enough said...

1 John 4:7-8
7Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Sweet

I don't wanna know your name
Cause you don't look the same
The way you did before
OK you think you got a pretty face
But the rest of you is out of place
You looked all right before

Fox on the run
You screamed and everybody comes a-running
Take a run and hide yourself away
Fox on the run
F-foxy, foxy on the run and hideaway

You-you talk about just every band
But the names you drop are second hand
I've heard it all before
I don't wanna know your name
Cause you don't look the same
The way you did before
(repeat chorus)

Yeah, Varanassi!!!

I was lying in bed remembering my time in Varanassi with Josh and Elissa and I had to post once again. On our last night there, we went to this weird festival thing at the main ghat. During the Hindu celebration, I had this urge to praise God, so I started to do that. I got so wrapped up in worship that I really stopped paying attention to my surroundings. When I finally came to, I noticed that some people in the crowd were glaring at me. I thought that was rather interesting until I saw a lot of people glaring. It was not a nice glare, it was actually REALLY mean. I kinda felt attacked spiritually so I turned around to leave and ran smack into a Kali shrine (just so you know, Kali is a mean, vengeful, blood thirsty Goddess. She has a bright red face, crazy black hair and the ickiest grin on her face). I sorta got freaked out and asked if we could leave. We ended up catching a bicycle rickshaw home. It was great. The breeze was so fresh (oddly enough) and cool. After our ride, we disembarked and I'll never forget what happened. As Elissa got off she lost her balance and fell into the biggest, wettest pile of cow poo. It had to have been at least up to her ankles. We laughed SO hard we cried.

My Wish List

Ok, I know it's WAY too early and probably very juvenile, but I have decided to write out my Christmas wish list. Now, these are ONLY suggestions, but I would love a person so much more if they gave me what's on my list. Please, I will love you FOREVER!!

Things I want...
1) An MP3 player, preferably an ipod. The cd player I have is ghetto and it's huge. I lug it with me everywhere and I can never put it in my purse. It's also terrible. It always skips and sometimes it won't even play. This is very inconvenient when you really want to ignore the freaky guy on the bus. Also, it sucks up batteries and that's wasting valuable money.

2) A spa day. Yes, I want my nails done, a full body message, a facial etc... all things luxurious. Oh, maybe even a spray on tan (yes Rachet, you've convinced me cancer boxes are evil). I also wouldn't mind a new hair cut, maybe some highlights and a makeover.

3) A vacation. I want to go away some place warm and tropical. I don't care, as long as it's near the equator and I can have fruity drinks with little umbrellas. Yeah, I know that's a bit much, but hey.... you never know who reads this blog.

4)Nick Carter... ha ha ha... just kidding. Thought I'd put that in for old times sake. Seriously now... no one likes a chubb.... and well, neither do I.

5)A new computer. Now this is uber pricey so I would definitely contribute. Actually I would rather an upgrade. I don't know if that's possible on this hunk of junk, but it's definitely worth looking into.

6) Boots. Yes, many, many pairs of boots. I need a pair of tall black ones and of course, if you got black you gotta have brown. All very important for fashionable young ladies. Ok, and maybe some sneakers, preferably a pair of black Adidas which I saw at Brown's and a pair of sweet Puma's I saw yesterday at the Dufferin Mall.

7) And finally, some new house furnishings for my new digs. Ann Marie and I aren't sure what we need just yet, so I might have to adjust this list once I move in. I think we need a table and an island for our kitchen. Ikea time!

So that's it thus far. I just realized that's quite a bit and when added up is expensive. Indeed, it is. It's not my fault God blessed me with expensive tastes and desires. I know what you're thinking, "this is not the reason for the season". YES, I know that!! You people ruin all the fun :(

We likey

My new jacket. We likey :)

now that's some hunky Jane Austen

Went to see Pride and Prejudice tonight. It was terrible. I knew it would be. Kiera Knightley was not convincing enough as Elizabeth Bennett. They made her appear like she actually liked Darcy when in reality she loathed him. And Matthew MacFadyen sounded way too robotic to be a brewding Mr. Darcy. Not only that, they made him mope about the entire film. I know this is shallow but, my goodness he's cute. That's one thing they got right.

Conclusion: Nothing will ever claim my love for Jane Austen like the BBC. God bless those Brits!

I can't dither

I have worked so hard to forgive. Sometimes, I can't believe how willing I am to forgive someone and actually forget about their wrong doing. When you forgive does it mean that you completely forget? No... it doesn't. You always remember what they did but you forgive, knowing that God will give you love for this person. You move on knowing that you have forgiven them because you never want to be bound by chains that can make you bitter, hateful and disobedient. You move on because you have faith God will change this person's heart and one day, maybe, they'll come to their senses and see their wrong doing. You move on because you can't hold a grudge, it just takes too much effort.

Tonight, like many other nights, I made an effort to befriend someone that hurt me terribly. It didn't work. I have forgiven this person, let's call them JP, but the pain they caused me still lingers. Tonight I spoke with JP and it just blew up in my face. It took one word, just a name to bring back all my hurt. It made me break. I want our friendship to be mended but I don't think it can be. I don't think I'll ever see this person the same way I used to.

The unfortunate thing is, this isn't just happening with one person. It's happening with a lot of people. I'm realizing more and more there are only a select few that I can call my friend. The rest, I just can't trust. I've been dealing with this issue for months now. How do you love someone, sincerely, but then be cautious around them? How can you be real with someone who has hurt you over and over again without not talking to them or holding a grudge? I can't do both. I can't see one person and pretend that I care deeply for them when in fact I emotionally and spiritually fear them. I can't straddle the two.

I'm SO tired

I just pumped out three essays and one computer assignment in two days. I am SO tired. I really hope that they all get good marks, considering they were not really well done. I'm finding that as long as I give assignments in on time, I will be okay. It's handing them in late that screws me over. Late marks suck :( Also, lateness just makes essays so much harder to finish as you become filled with worry which just inhibits your ability to write clearly and creatively.

Anywho, now I am going home to do work for an assignment due next week. My weekend is full of scholastic joy as I have to study for a geography test on Tuesday. I have lots to do!! The only real fun I'm going to have this weekend is attending Andrea Todd's birthday party tomorrow night. YAY! And maybe hanging out with Dave on Sunday night. I hope he brings our friend Steve Hay. He's so cool. This guy is ridiculously tall and gangly looking with bright red hair. He's one of the most hilarious (yes, hilarious with one L) and politically astute people I've ever met. I haven't seen him since third year of university when I used to plague him with discussions pertaining to Tim Fairgrieve. Ah Tim Fairgrieve, the mysteries of infatuation.

Diane Neal... she's lovely looking

A friend from class told me today that I look like the lawyer on Law and Order Special Victims Unit. She's told other people in my program and they all seem to agree that I look like this woman. I don't see it.


Actually, I think she looks more like Rachel Hahn. Especially in this picture.


Apparently, Rachel and I look alike. I don't mind looking like either of these women as I think they are pretty beautiful. Also, I have been thinking about dying my hair. I always used to get blond highlights, but Mena told me that brown hair would suit my features. Hmm... I'm not sure. If I end up looking anything like Diane Neal, I might really consider it.

questions

I just realized I misjudged someone. That's okay. I'm glad I figured things out. I'm glad I can move on. I feel frustrated and if anything I feel really retarded. I thought I wasn't intimidated by this girl but I am now. It was all based on physical appearance, which is so ridiculously shallow I feel ashamed to admit it.

To be honest, I am feeling really crummy about who I am right now. I used to think I was deep; that I was real; that I had inner strength to be blatantly honest, but now, I realize i'm just like "everyone else". I'm fake with people ALL the time! I go back on my word often. I'm two-faced. I rarely follow-through. I make judgements. Who am I? What makes me think I stand out? What makes me so diferent from the next random person? My intellect? People seem to think I'm smart. What if it's a lie? What if I'm not? Maybe I don't know enough. What I'll never know enough about development and international relations? Maybe I'll never know enough about politics or history or economics or the Palestinian/Israeli peace process or IMF strutural adjustment... blah blah

I'm noticing my lack of depth a lot. I talk about surface crap. What depth do I supposedly have? I repeat the same conversations over and over again. Do I have nothing pertinent to say? Someone once told me that being deep was being depressed. If this is so, why am I so depressed and yet feel so shallow?

some thoughts

Understanding the brokeness of humanity is important in maintaing a good friendship. I often overlook the sensitivities of others and underestimate the meaning of my words. I forget that pain can be triggered and evoked by a memory, a smell, a place, a song, a phrase, or a name. The effort made to accommodate for the painful circumstances of a friend should be reciprocal. It is a vital requirement of friendship. Compassion, respect, consideration, empathy, generousity, kindness, patience, sympathy and tolerance are so valuable to me in a friend. How can I expect that from someone without expecting it from myself? I seem to always expect so much from others. Perhaps it is human nature to demand perfection from everyone but not from ourselves.

Enough is enough

I'm so sick of trying to be someone I'm not for someone who will never notice!

Look forward... keep your eyes on the prize.

Well, last night I spent most of my time being unproductive and avoiding working on an assignment. I ended up going over to Ann Marie's house for supper after class. It was so much fun. Being unproductive wouldn't be so appealing if it didn't entail having such a good time. She made lentil soup and biscuits, which were so yummy. She even provided me with fancy French cheese and olives as a snack. Mmm... olives. We could of just eaten those all night and I would have been satisfied.

I got home around 12:30am and decided that I should attepmt to look over my assignment. I have to write up a report on a case study due for my Intro to Development class. If anyone knows anything about Teachers Without Borders, give me a shout. It's due tomorrow and does not entail very much work except for a little motivation on my part to get it done. Being motivated takes so much energy from me. I wish I could just do things by thinking of them. I always seem to be motivated in my mind rather than with my actions (does that make sense?) meh...

Anyways, instead of doing my assignment I spent an hour or so on the net. I know I'll regret not using my time wisely. It feels as though I spend a lot of time doing ridiculous things that have nothing to do with school or with God. I'm constantly on xanga sites and blogs. I need to stop because I think it's becoming addictive. I was looking at Matt and Annie's sites tonight. I have a tendency to feel jealous, maybe even a little depressed. My life has definitely been a lot different than his. So completely different that it's hard to imagine we ever connected. It's amazing remembering who I once connected with and how things have changed. Remembering those times makes me sad yet encourages me to move on to what God has for me.

haphazard rambling indeed

Dearest Chinese Readers,

Thank you for coming to my blog site and reading. I do appreciate your interest. I want to thank you for your many gifts, in particular, the copious amounts of brown rice and green tea. I do not know what to do with it all. It seems that it will most likely be stored in my closet with your other gifts of umbrellas and galoshes.

I will also take your strong advice regarding green tea preparation very seriously. Here is what I have done thus far:

1. Boil water
2. Pour water into cup
3. Prepare tea in bags
4. Put tea bag in water
5. Steep lightly, gingerly, like holding a yoyo
6. Make sure water is indeed green
7. Do not drink whilst cold
8. If cold, put in microwave until warmed
9. Do not share gifts with roomates, strangers, parents, or other friends

I hope this meets to your satisfaction.

Also, I do apologize for my delay in writing to you and for the lack of creativity of this post. I know it's not up to your standards. Perhaps I shall write you a poem or song to make up for my carelessness.

My warmest regards,

haphazard rambling blog administrator

I know I said I wouldn't but I just couldn't hold myself back

Ok... I have to say something because I am SOOOOOO excited. Today I was doing a research assignment for my management of international development class and I found my dream job. Oh my... it is FANTASTIC!!! I can't believe it! This assignment is very boring and so irritating, but now so worth it because I have finally figured out what I want to do with my life(giggling with glee). And what is so cool about this whole thing is that last night I was at TACF and I received prayer for Godly direction about my life. I know my Father is stirring up a passion in me and I cannot wait to see what HE's gonna do. God is AMAZING! He is so faithful to us in answering our prayers and hearing our requests. Props to my Heavenly Father!! (Mena, I am totally feelin ya.

Wooooooo!!!!!! (putting hand up with pointed finger)

YOU

Worked for nothing it seems
Everything a deception
An imagined illusion
If I had only known
I would have been me FULLY
without worry, without fear, without contemplation
If only... if only

A pretty package
Charming and clever
A chance to be truthful
instead all lies
If you had only known
I would have cared
If only... if only

Now I remember a momentary glimpse
generic but real
Too bad
time to forget
It's hard, so hard
Apathy impossible
Don't think, analyze, remember

YOU
Ugh... you

some pictures

I haven't posted in awhile. I finally figured out how to download my pictures onto my computer so... here are some shots of my boos (Morgan and Lia) and my friend Doreen's birthday. Gosh, she is sooo beautiful!! I love my friends. For all you naughty, dirty and deceitful boys out there... don't even think about it... she's taken (by someone decent and very honourable)!! Anyways, I had a great weekend. I went to a house warming party on Friday night and then on Saturday went out for dinner with Doreen. Sunday after church I had some drinks with Jonathan and Heidi. It was most lovely :)


Doreen and her friend Dima (who is WAY nice by the way)


Me and Doreen


I haven't seen my friend Steph is two years. The last time we saw one another was her wedding day. It was SO good to see her. I finally got to chat with her husband, Blair and he is one of the nicest guy I've ever met.


My boo...Morgan. She's my muffin.


And finally... Lia, the horniest cat known to man. If this baby goes into heat again, I swear Leslie and I will have nervous break downs.

so true...

Fantasy is what they want but reality is what they need

forever frustrated

Why can't people just speak up and be clear? I can never seem to understand this!!! What do you think will happen if you tell the truth? Do you think I'm going to bite your head off? Wait... knowing me I could do that. I take that question back. I guess what I'm trying to say is this... if you just had the guts to be honest you might be surprised by my response. Maybe it's not as bad as you think. Actually, it could be quite positive if you would only just spit it out. This lack of honesty and openess really is hard for me to understand and accept. Whatever happened to good ole communication skills? Isn't it normal for us to talk to one another. And by talking I don't mean surface crap but actually talking about something substantial. Come on, we're human beings, intellectual and spiritual human beings! We gotta be real. This means being vulnerable, which entails being authentic, straight forward and definitely being humble. How can any type of relationship truly exist without these things? I thought that was normal. I'm really starting to question the idea of normalcy. Perhaps it's all imaginary.

Why should I spend my time being frustrated with people who are lacking in their ability to communicate? Why should I fritter away my life consumed by analysis attempting to decipher "what's really going on"? Why am I hoping for people to change?

People don't change, they just get older (quoted by Ian Clarke)

How urksome.

Motown.... my happy songs

Today was a hard day for me. I was really pissed off the entire day, especially before Living Room started. It's amazing how angry I can get. Grrrr...

Anyways, God was so good to me tonight. Jonathan totally realized how I was feeling and thankfully warned everyone as they entered that I was not in a good mood. He then proceeded to put on my "happy music". And if any of you know me, you know that it's something from Motown. Smokey Robinson's Tears of a Clown came on and I have to say, my entire mood changed. It was like I was brainwashed to feel happy when I listen to this stuff. Everytime I hear it I feel so gleeful that all my cares just seem to melt away. I was all into it and of course I promptly asked Jon if I could burn his cd. For some reason he said no. I was quite surprised but agreed that he didn't need to lend it to me. Everyone had a good laugh at my expense. I didn't understand why until they brought out the birthday cake and gave me the cd as a birthday gift. I was thrilled!!! They also gave me the whole Chronicles of Narnia which I plan to start as soon as possible. Jonathan and I have been plnanning to read this over the course of the fall so that we could watch the movie this December. I am SO pumped. After eating raspberry cheesecake (my favourite, compliments of Heidi) they laid hands on me and prayed. It was such a beautiful moment for me. I just felt so loved and cared for.

Living Room has been so great since I got back from India. This summer has been fruitful for many of us. The entire Living room experience has changed drastically. It's wonderful to meet with a group of people who are committed to the same thing: getting closer with the Living God. It was such a blessing tonight. As an act of worship we washed each others feet and then we prayed for each other. I felt so comforted and at peace. Not only that, Jussie prayed for me and it was exactly what I needed. I love it when God's spirit moves and gives people a word in prayer. It's such a blessing!! I realized that over the last year and a half all my frustration and all my agonizing over living room was so worth it to have what I experienced tonight. Sometimes things seem so hard and difficult, but when God gives us a blessing, when things finally get in the right place, all that waiting, all that suffering, it's all worth it. That one little breakthrough (props to Mena)is worth all the pain and hardship.

Amen