clearing the air, especially if it's in front of others. I also wonder why, when someone does put you down, no one ever says anything. I'm sure some people are completely oblvious and others, I know, take notice. I have been guilty of picking up on a put down and not saying anything in another's defence. If we ever happen to hang out and someone puts you down and I notice it, I will promise to say something. I hope you would do the same for me. As for you "put-downers", watch it, I'm not letting you get away with it anymore.

Almost Done....sorta

I have one more day left of my "Major Exam and Assignment Hell Week". Last night I finished a huge section of a ridiculously huge assignment, which means that my group is almost done. Thank God!! It's due tomorrow, which is the same day that I have a final. Did I also mention that I have a final tonight as well. It's worth 40% of my mark. Anyone wanna write a test on gender, HIV/AIDS and good governance? Come on, you know wanna...

Anywho, I can't wait until the weekend. I have a wedding to go to on Saturday (yay Meredith and Jarod) and then on Sunday I have planned a whole day of total relaxation. Next week looks pretty busy though. I have applications to do for internships, I have to phone the Dominican Republic, I have to call some law firms and International Law NGOs and sign up to do the LSAT. That's right, I have finally decided that I have enough guts to write the LSAT. It's just five weeks away on June 12. I have about a month to study. I think I can manage it. I hope so anyway, some people have studied for this test for three months!! Uh oh...I best get going, I have lots of work to do.

Take that Mr. TTC, you said I couldn't do it but I did.

I'm exhausted. Today I woke up at 7:30am to get to school early to review for a test at 10am. I had class for three hours, including my ridiculous test on procurement, spent four hours doing a proposal for CIDA, went to class for another three hours, spent another four hours working on CIDA proposal and finally just got home. My eyes are killing me from having my contacts in all day and looking at various computer screens.

"Why are you blogging?" you ask.

I got a huge assignement back today, worth 40% of my overall mark. I kicked some serious ass and got 100%. HA!

I'm a frickin beast (who can set up an agricultural project in Mozambique)

A happy state

I haven't posted lately. I think my blogging days are coming to an end. That is unless I decide to catch the travel bug and take off for some foreign, exotic and war-torn location. That would definitely give me something to write about. Hopefully that will happen in the near future, maybe as soon as July or August. But for now, I am quite satisfied with life as it is. I'm content with the idea of school and working on my life and career. I am enjoying this time of self discovery and spiritual revelation. God is good, so wonderfully good. To Him be all the glory.

Is love a fancy, or a feeling? No.
It is immortal as immaculate Truth,
'Tis not a blossom shed as soon as youth,
Drops from the stem of life--for it will grow,
In barren regions, where no waters flow,
Nor rays of promise cheats the pensive gloom.
A darkling fire, faint hovering o'er a tomb,
That but itself and darkness nought doth show,
It is my love's being yet it cannot die,
Nor will it change, though all be changed beside;
Though fairest beauty be no longer fair,
Though vows be false, and faith itself deny,
Though sharp enjoyment be a suicide,
And hope a spectre in a ruin bare.