I'm single

Yes, you heard me. I'll say it again. I am single and that's okay with me.

I wish I could say I feel like that, but at this moment in time, any sense of empowerement and confidence in my singleness is completely non-existent. Perhaps this is because everyone around me is inflamed with mad passionate love towards their significant others and all I hear about is the enthralling glory of that experience. I want to barf. Seriously, I am sick of hanging out with my sappy friends who only discuss being in love or what "so and so" said yesterday that was wonderfully glorious. Every conversation relates to relationships, dating, sex or marriage plans.

Here's what I mean. The below is only a sample of conversations that I've had this past week. No lie, these are actual responses to my genuine attempts at normal conversation.

Example #1
Me: I'm looking for an overseas job. I applied for one in Haiti and if I got it I would consider myself so lucky!

My friend: Lucky? Speaking of lucky, I'm so lucky to be in love with the most beautiful girl in the world! Isn't she lovely?

Example #2
Me: I am so annoyed! My downstairs neighbour smoking is really getting on my nerves.

My friend: I could never live with someone who smokes, which is why I am so happy to be getting married to "whatsherface", who hates cigarettes just as much as I do.

Example #3
Me: My face is breaking out. I think I'm really stressed with my job, my parents and finding over-seas work.

My friend: Johanna, you should fall in love with your best friend, it's so AMAZING (long sigh)

Example #4
Me: How was your two week trip to Zambia?

My friend: It was amazing, I would have stayed there longer but I came home(starts to raise voice so "Betty Sue Perfection" can overhear) to be with MY GIRL.

Example #5
Me: I'm so glad you're back from Tanzania. I've missed seeing you. Tell me about your trip, I want to hear all the details.

My friend: It was amazing. I dated 6 guys while I was away and "hot'n'sexy Kenyan" is going to be visiting here in a month or so. I can't wait for you to meet him.

See... that is NOT normal. I mean, if I was asking for relationship advice or about relationships in general, then discussing a boyfriend or girlfriend would make sense. But as you can see, I am clearly trying to have normal discussions with people and their responses seem... well, retardedly off topic to the point of ridiculousness!

This whole situation has led me to feel rather guilty. I genuinely want to be happy for my friends and their new found romances. I should be happy, right? These are people I care about who have finally found someone to share life with, isn't that supposed to be great? I should be enthused and pleased but I'm not. If anything, all I'm noticing is their dwindling presence in my life and their growing disinterest in our friendship.

This whole situation is compounded by my mother, who is periodically bringing up the fact that she's almost sixty and doesn't have grandchildren. I find this ironic considering she made a rule for her daughters explicitly stating that there were to be no babies before marriages and no marriages before the age of 25. She also keeps calling me whenever someone I know from Barrie gets engaged. Unfortunately for me, three people in the last week have gotten engaged, which means I have to discuss this in some form or another when I call home. I know this is just some church tidbit my mom is interested in discussing, but I can't help feeling she is subtly pressuring me to find a boyfriend.

At this point in my life, I really feel called by God to be single. This is the time to get to know Him in a more personal and intimate way and really solidify what I think and believe. I need/want to prioritize my spiritual growth, but I feel constantly swayed by what's going on around me. I won't lie, I would like to be in a serious relationship, but I keep having these nagging feelings that this is DEFINITELY not the time for me. Maybe all this talk of relationships is a form of "spiritual warfare" (I hate that terminology) or temptation. Maybe it's me being tested in some odd way. Whatever it is, it's causing me to become more critical and bitter towards my unsingle friends, which can't be good.

The very fact that I am devoting an entire blog entry to this subject urks me even more.

Grr...

odd thought

Since New Year's I've been thinking about honesty. It's odd how I keep so much of myself inside and never tell others exactly what I think and feel. I've often wondered what it would be like to tell the people I love just exactly how they've affected me and influenced my life. I could never tell someone blatantly in person what I think, unless it was someone I completely trusted and there is only a select few people I am comfortable with in order to do that. As for the others, I cannot see myself telling them my true feelings without embarrassment or shame.

As a child, I used to imagine my death (kinda morbid, I know). I would have some sort of weird disease(probably cancer) and in anticipation of my death (and probably to pass the time) I decide to write brutally honest letters to those important people in my life. After dying in a overly dramatic way preceded by speeches and long glances, my family finds a box with all my letters and realizes their task of delivering them. I think it so romantic to find a box of letters after the death of a loved one. It would become like a quest, kinda like in Immortal Beloved. That was a good movie.

I can see it now: ex-boyfriend from high school opening his letter with his children playing in the background. As he reads it, a look of confusion spreads across his face followed by a look of sadness ( if there was a camera it would zoom in on his face and sappy music would begin to play). After realizing how he had changed my life forever (lame) he would look all pensive (music change) and then gradually a smile would slowly appear(he is obviously having some epiphany moment). This smile changes from surprise to contentment. His wife asks how he is and of course he doesn't respond, he just hugs her and together they sit and watch their children play.

Yeah, I'm thinking my letters would not have that affect on people. Knowing me I would say something ridiculous and probably offend them causing them to rip up my letter and curse bitterly. Nah, both scenarios are unlikely.

Realistically: ex-boyfriend opens letter as his children play on their backyard climber. As he reads said letter, a look of confusion spreads across his face followed by a blank expression. He turns to his wife and says, "Did you know Johanna Howes died?". Her retort, "Who's Johanna Howes?"

Anyways, back to the whole point of this post: honesty. I don't want to write letters to my friends and family to cause them to feel sorry for me or to feel glad about our friendship (nor do I want to give them the impression I'm dying). I guess I just want to tell specific people how I feel about them even if I never get up the nerve to actually say it in person. I'll have expressed it in some form and at least they will have to opportunity to know. I imagine this task would be a lengthy one and would entail a lot of effort and time as I would have to locate people, find their addresses etc... Furthermore, I would have to narrow down who I actually want to send letters to. I can't send it to everyone, that would take forever. Who has time for that?

So, if you're one of those people who still read this blog after neglect for almost a month, you might just receive a letter in the next little bit. And just to reassure you, if you get a letter, I am NOT dead.