flip flops

It feels as though so much has happened since my last post. I'm discovering that my feelings about this place seem to change so quickly. Some times I feel like being here is so worthwhile and other times I want to jump on the next plane back to Canada. Little children approach you on the street to say hello and they're so cute... that is until you find your bag hanging open and your granola bars are missing. It's so hard to interpret people and as a result, I'm never certain about what to expect. For example, yesterday on our walk to Prem Dan, we strolled through this crazy chaotic street market. The people were friendly and open, and we had a great time attempting to speak Hindi and Bengali. Everything seemed fine until we saw a woman and a man walking toward us. The man, quite possibly her husband, was grabbing her arm and pulling her, practically dragging her along the street. The dishevelled and quite ill woman had no choice but to acquiesce to her male companion. As they approached us, we soon observed that this young woman was bleeding heavily from her forehead and that she was coughing up blood. It was a horrible sight and such a contrast to the friendly market scene we had just passed.

Volunteering is a very similar experience. On my first day at Prem Dan I felt like I was the most incompetent person on the planet. Everyone seemed to know what to do and how to interact with the patients. I was so shocked that I basically sat on a bed all day wearing an apron, my rubber gloves and a mask. I could not believe the state of some of these women. Many are elderly and sick and have been turned out by their families, yet others are young and physically disabled and have been abused. It's hard to know what to say and do. How do I love these people? How do I show them that I care? At some points I wasn't even sure if I did care! I felt so cold and uncompassionate. During the prayer time that afternoon, I really felt that perhaps I should not have come to Kolkata. Maybe I misread what God was really saying. Maybe I only came here to satisfy some selfish desire or need. I was so overcome by my feelings of inadequacy that I could barely keep things together over supper.

My second day at Prem Dan was not easy, but it was definitely worth it. Today, for the first time, I really felt love. I was so overcome with it that I took off my retarded rubber gloves and mask and actually hugged and kissed some of the women I was talking with. I can't help it. Some of them are so beautiful and special. I know it's bad, but I have my favorites. There are two sweet and gentle elderly ladies upstairs that have a special place in my heart. They never say a word, but when I approach they look deeply into my eyes and smile. They are so precious and endearing. I still can't believe that I am able to do this. I now know with certainty that God's spirit lives within me. I knew it before intellectually, but now in my heart, I know it's the truth.