fearful anger

Since being in India I have noticed that I am often angry, especially while walking to and from volunteering. At first I thought this was a positive thing. Actually to be honest, I mistook it for being assertive and cautious. Since the very beginning of my time here, I have noticed that men seem to look at me. Ok, the don't just look, they blatantly stare. Sometimes it can be very frightening, especially if they attempt to touch you. This has not happened to me yet, but it has happened to other members of our team and other volunteers. It makes me so pissed off that guys think they can do that here. Sometimes I feel they do things just to make me uncomfortable. For example, the other day while walking to Prem Dan, we had to walk along the train platform. Of course, the platform is packed with people which are mostly men. As I am walking, this man steps directly in front of me and the only way to pass is to his left, pretty much directly next to the moving train. I take evasive action, hoping to avoid the man but as I proceed left, Jackass starts to push me toward the train. By this time, I am really urked that 1) dude is physically touching me; and 2) that he's threatening my life. I promptly push him, not too hard, but hard enough to make him stop. After a few moments, a great sense of pride rushed over me. Since that moment, I have been the bitchiest female westerner on Sudder street. I am tempted to tell off any Indian man I meet if he even looks in my direction. I would tell off a child if I felt threatened. What's really scary is that I am not over- exaggerating. I actually told one guy off the other night for staring at me at the movie theatre. I get this odd sense of satisfaction from doing this. Sometimes I even imagine what I will do when a man does actually grab me. I have thought on several occasions of really kneeing them in the crotch or perhaps grabbing a testicle or two and yanking. I feel badly about this because sometimes I am really mean to genuinely nice people. Only recently have I realized that my anger stems from fear. I am really scared by the way men treat women here. I am constantly watching where men are around me and always surveying my surroundings. The only time I feel truly safe is inside an auto-rickshaw or in my hotel room. (Well, that's not entirely true. The guys at the internet cafe and the chai guy in front of Blue Sky Cafe are quite nice.) I feel as though I am misjudging and making generalizations on a whole group of people.

I have been praying a lot about this, really hoping that God will change my heart about Indian men. I am also praying for protection. If you have the time, please pray for the women of this trip. Pray for their physical, emotional and spiritual protection. Pray that God would give us boldness and courage to speak up when boundaries are crossed. Pray that He would teach and show us how to really love India and all it's people. Also, please pray that I am no longer afraid :) Thanks.