There is always enough

To live by these words is frightening.

unhappy

I've had a rough couple of days. Since my last post it appears that every little thing in my life has gone wrong. First, I experienced some horrible cell phone problems: my cell battery wouldn't last more than an hour, my voice mail would not record messages and my cell phone would not ring leading me to miss a succession of important phone calls from friends and family. I was going to get a new cell phone last Thursday, but when I didn't receive my package, I called FIDO. Apparently my phone order had never been inputted into their system thus my new phone had never been ordered. I then discovered that all the information and quotes the first sales person had quoted me were completely incorrect and that I had to undergo the entire process again. I was rather frustrated to say the least.

Then I discovered our oven wasn't working. For some reason it would not turn on which caused me great frustration considering I had just bought a crap load of groceries to make various baking recipes. Then I discovered our microwave was not working. This occurred when I needed to make a quick oatmeal breakfast before working a crazy 8 hour shift at about 7:30am. Of course the phone problems made it rather difficult to call my landlord regarding the stove and a repairman regarding the microwave. This was all compounded by the fact that my family was calling constantly in a worried and angry frenzy to express their distaste for my serious lack of phone etiquette.

Meanwhile, my laptop proceeded to crash suddenly. I assumed I had a virus so I erased ALL my files trying to reformat (probably not the wisest decision). I realized there was a major issue when windows would not reinstall. I took it to get fixed and was told that if there was a hardware problem other than the hard-drive I would have to send it off to HP for a minimal fee of $450. Considering my warranty just finished, I was quite upset by this news. In an attempt to help me, the computer repair guy diagnosed my laptop and found that nothing was indeed wrong with the hard-drive(sp?) and assumed I had just reformatted my computer incorrectly. The diagnostic cost me $45 and to top things off I was late for work. When I got home after working my 7 hour closing shift, I spent 4 hours reformatting my computer, staying up late into the early hours of the morning to reload all my programs and drivers. Upon waking up the next morning my lappy crashed again. I took it back to the computer repair place only to have them discover that the RAM chip I had purchased from them was defective. I was not impressed.

To top this all off, I had a humongous fight with my mom Friday night and have been working non-stop since last Saturday. More accurately, I have been working for over ten days straight. Upon arriving at work tonight all my colleagues, including the two on-duty managers and the owner, asked if I was okay. I must of looked like death because Andrew (the owner) decided to give me the day off tomorrow, which I will use to do laundry, fill out two job applications, clean my room and hang out with my grandmother. I think I might even attend an Al-Anon meeting.

To add to all this stress, I have been having a spiritual crisis as of late where I have been dealing with serious questions about God, His grace and His character. Perhaps I am coming to grips with my skewed and distorted image of God or maybe I am just at a point in my spiritual growth where I am beginning to define what a relationship with God really means. Regardless, this whole experience is exhausting, lonely and terrifying. The only person I feel I can relate to is an ex-boyfriend. I want to call him but I am petrified he'll think I'm emotionally unloading on him. I am also afraid of being that vulnerable with him. Who knows what I'll feel like after we talk (if I ever get enough balls to call him). Secretly (well, not anymore) I am never sure how I feel about him. Some days my emotions regarding our friendship seem clear and stable but other days I am filled with confusion. At times, I blame the loss of our relationship entirely on myself. That whole bit makes me teary.

Emotionally, I am all over the place and I just... I just need someone who will listen to me; someone who will be open to letting me rant and rave about the difficulties I am presently experiencing and then just encourage me. And when I say listen, I mean genuinely listen. I've realized lately that so many people just half-ass listen. They inquire but their inquiry is so shallow and when it comes down to it, their interest is fleeting. The average person will inquire, but only expect a short pat answer, which is usually followed by a quick response or suggestion. If it's a Christian, it's usually some cliched statement or casual suggestion followed by a quick prayer and then their focus returns to their own life. I am beginning to believe the only person who will care for you is yourself because others are so wrapped up in the daily going-ons of their own lives. It's not that I want to lament about the selfishness of humanity or pinpoint the mistakes of others. We're all broken and self-focused. I guess it's just nice when someone truly listens and sincerely empathizes. I admit, I need to work on this too.

Oh, did I also mention I got my rag too? Yeah, I've been overly emotional, extremely PMSy, crampy and pimply (AGAIN!). Damn hormones!

a little bit of this... a little bit of that

So, life has been ho hum as of late. Nothing in particular to note except for a few random events/conversations/happenings, which made me happy.

1)Rob Jefferson
I talked to him last night at church. It was nice because we actually chatted naturally. If any of you know Rob, one of his most hilarious qualities is to make ridiculous claims/statements and attempt to defend them. For example: I mentioned that I wanted to attend the David Suzuki/Stephen Lewis event and he went on this ridiculous rant about how Stephen Lewis was crazy, irrational and an "unsupportable person". I found this rather shocking considering Lewis' reputation, prominence and extensive advocacy work for those suffering from HIV/AIDS. I attempted to point out that perhaps he was referring to Chomsky, but I was rebuffed with a fiery retort of... how should I say this... well, it was basically a barrage of conservative rantings (which probably came from the National Post) about how Lewis was anti-American and clueless in regards to the complex relationship between government and business. I laughed but didn't retaliate (I've gotten used to it by now). We went on to discuss Bush, the upcoming US election, Mulroney (barf), condos, university degrees and whose degree was better (I so obviously win, I went to UofT) and other silly random things. I guess the whole point of this long-drawn out paragraph is to say that I thoroughly enjoy Rob Jefferson. My goodness his weirdness makes me laugh.

2)Val
I absolutely adore Valerie Dovell! So much so that if I was a good looking boy, who played in a band, wore skinny jeans and had crazy hair and scruff, I would chose her to be my wife. Seriously, she is so hilarious and cute. I love the way we chat, her sweet laugh and all the fun and silly things we talk about (mostly work related).

3)Job apps.
I applied to Amnesty International for a post in Eastern Africa. It took me FOREVER! Actually, it took me all night. I pulled an all-nighter to apply to an NGO, an NGO which will probably never respond to my application. I wonder, what's the point of applying for jobs when I know over 80% of my applications will go unnoticed. You're probably wondering how in the world this terrible statistic (one I made up, might I add) would be something to be happy about. It feels good to apply for something. Just the fact that I stuck it out (all frickin 9 hours of it) and applied makes me feel proud. At least I tried and that's what counts.

4)The gym
I joined a gym today. It's called Fitness One and I got a pretty good deal. They offer a wide range of fitness classes and they even provide you with a personal trainer. I think this is pretty snazzy. What I found most interesting is that the person doing my orientation as well as all the staff were male. This is rather odd considering it's an all women fitness club. After mentioning this general observation, the gentleman assisting me became rather uncomfortable and to compensate, began to crack really weird sexist jokes. Does anyone else find it odd that primarily male staff are running a women's fitness centre?

5)Skinny jeans
Today for the first time ever, I tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I must say, I looked hot. What's even more surprising is that I am considering buying a pair. I never dreamed I would ever do such a thing, but they just looked so good. Heather and Petey will be pleasantly surprised.

6)Saving money and avoiding fashion suicide
After trying on several pairs of skinny jeans with cool new shoes and other flashy accessories, I decided to buy them. I went to use my Visa card but my refund from another purchase had not been put back on my card yet and so it was declined (how embarrassing). I proceeded to use my debit card only to have that declined for some unknown reason. Some would say that God was working to stop me from over-zealously spending my money in the typical conspicuous fashion of the average North American. I say, God was really preventing me from buying skinny jeans as it is only a short-lived trend which will be over by the end of 2007.

7)New cell phone
My new cell phone is arriving on Thursday. New technology and thingybobbers make me smile. I will also be pleased to talk on my cell phone for more than an hour without my battery dying. Nokias suck.

8)Lunch
I made a super-duper fantastic lunch for tomorrow. It's gonna be a good one (yum). I also made lunch for Annie. And tomorrow morning I'm making a pancake breakfast. I am SUCH a good roomie.

9)Visitors
I found out Ade is coming to TO on Sunday. Fun fun fun!

10)My appointment
I've had several people inquire about my previous post. To answer your questions...
No, I am not pregnant;
No, I did not get an operation;
No, I did not elope (ah ha ha, I wish);
No, I didn't irreparably burn and scar my face or have defunct palstic surgery (thanx Meg);
No, unfortunately I am not adopted and didn't find my other family. But wouldn't it be cool if I did and they were gloriously and wonderfully rich? All my dreams could come true (choke);
And no, it wasn't a "big" thing except to me.

Rest assured, nothing super significant occurred. I guess I was just trying to describe (as accurately as possible) my emotional state regarding a particular conversation I was going to have. I will not elaborate on here for the sake of privacy, but I will say this: since last week, I have felt much freedom and peace. It has been absolutely wonderful. If you really really want to know, call me and I'll tell you. That being the case, some of you need to get out more.

11)Decreasing amounts of pimples
My face is finally clearing up. For some odd reason during the month of January I experienced a zit explosion. I basically looked like shit for four weeks. Thank goodness it's improving and just in time for Valentine's Day too. It's not that it really matters anyway because I'll be spending V-Day at work and then coming home alone (no, I'm not bitter).

12)Abercrombie
I jokingly asked a gay guy out at work and I think he thinks I'm serious. Since then, he frequently attempts to flirt with me. That makes me laugh.

13) And finally...
English muffins with homemade Jam. Mmm... I'm gonna have one right now :)

That is all.

Nighty night.

dread

I have a very important appointment tomorrow. I've known about it for awhile, but now I can actually feel it coming, feel it in my heart, in my stomach, in the deeps of myself. I can barely breath.

Right now everything is fine. I am okay, but tomorrow, tomorrow I may be totally different. I could be worse. My mind could be a wreck of thoughts. My emotions could be uncontrollable. My pain could be intense. Or I could be better. My senses calmed and my worries relieved. My heart could sore with love and joy.

This terrifies and excites me all at the same time.

Secretly I want to avoid what's coming, no matter what the result but I can't put it off. No matter what happens, I'll have to deal with the consequences of tomorrow. It's inevitable.

So... I'll face it. Feel everything there is to feel and deal with it all straight up.

I don't want to do this but I must. My curiosity is killing me.

How I wish I didn't make that appointment. My regret will be unbearable.

Oh Lord, help me.

Random stupidity

Recently I've had a string of days where I just say the stupidest things to people and then feel utter embarrassment after the fact. If they didn't know me, which usually ends up being the case, I wouldn't be surprised if they thought me rather daft. Sometimes as I am talking, my inner self (in a daily dialogue) realizes the stupidity of what's coming out of my mouth, but is powerless to stop. For example, the other day while working in the back kitchen I noticed one of the kitchen staff cutting up some meat (mmm... beef). I guess he saw my expression of delight and asked if I liked meat. I responded with a strong yes. I wanted to say something further about how I would eat it all the time, but for some reason some horrid remark about constipation came out. I don't know what I was trying to say but the result has been rather unfortunate. Dude hasn't talked to me since Wednesday night and some of the kitchen guys look at me like I have a foot growing out of my head.

This thoughtlessness seems to be happening mostly at work. I'll bring someone to their table and rather than tell them to enjoy their meal, I'll say goodnight and abruptly leave. Or when I have a wait list, instead of calling out the patron names, I'll call out staff names instead. I feel like I'm having a brain fart or something. What's even worse is that sometimes I don't even know what was said. Tonight I was attempting to bring someone from the bar to their table and the person who I was chatting with had the strangest reaction, almost as if I had said something terribly offensive. I felt like I had missed something so I actually asked her if there was a problem and her response was that I was "a weird little person"(what the?).

I've had this type of thing happen before. It only lasted a few days but it caused me some minor embarrassment, particularly in the dating/crushing department. When I was in second year (Rachel, you'll love this story) I had a humongous crush on a boy named Tim Fairgreive(sp?). If anyone from Vic reads this blog, he used to be the manager of the Cat's Eye. Anywho, I was madly in love with Tim and wanted to get his attention. So when I heard he was a member of the International Relations Society, I decided to join. I couldn't possibly attend a meeting alone so I brought along my trusty good guy friend, Steve Haye (crazy tall gangly guy with bright red curly hair). Again, for those from Vic, Steve was the editor-in-chief of the Strand.

As we sit through this boring meeting, Steve concocts a wonderful cunning plan that will allow me to talk to my love interest. As the meeting concludes, Steve would approach Tim and start up a conversation with him and then I would join them. After some brief moments of talking together Steve would then leave and chat with my nemesis, Reem (who also had a crush on Tim) so I could chat with my crush without interruption or distraction.

Everything was going well. In fact, the plan was unfolding perfectly. Steve and I were chatting away with Tim. Of course, he asked why I was attending the meeting as he had not seen me there before and I told him that IR was my major. To make a joke (and to show him how witty I really was (laugh, choke)) I said the real reason I had attended the meeting was because my "hot and handsome" friend, Steve, was attending. To make my joke so much the better, I decided to say, "Oh Steve, you're so dreamy!" Here comes the brain fart. Rather than say Steve, I said Tim and when I realized what I had said, I actually stopped mid-sentence. So, what came out in full was, "Oh Tim". Of course, Steve told all my friends, who for the remainder of the year would yell out in a whimsical manner, "Oh Tim!" whenever I was around.

Anyways, the point of all this nonsense is that I have to get control of my impulsive nature. I've always been rather impetuous. So much so that when I decide to be wise and make a decision, I'll always end up doing the exact opposite in a rash manner (i.e. summer 2006). Maybe I'm setting myself up? Whatever it is, at present, it seems to have caused some minor humiliation and good entertainment for my friends and co-workers. Let's hope it passes soon.