In reference to my Facebook status, I've held back for so long I forgot how good it feels to say exactly what I think. I've gradually become more and more concerned with how I express myself, making sure I'm politically correct and being unoffensive. I'm tired of that crap. You know what, this is what I think:
1) I'm a bitch. Yes, I am on occasion rude to people in convenient stores, cafeterias, gas stations, drive thrus, retail stores (especially when they pester you to try things on or ask you your full address and personal info when returning a pair of socks) and anyone who just seems to irritate me. And puh-leeze people, I am NOT the only one who does this so stop being so shocked and judgemental.
2) I have a great disdain for arrogant and condescending people who constantly seek public self validation.
3) Stop asking me questions! Is it absolutely necessary for you to know all my whereabouts and thoughts? (My mother is driving me fucking nuts!)
4)For God sakes stop asking for my phone number and email. Just b/c I am pleasant and nice does not mean I want to fuck you, suck your dick, be your girlfriend or marry you.
5) Although good intentions are a lovely after-thought they are NOT actions. Just because you think something does not make it so. Stop telling me that you meant to email me or thought of me the other day but didn't know to call. I'd rather you say nothing at all.
6) Friendships can be quite revealing. It's amazing to discover that your friend is bossy, demanding, popularity obsessed and impatient.
7) Yes, I get drunk on occasion. No, Satan is not going to get me! No, I am not a raging alcoholic! And yes, I probably did flirt with you, tell you something inappropriate and speak with a raised voice, outside, in a family neighbourhood at 2am. (gasp!)
Long sigh...
That is all.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Sunday, July 20, 2008
My first blog back in awhile and it's a meme
So, here are seven random and maybe weird facts about yours truly.
1) I have a mad fascination with and phobia of bad weather. Whenever it's stormy I become very alert and pace around the house, no matter what time of day or night. Sometimes I get so freaked out I prepare for an emergency tornado warning by leaving the basement door open, getting my flashlight ready and keeping my teddy bear on me. Why I would carry a stuffed bear over a phone or some other helpful object is beyond me. Oddly enough, despite my fear, I am genuinely interested in tornadoes and would even consider accompanying storm chasers to see this phenomena up close.
2) After a long day at work I like to buy gossip magazines or tabloids. I am so into it, I actually have Perez Hilton marked down as a favourite on my internet browser and have almost been the first person to comment on one of his posts. To be honest, I'm more interested in Brangelina and the birth of their twins than the upcoming US election.
3) When I was young (around 4 or 5) I actually thought people would roll their shoulders to open a car window. I realize now that from the backseat of a car, that's what it looked like. I also thought the cars on the highway didn't move but that the lanes did.
4) For some reason I find the intro to the Edison Twins really catchy and have even been prone to singing it while in the shower and doing exercises. It also reminds me of my friend Travis who used to incessantly sing the background vocals while in homeroom in grade 9.
5) I worry when people automatically assume you know what you're doing just because you act confidently. The other day a client asked me about interest rates and mortgages. I gave him a suggestion all the while sounding completely sure of myself and my expertise. The next day he phoned to thank me and had actually done what I had suggested. I;d like to remind you all that I have no idea what the hell I am doing when it comes to mortgages etc... All I know is tax law and how to fill out tax forms.
6) I really dislike people who have bad sidewalk etiquette. Sidewalks are like roads: the right side goes in one direction and the left the opposite way. If people actually walked on the sidewalk like they drove a car people could move along WAY faster during rush hour. I mean come on, cars don't drive side by side at the same speed going in one direction preventing other vehicles from passing!
7) On occasion when I feel really sick, I like my mom to come over and take care of me. Just her presence makes me feel better.
I now tag:
Megarrah
Adrienne
Esther
Jordan
Ron
Rachel
Mark
Here are the rules:
1. Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
4. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
All done :)
1) I have a mad fascination with and phobia of bad weather. Whenever it's stormy I become very alert and pace around the house, no matter what time of day or night. Sometimes I get so freaked out I prepare for an emergency tornado warning by leaving the basement door open, getting my flashlight ready and keeping my teddy bear on me. Why I would carry a stuffed bear over a phone or some other helpful object is beyond me. Oddly enough, despite my fear, I am genuinely interested in tornadoes and would even consider accompanying storm chasers to see this phenomena up close.
2) After a long day at work I like to buy gossip magazines or tabloids. I am so into it, I actually have Perez Hilton marked down as a favourite on my internet browser and have almost been the first person to comment on one of his posts. To be honest, I'm more interested in Brangelina and the birth of their twins than the upcoming US election.
3) When I was young (around 4 or 5) I actually thought people would roll their shoulders to open a car window. I realize now that from the backseat of a car, that's what it looked like. I also thought the cars on the highway didn't move but that the lanes did.
4) For some reason I find the intro to the Edison Twins really catchy and have even been prone to singing it while in the shower and doing exercises. It also reminds me of my friend Travis who used to incessantly sing the background vocals while in homeroom in grade 9.
5) I worry when people automatically assume you know what you're doing just because you act confidently. The other day a client asked me about interest rates and mortgages. I gave him a suggestion all the while sounding completely sure of myself and my expertise. The next day he phoned to thank me and had actually done what I had suggested. I;d like to remind you all that I have no idea what the hell I am doing when it comes to mortgages etc... All I know is tax law and how to fill out tax forms.
6) I really dislike people who have bad sidewalk etiquette. Sidewalks are like roads: the right side goes in one direction and the left the opposite way. If people actually walked on the sidewalk like they drove a car people could move along WAY faster during rush hour. I mean come on, cars don't drive side by side at the same speed going in one direction preventing other vehicles from passing!
7) On occasion when I feel really sick, I like my mom to come over and take care of me. Just her presence makes me feel better.
I now tag:
Megarrah
Adrienne
Esther
Jordan
Ron
Rachel
Mark
Here are the rules:
1. Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
4. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
All done :)
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Loathsome Barrie
It's -30 in Barrie today. Why do I voluntarily live here? What was I thinking? It took me at least 15 mins to let my car warm up today and still I sat shivering. I left all my friends and normal weather back in Toronto. Why, Jesus? Why?
Saturday, December 08, 2007
So, there's a guy I work with who looks a lot like the dude from Prison Break. I think his name is Wentworth Miller (see below).
sigh...
Working around this guy makes me totally distracted and kinda googly eyed. I can't help it! It's rare to find such a beuatiful specimen in my place of work and believe it or not (FINALLY!!) he's not metro sexual, gay, or conceited. Apparently he's very shy. I have no idea what he's like because I cannot for the life of me talk to him. The guy is at least five years younger than me and I can't even look him in the face. When I absolutely have to talk to him for work purposes, I get all red and flustered. I thought I would get over the embarrassingly awkward stage of my life but unfortunately, I have not moved on as I had hoped.
sigh...
Working around this guy makes me totally distracted and kinda googly eyed. I can't help it! It's rare to find such a beuatiful specimen in my place of work and believe it or not (FINALLY!!) he's not metro sexual, gay, or conceited. Apparently he's very shy. I have no idea what he's like because I cannot for the life of me talk to him. The guy is at least five years younger than me and I can't even look him in the face. When I absolutely have to talk to him for work purposes, I get all red and flustered. I thought I would get over the embarrassingly awkward stage of my life but unfortunately, I have not moved on as I had hoped.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Retro 80's
I was bored yesterday and I came across some old Sesame Street skits/cartoons. These were some of my favourites or just ones that really stuck out.
How Crayons Are Made.
(Gotta love that snazzy 80's music)
Crazy Pointer Sisters Pinball
Thinking of U
1-20 Raga
I just thought this was pretty and kinda groovy
And finally: Here is Your Life
These are so creative and well, they make me giggle.
Painting of a Bowl of Fruit
(For some reason Guy Smiley reminds me of Travis Doucette)
Loaf of Bread
How Crayons Are Made.
(Gotta love that snazzy 80's music)
Crazy Pointer Sisters Pinball
Thinking of U
1-20 Raga
I just thought this was pretty and kinda groovy
And finally: Here is Your Life
These are so creative and well, they make me giggle.
Painting of a Bowl of Fruit
(For some reason Guy Smiley reminds me of Travis Doucette)
Loaf of Bread
Friday, August 24, 2007
Caffeine
I never realized how helpful coffee is at keeping me awake. That sounds like such a stupid and rather obvious statement but recently I have been discovering the wonderfulness of coffee. I usually shy away from it b/c I always get shaky after drinking it but man, when I need to concentrate it's totally helpful. I don't think I've drank this much coffee ever, even during all my university years.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
LSAT suckage
This past Monday marked the beginning of my LSAT studying. After encountering some minor delays (i.e. laziness, lack of motivation, fear and apathy) I finally got down to some real focused studying today (Saturday). I am still on track with my weekly study goals but am now aware and perhaps more realistic about the likelihood of my success on this standardized test. Before beginning my studying, I told my friend my ideal score. I was a tad...ahem, optimistic (out of my freakin mind, I must be brilliant to achieve the score I wanted). No offence to the LSAC people but my goodness, this test blows, particularly the logical reasoning section. They have ten different logical reasoning type questions all with key words and methods of choosing the correct answer. Most frustrating is the wording of the questions. They are so verbose that I get distracted and lost in the vocabulary and long sentences. Here's what I mean:
A habitat's carrying capacity for a particular species is defined as the largest number of individuals of that species that the environment can support for an extended period of time. Each species has its own set of resource requirements, and the carrying capacity of a given habitat for a species is determined by which one of these key resources is scarcest relative to the animal's requirements, and how much of that resource is available. In a particular area of wetland habitat that supports snowy egrets, it is observed over a period of several years that many nesting sites suitable for snowy egrets remain unused.
If the statement above are true, then which one of the following must also be true about the wetland habitat described in the passage above?
A) The habitat's carrying capacity for snowy egrets is greater than its current population of that species.
B) Suitable food sources are scarcer, relative to the snowy egrets' need for them, than are suitable nesting sites in the habitat.
C) At least one resources that snowy egrets require is not present in the habitat.
D) The number of suitable nesting sites that are available but remain unused is determined by the abundance of some other resource in the habitat.
E) Efforts to increase the snowy egret population in the habitat through careful introduction of additional individuals and key resources are unlikely to be successful.
Anyone wanna take a stab at this question? Seriously, if you get it right I'll be forever impressed.
It took me about 20 minutes to attempt an answer only to discover I got it wrong (hence the title of this post). What bothers me the most is that I can never seem to get the logic right. This causes me great frustration and worry. With practice I know I'll improve but there is this lingering doubt that I'll never understand the argument and fail horribly.
These feelings are premature, I know. I've only studied one section, which obviously is not reflective of my ability to do well on the entire test. Actually, I am quite good at the games section and rather enjoy those type questions. It's too bad the games section makes up only 1/6 of the test unlike the logical reasoning section which is at least 1/4 of the LSAT. Who needs logical reasoning anyways?!
Anyhoo, I gotta get back to it.
Bye bye,
Johanna
A habitat's carrying capacity for a particular species is defined as the largest number of individuals of that species that the environment can support for an extended period of time. Each species has its own set of resource requirements, and the carrying capacity of a given habitat for a species is determined by which one of these key resources is scarcest relative to the animal's requirements, and how much of that resource is available. In a particular area of wetland habitat that supports snowy egrets, it is observed over a period of several years that many nesting sites suitable for snowy egrets remain unused.
If the statement above are true, then which one of the following must also be true about the wetland habitat described in the passage above?
A) The habitat's carrying capacity for snowy egrets is greater than its current population of that species.
B) Suitable food sources are scarcer, relative to the snowy egrets' need for them, than are suitable nesting sites in the habitat.
C) At least one resources that snowy egrets require is not present in the habitat.
D) The number of suitable nesting sites that are available but remain unused is determined by the abundance of some other resource in the habitat.
E) Efforts to increase the snowy egret population in the habitat through careful introduction of additional individuals and key resources are unlikely to be successful.
Anyone wanna take a stab at this question? Seriously, if you get it right I'll be forever impressed.
It took me about 20 minutes to attempt an answer only to discover I got it wrong (hence the title of this post). What bothers me the most is that I can never seem to get the logic right. This causes me great frustration and worry. With practice I know I'll improve but there is this lingering doubt that I'll never understand the argument and fail horribly.
These feelings are premature, I know. I've only studied one section, which obviously is not reflective of my ability to do well on the entire test. Actually, I am quite good at the games section and rather enjoy those type questions. It's too bad the games section makes up only 1/6 of the test unlike the logical reasoning section which is at least 1/4 of the LSAT. Who needs logical reasoning anyways?!
Anyhoo, I gotta get back to it.
Bye bye,
Johanna
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
My journey begins
We don't change what we are, we change what we think what we are.
Eric Butterworth
Eric Butterworth
Sunday, July 22, 2007
It's been a long time
I haven't written here in several weeks. It's crazy how long it's been. Nothing new has really been happening. Well, that's not entirely true. So, here is a brief update.
I am currently helping to organize an art fundraiser for Romero House, a non-profit organization that assists refugees with finding community, housing, legal services and advocacy. It's going to be pretty sweet if things actually work out. Right now I am not feeling so hot about it. First, there are some problems with the liquor license. The LCBO guy (named Jesse) called me on Friday and told me I was missing all sorts of documentation for my application. I had no idea how I missed all this but I need to get the documents fast which means I have to run around like a crazy person. I am also having some serious issues with finding panelists for our documentary screening and discussion night. Right now I have only managed to contact four people. Two have confirmed, another has declined and I am still waiting to hear back from the other person. Honestly, I just want God to make the whole thing work out and be successful.
I got fired for the very first time. I have never been fired in my entire life until last Tuesday when I was abruptly dismissed. At first I thought it was something I did incorrectly but then found out that I was fired so the roommate of the chef could take my place. I was rather upset to say the least.
I gave in my notice at Hot House. Finally after eight months of pure torture and angst I got up the nerve to quit. It's not anything fantastic but it certainly makes me feel so much better. Going in to work has a new meaning when I know I am leaving in a week and a half. In some ways I wish I was leaving when they really needed me but in the end that's just me being selfish and vindictive. My work experiences here over the last few months have been very negative. I have never been in a position where I absolutely hated my job and my boss and had to stick it out for various reasons (financial, spiritual etc...). Things I have learned from Hot House: I NEVER EVER WANT TO WORK IN THE SERVICE INDUSTRY AGAIN!!!
I am most likely moving home to Barrie. I am not competely certain about this yet but am pretty sure it's going to happen. I don't want to think negatively about it so I am working hard to think of all the good things moving home will entail. I will have more money to pay off debt, I can study and focus on my LSATs and applying to law school, I will actually have time to apply for overseas jobs b/c I am not working so much and I can help my parents out with cleaning house and taking care of my grandmother. I guess my worry is that I'll be stuck in Barrie longer than I anticipate and be one of those people who works in the mall at the Telus kios at Christmas time (cough pride issues...cough cough).
I'm also feeling crummy about leaving my apartment. A girl came to look at the place on Thrusday night and she'll probably take it. I know I should just let her have it but I feel so possessive over it. It's so great and in such a nice location and... and I just like it so much. Leaving it will be very sad for me. But, it IS just a place to live. God has always been good to me in finding apartments and roommates so why should I question Him now?
Anywho, that's life in general right now. Not fabulous but not terribly sucky.
And one more quick question: who are all these anonymous people who comment on my blog? Really? I think you should write me a personal email letting me know your identity. The curiosity is killing me!
I am currently helping to organize an art fundraiser for Romero House, a non-profit organization that assists refugees with finding community, housing, legal services and advocacy. It's going to be pretty sweet if things actually work out. Right now I am not feeling so hot about it. First, there are some problems with the liquor license. The LCBO guy (named Jesse) called me on Friday and told me I was missing all sorts of documentation for my application. I had no idea how I missed all this but I need to get the documents fast which means I have to run around like a crazy person. I am also having some serious issues with finding panelists for our documentary screening and discussion night. Right now I have only managed to contact four people. Two have confirmed, another has declined and I am still waiting to hear back from the other person. Honestly, I just want God to make the whole thing work out and be successful.
I got fired for the very first time. I have never been fired in my entire life until last Tuesday when I was abruptly dismissed. At first I thought it was something I did incorrectly but then found out that I was fired so the roommate of the chef could take my place. I was rather upset to say the least.
I gave in my notice at Hot House. Finally after eight months of pure torture and angst I got up the nerve to quit. It's not anything fantastic but it certainly makes me feel so much better. Going in to work has a new meaning when I know I am leaving in a week and a half. In some ways I wish I was leaving when they really needed me but in the end that's just me being selfish and vindictive. My work experiences here over the last few months have been very negative. I have never been in a position where I absolutely hated my job and my boss and had to stick it out for various reasons (financial, spiritual etc...). Things I have learned from Hot House: I NEVER EVER WANT TO WORK IN THE SERVICE INDUSTRY AGAIN!!!
I am most likely moving home to Barrie. I am not competely certain about this yet but am pretty sure it's going to happen. I don't want to think negatively about it so I am working hard to think of all the good things moving home will entail. I will have more money to pay off debt, I can study and focus on my LSATs and applying to law school, I will actually have time to apply for overseas jobs b/c I am not working so much and I can help my parents out with cleaning house and taking care of my grandmother. I guess my worry is that I'll be stuck in Barrie longer than I anticipate and be one of those people who works in the mall at the Telus kios at Christmas time (cough pride issues...cough cough).
I'm also feeling crummy about leaving my apartment. A girl came to look at the place on Thrusday night and she'll probably take it. I know I should just let her have it but I feel so possessive over it. It's so great and in such a nice location and... and I just like it so much. Leaving it will be very sad for me. But, it IS just a place to live. God has always been good to me in finding apartments and roommates so why should I question Him now?
Anywho, that's life in general right now. Not fabulous but not terribly sucky.
And one more quick question: who are all these anonymous people who comment on my blog? Really? I think you should write me a personal email letting me know your identity. The curiosity is killing me!
Saturday, June 09, 2007
complaining
The world is full of gay men and I seem to know all of them. And why, why are they always good looking and nice.
grrr..
grrr..
Saturday, May 26, 2007
boastful
To make up for my lack of domestic abilities (more like laziness) I decided to do something special for Annie. I haven't done my kitchen duties in like two months (just so you know, she cleaned yesterday while I was at work)and since then she has been going insane. So to repay her for all her frustration, I scored two tickets to the best show in Toronto. Yes, I freakin rock and I must say, I am THE best roomie ever!!!
"What did you do, Johanna?", you ask. Well, I scored two floor seats close to the stage to see Feist. And yes, it's ALL for my beautiful, tolerant and wonderful roommate Ann Marie.
"What did you do, Johanna?", you ask. Well, I scored two floor seats close to the stage to see Feist. And yes, it's ALL for my beautiful, tolerant and wonderful roommate Ann Marie.
Monday, April 23, 2007
old people with guns
If you get a chance, go see this film (below). The last forty minutes are pure hilarity!
That was all :)
That was all :)
Monday, April 16, 2007
Oh what a night
So tonight was my second night of volunteering at 614, the Salvation Army Church located in Regent Park. I have to say, it was NOT what I expected. I had a feeling these girls could be rowdy but I never imagined they would behave so badly as they did tonight. The first time I went to squads things seemed so nice: everyone listened and willingly participated in curriculum, the girls enjoyed our craft activity, the hip hop class was productive and the walk home generally pleasant. I assumed Annie was over-exaggerating when she said it was tame.
Tonight they were so loud and obnoxious I thought my head would explode. There were two or three regular girls who attended that were not present last week. These girls were so freakin loud and argumentative that it was difficult to even get them to do simple tasks such as reading a couple sentences from a book or listen to a CD. It was not just their booming voices but the sound of them banging on the table, slamming the door, talking on their cell phones and knocking over their chairs when they wanted to change seats or leave the room. These noisy distractions were compounded by two boys who kept coming by to bother the girls. These two boys would not leave the girls alone and hung around the hallway and lobby areas of the building. At some points they went so far as to disturb the other squad down that hall.
As the evening progressed things just got worse and worse. The dinner made by 614, and I'm being diplomatic here, was less than par and completely unsuitable. The girls refused to eat the pre-made sandwiches and rather than eat the corn chips provided, they proceeded to have a massive food fight. By the time the squad ended, the room was covered with crushed corn chips and with no vacuum in sight, the clean up task seemed daunting. We attempted to get the girls to help us out but it seemed a useless effort.
As we walked home, it became clear how out of control they really were. Upon leaving the building, the two boys and some other girls who had joined us later in the evening took their water bottles (water we had given them might I add) and decided to throw it at a prostitute sitting on the curb. The kids were all over the street running around screaming and yelling. Of the 8 kids with us, only 3 girls had to be escorted home, a request made by their parents. This proved rather difficult as they would not listen to reason and would not obey. I didn't get frustrated, I just sat there and let them do what they wanted. How on earth am I going to control a 15 year old determined to undermine me and do exactly the opposite of what I say? On top of that, the girls we had to escort home were big girls. Can you imagine me, tiny as a stick, trying to get them home before their curfews by means of intimidation and attitude? I've got to admit, I have some sass but not that much to actually follow through with serious action. These girls are tough. I'm such a suburban middle class white girl!
Finally 2 of the 3 girls went home. The last girl refused to listen to us so we decided to go to her house and let her mom know that her daughter refused to come home. Of course, she caught on immediately as we changed direction and declared petulantly that she would run ahead of us and lock herself in her house. She seemed so indignant as she ran ahead and bolted her door. I think she really believed she had outsmarted us. In her attempt to undermine us, she did exactly what we had wanted. She went home. I laughed so hard I thought I would pee my pants.
After getting back, Annie and I spent at least 30 minutes picking up crushed chips from the floor. Then we had chocolate cupcakes, ice cream and whipped cream with 614 leaders. It was sort of a debrief where we talked about discipline issues, squad curriculum and rules. It was productive.
Despite what happened tonight, I still really want to lead a squad, particularly with this age category. I refuse to believe these girls are idiots and can't behave. They are so amazing and have such potential. Not only are they beautiful but they are so intelligent. I could only dream of being as quick witted as some of these girls. They have a comeback for EVERYTHING! The best part about this squad is that these girls have the same taste in music as me. For the first time in four years, I am around people who actually like what I listen to and agree with my musical tastes. When they hear some good reggae they don't cringe and express their distaste with Bob Marley, they get up and shake some ass! A Tupac song is not met with disgust but with sincere admiration. I like these girls and this community because at the heart of who they are, they are real people. They don't have pretense. They are mouthy, difficult and unruly and they're proud of it. You've gotta give them props for that kind of attitude.
I have no idea what I am doing or if I'll be successful as a squad leader but I know with God's help there is hope. Pray for hope for me and that I would act as God would wish. Pray for these amazing girls and that they would know the Father's heart and their immense value. God bless 614!
Tonight they were so loud and obnoxious I thought my head would explode. There were two or three regular girls who attended that were not present last week. These girls were so freakin loud and argumentative that it was difficult to even get them to do simple tasks such as reading a couple sentences from a book or listen to a CD. It was not just their booming voices but the sound of them banging on the table, slamming the door, talking on their cell phones and knocking over their chairs when they wanted to change seats or leave the room. These noisy distractions were compounded by two boys who kept coming by to bother the girls. These two boys would not leave the girls alone and hung around the hallway and lobby areas of the building. At some points they went so far as to disturb the other squad down that hall.
As the evening progressed things just got worse and worse. The dinner made by 614, and I'm being diplomatic here, was less than par and completely unsuitable. The girls refused to eat the pre-made sandwiches and rather than eat the corn chips provided, they proceeded to have a massive food fight. By the time the squad ended, the room was covered with crushed corn chips and with no vacuum in sight, the clean up task seemed daunting. We attempted to get the girls to help us out but it seemed a useless effort.
As we walked home, it became clear how out of control they really were. Upon leaving the building, the two boys and some other girls who had joined us later in the evening took their water bottles (water we had given them might I add) and decided to throw it at a prostitute sitting on the curb. The kids were all over the street running around screaming and yelling. Of the 8 kids with us, only 3 girls had to be escorted home, a request made by their parents. This proved rather difficult as they would not listen to reason and would not obey. I didn't get frustrated, I just sat there and let them do what they wanted. How on earth am I going to control a 15 year old determined to undermine me and do exactly the opposite of what I say? On top of that, the girls we had to escort home were big girls. Can you imagine me, tiny as a stick, trying to get them home before their curfews by means of intimidation and attitude? I've got to admit, I have some sass but not that much to actually follow through with serious action. These girls are tough. I'm such a suburban middle class white girl!
Finally 2 of the 3 girls went home. The last girl refused to listen to us so we decided to go to her house and let her mom know that her daughter refused to come home. Of course, she caught on immediately as we changed direction and declared petulantly that she would run ahead of us and lock herself in her house. She seemed so indignant as she ran ahead and bolted her door. I think she really believed she had outsmarted us. In her attempt to undermine us, she did exactly what we had wanted. She went home. I laughed so hard I thought I would pee my pants.
After getting back, Annie and I spent at least 30 minutes picking up crushed chips from the floor. Then we had chocolate cupcakes, ice cream and whipped cream with 614 leaders. It was sort of a debrief where we talked about discipline issues, squad curriculum and rules. It was productive.
Despite what happened tonight, I still really want to lead a squad, particularly with this age category. I refuse to believe these girls are idiots and can't behave. They are so amazing and have such potential. Not only are they beautiful but they are so intelligent. I could only dream of being as quick witted as some of these girls. They have a comeback for EVERYTHING! The best part about this squad is that these girls have the same taste in music as me. For the first time in four years, I am around people who actually like what I listen to and agree with my musical tastes. When they hear some good reggae they don't cringe and express their distaste with Bob Marley, they get up and shake some ass! A Tupac song is not met with disgust but with sincere admiration. I like these girls and this community because at the heart of who they are, they are real people. They don't have pretense. They are mouthy, difficult and unruly and they're proud of it. You've gotta give them props for that kind of attitude.
I have no idea what I am doing or if I'll be successful as a squad leader but I know with God's help there is hope. Pray for hope for me and that I would act as God would wish. Pray for these amazing girls and that they would know the Father's heart and their immense value. God bless 614!
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Venting
I know I shouldn't do it, but I will. Below is a list of things that pissed me off today.
1) People who ask you out and are secretly married
Don't pretend to be single when you're not because eventually the truth will come out. For example: I answer the phone at work and end up taking a message from said persons wife. What the?!
2) People who take advantage of you
After working a 12 hour double shift (retarded) management insist that I stay late (when it's dead, might I add) to fold linen (stupidity) when they know I made plans. Which incidentally, I had to cancel b/c I was cut so freakin late.
3) People who don't bathe regularly
OK, that's just gross and very, very unappealing
4)Freaky men in TTC stations
I swear, everytime I take public transit there usually ends up being some wacko nearby. Either he's heckling people for change or either he's yelling profanities or some other such nonesense. For once, I would like to sit on the TTC for a full trip and not be bothered by some random idiot. I shouldn't call them idiots because they're most likely mentally ill (how politically correct of me).
5) Constant smiling
If I hear someone ask me to smile and "put on my game face" one more time, I swear I'm going to freak. After working several hours today I think my face is gonna fall off (yeah, that makes no sense. Meh... it's my blog, so suck it up or go somewhere else and read). What's wrong with a monotone greeting? Really?
6)Odor Eaters that don't work
I bought odor eaters last week to get rid of my work/shoe stink and they're not working. They're supposedly guaranteed to work for at least six months. I beg to differ, people! Maybe I just overly sweat? Whatever the case, my feet smell like... they just smell really really awful.
7)People who don't do their job (ie: lazy asses)
I ended up clearing/bussing tables tonight because the busser wouldn't do it. Oddly enough, bussers get tipped out more than I do. grrr....
8) Very cute and stylish boys who are so obviously gay.
What a waste :(
9) Pedophiles
Don't even ask how this came up today. Unfortunately it did and I want to ralph whenever I think of such perverted comments and the people who make them.
10) I have a bad cold. I'm not even sure if it's a cold but it's driving me nuts. I keep sneezing and my nose is so runny I feel like it's a leaky faucet. What's worse is all this wiping is causing my nose to chap. Eww... yuck.
Bah...
I'm such a complainer.
1) People who ask you out and are secretly married
Don't pretend to be single when you're not because eventually the truth will come out. For example: I answer the phone at work and end up taking a message from said persons wife. What the?!
2) People who take advantage of you
After working a 12 hour double shift (retarded) management insist that I stay late (when it's dead, might I add) to fold linen (stupidity) when they know I made plans. Which incidentally, I had to cancel b/c I was cut so freakin late.
3) People who don't bathe regularly
OK, that's just gross and very, very unappealing
4)Freaky men in TTC stations
I swear, everytime I take public transit there usually ends up being some wacko nearby. Either he's heckling people for change or either he's yelling profanities or some other such nonesense. For once, I would like to sit on the TTC for a full trip and not be bothered by some random idiot. I shouldn't call them idiots because they're most likely mentally ill (how politically correct of me).
5) Constant smiling
If I hear someone ask me to smile and "put on my game face" one more time, I swear I'm going to freak. After working several hours today I think my face is gonna fall off (yeah, that makes no sense. Meh... it's my blog, so suck it up or go somewhere else and read). What's wrong with a monotone greeting? Really?
6)Odor Eaters that don't work
I bought odor eaters last week to get rid of my work/shoe stink and they're not working. They're supposedly guaranteed to work for at least six months. I beg to differ, people! Maybe I just overly sweat? Whatever the case, my feet smell like... they just smell really really awful.
7)People who don't do their job (ie: lazy asses)
I ended up clearing/bussing tables tonight because the busser wouldn't do it. Oddly enough, bussers get tipped out more than I do. grrr....
8) Very cute and stylish boys who are so obviously gay.
What a waste :(
9) Pedophiles
Don't even ask how this came up today. Unfortunately it did and I want to ralph whenever I think of such perverted comments and the people who make them.
10) I have a bad cold. I'm not even sure if it's a cold but it's driving me nuts. I keep sneezing and my nose is so runny I feel like it's a leaky faucet. What's worse is all this wiping is causing my nose to chap. Eww... yuck.
Bah...
I'm such a complainer.
Monday, March 05, 2007
I don't get it?
I am happy with my current state of relationship. So why, when I am finally satisfied with the way things are going, do people show up and like to mess up my groove? I have a good thing going and BAM all of a sudden people walk into my life and tempt me. They tempt me to do things I would never do and worst of all, they tempt me away from being loyal. Just so you know, I will not be swayed
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
unhappy
I've had a rough couple of days. Since my last post it appears that every little thing in my life has gone wrong. First, I experienced some horrible cell phone problems: my cell battery wouldn't last more than an hour, my voice mail would not record messages and my cell phone would not ring leading me to miss a succession of important phone calls from friends and family. I was going to get a new cell phone last Thursday, but when I didn't receive my package, I called FIDO. Apparently my phone order had never been inputted into their system thus my new phone had never been ordered. I then discovered that all the information and quotes the first sales person had quoted me were completely incorrect and that I had to undergo the entire process again. I was rather frustrated to say the least.
Then I discovered our oven wasn't working. For some reason it would not turn on which caused me great frustration considering I had just bought a crap load of groceries to make various baking recipes. Then I discovered our microwave was not working. This occurred when I needed to make a quick oatmeal breakfast before working a crazy 8 hour shift at about 7:30am. Of course the phone problems made it rather difficult to call my landlord regarding the stove and a repairman regarding the microwave. This was all compounded by the fact that my family was calling constantly in a worried and angry frenzy to express their distaste for my serious lack of phone etiquette.
Meanwhile, my laptop proceeded to crash suddenly. I assumed I had a virus so I erased ALL my files trying to reformat (probably not the wisest decision). I realized there was a major issue when windows would not reinstall. I took it to get fixed and was told that if there was a hardware problem other than the hard-drive I would have to send it off to HP for a minimal fee of $450. Considering my warranty just finished, I was quite upset by this news. In an attempt to help me, the computer repair guy diagnosed my laptop and found that nothing was indeed wrong with the hard-drive(sp?) and assumed I had just reformatted my computer incorrectly. The diagnostic cost me $45 and to top things off I was late for work. When I got home after working my 7 hour closing shift, I spent 4 hours reformatting my computer, staying up late into the early hours of the morning to reload all my programs and drivers. Upon waking up the next morning my lappy crashed again. I took it back to the computer repair place only to have them discover that the RAM chip I had purchased from them was defective. I was not impressed.
To top this all off, I had a humongous fight with my mom Friday night and have been working non-stop since last Saturday. More accurately, I have been working for over ten days straight. Upon arriving at work tonight all my colleagues, including the two on-duty managers and the owner, asked if I was okay. I must of looked like death because Andrew (the owner) decided to give me the day off tomorrow, which I will use to do laundry, fill out two job applications, clean my room and hang out with my grandmother. I think I might even attend an Al-Anon meeting.
To add to all this stress, I have been having a spiritual crisis as of late where I have been dealing with serious questions about God, His grace and His character. Perhaps I am coming to grips with my skewed and distorted image of God or maybe I am just at a point in my spiritual growth where I am beginning to define what a relationship with God really means. Regardless, this whole experience is exhausting, lonely and terrifying. The only person I feel I can relate to is an ex-boyfriend. I want to call him but I am petrified he'll think I'm emotionally unloading on him. I am also afraid of being that vulnerable with him. Who knows what I'll feel like after we talk (if I ever get enough balls to call him). Secretly (well, not anymore) I am never sure how I feel about him. Some days my emotions regarding our friendship seem clear and stable but other days I am filled with confusion. At times, I blame the loss of our relationship entirely on myself. That whole bit makes me teary.
Emotionally, I am all over the place and I just... I just need someone who will listen to me; someone who will be open to letting me rant and rave about the difficulties I am presently experiencing and then just encourage me. And when I say listen, I mean genuinely listen. I've realized lately that so many people just half-ass listen. They inquire but their inquiry is so shallow and when it comes down to it, their interest is fleeting. The average person will inquire, but only expect a short pat answer, which is usually followed by a quick response or suggestion. If it's a Christian, it's usually some cliched statement or casual suggestion followed by a quick prayer and then their focus returns to their own life. I am beginning to believe the only person who will care for you is yourself because others are so wrapped up in the daily going-ons of their own lives. It's not that I want to lament about the selfishness of humanity or pinpoint the mistakes of others. We're all broken and self-focused. I guess it's just nice when someone truly listens and sincerely empathizes. I admit, I need to work on this too.
Oh, did I also mention I got my rag too? Yeah, I've been overly emotional, extremely PMSy, crampy and pimply (AGAIN!). Damn hormones!
Then I discovered our oven wasn't working. For some reason it would not turn on which caused me great frustration considering I had just bought a crap load of groceries to make various baking recipes. Then I discovered our microwave was not working. This occurred when I needed to make a quick oatmeal breakfast before working a crazy 8 hour shift at about 7:30am. Of course the phone problems made it rather difficult to call my landlord regarding the stove and a repairman regarding the microwave. This was all compounded by the fact that my family was calling constantly in a worried and angry frenzy to express their distaste for my serious lack of phone etiquette.
Meanwhile, my laptop proceeded to crash suddenly. I assumed I had a virus so I erased ALL my files trying to reformat (probably not the wisest decision). I realized there was a major issue when windows would not reinstall. I took it to get fixed and was told that if there was a hardware problem other than the hard-drive I would have to send it off to HP for a minimal fee of $450. Considering my warranty just finished, I was quite upset by this news. In an attempt to help me, the computer repair guy diagnosed my laptop and found that nothing was indeed wrong with the hard-drive(sp?) and assumed I had just reformatted my computer incorrectly. The diagnostic cost me $45 and to top things off I was late for work. When I got home after working my 7 hour closing shift, I spent 4 hours reformatting my computer, staying up late into the early hours of the morning to reload all my programs and drivers. Upon waking up the next morning my lappy crashed again. I took it back to the computer repair place only to have them discover that the RAM chip I had purchased from them was defective. I was not impressed.
To top this all off, I had a humongous fight with my mom Friday night and have been working non-stop since last Saturday. More accurately, I have been working for over ten days straight. Upon arriving at work tonight all my colleagues, including the two on-duty managers and the owner, asked if I was okay. I must of looked like death because Andrew (the owner) decided to give me the day off tomorrow, which I will use to do laundry, fill out two job applications, clean my room and hang out with my grandmother. I think I might even attend an Al-Anon meeting.
To add to all this stress, I have been having a spiritual crisis as of late where I have been dealing with serious questions about God, His grace and His character. Perhaps I am coming to grips with my skewed and distorted image of God or maybe I am just at a point in my spiritual growth where I am beginning to define what a relationship with God really means. Regardless, this whole experience is exhausting, lonely and terrifying. The only person I feel I can relate to is an ex-boyfriend. I want to call him but I am petrified he'll think I'm emotionally unloading on him. I am also afraid of being that vulnerable with him. Who knows what I'll feel like after we talk (if I ever get enough balls to call him). Secretly (well, not anymore) I am never sure how I feel about him. Some days my emotions regarding our friendship seem clear and stable but other days I am filled with confusion. At times, I blame the loss of our relationship entirely on myself. That whole bit makes me teary.
Emotionally, I am all over the place and I just... I just need someone who will listen to me; someone who will be open to letting me rant and rave about the difficulties I am presently experiencing and then just encourage me. And when I say listen, I mean genuinely listen. I've realized lately that so many people just half-ass listen. They inquire but their inquiry is so shallow and when it comes down to it, their interest is fleeting. The average person will inquire, but only expect a short pat answer, which is usually followed by a quick response or suggestion. If it's a Christian, it's usually some cliched statement or casual suggestion followed by a quick prayer and then their focus returns to their own life. I am beginning to believe the only person who will care for you is yourself because others are so wrapped up in the daily going-ons of their own lives. It's not that I want to lament about the selfishness of humanity or pinpoint the mistakes of others. We're all broken and self-focused. I guess it's just nice when someone truly listens and sincerely empathizes. I admit, I need to work on this too.
Oh, did I also mention I got my rag too? Yeah, I've been overly emotional, extremely PMSy, crampy and pimply (AGAIN!). Damn hormones!
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
a little bit of this... a little bit of that
So, life has been ho hum as of late. Nothing in particular to note except for a few random events/conversations/happenings, which made me happy.
1)Rob Jefferson
I talked to him last night at church. It was nice because we actually chatted naturally. If any of you know Rob, one of his most hilarious qualities is to make ridiculous claims/statements and attempt to defend them. For example: I mentioned that I wanted to attend the David Suzuki/Stephen Lewis event and he went on this ridiculous rant about how Stephen Lewis was crazy, irrational and an "unsupportable person". I found this rather shocking considering Lewis' reputation, prominence and extensive advocacy work for those suffering from HIV/AIDS. I attempted to point out that perhaps he was referring to Chomsky, but I was rebuffed with a fiery retort of... how should I say this... well, it was basically a barrage of conservative rantings (which probably came from the National Post) about how Lewis was anti-American and clueless in regards to the complex relationship between government and business. I laughed but didn't retaliate (I've gotten used to it by now). We went on to discuss Bush, the upcoming US election, Mulroney (barf), condos, university degrees and whose degree was better (I so obviously win, I went to UofT) and other silly random things. I guess the whole point of this long-drawn out paragraph is to say that I thoroughly enjoy Rob Jefferson. My goodness his weirdness makes me laugh.
2)Val
I absolutely adore Valerie Dovell! So much so that if I was a good looking boy, who played in a band, wore skinny jeans and had crazy hair and scruff, I would chose her to be my wife. Seriously, she is so hilarious and cute. I love the way we chat, her sweet laugh and all the fun and silly things we talk about (mostly work related).
3)Job apps.
I applied to Amnesty International for a post in Eastern Africa. It took me FOREVER! Actually, it took me all night. I pulled an all-nighter to apply to an NGO, an NGO which will probably never respond to my application. I wonder, what's the point of applying for jobs when I know over 80% of my applications will go unnoticed. You're probably wondering how in the world this terrible statistic (one I made up, might I add) would be something to be happy about. It feels good to apply for something. Just the fact that I stuck it out (all frickin 9 hours of it) and applied makes me feel proud. At least I tried and that's what counts.
4)The gym
I joined a gym today. It's called Fitness One and I got a pretty good deal. They offer a wide range of fitness classes and they even provide you with a personal trainer. I think this is pretty snazzy. What I found most interesting is that the person doing my orientation as well as all the staff were male. This is rather odd considering it's an all women fitness club. After mentioning this general observation, the gentleman assisting me became rather uncomfortable and to compensate, began to crack really weird sexist jokes. Does anyone else find it odd that primarily male staff are running a women's fitness centre?
5)Skinny jeans
Today for the first time ever, I tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I must say, I looked hot. What's even more surprising is that I am considering buying a pair. I never dreamed I would ever do such a thing, but they just looked so good. Heather and Petey will be pleasantly surprised.
6)Saving money and avoiding fashion suicide
After trying on several pairs of skinny jeans with cool new shoes and other flashy accessories, I decided to buy them. I went to use my Visa card but my refund from another purchase had not been put back on my card yet and so it was declined (how embarrassing). I proceeded to use my debit card only to have that declined for some unknown reason. Some would say that God was working to stop me from over-zealously spending my money in the typical conspicuous fashion of the average North American. I say, God was really preventing me from buying skinny jeans as it is only a short-lived trend which will be over by the end of 2007.
7)New cell phone
My new cell phone is arriving on Thursday. New technology and thingybobbers make me smile. I will also be pleased to talk on my cell phone for more than an hour without my battery dying. Nokias suck.
8)Lunch
I made a super-duper fantastic lunch for tomorrow. It's gonna be a good one (yum). I also made lunch for Annie. And tomorrow morning I'm making a pancake breakfast. I am SUCH a good roomie.
9)Visitors
I found out Ade is coming to TO on Sunday. Fun fun fun!
10)My appointment
I've had several people inquire about my previous post. To answer your questions...
No, I am not pregnant;
No, I did not get an operation;
No, I did not elope (ah ha ha, I wish);
No, I didn't irreparably burn and scar my face or have defunct palstic surgery (thanx Meg);
No, unfortunately I am not adopted and didn't find my other family. But wouldn't it be cool if I did and they were gloriously and wonderfully rich? All my dreams could come true (choke);
And no, it wasn't a "big" thing except to me.
Rest assured, nothing super significant occurred. I guess I was just trying to describe (as accurately as possible) my emotional state regarding a particular conversation I was going to have. I will not elaborate on here for the sake of privacy, but I will say this: since last week, I have felt much freedom and peace. It has been absolutely wonderful. If you really really want to know, call me and I'll tell you. That being the case, some of you need to get out more.
11)Decreasing amounts of pimples
My face is finally clearing up. For some odd reason during the month of January I experienced a zit explosion. I basically looked like shit for four weeks. Thank goodness it's improving and just in time for Valentine's Day too. It's not that it really matters anyway because I'll be spending V-Day at work and then coming home alone (no, I'm not bitter).
12)Abercrombie
I jokingly asked a gay guy out at work and I think he thinks I'm serious. Since then, he frequently attempts to flirt with me. That makes me laugh.
13) And finally...
English muffins with homemade Jam. Mmm... I'm gonna have one right now :)
That is all.
Nighty night.
1)Rob Jefferson
I talked to him last night at church. It was nice because we actually chatted naturally. If any of you know Rob, one of his most hilarious qualities is to make ridiculous claims/statements and attempt to defend them. For example: I mentioned that I wanted to attend the David Suzuki/Stephen Lewis event and he went on this ridiculous rant about how Stephen Lewis was crazy, irrational and an "unsupportable person". I found this rather shocking considering Lewis' reputation, prominence and extensive advocacy work for those suffering from HIV/AIDS. I attempted to point out that perhaps he was referring to Chomsky, but I was rebuffed with a fiery retort of... how should I say this... well, it was basically a barrage of conservative rantings (which probably came from the National Post) about how Lewis was anti-American and clueless in regards to the complex relationship between government and business. I laughed but didn't retaliate (I've gotten used to it by now). We went on to discuss Bush, the upcoming US election, Mulroney (barf), condos, university degrees and whose degree was better (I so obviously win, I went to UofT) and other silly random things. I guess the whole point of this long-drawn out paragraph is to say that I thoroughly enjoy Rob Jefferson. My goodness his weirdness makes me laugh.
2)Val
I absolutely adore Valerie Dovell! So much so that if I was a good looking boy, who played in a band, wore skinny jeans and had crazy hair and scruff, I would chose her to be my wife. Seriously, she is so hilarious and cute. I love the way we chat, her sweet laugh and all the fun and silly things we talk about (mostly work related).
3)Job apps.
I applied to Amnesty International for a post in Eastern Africa. It took me FOREVER! Actually, it took me all night. I pulled an all-nighter to apply to an NGO, an NGO which will probably never respond to my application. I wonder, what's the point of applying for jobs when I know over 80% of my applications will go unnoticed. You're probably wondering how in the world this terrible statistic (one I made up, might I add) would be something to be happy about. It feels good to apply for something. Just the fact that I stuck it out (all frickin 9 hours of it) and applied makes me feel proud. At least I tried and that's what counts.
4)The gym
I joined a gym today. It's called Fitness One and I got a pretty good deal. They offer a wide range of fitness classes and they even provide you with a personal trainer. I think this is pretty snazzy. What I found most interesting is that the person doing my orientation as well as all the staff were male. This is rather odd considering it's an all women fitness club. After mentioning this general observation, the gentleman assisting me became rather uncomfortable and to compensate, began to crack really weird sexist jokes. Does anyone else find it odd that primarily male staff are running a women's fitness centre?
5)Skinny jeans
Today for the first time ever, I tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I must say, I looked hot. What's even more surprising is that I am considering buying a pair. I never dreamed I would ever do such a thing, but they just looked so good. Heather and Petey will be pleasantly surprised.
6)Saving money and avoiding fashion suicide
After trying on several pairs of skinny jeans with cool new shoes and other flashy accessories, I decided to buy them. I went to use my Visa card but my refund from another purchase had not been put back on my card yet and so it was declined (how embarrassing). I proceeded to use my debit card only to have that declined for some unknown reason. Some would say that God was working to stop me from over-zealously spending my money in the typical conspicuous fashion of the average North American. I say, God was really preventing me from buying skinny jeans as it is only a short-lived trend which will be over by the end of 2007.
7)New cell phone
My new cell phone is arriving on Thursday. New technology and thingybobbers make me smile. I will also be pleased to talk on my cell phone for more than an hour without my battery dying. Nokias suck.
8)Lunch
I made a super-duper fantastic lunch for tomorrow. It's gonna be a good one (yum). I also made lunch for Annie. And tomorrow morning I'm making a pancake breakfast. I am SUCH a good roomie.
9)Visitors
I found out Ade is coming to TO on Sunday. Fun fun fun!
10)My appointment
I've had several people inquire about my previous post. To answer your questions...
No, I am not pregnant;
No, I did not get an operation;
No, I did not elope (ah ha ha, I wish);
No, I didn't irreparably burn and scar my face or have defunct palstic surgery (thanx Meg);
No, unfortunately I am not adopted and didn't find my other family. But wouldn't it be cool if I did and they were gloriously and wonderfully rich? All my dreams could come true (choke);
And no, it wasn't a "big" thing except to me.
Rest assured, nothing super significant occurred. I guess I was just trying to describe (as accurately as possible) my emotional state regarding a particular conversation I was going to have. I will not elaborate on here for the sake of privacy, but I will say this: since last week, I have felt much freedom and peace. It has been absolutely wonderful. If you really really want to know, call me and I'll tell you. That being the case, some of you need to get out more.
11)Decreasing amounts of pimples
My face is finally clearing up. For some odd reason during the month of January I experienced a zit explosion. I basically looked like shit for four weeks. Thank goodness it's improving and just in time for Valentine's Day too. It's not that it really matters anyway because I'll be spending V-Day at work and then coming home alone (no, I'm not bitter).
12)Abercrombie
I jokingly asked a gay guy out at work and I think he thinks I'm serious. Since then, he frequently attempts to flirt with me. That makes me laugh.
13) And finally...
English muffins with homemade Jam. Mmm... I'm gonna have one right now :)
That is all.
Nighty night.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
dread
I have a very important appointment tomorrow. I've known about it for awhile, but now I can actually feel it coming, feel it in my heart, in my stomach, in the deeps of myself. I can barely breath.
Right now everything is fine. I am okay, but tomorrow, tomorrow I may be totally different. I could be worse. My mind could be a wreck of thoughts. My emotions could be uncontrollable. My pain could be intense. Or I could be better. My senses calmed and my worries relieved. My heart could sore with love and joy.
This terrifies and excites me all at the same time.
Secretly I want to avoid what's coming, no matter what the result but I can't put it off. No matter what happens, I'll have to deal with the consequences of tomorrow. It's inevitable.
So... I'll face it. Feel everything there is to feel and deal with it all straight up.
I don't want to do this but I must. My curiosity is killing me.
How I wish I didn't make that appointment. My regret will be unbearable.
Oh Lord, help me.
Right now everything is fine. I am okay, but tomorrow, tomorrow I may be totally different. I could be worse. My mind could be a wreck of thoughts. My emotions could be uncontrollable. My pain could be intense. Or I could be better. My senses calmed and my worries relieved. My heart could sore with love and joy.
This terrifies and excites me all at the same time.
Secretly I want to avoid what's coming, no matter what the result but I can't put it off. No matter what happens, I'll have to deal with the consequences of tomorrow. It's inevitable.
So... I'll face it. Feel everything there is to feel and deal with it all straight up.
I don't want to do this but I must. My curiosity is killing me.
How I wish I didn't make that appointment. My regret will be unbearable.
Oh Lord, help me.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Random stupidity
Recently I've had a string of days where I just say the stupidest things to people and then feel utter embarrassment after the fact. If they didn't know me, which usually ends up being the case, I wouldn't be surprised if they thought me rather daft. Sometimes as I am talking, my inner self (in a daily dialogue) realizes the stupidity of what's coming out of my mouth, but is powerless to stop. For example, the other day while working in the back kitchen I noticed one of the kitchen staff cutting up some meat (mmm... beef). I guess he saw my expression of delight and asked if I liked meat. I responded with a strong yes. I wanted to say something further about how I would eat it all the time, but for some reason some horrid remark about constipation came out. I don't know what I was trying to say but the result has been rather unfortunate. Dude hasn't talked to me since Wednesday night and some of the kitchen guys look at me like I have a foot growing out of my head.
This thoughtlessness seems to be happening mostly at work. I'll bring someone to their table and rather than tell them to enjoy their meal, I'll say goodnight and abruptly leave. Or when I have a wait list, instead of calling out the patron names, I'll call out staff names instead. I feel like I'm having a brain fart or something. What's even worse is that sometimes I don't even know what was said. Tonight I was attempting to bring someone from the bar to their table and the person who I was chatting with had the strangest reaction, almost as if I had said something terribly offensive. I felt like I had missed something so I actually asked her if there was a problem and her response was that I was "a weird little person"(what the?).
I've had this type of thing happen before. It only lasted a few days but it caused me some minor embarrassment, particularly in the dating/crushing department. When I was in second year (Rachel, you'll love this story) I had a humongous crush on a boy named Tim Fairgreive(sp?). If anyone from Vic reads this blog, he used to be the manager of the Cat's Eye. Anywho, I was madly in love with Tim and wanted to get his attention. So when I heard he was a member of the International Relations Society, I decided to join. I couldn't possibly attend a meeting alone so I brought along my trusty good guy friend, Steve Haye (crazy tall gangly guy with bright red curly hair). Again, for those from Vic, Steve was the editor-in-chief of the Strand.
As we sit through this boring meeting, Steve concocts a wonderful cunning plan that will allow me to talk to my love interest. As the meeting concludes, Steve would approach Tim and start up a conversation with him and then I would join them. After some brief moments of talking together Steve would then leave and chat with my nemesis, Reem (who also had a crush on Tim) so I could chat with my crush without interruption or distraction.
Everything was going well. In fact, the plan was unfolding perfectly. Steve and I were chatting away with Tim. Of course, he asked why I was attending the meeting as he had not seen me there before and I told him that IR was my major. To make a joke (and to show him how witty I really was (laugh, choke)) I said the real reason I had attended the meeting was because my "hot and handsome" friend, Steve, was attending. To make my joke so much the better, I decided to say, "Oh Steve, you're so dreamy!" Here comes the brain fart. Rather than say Steve, I said Tim and when I realized what I had said, I actually stopped mid-sentence. So, what came out in full was, "Oh Tim". Of course, Steve told all my friends, who for the remainder of the year would yell out in a whimsical manner, "Oh Tim!" whenever I was around.
Anyways, the point of all this nonsense is that I have to get control of my impulsive nature. I've always been rather impetuous. So much so that when I decide to be wise and make a decision, I'll always end up doing the exact opposite in a rash manner (i.e. summer 2006). Maybe I'm setting myself up? Whatever it is, at present, it seems to have caused some minor humiliation and good entertainment for my friends and co-workers. Let's hope it passes soon.
This thoughtlessness seems to be happening mostly at work. I'll bring someone to their table and rather than tell them to enjoy their meal, I'll say goodnight and abruptly leave. Or when I have a wait list, instead of calling out the patron names, I'll call out staff names instead. I feel like I'm having a brain fart or something. What's even worse is that sometimes I don't even know what was said. Tonight I was attempting to bring someone from the bar to their table and the person who I was chatting with had the strangest reaction, almost as if I had said something terribly offensive. I felt like I had missed something so I actually asked her if there was a problem and her response was that I was "a weird little person"(what the?).
I've had this type of thing happen before. It only lasted a few days but it caused me some minor embarrassment, particularly in the dating/crushing department. When I was in second year (Rachel, you'll love this story) I had a humongous crush on a boy named Tim Fairgreive(sp?). If anyone from Vic reads this blog, he used to be the manager of the Cat's Eye. Anywho, I was madly in love with Tim and wanted to get his attention. So when I heard he was a member of the International Relations Society, I decided to join. I couldn't possibly attend a meeting alone so I brought along my trusty good guy friend, Steve Haye (crazy tall gangly guy with bright red curly hair). Again, for those from Vic, Steve was the editor-in-chief of the Strand.
As we sit through this boring meeting, Steve concocts a wonderful cunning plan that will allow me to talk to my love interest. As the meeting concludes, Steve would approach Tim and start up a conversation with him and then I would join them. After some brief moments of talking together Steve would then leave and chat with my nemesis, Reem (who also had a crush on Tim) so I could chat with my crush without interruption or distraction.
Everything was going well. In fact, the plan was unfolding perfectly. Steve and I were chatting away with Tim. Of course, he asked why I was attending the meeting as he had not seen me there before and I told him that IR was my major. To make a joke (and to show him how witty I really was (laugh, choke)) I said the real reason I had attended the meeting was because my "hot and handsome" friend, Steve, was attending. To make my joke so much the better, I decided to say, "Oh Steve, you're so dreamy!" Here comes the brain fart. Rather than say Steve, I said Tim and when I realized what I had said, I actually stopped mid-sentence. So, what came out in full was, "Oh Tim". Of course, Steve told all my friends, who for the remainder of the year would yell out in a whimsical manner, "Oh Tim!" whenever I was around.
Anyways, the point of all this nonsense is that I have to get control of my impulsive nature. I've always been rather impetuous. So much so that when I decide to be wise and make a decision, I'll always end up doing the exact opposite in a rash manner (i.e. summer 2006). Maybe I'm setting myself up? Whatever it is, at present, it seems to have caused some minor humiliation and good entertainment for my friends and co-workers. Let's hope it passes soon.
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