YOU

Worked for nothing it seems
Everything a deception
An imagined illusion
If I had only known
I would have been me FULLY
without worry, without fear, without contemplation
If only... if only

A pretty package
Charming and clever
A chance to be truthful
instead all lies
If you had only known
I would have cared
If only... if only

Now I remember a momentary glimpse
generic but real
Too bad
time to forget
It's hard, so hard
Apathy impossible
Don't think, analyze, remember

YOU
Ugh... you

some pictures

I haven't posted in awhile. I finally figured out how to download my pictures onto my computer so... here are some shots of my boos (Morgan and Lia) and my friend Doreen's birthday. Gosh, she is sooo beautiful!! I love my friends. For all you naughty, dirty and deceitful boys out there... don't even think about it... she's taken (by someone decent and very honourable)!! Anyways, I had a great weekend. I went to a house warming party on Friday night and then on Saturday went out for dinner with Doreen. Sunday after church I had some drinks with Jonathan and Heidi. It was most lovely :)


Doreen and her friend Dima (who is WAY nice by the way)


Me and Doreen


I haven't seen my friend Steph is two years. The last time we saw one another was her wedding day. It was SO good to see her. I finally got to chat with her husband, Blair and he is one of the nicest guy I've ever met.


My boo...Morgan. She's my muffin.


And finally... Lia, the horniest cat known to man. If this baby goes into heat again, I swear Leslie and I will have nervous break downs.

so true...

Fantasy is what they want but reality is what they need

forever frustrated

Why can't people just speak up and be clear? I can never seem to understand this!!! What do you think will happen if you tell the truth? Do you think I'm going to bite your head off? Wait... knowing me I could do that. I take that question back. I guess what I'm trying to say is this... if you just had the guts to be honest you might be surprised by my response. Maybe it's not as bad as you think. Actually, it could be quite positive if you would only just spit it out. This lack of honesty and openess really is hard for me to understand and accept. Whatever happened to good ole communication skills? Isn't it normal for us to talk to one another. And by talking I don't mean surface crap but actually talking about something substantial. Come on, we're human beings, intellectual and spiritual human beings! We gotta be real. This means being vulnerable, which entails being authentic, straight forward and definitely being humble. How can any type of relationship truly exist without these things? I thought that was normal. I'm really starting to question the idea of normalcy. Perhaps it's all imaginary.

Why should I spend my time being frustrated with people who are lacking in their ability to communicate? Why should I fritter away my life consumed by analysis attempting to decipher "what's really going on"? Why am I hoping for people to change?

People don't change, they just get older (quoted by Ian Clarke)

How urksome.

Motown.... my happy songs

Today was a hard day for me. I was really pissed off the entire day, especially before Living Room started. It's amazing how angry I can get. Grrrr...

Anyways, God was so good to me tonight. Jonathan totally realized how I was feeling and thankfully warned everyone as they entered that I was not in a good mood. He then proceeded to put on my "happy music". And if any of you know me, you know that it's something from Motown. Smokey Robinson's Tears of a Clown came on and I have to say, my entire mood changed. It was like I was brainwashed to feel happy when I listen to this stuff. Everytime I hear it I feel so gleeful that all my cares just seem to melt away. I was all into it and of course I promptly asked Jon if I could burn his cd. For some reason he said no. I was quite surprised but agreed that he didn't need to lend it to me. Everyone had a good laugh at my expense. I didn't understand why until they brought out the birthday cake and gave me the cd as a birthday gift. I was thrilled!!! They also gave me the whole Chronicles of Narnia which I plan to start as soon as possible. Jonathan and I have been plnanning to read this over the course of the fall so that we could watch the movie this December. I am SO pumped. After eating raspberry cheesecake (my favourite, compliments of Heidi) they laid hands on me and prayed. It was such a beautiful moment for me. I just felt so loved and cared for.

Living Room has been so great since I got back from India. This summer has been fruitful for many of us. The entire Living room experience has changed drastically. It's wonderful to meet with a group of people who are committed to the same thing: getting closer with the Living God. It was such a blessing tonight. As an act of worship we washed each others feet and then we prayed for each other. I felt so comforted and at peace. Not only that, Jussie prayed for me and it was exactly what I needed. I love it when God's spirit moves and gives people a word in prayer. It's such a blessing!! I realized that over the last year and a half all my frustration and all my agonizing over living room was so worth it to have what I experienced tonight. Sometimes things seem so hard and difficult, but when God gives us a blessing, when things finally get in the right place, all that waiting, all that suffering, it's all worth it. That one little breakthrough (props to Mena)is worth all the pain and hardship.

Amen

"It's like lemon but with lime"

Ah Catherine. My sister. The more I talk to her the more I enjoy her. There are certain things that she does that just make me smile and laugh. Recently she got back from an archeological trip to Alaska and she was telling me about this fantastic guy she met(Supposedly he is going to be her husband. While Catherine was in the UK one of Nana's friends read her fortune and told her that). His name is Lyman (hence the title of this post).All weekend long we joked about his name. In so many ways she reminds me of my dad. He's always joking and having a good time. Sometimes it's weird how similar they are. They both have a habit of saying things aloud randomly for no reason. For example: tomato. ??? Often she'll burst out with some odd noise or some random song. Usually the cat is the object of her song, probably Tissue. Ahh Tissue.... I wish I could explain how much I love Tissue. How can you not love a cat who cries out with ecstasy when you pat her bum? What can I say, we're an extremely unsual and dysfunctional family. Even our cats are messed up. I guess the whole nurture argument rings true in the Howes household.

Anywho, I guess the point of this little blurb is that I love my family. I love my mother for being strong and assertive. I admire her for being bold and forgiving. I respect her because she is such an honourable and Godly woman. I love my father because he's working his life out (or at least attempting to) and really trying to make up for past wrongs. I care deeply for my sister because she is truly an awesome and beautiful young woman. I have such hope for her. In conclusion, I am glad that God ordained all the days of my life before the world was created. I think he set things up just fine:)

busy busy

For someone who had no plans for the long weekend, I certainly have been quite busy. Elaine went to New York and Lastly(but not leastly... compliments of Jonathan Bluks)went away for the weekend to a cottage. They've left me here with no one except the kitty cats. So last night, I decided to have some good friends over for dinner and a movie. Lavle and Jon came over and we watched Troy. I have to say, I am SO not impressed with Brad Pitt anymore. I think it's the whole Angelina thing that's left a bad taste in my mouth. Anywho, during the film Felicity and Lisa came upstairs and ended up watching the rest of the movie with us. Later, the three of us enjoyed some quality girl time.

Today I actually woke up early and had Chai(real Indian chai compliments of me :)and an omelette for breakfast. It was SO yummy. After breakfast I ended up cleaning my whole room and then my highschool friend Doreen came over. We talked about my trip to India and then all about her new guy that she's seeing. After that I went to the CNE with Mena. I love Mena. We always have fun together. We went to all these silly show rooms that were so boring. I made her go into the vegetable and flower section which displayed all the various types of vegetables arranged on plates according to their rank. I think I am in love with the prize winning rhubarb. It was breath taking!! Mena was just about to exclaim her distaste in regards to the lack of creativity of the displays until she came upon the Lavender booth. Recently she seems to be coo coo for Lavender. We spent some time sniffing bags of leaves and various oils.

Later on that night we went to see the Toronto Urban Music Festival, which I have to say was awesome. I wish we had dropped in on it earlier because we caught the last part of Divine Brown. She was so good!! As she finished her last song the fireworks show started and it turned out that we had perfect seats. We chatted and laughed while watching the fireworks and then headed home early in the hopes of avoiding the large crowds. I had such a good time tonight. Tomorrow I am having breakfast with Nick Debrey and then am off to church for set up. After church I get to hang out with Jon and chat about what's been happening with my life. I really am blessed to have the friends that I have. God has been so faithful in providing me with good people to encourage and uplift me. Thanks Jesus, I love you.

what's wrong with me?

Have you ever had those times when you think you've gotten over something and then realize, quite suddenly, that you haven't? Well, that just happened to me. I thought for a few brief moments (actually, it was about six weeks) that I had finally gotten over my insecurities. Thank goodness I was free! I was WRONG! I'm not sure if it's God or just constant over-analysis, but recently something has entered my life which has caused me to feel so insecure and humiliated. Everytime I think about it I shudder and only feel embarrassement. I can't seem to shake it off. No matter how much I tell myself that I am God's child and that I have nothing to worry about, my thoughts always seem to revert back to negative over-analysis. "You're an idiot, what are you doing?" Even now as I write this I'm thinking to myself, "You're too serious, you should write something more entertaining... blah blah blah" I feel like I am constantly attmepting to retrain my thoughts; always working hard to kill that small voice trying to bring me down. What's awful, is that it's affecting EVERYTHING! My friendships and even potential relationships are being put in jeopardy by this stupid stuff. I can't stand it, which makes the whole thing even more frustrating. Last night, while sitting and chatting with a good friend, I actually got so embarrassed that I think he thought I was crying. What's wrong with me?!!!