odd thought

Since New Year's I've been thinking about honesty. It's odd how I keep so much of myself inside and never tell others exactly what I think and feel. I've often wondered what it would be like to tell the people I love just exactly how they've affected me and influenced my life. I could never tell someone blatantly in person what I think, unless it was someone I completely trusted and there is only a select few people I am comfortable with in order to do that. As for the others, I cannot see myself telling them my true feelings without embarrassment or shame.

As a child, I used to imagine my death (kinda morbid, I know). I would have some sort of weird disease(probably cancer) and in anticipation of my death (and probably to pass the time) I decide to write brutally honest letters to those important people in my life. After dying in a overly dramatic way preceded by speeches and long glances, my family finds a box with all my letters and realizes their task of delivering them. I think it so romantic to find a box of letters after the death of a loved one. It would become like a quest, kinda like in Immortal Beloved. That was a good movie.

I can see it now: ex-boyfriend from high school opening his letter with his children playing in the background. As he reads it, a look of confusion spreads across his face followed by a look of sadness ( if there was a camera it would zoom in on his face and sappy music would begin to play). After realizing how he had changed my life forever (lame) he would look all pensive (music change) and then gradually a smile would slowly appear(he is obviously having some epiphany moment). This smile changes from surprise to contentment. His wife asks how he is and of course he doesn't respond, he just hugs her and together they sit and watch their children play.

Yeah, I'm thinking my letters would not have that affect on people. Knowing me I would say something ridiculous and probably offend them causing them to rip up my letter and curse bitterly. Nah, both scenarios are unlikely.

Realistically: ex-boyfriend opens letter as his children play on their backyard climber. As he reads said letter, a look of confusion spreads across his face followed by a blank expression. He turns to his wife and says, "Did you know Johanna Howes died?". Her retort, "Who's Johanna Howes?"

Anyways, back to the whole point of this post: honesty. I don't want to write letters to my friends and family to cause them to feel sorry for me or to feel glad about our friendship (nor do I want to give them the impression I'm dying). I guess I just want to tell specific people how I feel about them even if I never get up the nerve to actually say it in person. I'll have expressed it in some form and at least they will have to opportunity to know. I imagine this task would be a lengthy one and would entail a lot of effort and time as I would have to locate people, find their addresses etc... Furthermore, I would have to narrow down who I actually want to send letters to. I can't send it to everyone, that would take forever. Who has time for that?

So, if you're one of those people who still read this blog after neglect for almost a month, you might just receive a letter in the next little bit. And just to reassure you, if you get a letter, I am NOT dead.