My reading week is over. I could have accomplished so much, but instead I lounged and watched the Olympics. I have two tests when I get back on Tuesday and for some odd reason I am not worried. I feel uncomfortable with my lack of anxiety. Usually this is what motivates me to study and to do well. Lately, I seem to have developed a very apathetic attitude towards school. I'm at a loss to explain it. I'm getting tired of "doing", of being productive. I'm constantly being pushed by the world to do do do do. It's endless: devotional time, prayer, research, essays, proposals, readings, tests, resume writing, job applications, volunteer applications, networking, the LSAT, law school, graduate school applications, social excursions, family commitments, reformating my computer, calling the embassy in Mozambique, internships etc.... the list goes on and on. After awhile I get lost in tasks. When I finally have a moments peace, I just want to sleep and relax. But even after all my justification and rationalizing, I have tremendous guilt. I'm worried that nothing will ever motivate me. At the beginning of 1st term I was so enthusiastic. Every time I sat in class I could feel God's spirit all over me, pushing me, exciting me, driving me to learn. Now I feel dismay. I don't know what to do or how to fix this.

it's becoming a bit much

I am offended by the things people say to me; by the words they speak into my life. Who told you that? Was it really God or did you just feel haughty and speak impetuously? I’m so tired of people speaking words into my life before God does. I am so sick of having to hear that I am one way and not another from someone else who is not my Father. If God knows me better than I know myself, what makes you assume you can point the finger and tell me who I am? What makes you feel so self-righteous? What arrogance! Shouldn't you ask the Lord what He thinks of your words before you speak them? Do you ever consider, even if you are correct in your judgement, that perhaps you should not utter it? Do you think that all knowledge is from God for you to speak?

Furthermore, I am so sick of this bullshit about alternative lifestyles. I quote: “We only eat whole grain bread”, “we don’t eat white flour”, we don’t bank at this institution”, “we only drink fair trade coffee”, “I don't watch tv”, "my children have to use clothe diapers", I make my own organic baby food", “my vitamins absorb quicker than yours”, "I only use non-toxic products”, “Did you know that no matter how much spinach you eat, if it’s not organic, you’re not really getting any nutrients”, "You shouldn't drink pop, it's bad for you", "red meat is unhealthy", "I eat meat, but only if it's organic". Argh!!!!! Who cares!

I am constantly under a microscope; always being inspected, always being watched. I can’t breathe without commentary. I am trapped by this constant nagging. This never ending expectation. It’s strangling me.

There is nothing either good or bad; but thinking makes it so.- Hamlet, II, ii, 259

An ode to Luke and Ann Marie

Ahh... I love my friends. They are the bestest :)

Tonight after church I was in a foul mood. I felt so disconnected and yucky. I can't explain it. Blah.

As I was leaving to go to the subway (actually, I was in quite a hasty rush) Ann Marie ran after me. "I'm not letting you go home alone" she said. So I decided to go out to Lone Star with her and Luke for some free food (compliments of Luke's dad's coupons). We ordered 1lb of fajitas and a nice shrimp appetizer. I'm stuffed.

The food was delicious, but the company was even better, which cheered me up almost instantly. YAY!! Now I am very happy. I laughed all the way home on the bus as Luke did impressions of Sean Connery in French, German and Spanish. It's hard to believe that's possible but he pulled it off so convincingly.

God is so good to me.

Take me away with you

My week of horribleness is almost over. I have one more test left to write, which is a finance test tomorrow. Tonight I wrote another test in issues in international development. I think it went well. I had this long (very whispery) conversation with my prof during the test about Christianity and what church I go to. It was so cool. I love how some of my profs are Christians. It puts things into perspective for me and makes me realize that God's people are working everywhere.

On the way home from school I got into a very intense discussion with two of my classmates about development and how in reality it is really a pointless field that changes nothing. Basically the world is full of greed and ego-centricity and that at the end of the day if we had a choice of choosing between someone else and ourselves, truth be told, we would choose ourselves. I'm not sure if I subscribe to this belief. I feel it is rather cynical. I really didn't know what to say about this and so for the first time in quite awhile, I didn't speak. I began to seriously question what I would do if I had to choose. I am preoccupied with so many things: law school applications, LSATs, MA programs, money, my hair, boys, my life; in a way, I am no different than the people being described by my classmates. Here I am consumed with self, having selfish motives and being viewed by some as being selfless. I would hope that I would choose someone else, like Christ did. That I would give of myself so completely that my own life would not matter. I feel I am not at that point yet and it is something I definitely want to aim for. When I think about working overseas I worry about being injured, being threatened and even being killed. In the long run, these things should not matter to me, especially if this is what God is calling me to do with my life. I need to put my flesh aside and let God take me away, let Him take control.

That is so hard.

Words: the power to heal or hurt, to bring life or death

Your seeds blow into my garden, friend,
and nestle among my flowers
in the soft sweet soil of my garden plot
they wait for the sun and the showers
whatever you grow in your garden, friend,
of beauty or ugly weed
the fall will come and the wind will blow
and over will come your seed.

Your words blow into my life, my friend,
whether of good or ill.
your thoughts fly over like ships of love
or daggers that pierce and kill.
your smiles blow into my heart, dear friend,
and neighbour across the way
they blow and blossom in buds of love,
a blessing to life all day.

frustrated and distracted

Have you ever wanted something so badly that just the thought of it drives you crazy? I tell you, I am going INSANE! Wanting what you can't have can be very taxing on one's nerves. It's also very distracting when you have class pertaining to important Visa permit information and NGO registration.

Argh...

When God tells you something, listen.
After he's finished, be obedient.
Trust me, it will save you so much grief.
Also, if you fall; don't be too hard on yourself.
God's grace is sufficient