My house smells like asphalt

Someone is doing roadwork nearby and my whole house smells like tar. It's yucky. Oddly enough, the smell of road seems to make me very hungry. I've been eating all day.

So, I haven't posted in awhile. I have lots to say at the moment but can never figure out how to express it all. I always seem to edit the crap out of my posts to make sure there are no grammatical errors or repetitive use of words, but I think for now, I am just going to rant away and you can read if you choose. That was long sentence.

Let's see, where to begin.

I have come to realize that the things I have wanted for so very long are not indeed what I need. Basically I realized that what I was dreading was actually what was best and now that it's occurred I feel some relief. I don't want to say that I am completely relieved because I am not. If anything even though I know things are where they should be I still feel this ache in my heart. I am sad and this time of grief, although for a season, is needed to redirect my priorities, renew my passion, and motivate me to aim for a new level of spiritual maturity.

The last two months have been all about personal growth, particularly this week. Since Sunday I have been on a rollercoaster ride of emotion. It changes moment by moment. At some points I have cried for no reason (I never thought an Excel spreadsheet could stir up such an emotioanl response from me. I'm sure my co-workers think I'm right nuts.) and then at other times I have felt so confident; more confident than I have ever felt before. I don't know how to reconcile such trying mood swings. My tendency is to analyse why this is happening, but instead I am choosing to go with the flow, letting my emotions come and go realizing that they are not negative or positive. I may be happy or sad, but no matter how I feel it does not change the truth of my life or who I am. Knowing that has made life more bearable and if anything, has been a great comfort.

One of the most validating experiences this week has been my appointment with Rupen, the program director of IPMP at Humber. I went in to discuss procurement manuals (oh ah) and we had an indepth discussion about my two field placements. As I talked he just sat and listened(thank goodness he has a MA in psychiatry). To my surprise, I was quite upset. So upset that I could barely discuss it without getting teary. Finally after I finished, he looked at me and with so much sincerety pointed out that I had every reason to feel frustrated. I was shocked. Maybe it was because it came from someone I strongly respect and admire or perhap it was because it was coming from an adult who really understood what I was feeling, but when he uttered those few words I felt a weight lift from my shoulders. Validation can mean so much. For the first time in weeks I felt hope. It was exhilerating!

This new feeling of hope has really given me new perspective. I need to make drastic changes to my life, which in my view are not going to be easy. Yeah, I could lament about how I will be humbled and blah blah blah but what does that accomplish? Yes, it's going to be hard and it's going to be difficult. It's supposed to be that way. No one said it would be easy. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy. Yes, that's a tacky cliched statement but it's true. If I want my life to be different, I have to make different choices. There is no easy way around it. But I'd rather have the knowledge that the road ahead is bumpy then not venture on it at all.

This desire to make drastic changes has been coming for awhile. So with this in mind I have made some positive steps. I bought an LSAT prep book. Yes I have said it before, but this time I actually mean it. I am going to write the LSAT. I have booked my test for December 2nd so it IS going to happen (unless I'm dead or in some foreign land). I just spent $118 of my precious money to take a 5 hour test which may or may not determine my ability to apply to law school. Buying the book really confirmed a lot for me as I have wanted to go to lawschool for the last three years. I applied to do my MA because I thought it would look good on my CV and then I went to Humber instead because I thought I needed practical experience. But all along, I wanted to go to lawschool. I was just afraid to take a step out and attempt to pursue that goal. I want this and I am going to do it. There is no such thing as trying. You either do it or you don't and the result is either success or failure. If you fail, pick yourself up and do it again and again until you succeed (or until another opportunity comes along or you just get tired). The best part about knowing God is that I never fail. I only keep retaking the test again until I pass.

God is definitely good to me. Although life as of late has been rough, I feel His peace, which I consider a fruitful development. I am surrounded by chaos and confusion, but I can still see my Father's face. This is something new to me, but it's a wonderful feeling. I don't want to lose it. If that means I will forever be uncertain about my future and how life will unfold, that's alright. This is the best place I've been yet.