Take me away with you

My week of horribleness is almost over. I have one more test left to write, which is a finance test tomorrow. Tonight I wrote another test in issues in international development. I think it went well. I had this long (very whispery) conversation with my prof during the test about Christianity and what church I go to. It was so cool. I love how some of my profs are Christians. It puts things into perspective for me and makes me realize that God's people are working everywhere.

On the way home from school I got into a very intense discussion with two of my classmates about development and how in reality it is really a pointless field that changes nothing. Basically the world is full of greed and ego-centricity and that at the end of the day if we had a choice of choosing between someone else and ourselves, truth be told, we would choose ourselves. I'm not sure if I subscribe to this belief. I feel it is rather cynical. I really didn't know what to say about this and so for the first time in quite awhile, I didn't speak. I began to seriously question what I would do if I had to choose. I am preoccupied with so many things: law school applications, LSATs, MA programs, money, my hair, boys, my life; in a way, I am no different than the people being described by my classmates. Here I am consumed with self, having selfish motives and being viewed by some as being selfless. I would hope that I would choose someone else, like Christ did. That I would give of myself so completely that my own life would not matter. I feel I am not at that point yet and it is something I definitely want to aim for. When I think about working overseas I worry about being injured, being threatened and even being killed. In the long run, these things should not matter to me, especially if this is what God is calling me to do with my life. I need to put my flesh aside and let God take me away, let Him take control.

That is so hard.