So, there's a guy I work with who looks a lot like the dude from Prison Break. I think his name is Wentworth Miller (see below).



sigh...

Working around this guy makes me totally distracted and kinda googly eyed. I can't help it! It's rare to find such a beuatiful specimen in my place of work and believe it or not (FINALLY!!) he's not metro sexual, gay, or conceited. Apparently he's very shy. I have no idea what he's like because I cannot for the life of me talk to him. The guy is at least five years younger than me and I can't even look him in the face. When I absolutely have to talk to him for work purposes, I get all red and flustered. I thought I would get over the embarrassingly awkward stage of my life but unfortunately, I have not moved on as I had hoped.

Retro 80's

I was bored yesterday and I came across some old Sesame Street skits/cartoons. These were some of my favourites or just ones that really stuck out.

How Crayons Are Made.
(Gotta love that snazzy 80's music)


Crazy Pointer Sisters Pinball


Thinking of U


1-20 Raga
I just thought this was pretty and kinda groovy


And finally: Here is Your Life
These are so creative and well, they make me giggle.

Painting of a Bowl of Fruit
(For some reason Guy Smiley reminds me of Travis Doucette)


Loaf of Bread

Caffeine

I never realized how helpful coffee is at keeping me awake. That sounds like such a stupid and rather obvious statement but recently I have been discovering the wonderfulness of coffee. I usually shy away from it b/c I always get shaky after drinking it but man, when I need to concentrate it's totally helpful. I don't think I've drank this much coffee ever, even during all my university years.

LSAT suckage

This past Monday marked the beginning of my LSAT studying. After encountering some minor delays (i.e. laziness, lack of motivation, fear and apathy) I finally got down to some real focused studying today (Saturday). I am still on track with my weekly study goals but am now aware and perhaps more realistic about the likelihood of my success on this standardized test. Before beginning my studying, I told my friend my ideal score. I was a tad...ahem, optimistic (out of my freakin mind, I must be brilliant to achieve the score I wanted). No offence to the LSAC people but my goodness, this test blows, particularly the logical reasoning section. They have ten different logical reasoning type questions all with key words and methods of choosing the correct answer. Most frustrating is the wording of the questions. They are so verbose that I get distracted and lost in the vocabulary and long sentences. Here's what I mean:


A habitat's carrying capacity for a particular species is defined as the largest number of individuals of that species that the environment can support for an extended period of time. Each species has its own set of resource requirements, and the carrying capacity of a given habitat for a species is determined by which one of these key resources is scarcest relative to the animal's requirements, and how much of that resource is available. In a particular area of wetland habitat that supports snowy egrets, it is observed over a period of several years that many nesting sites suitable for snowy egrets remain unused.

If the statement above are true, then which one of the following must also be true about the wetland habitat described in the passage above?

A) The habitat's carrying capacity for snowy egrets is greater than its current population of that species.
B) Suitable food sources are scarcer, relative to the snowy egrets' need for them, than are suitable nesting sites in the habitat.
C) At least one resources that snowy egrets require is not present in the habitat.
D) The number of suitable nesting sites that are available but remain unused is determined by the abundance of some other resource in the habitat.
E) Efforts to increase the snowy egret population in the habitat through careful introduction of additional individuals and key resources are unlikely to be successful.

Anyone wanna take a stab at this question? Seriously, if you get it right I'll be forever impressed.

It took me about 20 minutes to attempt an answer only to discover I got it wrong (hence the title of this post). What bothers me the most is that I can never seem to get the logic right. This causes me great frustration and worry. With practice I know I'll improve but there is this lingering doubt that I'll never understand the argument and fail horribly.

These feelings are premature, I know. I've only studied one section, which obviously is not reflective of my ability to do well on the entire test. Actually, I am quite good at the games section and rather enjoy those type questions. It's too bad the games section makes up only 1/6 of the test unlike the logical reasoning section which is at least 1/4 of the LSAT. Who needs logical reasoning anyways?!

Anyhoo, I gotta get back to it.

Bye bye,
Johanna

My journey begins

We don't change what we are, we change what we think what we are.

Eric Butterworth

It's been a long time

I haven't written here in several weeks. It's crazy how long it's been. Nothing new has really been happening. Well, that's not entirely true. So, here is a brief update.

I am currently helping to organize an art fundraiser for Romero House, a non-profit organization that assists refugees with finding community, housing, legal services and advocacy. It's going to be pretty sweet if things actually work out. Right now I am not feeling so hot about it. First, there are some problems with the liquor license. The LCBO guy (named Jesse) called me on Friday and told me I was missing all sorts of documentation for my application. I had no idea how I missed all this but I need to get the documents fast which means I have to run around like a crazy person. I am also having some serious issues with finding panelists for our documentary screening and discussion night. Right now I have only managed to contact four people. Two have confirmed, another has declined and I am still waiting to hear back from the other person. Honestly, I just want God to make the whole thing work out and be successful.

I got fired for the very first time. I have never been fired in my entire life until last Tuesday when I was abruptly dismissed. At first I thought it was something I did incorrectly but then found out that I was fired so the roommate of the chef could take my place. I was rather upset to say the least.

I gave in my notice at Hot House. Finally after eight months of pure torture and angst I got up the nerve to quit. It's not anything fantastic but it certainly makes me feel so much better. Going in to work has a new meaning when I know I am leaving in a week and a half. In some ways I wish I was leaving when they really needed me but in the end that's just me being selfish and vindictive. My work experiences here over the last few months have been very negative. I have never been in a position where I absolutely hated my job and my boss and had to stick it out for various reasons (financial, spiritual etc...). Things I have learned from Hot House: I NEVER EVER WANT TO WORK IN THE SERVICE INDUSTRY AGAIN!!!

I am most likely moving home to Barrie. I am not competely certain about this yet but am pretty sure it's going to happen. I don't want to think negatively about it so I am working hard to think of all the good things moving home will entail. I will have more money to pay off debt, I can study and focus on my LSATs and applying to law school, I will actually have time to apply for overseas jobs b/c I am not working so much and I can help my parents out with cleaning house and taking care of my grandmother. I guess my worry is that I'll be stuck in Barrie longer than I anticipate and be one of those people who works in the mall at the Telus kios at Christmas time (cough pride issues...cough cough).

I'm also feeling crummy about leaving my apartment. A girl came to look at the place on Thrusday night and she'll probably take it. I know I should just let her have it but I feel so possessive over it. It's so great and in such a nice location and... and I just like it so much. Leaving it will be very sad for me. But, it IS just a place to live. God has always been good to me in finding apartments and roommates so why should I question Him now?

Anywho, that's life in general right now. Not fabulous but not terribly sucky.

And one more quick question: who are all these anonymous people who comment on my blog? Really? I think you should write me a personal email letting me know your identity. The curiosity is killing me!

complaining

The world is full of gay men and I seem to know all of them. And why, why are they always good looking and nice.

grrr..

boastful

To make up for my lack of domestic abilities (more like laziness) I decided to do something special for Annie. I haven't done my kitchen duties in like two months (just so you know, she cleaned yesterday while I was at work)and since then she has been going insane. So to repay her for all her frustration, I scored two tickets to the best show in Toronto. Yes, I freakin rock and I must say, I am THE best roomie ever!!!

"What did you do, Johanna?", you ask. Well, I scored two floor seats close to the stage to see Feist. And yes, it's ALL for my beautiful, tolerant and wonderful roommate Ann Marie.

old people with guns

If you get a chance, go see this film (below). The last forty minutes are pure hilarity!



That was all :)

Oh what a night

So tonight was my second night of volunteering at 614, the Salvation Army Church located in Regent Park. I have to say, it was NOT what I expected. I had a feeling these girls could be rowdy but I never imagined they would behave so badly as they did tonight. The first time I went to squads things seemed so nice: everyone listened and willingly participated in curriculum, the girls enjoyed our craft activity, the hip hop class was productive and the walk home generally pleasant. I assumed Annie was over-exaggerating when she said it was tame.

Tonight they were so loud and obnoxious I thought my head would explode. There were two or three regular girls who attended that were not present last week. These girls were so freakin loud and argumentative that it was difficult to even get them to do simple tasks such as reading a couple sentences from a book or listen to a CD. It was not just their booming voices but the sound of them banging on the table, slamming the door, talking on their cell phones and knocking over their chairs when they wanted to change seats or leave the room. These noisy distractions were compounded by two boys who kept coming by to bother the girls. These two boys would not leave the girls alone and hung around the hallway and lobby areas of the building. At some points they went so far as to disturb the other squad down that hall.

As the evening progressed things just got worse and worse. The dinner made by 614, and I'm being diplomatic here, was less than par and completely unsuitable. The girls refused to eat the pre-made sandwiches and rather than eat the corn chips provided, they proceeded to have a massive food fight. By the time the squad ended, the room was covered with crushed corn chips and with no vacuum in sight, the clean up task seemed daunting. We attempted to get the girls to help us out but it seemed a useless effort.

As we walked home, it became clear how out of control they really were. Upon leaving the building, the two boys and some other girls who had joined us later in the evening took their water bottles (water we had given them might I add) and decided to throw it at a prostitute sitting on the curb. The kids were all over the street running around screaming and yelling. Of the 8 kids with us, only 3 girls had to be escorted home, a request made by their parents. This proved rather difficult as they would not listen to reason and would not obey. I didn't get frustrated, I just sat there and let them do what they wanted. How on earth am I going to control a 15 year old determined to undermine me and do exactly the opposite of what I say? On top of that, the girls we had to escort home were big girls. Can you imagine me, tiny as a stick, trying to get them home before their curfews by means of intimidation and attitude? I've got to admit, I have some sass but not that much to actually follow through with serious action. These girls are tough. I'm such a suburban middle class white girl!

Finally 2 of the 3 girls went home. The last girl refused to listen to us so we decided to go to her house and let her mom know that her daughter refused to come home. Of course, she caught on immediately as we changed direction and declared petulantly that she would run ahead of us and lock herself in her house. She seemed so indignant as she ran ahead and bolted her door. I think she really believed she had outsmarted us. In her attempt to undermine us, she did exactly what we had wanted. She went home. I laughed so hard I thought I would pee my pants.

After getting back, Annie and I spent at least 30 minutes picking up crushed chips from the floor. Then we had chocolate cupcakes, ice cream and whipped cream with 614 leaders. It was sort of a debrief where we talked about discipline issues, squad curriculum and rules. It was productive.

Despite what happened tonight, I still really want to lead a squad, particularly with this age category. I refuse to believe these girls are idiots and can't behave. They are so amazing and have such potential. Not only are they beautiful but they are so intelligent. I could only dream of being as quick witted as some of these girls. They have a comeback for EVERYTHING! The best part about this squad is that these girls have the same taste in music as me. For the first time in four years, I am around people who actually like what I listen to and agree with my musical tastes. When they hear some good reggae they don't cringe and express their distaste with Bob Marley, they get up and shake some ass! A Tupac song is not met with disgust but with sincere admiration. I like these girls and this community because at the heart of who they are, they are real people. They don't have pretense. They are mouthy, difficult and unruly and they're proud of it. You've gotta give them props for that kind of attitude.

I have no idea what I am doing or if I'll be successful as a squad leader but I know with God's help there is hope. Pray for hope for me and that I would act as God would wish. Pray for these amazing girls and that they would know the Father's heart and their immense value. God bless 614!

Venting

I know I shouldn't do it, but I will. Below is a list of things that pissed me off today.

1) People who ask you out and are secretly married
Don't pretend to be single when you're not because eventually the truth will come out. For example: I answer the phone at work and end up taking a message from said persons wife. What the?!

2) People who take advantage of you
After working a 12 hour double shift (retarded) management insist that I stay late (when it's dead, might I add) to fold linen (stupidity) when they know I made plans. Which incidentally, I had to cancel b/c I was cut so freakin late.

3) People who don't bathe regularly
OK, that's just gross and very, very unappealing

4)Freaky men in TTC stations
I swear, everytime I take public transit there usually ends up being some wacko nearby. Either he's heckling people for change or either he's yelling profanities or some other such nonesense. For once, I would like to sit on the TTC for a full trip and not be bothered by some random idiot. I shouldn't call them idiots because they're most likely mentally ill (how politically correct of me).

5) Constant smiling
If I hear someone ask me to smile and "put on my game face" one more time, I swear I'm going to freak. After working several hours today I think my face is gonna fall off (yeah, that makes no sense. Meh... it's my blog, so suck it up or go somewhere else and read). What's wrong with a monotone greeting? Really?

6)Odor Eaters that don't work
I bought odor eaters last week to get rid of my work/shoe stink and they're not working. They're supposedly guaranteed to work for at least six months. I beg to differ, people! Maybe I just overly sweat? Whatever the case, my feet smell like... they just smell really really awful.

7)People who don't do their job (ie: lazy asses)
I ended up clearing/bussing tables tonight because the busser wouldn't do it. Oddly enough, bussers get tipped out more than I do. grrr....

8) Very cute and stylish boys who are so obviously gay.
What a waste :(

9) Pedophiles
Don't even ask how this came up today. Unfortunately it did and I want to ralph whenever I think of such perverted comments and the people who make them.

10) I have a bad cold. I'm not even sure if it's a cold but it's driving me nuts. I keep sneezing and my nose is so runny I feel like it's a leaky faucet. What's worse is all this wiping is causing my nose to chap. Eww... yuck.

Bah...

I'm such a complainer.

I don't get it?

I am happy with my current state of relationship. So why, when I am finally satisfied with the way things are going, do people show up and like to mess up my groove? I have a good thing going and BAM all of a sudden people walk into my life and tempt me. They tempt me to do things I would never do and worst of all, they tempt me away from being loyal. Just so you know, I will not be swayed

There is always enough

To live by these words is frightening.

unhappy

I've had a rough couple of days. Since my last post it appears that every little thing in my life has gone wrong. First, I experienced some horrible cell phone problems: my cell battery wouldn't last more than an hour, my voice mail would not record messages and my cell phone would not ring leading me to miss a succession of important phone calls from friends and family. I was going to get a new cell phone last Thursday, but when I didn't receive my package, I called FIDO. Apparently my phone order had never been inputted into their system thus my new phone had never been ordered. I then discovered that all the information and quotes the first sales person had quoted me were completely incorrect and that I had to undergo the entire process again. I was rather frustrated to say the least.

Then I discovered our oven wasn't working. For some reason it would not turn on which caused me great frustration considering I had just bought a crap load of groceries to make various baking recipes. Then I discovered our microwave was not working. This occurred when I needed to make a quick oatmeal breakfast before working a crazy 8 hour shift at about 7:30am. Of course the phone problems made it rather difficult to call my landlord regarding the stove and a repairman regarding the microwave. This was all compounded by the fact that my family was calling constantly in a worried and angry frenzy to express their distaste for my serious lack of phone etiquette.

Meanwhile, my laptop proceeded to crash suddenly. I assumed I had a virus so I erased ALL my files trying to reformat (probably not the wisest decision). I realized there was a major issue when windows would not reinstall. I took it to get fixed and was told that if there was a hardware problem other than the hard-drive I would have to send it off to HP for a minimal fee of $450. Considering my warranty just finished, I was quite upset by this news. In an attempt to help me, the computer repair guy diagnosed my laptop and found that nothing was indeed wrong with the hard-drive(sp?) and assumed I had just reformatted my computer incorrectly. The diagnostic cost me $45 and to top things off I was late for work. When I got home after working my 7 hour closing shift, I spent 4 hours reformatting my computer, staying up late into the early hours of the morning to reload all my programs and drivers. Upon waking up the next morning my lappy crashed again. I took it back to the computer repair place only to have them discover that the RAM chip I had purchased from them was defective. I was not impressed.

To top this all off, I had a humongous fight with my mom Friday night and have been working non-stop since last Saturday. More accurately, I have been working for over ten days straight. Upon arriving at work tonight all my colleagues, including the two on-duty managers and the owner, asked if I was okay. I must of looked like death because Andrew (the owner) decided to give me the day off tomorrow, which I will use to do laundry, fill out two job applications, clean my room and hang out with my grandmother. I think I might even attend an Al-Anon meeting.

To add to all this stress, I have been having a spiritual crisis as of late where I have been dealing with serious questions about God, His grace and His character. Perhaps I am coming to grips with my skewed and distorted image of God or maybe I am just at a point in my spiritual growth where I am beginning to define what a relationship with God really means. Regardless, this whole experience is exhausting, lonely and terrifying. The only person I feel I can relate to is an ex-boyfriend. I want to call him but I am petrified he'll think I'm emotionally unloading on him. I am also afraid of being that vulnerable with him. Who knows what I'll feel like after we talk (if I ever get enough balls to call him). Secretly (well, not anymore) I am never sure how I feel about him. Some days my emotions regarding our friendship seem clear and stable but other days I am filled with confusion. At times, I blame the loss of our relationship entirely on myself. That whole bit makes me teary.

Emotionally, I am all over the place and I just... I just need someone who will listen to me; someone who will be open to letting me rant and rave about the difficulties I am presently experiencing and then just encourage me. And when I say listen, I mean genuinely listen. I've realized lately that so many people just half-ass listen. They inquire but their inquiry is so shallow and when it comes down to it, their interest is fleeting. The average person will inquire, but only expect a short pat answer, which is usually followed by a quick response or suggestion. If it's a Christian, it's usually some cliched statement or casual suggestion followed by a quick prayer and then their focus returns to their own life. I am beginning to believe the only person who will care for you is yourself because others are so wrapped up in the daily going-ons of their own lives. It's not that I want to lament about the selfishness of humanity or pinpoint the mistakes of others. We're all broken and self-focused. I guess it's just nice when someone truly listens and sincerely empathizes. I admit, I need to work on this too.

Oh, did I also mention I got my rag too? Yeah, I've been overly emotional, extremely PMSy, crampy and pimply (AGAIN!). Damn hormones!

a little bit of this... a little bit of that

So, life has been ho hum as of late. Nothing in particular to note except for a few random events/conversations/happenings, which made me happy.

1)Rob Jefferson
I talked to him last night at church. It was nice because we actually chatted naturally. If any of you know Rob, one of his most hilarious qualities is to make ridiculous claims/statements and attempt to defend them. For example: I mentioned that I wanted to attend the David Suzuki/Stephen Lewis event and he went on this ridiculous rant about how Stephen Lewis was crazy, irrational and an "unsupportable person". I found this rather shocking considering Lewis' reputation, prominence and extensive advocacy work for those suffering from HIV/AIDS. I attempted to point out that perhaps he was referring to Chomsky, but I was rebuffed with a fiery retort of... how should I say this... well, it was basically a barrage of conservative rantings (which probably came from the National Post) about how Lewis was anti-American and clueless in regards to the complex relationship between government and business. I laughed but didn't retaliate (I've gotten used to it by now). We went on to discuss Bush, the upcoming US election, Mulroney (barf), condos, university degrees and whose degree was better (I so obviously win, I went to UofT) and other silly random things. I guess the whole point of this long-drawn out paragraph is to say that I thoroughly enjoy Rob Jefferson. My goodness his weirdness makes me laugh.

2)Val
I absolutely adore Valerie Dovell! So much so that if I was a good looking boy, who played in a band, wore skinny jeans and had crazy hair and scruff, I would chose her to be my wife. Seriously, she is so hilarious and cute. I love the way we chat, her sweet laugh and all the fun and silly things we talk about (mostly work related).

3)Job apps.
I applied to Amnesty International for a post in Eastern Africa. It took me FOREVER! Actually, it took me all night. I pulled an all-nighter to apply to an NGO, an NGO which will probably never respond to my application. I wonder, what's the point of applying for jobs when I know over 80% of my applications will go unnoticed. You're probably wondering how in the world this terrible statistic (one I made up, might I add) would be something to be happy about. It feels good to apply for something. Just the fact that I stuck it out (all frickin 9 hours of it) and applied makes me feel proud. At least I tried and that's what counts.

4)The gym
I joined a gym today. It's called Fitness One and I got a pretty good deal. They offer a wide range of fitness classes and they even provide you with a personal trainer. I think this is pretty snazzy. What I found most interesting is that the person doing my orientation as well as all the staff were male. This is rather odd considering it's an all women fitness club. After mentioning this general observation, the gentleman assisting me became rather uncomfortable and to compensate, began to crack really weird sexist jokes. Does anyone else find it odd that primarily male staff are running a women's fitness centre?

5)Skinny jeans
Today for the first time ever, I tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I must say, I looked hot. What's even more surprising is that I am considering buying a pair. I never dreamed I would ever do such a thing, but they just looked so good. Heather and Petey will be pleasantly surprised.

6)Saving money and avoiding fashion suicide
After trying on several pairs of skinny jeans with cool new shoes and other flashy accessories, I decided to buy them. I went to use my Visa card but my refund from another purchase had not been put back on my card yet and so it was declined (how embarrassing). I proceeded to use my debit card only to have that declined for some unknown reason. Some would say that God was working to stop me from over-zealously spending my money in the typical conspicuous fashion of the average North American. I say, God was really preventing me from buying skinny jeans as it is only a short-lived trend which will be over by the end of 2007.

7)New cell phone
My new cell phone is arriving on Thursday. New technology and thingybobbers make me smile. I will also be pleased to talk on my cell phone for more than an hour without my battery dying. Nokias suck.

8)Lunch
I made a super-duper fantastic lunch for tomorrow. It's gonna be a good one (yum). I also made lunch for Annie. And tomorrow morning I'm making a pancake breakfast. I am SUCH a good roomie.

9)Visitors
I found out Ade is coming to TO on Sunday. Fun fun fun!

10)My appointment
I've had several people inquire about my previous post. To answer your questions...
No, I am not pregnant;
No, I did not get an operation;
No, I did not elope (ah ha ha, I wish);
No, I didn't irreparably burn and scar my face or have defunct palstic surgery (thanx Meg);
No, unfortunately I am not adopted and didn't find my other family. But wouldn't it be cool if I did and they were gloriously and wonderfully rich? All my dreams could come true (choke);
And no, it wasn't a "big" thing except to me.

Rest assured, nothing super significant occurred. I guess I was just trying to describe (as accurately as possible) my emotional state regarding a particular conversation I was going to have. I will not elaborate on here for the sake of privacy, but I will say this: since last week, I have felt much freedom and peace. It has been absolutely wonderful. If you really really want to know, call me and I'll tell you. That being the case, some of you need to get out more.

11)Decreasing amounts of pimples
My face is finally clearing up. For some odd reason during the month of January I experienced a zit explosion. I basically looked like shit for four weeks. Thank goodness it's improving and just in time for Valentine's Day too. It's not that it really matters anyway because I'll be spending V-Day at work and then coming home alone (no, I'm not bitter).

12)Abercrombie
I jokingly asked a gay guy out at work and I think he thinks I'm serious. Since then, he frequently attempts to flirt with me. That makes me laugh.

13) And finally...
English muffins with homemade Jam. Mmm... I'm gonna have one right now :)

That is all.

Nighty night.

dread

I have a very important appointment tomorrow. I've known about it for awhile, but now I can actually feel it coming, feel it in my heart, in my stomach, in the deeps of myself. I can barely breath.

Right now everything is fine. I am okay, but tomorrow, tomorrow I may be totally different. I could be worse. My mind could be a wreck of thoughts. My emotions could be uncontrollable. My pain could be intense. Or I could be better. My senses calmed and my worries relieved. My heart could sore with love and joy.

This terrifies and excites me all at the same time.

Secretly I want to avoid what's coming, no matter what the result but I can't put it off. No matter what happens, I'll have to deal with the consequences of tomorrow. It's inevitable.

So... I'll face it. Feel everything there is to feel and deal with it all straight up.

I don't want to do this but I must. My curiosity is killing me.

How I wish I didn't make that appointment. My regret will be unbearable.

Oh Lord, help me.

Random stupidity

Recently I've had a string of days where I just say the stupidest things to people and then feel utter embarrassment after the fact. If they didn't know me, which usually ends up being the case, I wouldn't be surprised if they thought me rather daft. Sometimes as I am talking, my inner self (in a daily dialogue) realizes the stupidity of what's coming out of my mouth, but is powerless to stop. For example, the other day while working in the back kitchen I noticed one of the kitchen staff cutting up some meat (mmm... beef). I guess he saw my expression of delight and asked if I liked meat. I responded with a strong yes. I wanted to say something further about how I would eat it all the time, but for some reason some horrid remark about constipation came out. I don't know what I was trying to say but the result has been rather unfortunate. Dude hasn't talked to me since Wednesday night and some of the kitchen guys look at me like I have a foot growing out of my head.

This thoughtlessness seems to be happening mostly at work. I'll bring someone to their table and rather than tell them to enjoy their meal, I'll say goodnight and abruptly leave. Or when I have a wait list, instead of calling out the patron names, I'll call out staff names instead. I feel like I'm having a brain fart or something. What's even worse is that sometimes I don't even know what was said. Tonight I was attempting to bring someone from the bar to their table and the person who I was chatting with had the strangest reaction, almost as if I had said something terribly offensive. I felt like I had missed something so I actually asked her if there was a problem and her response was that I was "a weird little person"(what the?).

I've had this type of thing happen before. It only lasted a few days but it caused me some minor embarrassment, particularly in the dating/crushing department. When I was in second year (Rachel, you'll love this story) I had a humongous crush on a boy named Tim Fairgreive(sp?). If anyone from Vic reads this blog, he used to be the manager of the Cat's Eye. Anywho, I was madly in love with Tim and wanted to get his attention. So when I heard he was a member of the International Relations Society, I decided to join. I couldn't possibly attend a meeting alone so I brought along my trusty good guy friend, Steve Haye (crazy tall gangly guy with bright red curly hair). Again, for those from Vic, Steve was the editor-in-chief of the Strand.

As we sit through this boring meeting, Steve concocts a wonderful cunning plan that will allow me to talk to my love interest. As the meeting concludes, Steve would approach Tim and start up a conversation with him and then I would join them. After some brief moments of talking together Steve would then leave and chat with my nemesis, Reem (who also had a crush on Tim) so I could chat with my crush without interruption or distraction.

Everything was going well. In fact, the plan was unfolding perfectly. Steve and I were chatting away with Tim. Of course, he asked why I was attending the meeting as he had not seen me there before and I told him that IR was my major. To make a joke (and to show him how witty I really was (laugh, choke)) I said the real reason I had attended the meeting was because my "hot and handsome" friend, Steve, was attending. To make my joke so much the better, I decided to say, "Oh Steve, you're so dreamy!" Here comes the brain fart. Rather than say Steve, I said Tim and when I realized what I had said, I actually stopped mid-sentence. So, what came out in full was, "Oh Tim". Of course, Steve told all my friends, who for the remainder of the year would yell out in a whimsical manner, "Oh Tim!" whenever I was around.

Anyways, the point of all this nonsense is that I have to get control of my impulsive nature. I've always been rather impetuous. So much so that when I decide to be wise and make a decision, I'll always end up doing the exact opposite in a rash manner (i.e. summer 2006). Maybe I'm setting myself up? Whatever it is, at present, it seems to have caused some minor humiliation and good entertainment for my friends and co-workers. Let's hope it passes soon.

I'm single

Yes, you heard me. I'll say it again. I am single and that's okay with me.

I wish I could say I feel like that, but at this moment in time, any sense of empowerement and confidence in my singleness is completely non-existent. Perhaps this is because everyone around me is inflamed with mad passionate love towards their significant others and all I hear about is the enthralling glory of that experience. I want to barf. Seriously, I am sick of hanging out with my sappy friends who only discuss being in love or what "so and so" said yesterday that was wonderfully glorious. Every conversation relates to relationships, dating, sex or marriage plans.

Here's what I mean. The below is only a sample of conversations that I've had this past week. No lie, these are actual responses to my genuine attempts at normal conversation.

Example #1
Me: I'm looking for an overseas job. I applied for one in Haiti and if I got it I would consider myself so lucky!

My friend: Lucky? Speaking of lucky, I'm so lucky to be in love with the most beautiful girl in the world! Isn't she lovely?

Example #2
Me: I am so annoyed! My downstairs neighbour smoking is really getting on my nerves.

My friend: I could never live with someone who smokes, which is why I am so happy to be getting married to "whatsherface", who hates cigarettes just as much as I do.

Example #3
Me: My face is breaking out. I think I'm really stressed with my job, my parents and finding over-seas work.

My friend: Johanna, you should fall in love with your best friend, it's so AMAZING (long sigh)

Example #4
Me: How was your two week trip to Zambia?

My friend: It was amazing, I would have stayed there longer but I came home(starts to raise voice so "Betty Sue Perfection" can overhear) to be with MY GIRL.

Example #5
Me: I'm so glad you're back from Tanzania. I've missed seeing you. Tell me about your trip, I want to hear all the details.

My friend: It was amazing. I dated 6 guys while I was away and "hot'n'sexy Kenyan" is going to be visiting here in a month or so. I can't wait for you to meet him.

See... that is NOT normal. I mean, if I was asking for relationship advice or about relationships in general, then discussing a boyfriend or girlfriend would make sense. But as you can see, I am clearly trying to have normal discussions with people and their responses seem... well, retardedly off topic to the point of ridiculousness!

This whole situation has led me to feel rather guilty. I genuinely want to be happy for my friends and their new found romances. I should be happy, right? These are people I care about who have finally found someone to share life with, isn't that supposed to be great? I should be enthused and pleased but I'm not. If anything, all I'm noticing is their dwindling presence in my life and their growing disinterest in our friendship.

This whole situation is compounded by my mother, who is periodically bringing up the fact that she's almost sixty and doesn't have grandchildren. I find this ironic considering she made a rule for her daughters explicitly stating that there were to be no babies before marriages and no marriages before the age of 25. She also keeps calling me whenever someone I know from Barrie gets engaged. Unfortunately for me, three people in the last week have gotten engaged, which means I have to discuss this in some form or another when I call home. I know this is just some church tidbit my mom is interested in discussing, but I can't help feeling she is subtly pressuring me to find a boyfriend.

At this point in my life, I really feel called by God to be single. This is the time to get to know Him in a more personal and intimate way and really solidify what I think and believe. I need/want to prioritize my spiritual growth, but I feel constantly swayed by what's going on around me. I won't lie, I would like to be in a serious relationship, but I keep having these nagging feelings that this is DEFINITELY not the time for me. Maybe all this talk of relationships is a form of "spiritual warfare" (I hate that terminology) or temptation. Maybe it's me being tested in some odd way. Whatever it is, it's causing me to become more critical and bitter towards my unsingle friends, which can't be good.

The very fact that I am devoting an entire blog entry to this subject urks me even more.

Grr...

odd thought

Since New Year's I've been thinking about honesty. It's odd how I keep so much of myself inside and never tell others exactly what I think and feel. I've often wondered what it would be like to tell the people I love just exactly how they've affected me and influenced my life. I could never tell someone blatantly in person what I think, unless it was someone I completely trusted and there is only a select few people I am comfortable with in order to do that. As for the others, I cannot see myself telling them my true feelings without embarrassment or shame.

As a child, I used to imagine my death (kinda morbid, I know). I would have some sort of weird disease(probably cancer) and in anticipation of my death (and probably to pass the time) I decide to write brutally honest letters to those important people in my life. After dying in a overly dramatic way preceded by speeches and long glances, my family finds a box with all my letters and realizes their task of delivering them. I think it so romantic to find a box of letters after the death of a loved one. It would become like a quest, kinda like in Immortal Beloved. That was a good movie.

I can see it now: ex-boyfriend from high school opening his letter with his children playing in the background. As he reads it, a look of confusion spreads across his face followed by a look of sadness ( if there was a camera it would zoom in on his face and sappy music would begin to play). After realizing how he had changed my life forever (lame) he would look all pensive (music change) and then gradually a smile would slowly appear(he is obviously having some epiphany moment). This smile changes from surprise to contentment. His wife asks how he is and of course he doesn't respond, he just hugs her and together they sit and watch their children play.

Yeah, I'm thinking my letters would not have that affect on people. Knowing me I would say something ridiculous and probably offend them causing them to rip up my letter and curse bitterly. Nah, both scenarios are unlikely.

Realistically: ex-boyfriend opens letter as his children play on their backyard climber. As he reads said letter, a look of confusion spreads across his face followed by a blank expression. He turns to his wife and says, "Did you know Johanna Howes died?". Her retort, "Who's Johanna Howes?"

Anyways, back to the whole point of this post: honesty. I don't want to write letters to my friends and family to cause them to feel sorry for me or to feel glad about our friendship (nor do I want to give them the impression I'm dying). I guess I just want to tell specific people how I feel about them even if I never get up the nerve to actually say it in person. I'll have expressed it in some form and at least they will have to opportunity to know. I imagine this task would be a lengthy one and would entail a lot of effort and time as I would have to locate people, find their addresses etc... Furthermore, I would have to narrow down who I actually want to send letters to. I can't send it to everyone, that would take forever. Who has time for that?

So, if you're one of those people who still read this blog after neglect for almost a month, you might just receive a letter in the next little bit. And just to reassure you, if you get a letter, I am NOT dead.