unhappy

I've had a rough couple of days. Since my last post it appears that every little thing in my life has gone wrong. First, I experienced some horrible cell phone problems: my cell battery wouldn't last more than an hour, my voice mail would not record messages and my cell phone would not ring leading me to miss a succession of important phone calls from friends and family. I was going to get a new cell phone last Thursday, but when I didn't receive my package, I called FIDO. Apparently my phone order had never been inputted into their system thus my new phone had never been ordered. I then discovered that all the information and quotes the first sales person had quoted me were completely incorrect and that I had to undergo the entire process again. I was rather frustrated to say the least.

Then I discovered our oven wasn't working. For some reason it would not turn on which caused me great frustration considering I had just bought a crap load of groceries to make various baking recipes. Then I discovered our microwave was not working. This occurred when I needed to make a quick oatmeal breakfast before working a crazy 8 hour shift at about 7:30am. Of course the phone problems made it rather difficult to call my landlord regarding the stove and a repairman regarding the microwave. This was all compounded by the fact that my family was calling constantly in a worried and angry frenzy to express their distaste for my serious lack of phone etiquette.

Meanwhile, my laptop proceeded to crash suddenly. I assumed I had a virus so I erased ALL my files trying to reformat (probably not the wisest decision). I realized there was a major issue when windows would not reinstall. I took it to get fixed and was told that if there was a hardware problem other than the hard-drive I would have to send it off to HP for a minimal fee of $450. Considering my warranty just finished, I was quite upset by this news. In an attempt to help me, the computer repair guy diagnosed my laptop and found that nothing was indeed wrong with the hard-drive(sp?) and assumed I had just reformatted my computer incorrectly. The diagnostic cost me $45 and to top things off I was late for work. When I got home after working my 7 hour closing shift, I spent 4 hours reformatting my computer, staying up late into the early hours of the morning to reload all my programs and drivers. Upon waking up the next morning my lappy crashed again. I took it back to the computer repair place only to have them discover that the RAM chip I had purchased from them was defective. I was not impressed.

To top this all off, I had a humongous fight with my mom Friday night and have been working non-stop since last Saturday. More accurately, I have been working for over ten days straight. Upon arriving at work tonight all my colleagues, including the two on-duty managers and the owner, asked if I was okay. I must of looked like death because Andrew (the owner) decided to give me the day off tomorrow, which I will use to do laundry, fill out two job applications, clean my room and hang out with my grandmother. I think I might even attend an Al-Anon meeting.

To add to all this stress, I have been having a spiritual crisis as of late where I have been dealing with serious questions about God, His grace and His character. Perhaps I am coming to grips with my skewed and distorted image of God or maybe I am just at a point in my spiritual growth where I am beginning to define what a relationship with God really means. Regardless, this whole experience is exhausting, lonely and terrifying. The only person I feel I can relate to is an ex-boyfriend. I want to call him but I am petrified he'll think I'm emotionally unloading on him. I am also afraid of being that vulnerable with him. Who knows what I'll feel like after we talk (if I ever get enough balls to call him). Secretly (well, not anymore) I am never sure how I feel about him. Some days my emotions regarding our friendship seem clear and stable but other days I am filled with confusion. At times, I blame the loss of our relationship entirely on myself. That whole bit makes me teary.

Emotionally, I am all over the place and I just... I just need someone who will listen to me; someone who will be open to letting me rant and rave about the difficulties I am presently experiencing and then just encourage me. And when I say listen, I mean genuinely listen. I've realized lately that so many people just half-ass listen. They inquire but their inquiry is so shallow and when it comes down to it, their interest is fleeting. The average person will inquire, but only expect a short pat answer, which is usually followed by a quick response or suggestion. If it's a Christian, it's usually some cliched statement or casual suggestion followed by a quick prayer and then their focus returns to their own life. I am beginning to believe the only person who will care for you is yourself because others are so wrapped up in the daily going-ons of their own lives. It's not that I want to lament about the selfishness of humanity or pinpoint the mistakes of others. We're all broken and self-focused. I guess it's just nice when someone truly listens and sincerely empathizes. I admit, I need to work on this too.

Oh, did I also mention I got my rag too? Yeah, I've been overly emotional, extremely PMSy, crampy and pimply (AGAIN!). Damn hormones!