laah-vo-lee

I just finished seeing the Taj Mahal and I must say, I am impressed. I still can't believe I actually saw it, touched it and smelled it. It seems so surreal. Since leaving Kolkata this whole country seems like a dream. It's so beautiful and magical. I wish I could write more eloquently to describe what I have seen. I will have to post some pictures when I have some more time, maybe in Norwich.

We left Tuesday from Varanassi and took an overnight train to Agra. From there Elissa, Ana (a Dutch girl we met) and I travelled to Fatehpur Sikri, just an hour away. I have never seen such a beautiful place. It's this ancient city on a hill, which overlooks meadows and fields for miles and miles. There is this giant sandstone mosque at the top, which is an exact replica of the mosque at Mecca. Surrounding the mosque is a palace which housed Emperor Akbar and his three wives. Most of the ancient city is in ruins but the palace is completely intact and gorgeous. I took so many pictures.

Later on that night we were entertained by the manager/owner of our hotel. It was uh, quite interesting. He had hired a man to play the drums and was singing all these songs in Hindi and then attempting to translate them. It was so hilarious. He was making us get up and dance and telling us that he loved us. I thought he was being so welcoming (in a weird way) but soon discovered that he was intoxicated. I wish I had known this prior to getting up and dancing with him. He was all over me and Ana. He actually hit on her and asked her to come over to his room later. We were all completely shocked and totally grossed out.

This morning we left Fatehpur and came into Agra on a bus. It was a loud ride. Everything in India is loud; their cars, their horns, their cows. After arriving at our hotel, we went up to the roof and from there we could see the Taj. It's so beautiful. Our plans for tonight are to sit on the roof top patio and have dinner and drinks and watch the sun set over that amazing monument. It's going to be great! I can't wait.

trains, cows and stress

We are now in Varanassi. It's been a rough couple of days. We (Josh and Elissa) left early from Darjeeling on the 22nd at 9am and did not get into Varanassi until yesterday at 2pm. I was so dehydrated and tired. The reason for our long journey was that we could not catch a train directly to Varanassi from Siligury, so we had to take a train to Patna. The man at the train station in Varanassi told us we had to take a local train from Patna to Varanassi. So, we arrived in Patna at 4:30am and attempted to board a train at 5:30am to Varanassi. It did not go over well. Just getting on the train was difficult. We had to push our way through with our large bags and I was practically mauled by hundreds of Indian people scrambling to board the train. It was the most frightening experience of my life. I was petrified of being trampled under the train or being unable to get onto the train and separated from my friends. Luckily we all made it on okay and fought to get a seat. Once sitting down we finally had a chance to relax. It was at this point that we discovered that we had gotten on the wrong train and was going in the wrong direction. We got off and had to figure out where we had gone and how to actually get back to Patna and then eventually to Varanassi. Seven hours later, we arrived in Varanassi. I made sure to buy our train tickets to Agra the moment we got in. Everything is planned. We leave tomorrow night at 6:30pm.

Varanassi is not what I expected. We were told it was a really awful city, full of mean people who want to rip you off and take your money. Since being here our experience has been the opposite. Everyone we have spoken to seems to be so pleasant and kind, even helpful. It's been quite a lovely time. Early this morning we took a boat ride on the Ganges and looked at all the pilgrims come down the ghats to bathe in the holy river. After that we took a tour of old Varanassi and looked at some Hindu Temples. This place is full of shrines and temples to Shiva and monkeys. Some of them are totally amazing and so beautiful. It's also the place where most Hindus come to die and experience Moksha, which is when they put your body into the river so you can stop the cycle of reincarnation. This afternoon, we went to the Golden Temple and then to the burning ghat to watch the death ceremony. It was such an unusual sight. First we saw a body being prepared to be placed into the river and then we actually watched the hindu death/cremation ceremony. It's hard to watch. I've never seen this many corpses all in one place. I find Hindusim so intriguing. I want to buy a book about it because it's so complex and confusing. If I can learn about Hinduism then maybe I will have a better understanding of India and the people here.

Today, I had my first "I hate India, get me the fuck out of here" moment. Just after seeing all the burning bodies we walked through old Varanassi attempting to find the main ghat and street. After walking for several minutes I began to feel really sick and dizzy. Old Varanassi is made up of tiny alley ways, which are crowded with people, animals and cyclists. Because Varanassi is a holy city, cows are everywhere and as a result, so is manure. It's in huge smelly piles on the street and when in tight spaces it tends to gets really stinky. Anyways, I was getting super sick and completely clastrophobic. We finally found the street and it's packed with Hindu pilgrims on a parade down to the Ganges. It seems that tomorrow is the first day of a huge festival devoted to Shiva. So, not only are there already enough people in Varanassi on a regular day, it's now packed with other Indian people coming to do a pilgrimage. I'd like to remind people that when I say packed, I mean it. Think about how many people live in this country and imagine when they all congregate for a religious celebration. Anywho, we were completely surrounded by yelling Hindus in brightly coloured clothes, as well as being bombarded by auto-rikshaws, cars and cyclists. At this time I thought my head would explode with all the noise from the cars and chants. Just on my verge of insanity, Josh saw some other Canadians and decided to seize the moment to say hello. It was at this point that I was rear-ended by a cow. I think it must have been a male cow or something because it had horns and was huge. Ok I'm probably over-exaggerating, it really didn't rear end me, but gave me a little nugde. When I turned to see who/what touched me, I freaked out.

At that moment, I basically started to walk quickly up the street. I had to do something to get away from all the noise. By the time Josh found me, I was all flustered and upset. If any of you know me, you can well imagine how profane and pissed off I was. All is better now though. I am in an internet cafe with a cool air conditioned breeze on my face. Sometimes I don't know how to deal with life. I just get so upset that the smallest things can cause me to break down. I have been praying for God to help me cope better on this final leg of the trip. I need to be gracious to others, especially Josh, my travel partner. That poor man! I think by the time we're done, he's never going to talk to me again. I can be such a stress mess. Luckily there is only one week left for me in India. I am enjoying it here and am especially looking forward to seeing the Taj Mahal. Let's hope I can survive until Agra.

Darjeeling

I'm sorry I have not posted in so long. Just so everyone knows, I am totally fine and in good spirits. My health is not the greatest as I seemed to have picked up a little parasite. I think its dysentary. Anywho, I am now on medication and feeling better. We arrived in Darjeeling yesterday (Tuesday) which was a day later then we expected because there was a transportation strike in NJP. We ended up staying in this hotel in Siligury for the night until we could take a jeep ride up into the mountains. I love it here!! It's so chill and relaxed compared to Kolkata. I don't think I ever want to go back to an urban centre in India again!! Our hotel is fantastic too!! It's pure luxury compared to the Astoria. I just love sitting in my room and journalling while taking in the mountain air blowing through my windows. It's so fresh here. Our rooms also have bathtubs, which makes me incredibly happy. I love baths and so while here I am planning on bathing like twice a day.

Our debrief sessions have been really intense, at least for me. I am full of emotions regarding so many different things. I could stay in the internet cafe and write it all out but it would cost me a fortune. I will say one thing though, I am dreading coming back to Canada. I feel odd saying that considering how much I miss Canada. I have missed home since landing in Kolkata. Now, I feel like I have so much to face back in Toronto. Some of these issues I have just begun to deal with and they are painful. Everyday I have to look to Jesus to take away my hurt regarding so many things. I think volunteering has taught me so much about relying on God. I have had to rely on God everyday for strength just to be motivated and loving to the patients at Prem Dan. I am gradually getting used to talking to the Lord about every little detail of my life. It's hard and sometimes really tiring. I feel that God is showing me more and more about myself each day. In many ways this trip has been such an affirming experience for me. I really hope to take some of these things back with me to Canada.

Mmm... Pizza Hut

Ok, so last night we went out for dinner at Pizza Hut in honour of Jeremy's 29th birthday and it was SOOOO good!!! The cheese was NOT paneer and I was actually able to safely eat ice cream!! Yay!! After telling the wait staff that our friend was 29, they made him stand up on a chair in front of the entire restaurant and announce that he was celebrating his birthday at Pizza Hut. Then they made him stick his face in a bowl of ice cream followed by a hilarious Indian version of Happy Birthday. I don't think I have ever laughed so hard as I did last night. Well, that was until I saw this guy across the restaurant. He resembled someone I knew, except for the fact that he was Indian. I have to say, I think this looks so much like Luke Minaker. I know he's a lot thinner and of course he's Indian, but the shirt and the gelled hair totally scream LUKE. He was rather confused when Josh asked ( I couldn't ask because I was way too embarrassed and could hardly speak because I was laughing so hard) for a photo, but his family convinced him. The moment I saw this guy it reminded me of Luke, which in turn reminded me of home. Ahhh Canada, I miss you. Um.... I also miss Luke. If you're reading this, I love you.

Note: Please disregard how evil I look in this photo, I was sincerely happy.

fearful anger

Since being in India I have noticed that I am often angry, especially while walking to and from volunteering. At first I thought this was a positive thing. Actually to be honest, I mistook it for being assertive and cautious. Since the very beginning of my time here, I have noticed that men seem to look at me. Ok, the don't just look, they blatantly stare. Sometimes it can be very frightening, especially if they attempt to touch you. This has not happened to me yet, but it has happened to other members of our team and other volunteers. It makes me so pissed off that guys think they can do that here. Sometimes I feel they do things just to make me uncomfortable. For example, the other day while walking to Prem Dan, we had to walk along the train platform. Of course, the platform is packed with people which are mostly men. As I am walking, this man steps directly in front of me and the only way to pass is to his left, pretty much directly next to the moving train. I take evasive action, hoping to avoid the man but as I proceed left, Jackass starts to push me toward the train. By this time, I am really urked that 1) dude is physically touching me; and 2) that he's threatening my life. I promptly push him, not too hard, but hard enough to make him stop. After a few moments, a great sense of pride rushed over me. Since that moment, I have been the bitchiest female westerner on Sudder street. I am tempted to tell off any Indian man I meet if he even looks in my direction. I would tell off a child if I felt threatened. What's really scary is that I am not over- exaggerating. I actually told one guy off the other night for staring at me at the movie theatre. I get this odd sense of satisfaction from doing this. Sometimes I even imagine what I will do when a man does actually grab me. I have thought on several occasions of really kneeing them in the crotch or perhaps grabbing a testicle or two and yanking. I feel badly about this because sometimes I am really mean to genuinely nice people. Only recently have I realized that my anger stems from fear. I am really scared by the way men treat women here. I am constantly watching where men are around me and always surveying my surroundings. The only time I feel truly safe is inside an auto-rickshaw or in my hotel room. (Well, that's not entirely true. The guys at the internet cafe and the chai guy in front of Blue Sky Cafe are quite nice.) I feel as though I am misjudging and making generalizations on a whole group of people.

I have been praying a lot about this, really hoping that God will change my heart about Indian men. I am also praying for protection. If you have the time, please pray for the women of this trip. Pray for their physical, emotional and spiritual protection. Pray that God would give us boldness and courage to speak up when boundaries are crossed. Pray that He would teach and show us how to really love India and all it's people. Also, please pray that I am no longer afraid :) Thanks.

personal revelation

The more I'm in Kolkata, the more I realize that this trip was about God changing me. In some ways I feel so self-centered about that, but in other ways I am so glad. Since my last post I have had a revelation from God. On Thursday, my day off, I was quite upset. I didn't end up doing the things that I had wanted to do. I felt like I had so little time in Kolkata and all I did was rest. I wanted to see so much of the city and was quite pissed off when I discovered that some of my teamates had gone to see the Victoria Memorial without me. I was full of anger and resentment. Now, these feelings of anger do not stem completely from my upset over my day off, but from other things in my life. I was angry about my wasted day, but also angry about broken friendships, about my lack of self- esteem and my constant self-analysis and comparisons. I knew God had been calling me to chat with him about these things, but in my business of volunteering, I had not really made any time to spend with Jesus. Finally, at the end of the day, after I could hardly contain my anger and upset, I went up to the roof of the Astoria and unloaded. It felt so good to cry. Sometimes all I want is for God to take away everything I'm feeling and the other night, he did. He let me unload and gave me some long needed relief. After I had finished, God told me something really important about myself. He told me that I had nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about. For the longest time I have felt so insecure about who I am and so ashamed of myself. I have spent countless hours comparing myself to other people and admiring their good qualities that I completely forgot about my own. So basically, on the roof of a hotel in polluted Kolkata, God told me that I was okay. The only thing I should feel badly about are my sins, which he convicts me of and takes away. Whatever guilt or shame I feel are lies. I could not believe how good it felt to know this. For the first time I no longer have the need to question myself or analyze who I am. I can just be me and not worry.

This to me was a huge deal. It means that I can finally concentrate on others things rather than worry about me and what others think. I have more time to focus on what's important to God and what he wants. Finally, I have some much needed clarity and reassurance. You might even call it sincere confidence. I wonder how many of us are caught up in this cycle of shame and guilt. It's really amazing for God to reveal this to me in India because it seems like such a Western or North American issue. Here the problem is so basic, it's one of survival; food, shelter, water and safety. I don't know what God is going to do with me here or what he is trying to show me, but now, I actually have the time and focus to figure it out.

Kalighat

I spent this afternoon at Kalighat. This was not my first visit, but it was the first tense volunteer experience I have had thus far. I think part of it had to do with the fact that today I was really tired and totally disinterested in volunteering. I arrived and things seemed relaxed and laid-back as usual. I decided from that moment onwards that I would spend my two hours at Kalighat in a relaxed manner. I would sit with people, feed them, bring them their medication etc.... It's funny how God has a sense of humour because from the moment I entered the room, I had major things to do and they were all really yucky. For those of you who are diplomatic and eloquent, I would like to now inform you that I am completely the opposite. Just a slight warning, this post may gross you out. Anywho, back to Kalighat. So I arrive and the first thing I must do is help an elderly woman go to the bathroom. This is not usually a difficult task except for the fact that this woman has a colonoscopy bag and it's completely full and broken. Not only is there feces all over her, she has part of her colon protruding from her belly. I have never seen anything like this before. I feel badly about my reaction. At first I totally gasped and cringed and then all I could do was stare. It was such a shock to see something like this. I attempted to clean her up as best I could, but it was hard because I did not want to damage anything while cleaning her. Furthermore, all the patients around her were holding their noses and calling at me, "Auntie, Auntie, ewww". All this was compounded by this other woman sitting behind me. This woman always wants someone to sit with her and hug her. Often if you walk by she'll grab at your legs or arms and latch on to you. If you're near her she will call your name repeatedly until you acknowledge her. So... not only am I totally grossed out while cleaing up human feces, I'm also absorbing patient complaints about the smell and being heckled. I was rather frustrated to say the least.

This was just the beginning of my two hours volunteering. This type of human body function scenario repeated itself three times. After the third time, I had had it. I decided to take off to the roof and journal for a bit. I was so confused and completely shocked. I've never seen people like this. They are completely helpless and dependent on the Sisters and the volunteers. It's crazy to think what would happen if these people had remained on the street. After my week at Prem Dan I really thought that these women had a bad lot in life. It would be terrible to be stuck in some home with sick and mentally ill people and have nothing to do all day, but lie on a bed. They never go outside or have walks or even have interesting conversation. But after being at Kalighat today, I have to say that these women are SO lucky!!! Compared to some people on the street, they're the ones who are safe and being cared for, even if that care is minimal.

The world is such a scary place and people can be so cruel. It's amazing to think about what Jesus did. The way he loved the poor, the unwanted and the outcasts. It's even more amazing to realize that this person, this God, is a part of me. That's the hardest part, I have such a huge capacity to love and care for others and I don't. It seems impossible at times, especially when I am so wrapped up with myself and distracted by all my own needs and desires. How can I be focused on my life when there is so much suffering going on? Some of these patients have no hope left, they're literally waiting to die; and here I am worrying that I might catch TB or if the French volunteer guy named Fleuron likes Canadian girls who speak French. How can I rationalize this?

flip flops

It feels as though so much has happened since my last post. I'm discovering that my feelings about this place seem to change so quickly. Some times I feel like being here is so worthwhile and other times I want to jump on the next plane back to Canada. Little children approach you on the street to say hello and they're so cute... that is until you find your bag hanging open and your granola bars are missing. It's so hard to interpret people and as a result, I'm never certain about what to expect. For example, yesterday on our walk to Prem Dan, we strolled through this crazy chaotic street market. The people were friendly and open, and we had a great time attempting to speak Hindi and Bengali. Everything seemed fine until we saw a woman and a man walking toward us. The man, quite possibly her husband, was grabbing her arm and pulling her, practically dragging her along the street. The dishevelled and quite ill woman had no choice but to acquiesce to her male companion. As they approached us, we soon observed that this young woman was bleeding heavily from her forehead and that she was coughing up blood. It was a horrible sight and such a contrast to the friendly market scene we had just passed.

Volunteering is a very similar experience. On my first day at Prem Dan I felt like I was the most incompetent person on the planet. Everyone seemed to know what to do and how to interact with the patients. I was so shocked that I basically sat on a bed all day wearing an apron, my rubber gloves and a mask. I could not believe the state of some of these women. Many are elderly and sick and have been turned out by their families, yet others are young and physically disabled and have been abused. It's hard to know what to say and do. How do I love these people? How do I show them that I care? At some points I wasn't even sure if I did care! I felt so cold and uncompassionate. During the prayer time that afternoon, I really felt that perhaps I should not have come to Kolkata. Maybe I misread what God was really saying. Maybe I only came here to satisfy some selfish desire or need. I was so overcome by my feelings of inadequacy that I could barely keep things together over supper.

My second day at Prem Dan was not easy, but it was definitely worth it. Today, for the first time, I really felt love. I was so overcome with it that I took off my retarded rubber gloves and mask and actually hugged and kissed some of the women I was talking with. I can't help it. Some of them are so beautiful and special. I know it's bad, but I have my favorites. There are two sweet and gentle elderly ladies upstairs that have a special place in my heart. They never say a word, but when I approach they look deeply into my eyes and smile. They are so precious and endearing. I still can't believe that I am able to do this. I now know with certainty that God's spirit lives within me. I knew it before intellectually, but now in my heart, I know it's the truth.