questions

I just realized I misjudged someone. That's okay. I'm glad I figured things out. I'm glad I can move on. I feel frustrated and if anything I feel really retarded. I thought I wasn't intimidated by this girl but I am now. It was all based on physical appearance, which is so ridiculously shallow I feel ashamed to admit it.

To be honest, I am feeling really crummy about who I am right now. I used to think I was deep; that I was real; that I had inner strength to be blatantly honest, but now, I realize i'm just like "everyone else". I'm fake with people ALL the time! I go back on my word often. I'm two-faced. I rarely follow-through. I make judgements. Who am I? What makes me think I stand out? What makes me so diferent from the next random person? My intellect? People seem to think I'm smart. What if it's a lie? What if I'm not? Maybe I don't know enough. What I'll never know enough about development and international relations? Maybe I'll never know enough about politics or history or economics or the Palestinian/Israeli peace process or IMF strutural adjustment... blah blah

I'm noticing my lack of depth a lot. I talk about surface crap. What depth do I supposedly have? I repeat the same conversations over and over again. Do I have nothing pertinent to say? Someone once told me that being deep was being depressed. If this is so, why am I so depressed and yet feel so shallow?

some thoughts

Understanding the brokeness of humanity is important in maintaing a good friendship. I often overlook the sensitivities of others and underestimate the meaning of my words. I forget that pain can be triggered and evoked by a memory, a smell, a place, a song, a phrase, or a name. The effort made to accommodate for the painful circumstances of a friend should be reciprocal. It is a vital requirement of friendship. Compassion, respect, consideration, empathy, generousity, kindness, patience, sympathy and tolerance are so valuable to me in a friend. How can I expect that from someone without expecting it from myself? I seem to always expect so much from others. Perhaps it is human nature to demand perfection from everyone but not from ourselves.

Enough is enough

I'm so sick of trying to be someone I'm not for someone who will never notice!

Look forward... keep your eyes on the prize.

Well, last night I spent most of my time being unproductive and avoiding working on an assignment. I ended up going over to Ann Marie's house for supper after class. It was so much fun. Being unproductive wouldn't be so appealing if it didn't entail having such a good time. She made lentil soup and biscuits, which were so yummy. She even provided me with fancy French cheese and olives as a snack. Mmm... olives. We could of just eaten those all night and I would have been satisfied.

I got home around 12:30am and decided that I should attepmt to look over my assignment. I have to write up a report on a case study due for my Intro to Development class. If anyone knows anything about Teachers Without Borders, give me a shout. It's due tomorrow and does not entail very much work except for a little motivation on my part to get it done. Being motivated takes so much energy from me. I wish I could just do things by thinking of them. I always seem to be motivated in my mind rather than with my actions (does that make sense?) meh...

Anyways, instead of doing my assignment I spent an hour or so on the net. I know I'll regret not using my time wisely. It feels as though I spend a lot of time doing ridiculous things that have nothing to do with school or with God. I'm constantly on xanga sites and blogs. I need to stop because I think it's becoming addictive. I was looking at Matt and Annie's sites tonight. I have a tendency to feel jealous, maybe even a little depressed. My life has definitely been a lot different than his. So completely different that it's hard to imagine we ever connected. It's amazing remembering who I once connected with and how things have changed. Remembering those times makes me sad yet encourages me to move on to what God has for me.

haphazard rambling indeed

Dearest Chinese Readers,

Thank you for coming to my blog site and reading. I do appreciate your interest. I want to thank you for your many gifts, in particular, the copious amounts of brown rice and green tea. I do not know what to do with it all. It seems that it will most likely be stored in my closet with your other gifts of umbrellas and galoshes.

I will also take your strong advice regarding green tea preparation very seriously. Here is what I have done thus far:

1. Boil water
2. Pour water into cup
3. Prepare tea in bags
4. Put tea bag in water
5. Steep lightly, gingerly, like holding a yoyo
6. Make sure water is indeed green
7. Do not drink whilst cold
8. If cold, put in microwave until warmed
9. Do not share gifts with roomates, strangers, parents, or other friends

I hope this meets to your satisfaction.

Also, I do apologize for my delay in writing to you and for the lack of creativity of this post. I know it's not up to your standards. Perhaps I shall write you a poem or song to make up for my carelessness.

My warmest regards,

haphazard rambling blog administrator

I know I said I wouldn't but I just couldn't hold myself back

Ok... I have to say something because I am SOOOOOO excited. Today I was doing a research assignment for my management of international development class and I found my dream job. Oh my... it is FANTASTIC!!! I can't believe it! This assignment is very boring and so irritating, but now so worth it because I have finally figured out what I want to do with my life(giggling with glee). And what is so cool about this whole thing is that last night I was at TACF and I received prayer for Godly direction about my life. I know my Father is stirring up a passion in me and I cannot wait to see what HE's gonna do. God is AMAZING! He is so faithful to us in answering our prayers and hearing our requests. Props to my Heavenly Father!! (Mena, I am totally feelin ya.

Wooooooo!!!!!! (putting hand up with pointed finger)