personal revelation

The more I'm in Kolkata, the more I realize that this trip was about God changing me. In some ways I feel so self-centered about that, but in other ways I am so glad. Since my last post I have had a revelation from God. On Thursday, my day off, I was quite upset. I didn't end up doing the things that I had wanted to do. I felt like I had so little time in Kolkata and all I did was rest. I wanted to see so much of the city and was quite pissed off when I discovered that some of my teamates had gone to see the Victoria Memorial without me. I was full of anger and resentment. Now, these feelings of anger do not stem completely from my upset over my day off, but from other things in my life. I was angry about my wasted day, but also angry about broken friendships, about my lack of self- esteem and my constant self-analysis and comparisons. I knew God had been calling me to chat with him about these things, but in my business of volunteering, I had not really made any time to spend with Jesus. Finally, at the end of the day, after I could hardly contain my anger and upset, I went up to the roof of the Astoria and unloaded. It felt so good to cry. Sometimes all I want is for God to take away everything I'm feeling and the other night, he did. He let me unload and gave me some long needed relief. After I had finished, God told me something really important about myself. He told me that I had nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about. For the longest time I have felt so insecure about who I am and so ashamed of myself. I have spent countless hours comparing myself to other people and admiring their good qualities that I completely forgot about my own. So basically, on the roof of a hotel in polluted Kolkata, God told me that I was okay. The only thing I should feel badly about are my sins, which he convicts me of and takes away. Whatever guilt or shame I feel are lies. I could not believe how good it felt to know this. For the first time I no longer have the need to question myself or analyze who I am. I can just be me and not worry.

This to me was a huge deal. It means that I can finally concentrate on others things rather than worry about me and what others think. I have more time to focus on what's important to God and what he wants. Finally, I have some much needed clarity and reassurance. You might even call it sincere confidence. I wonder how many of us are caught up in this cycle of shame and guilt. It's really amazing for God to reveal this to me in India because it seems like such a Western or North American issue. Here the problem is so basic, it's one of survival; food, shelter, water and safety. I don't know what God is going to do with me here or what he is trying to show me, but now, I actually have the time and focus to figure it out.