enough said...

1 John 4:7-8
7Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Sweet

I don't wanna know your name
Cause you don't look the same
The way you did before
OK you think you got a pretty face
But the rest of you is out of place
You looked all right before

Fox on the run
You screamed and everybody comes a-running
Take a run and hide yourself away
Fox on the run
F-foxy, foxy on the run and hideaway

You-you talk about just every band
But the names you drop are second hand
I've heard it all before
I don't wanna know your name
Cause you don't look the same
The way you did before
(repeat chorus)

Yeah, Varanassi!!!

I was lying in bed remembering my time in Varanassi with Josh and Elissa and I had to post once again. On our last night there, we went to this weird festival thing at the main ghat. During the Hindu celebration, I had this urge to praise God, so I started to do that. I got so wrapped up in worship that I really stopped paying attention to my surroundings. When I finally came to, I noticed that some people in the crowd were glaring at me. I thought that was rather interesting until I saw a lot of people glaring. It was not a nice glare, it was actually REALLY mean. I kinda felt attacked spiritually so I turned around to leave and ran smack into a Kali shrine (just so you know, Kali is a mean, vengeful, blood thirsty Goddess. She has a bright red face, crazy black hair and the ickiest grin on her face). I sorta got freaked out and asked if we could leave. We ended up catching a bicycle rickshaw home. It was great. The breeze was so fresh (oddly enough) and cool. After our ride, we disembarked and I'll never forget what happened. As Elissa got off she lost her balance and fell into the biggest, wettest pile of cow poo. It had to have been at least up to her ankles. We laughed SO hard we cried.

My Wish List

Ok, I know it's WAY too early and probably very juvenile, but I have decided to write out my Christmas wish list. Now, these are ONLY suggestions, but I would love a person so much more if they gave me what's on my list. Please, I will love you FOREVER!!

Things I want...
1) An MP3 player, preferably an ipod. The cd player I have is ghetto and it's huge. I lug it with me everywhere and I can never put it in my purse. It's also terrible. It always skips and sometimes it won't even play. This is very inconvenient when you really want to ignore the freaky guy on the bus. Also, it sucks up batteries and that's wasting valuable money.

2) A spa day. Yes, I want my nails done, a full body message, a facial etc... all things luxurious. Oh, maybe even a spray on tan (yes Rachet, you've convinced me cancer boxes are evil). I also wouldn't mind a new hair cut, maybe some highlights and a makeover.

3) A vacation. I want to go away some place warm and tropical. I don't care, as long as it's near the equator and I can have fruity drinks with little umbrellas. Yeah, I know that's a bit much, but hey.... you never know who reads this blog.

4)Nick Carter... ha ha ha... just kidding. Thought I'd put that in for old times sake. Seriously now... no one likes a chubb.... and well, neither do I.

5)A new computer. Now this is uber pricey so I would definitely contribute. Actually I would rather an upgrade. I don't know if that's possible on this hunk of junk, but it's definitely worth looking into.

6) Boots. Yes, many, many pairs of boots. I need a pair of tall black ones and of course, if you got black you gotta have brown. All very important for fashionable young ladies. Ok, and maybe some sneakers, preferably a pair of black Adidas which I saw at Brown's and a pair of sweet Puma's I saw yesterday at the Dufferin Mall.

7) And finally, some new house furnishings for my new digs. Ann Marie and I aren't sure what we need just yet, so I might have to adjust this list once I move in. I think we need a table and an island for our kitchen. Ikea time!

So that's it thus far. I just realized that's quite a bit and when added up is expensive. Indeed, it is. It's not my fault God blessed me with expensive tastes and desires. I know what you're thinking, "this is not the reason for the season". YES, I know that!! You people ruin all the fun :(

We likey

My new jacket. We likey :)

now that's some hunky Jane Austen

Went to see Pride and Prejudice tonight. It was terrible. I knew it would be. Kiera Knightley was not convincing enough as Elizabeth Bennett. They made her appear like she actually liked Darcy when in reality she loathed him. And Matthew MacFadyen sounded way too robotic to be a brewding Mr. Darcy. Not only that, they made him mope about the entire film. I know this is shallow but, my goodness he's cute. That's one thing they got right.

Conclusion: Nothing will ever claim my love for Jane Austen like the BBC. God bless those Brits!

I can't dither

I have worked so hard to forgive. Sometimes, I can't believe how willing I am to forgive someone and actually forget about their wrong doing. When you forgive does it mean that you completely forget? No... it doesn't. You always remember what they did but you forgive, knowing that God will give you love for this person. You move on knowing that you have forgiven them because you never want to be bound by chains that can make you bitter, hateful and disobedient. You move on because you have faith God will change this person's heart and one day, maybe, they'll come to their senses and see their wrong doing. You move on because you can't hold a grudge, it just takes too much effort.

Tonight, like many other nights, I made an effort to befriend someone that hurt me terribly. It didn't work. I have forgiven this person, let's call them JP, but the pain they caused me still lingers. Tonight I spoke with JP and it just blew up in my face. It took one word, just a name to bring back all my hurt. It made me break. I want our friendship to be mended but I don't think it can be. I don't think I'll ever see this person the same way I used to.

The unfortunate thing is, this isn't just happening with one person. It's happening with a lot of people. I'm realizing more and more there are only a select few that I can call my friend. The rest, I just can't trust. I've been dealing with this issue for months now. How do you love someone, sincerely, but then be cautious around them? How can you be real with someone who has hurt you over and over again without not talking to them or holding a grudge? I can't do both. I can't see one person and pretend that I care deeply for them when in fact I emotionally and spiritually fear them. I can't straddle the two.

I'm SO tired

I just pumped out three essays and one computer assignment in two days. I am SO tired. I really hope that they all get good marks, considering they were not really well done. I'm finding that as long as I give assignments in on time, I will be okay. It's handing them in late that screws me over. Late marks suck :( Also, lateness just makes essays so much harder to finish as you become filled with worry which just inhibits your ability to write clearly and creatively.

Anywho, now I am going home to do work for an assignment due next week. My weekend is full of scholastic joy as I have to study for a geography test on Tuesday. I have lots to do!! The only real fun I'm going to have this weekend is attending Andrea Todd's birthday party tomorrow night. YAY! And maybe hanging out with Dave on Sunday night. I hope he brings our friend Steve Hay. He's so cool. This guy is ridiculously tall and gangly looking with bright red hair. He's one of the most hilarious (yes, hilarious with one L) and politically astute people I've ever met. I haven't seen him since third year of university when I used to plague him with discussions pertaining to Tim Fairgrieve. Ah Tim Fairgrieve, the mysteries of infatuation.

Diane Neal... she's lovely looking

A friend from class told me today that I look like the lawyer on Law and Order Special Victims Unit. She's told other people in my program and they all seem to agree that I look like this woman. I don't see it.


Actually, I think she looks more like Rachel Hahn. Especially in this picture.


Apparently, Rachel and I look alike. I don't mind looking like either of these women as I think they are pretty beautiful. Also, I have been thinking about dying my hair. I always used to get blond highlights, but Mena told me that brown hair would suit my features. Hmm... I'm not sure. If I end up looking anything like Diane Neal, I might really consider it.

questions

I just realized I misjudged someone. That's okay. I'm glad I figured things out. I'm glad I can move on. I feel frustrated and if anything I feel really retarded. I thought I wasn't intimidated by this girl but I am now. It was all based on physical appearance, which is so ridiculously shallow I feel ashamed to admit it.

To be honest, I am feeling really crummy about who I am right now. I used to think I was deep; that I was real; that I had inner strength to be blatantly honest, but now, I realize i'm just like "everyone else". I'm fake with people ALL the time! I go back on my word often. I'm two-faced. I rarely follow-through. I make judgements. Who am I? What makes me think I stand out? What makes me so diferent from the next random person? My intellect? People seem to think I'm smart. What if it's a lie? What if I'm not? Maybe I don't know enough. What I'll never know enough about development and international relations? Maybe I'll never know enough about politics or history or economics or the Palestinian/Israeli peace process or IMF strutural adjustment... blah blah

I'm noticing my lack of depth a lot. I talk about surface crap. What depth do I supposedly have? I repeat the same conversations over and over again. Do I have nothing pertinent to say? Someone once told me that being deep was being depressed. If this is so, why am I so depressed and yet feel so shallow?

some thoughts

Understanding the brokeness of humanity is important in maintaing a good friendship. I often overlook the sensitivities of others and underestimate the meaning of my words. I forget that pain can be triggered and evoked by a memory, a smell, a place, a song, a phrase, or a name. The effort made to accommodate for the painful circumstances of a friend should be reciprocal. It is a vital requirement of friendship. Compassion, respect, consideration, empathy, generousity, kindness, patience, sympathy and tolerance are so valuable to me in a friend. How can I expect that from someone without expecting it from myself? I seem to always expect so much from others. Perhaps it is human nature to demand perfection from everyone but not from ourselves.

Enough is enough

I'm so sick of trying to be someone I'm not for someone who will never notice!

Look forward... keep your eyes on the prize.

Well, last night I spent most of my time being unproductive and avoiding working on an assignment. I ended up going over to Ann Marie's house for supper after class. It was so much fun. Being unproductive wouldn't be so appealing if it didn't entail having such a good time. She made lentil soup and biscuits, which were so yummy. She even provided me with fancy French cheese and olives as a snack. Mmm... olives. We could of just eaten those all night and I would have been satisfied.

I got home around 12:30am and decided that I should attepmt to look over my assignment. I have to write up a report on a case study due for my Intro to Development class. If anyone knows anything about Teachers Without Borders, give me a shout. It's due tomorrow and does not entail very much work except for a little motivation on my part to get it done. Being motivated takes so much energy from me. I wish I could just do things by thinking of them. I always seem to be motivated in my mind rather than with my actions (does that make sense?) meh...

Anyways, instead of doing my assignment I spent an hour or so on the net. I know I'll regret not using my time wisely. It feels as though I spend a lot of time doing ridiculous things that have nothing to do with school or with God. I'm constantly on xanga sites and blogs. I need to stop because I think it's becoming addictive. I was looking at Matt and Annie's sites tonight. I have a tendency to feel jealous, maybe even a little depressed. My life has definitely been a lot different than his. So completely different that it's hard to imagine we ever connected. It's amazing remembering who I once connected with and how things have changed. Remembering those times makes me sad yet encourages me to move on to what God has for me.

haphazard rambling indeed

Dearest Chinese Readers,

Thank you for coming to my blog site and reading. I do appreciate your interest. I want to thank you for your many gifts, in particular, the copious amounts of brown rice and green tea. I do not know what to do with it all. It seems that it will most likely be stored in my closet with your other gifts of umbrellas and galoshes.

I will also take your strong advice regarding green tea preparation very seriously. Here is what I have done thus far:

1. Boil water
2. Pour water into cup
3. Prepare tea in bags
4. Put tea bag in water
5. Steep lightly, gingerly, like holding a yoyo
6. Make sure water is indeed green
7. Do not drink whilst cold
8. If cold, put in microwave until warmed
9. Do not share gifts with roomates, strangers, parents, or other friends

I hope this meets to your satisfaction.

Also, I do apologize for my delay in writing to you and for the lack of creativity of this post. I know it's not up to your standards. Perhaps I shall write you a poem or song to make up for my carelessness.

My warmest regards,

haphazard rambling blog administrator

I know I said I wouldn't but I just couldn't hold myself back

Ok... I have to say something because I am SOOOOOO excited. Today I was doing a research assignment for my management of international development class and I found my dream job. Oh my... it is FANTASTIC!!! I can't believe it! This assignment is very boring and so irritating, but now so worth it because I have finally figured out what I want to do with my life(giggling with glee). And what is so cool about this whole thing is that last night I was at TACF and I received prayer for Godly direction about my life. I know my Father is stirring up a passion in me and I cannot wait to see what HE's gonna do. God is AMAZING! He is so faithful to us in answering our prayers and hearing our requests. Props to my Heavenly Father!! (Mena, I am totally feelin ya.

Wooooooo!!!!!! (putting hand up with pointed finger)

YOU

Worked for nothing it seems
Everything a deception
An imagined illusion
If I had only known
I would have been me FULLY
without worry, without fear, without contemplation
If only... if only

A pretty package
Charming and clever
A chance to be truthful
instead all lies
If you had only known
I would have cared
If only... if only

Now I remember a momentary glimpse
generic but real
Too bad
time to forget
It's hard, so hard
Apathy impossible
Don't think, analyze, remember

YOU
Ugh... you

some pictures

I haven't posted in awhile. I finally figured out how to download my pictures onto my computer so... here are some shots of my boos (Morgan and Lia) and my friend Doreen's birthday. Gosh, she is sooo beautiful!! I love my friends. For all you naughty, dirty and deceitful boys out there... don't even think about it... she's taken (by someone decent and very honourable)!! Anyways, I had a great weekend. I went to a house warming party on Friday night and then on Saturday went out for dinner with Doreen. Sunday after church I had some drinks with Jonathan and Heidi. It was most lovely :)


Doreen and her friend Dima (who is WAY nice by the way)


Me and Doreen


I haven't seen my friend Steph is two years. The last time we saw one another was her wedding day. It was SO good to see her. I finally got to chat with her husband, Blair and he is one of the nicest guy I've ever met.


My boo...Morgan. She's my muffin.


And finally... Lia, the horniest cat known to man. If this baby goes into heat again, I swear Leslie and I will have nervous break downs.

so true...

Fantasy is what they want but reality is what they need

forever frustrated

Why can't people just speak up and be clear? I can never seem to understand this!!! What do you think will happen if you tell the truth? Do you think I'm going to bite your head off? Wait... knowing me I could do that. I take that question back. I guess what I'm trying to say is this... if you just had the guts to be honest you might be surprised by my response. Maybe it's not as bad as you think. Actually, it could be quite positive if you would only just spit it out. This lack of honesty and openess really is hard for me to understand and accept. Whatever happened to good ole communication skills? Isn't it normal for us to talk to one another. And by talking I don't mean surface crap but actually talking about something substantial. Come on, we're human beings, intellectual and spiritual human beings! We gotta be real. This means being vulnerable, which entails being authentic, straight forward and definitely being humble. How can any type of relationship truly exist without these things? I thought that was normal. I'm really starting to question the idea of normalcy. Perhaps it's all imaginary.

Why should I spend my time being frustrated with people who are lacking in their ability to communicate? Why should I fritter away my life consumed by analysis attempting to decipher "what's really going on"? Why am I hoping for people to change?

People don't change, they just get older (quoted by Ian Clarke)

How urksome.

Motown.... my happy songs

Today was a hard day for me. I was really pissed off the entire day, especially before Living Room started. It's amazing how angry I can get. Grrrr...

Anyways, God was so good to me tonight. Jonathan totally realized how I was feeling and thankfully warned everyone as they entered that I was not in a good mood. He then proceeded to put on my "happy music". And if any of you know me, you know that it's something from Motown. Smokey Robinson's Tears of a Clown came on and I have to say, my entire mood changed. It was like I was brainwashed to feel happy when I listen to this stuff. Everytime I hear it I feel so gleeful that all my cares just seem to melt away. I was all into it and of course I promptly asked Jon if I could burn his cd. For some reason he said no. I was quite surprised but agreed that he didn't need to lend it to me. Everyone had a good laugh at my expense. I didn't understand why until they brought out the birthday cake and gave me the cd as a birthday gift. I was thrilled!!! They also gave me the whole Chronicles of Narnia which I plan to start as soon as possible. Jonathan and I have been plnanning to read this over the course of the fall so that we could watch the movie this December. I am SO pumped. After eating raspberry cheesecake (my favourite, compliments of Heidi) they laid hands on me and prayed. It was such a beautiful moment for me. I just felt so loved and cared for.

Living Room has been so great since I got back from India. This summer has been fruitful for many of us. The entire Living room experience has changed drastically. It's wonderful to meet with a group of people who are committed to the same thing: getting closer with the Living God. It was such a blessing tonight. As an act of worship we washed each others feet and then we prayed for each other. I felt so comforted and at peace. Not only that, Jussie prayed for me and it was exactly what I needed. I love it when God's spirit moves and gives people a word in prayer. It's such a blessing!! I realized that over the last year and a half all my frustration and all my agonizing over living room was so worth it to have what I experienced tonight. Sometimes things seem so hard and difficult, but when God gives us a blessing, when things finally get in the right place, all that waiting, all that suffering, it's all worth it. That one little breakthrough (props to Mena)is worth all the pain and hardship.

Amen

"It's like lemon but with lime"

Ah Catherine. My sister. The more I talk to her the more I enjoy her. There are certain things that she does that just make me smile and laugh. Recently she got back from an archeological trip to Alaska and she was telling me about this fantastic guy she met(Supposedly he is going to be her husband. While Catherine was in the UK one of Nana's friends read her fortune and told her that). His name is Lyman (hence the title of this post).All weekend long we joked about his name. In so many ways she reminds me of my dad. He's always joking and having a good time. Sometimes it's weird how similar they are. They both have a habit of saying things aloud randomly for no reason. For example: tomato. ??? Often she'll burst out with some odd noise or some random song. Usually the cat is the object of her song, probably Tissue. Ahh Tissue.... I wish I could explain how much I love Tissue. How can you not love a cat who cries out with ecstasy when you pat her bum? What can I say, we're an extremely unsual and dysfunctional family. Even our cats are messed up. I guess the whole nurture argument rings true in the Howes household.

Anywho, I guess the point of this little blurb is that I love my family. I love my mother for being strong and assertive. I admire her for being bold and forgiving. I respect her because she is such an honourable and Godly woman. I love my father because he's working his life out (or at least attempting to) and really trying to make up for past wrongs. I care deeply for my sister because she is truly an awesome and beautiful young woman. I have such hope for her. In conclusion, I am glad that God ordained all the days of my life before the world was created. I think he set things up just fine:)

busy busy

For someone who had no plans for the long weekend, I certainly have been quite busy. Elaine went to New York and Lastly(but not leastly... compliments of Jonathan Bluks)went away for the weekend to a cottage. They've left me here with no one except the kitty cats. So last night, I decided to have some good friends over for dinner and a movie. Lavle and Jon came over and we watched Troy. I have to say, I am SO not impressed with Brad Pitt anymore. I think it's the whole Angelina thing that's left a bad taste in my mouth. Anywho, during the film Felicity and Lisa came upstairs and ended up watching the rest of the movie with us. Later, the three of us enjoyed some quality girl time.

Today I actually woke up early and had Chai(real Indian chai compliments of me :)and an omelette for breakfast. It was SO yummy. After breakfast I ended up cleaning my whole room and then my highschool friend Doreen came over. We talked about my trip to India and then all about her new guy that she's seeing. After that I went to the CNE with Mena. I love Mena. We always have fun together. We went to all these silly show rooms that were so boring. I made her go into the vegetable and flower section which displayed all the various types of vegetables arranged on plates according to their rank. I think I am in love with the prize winning rhubarb. It was breath taking!! Mena was just about to exclaim her distaste in regards to the lack of creativity of the displays until she came upon the Lavender booth. Recently she seems to be coo coo for Lavender. We spent some time sniffing bags of leaves and various oils.

Later on that night we went to see the Toronto Urban Music Festival, which I have to say was awesome. I wish we had dropped in on it earlier because we caught the last part of Divine Brown. She was so good!! As she finished her last song the fireworks show started and it turned out that we had perfect seats. We chatted and laughed while watching the fireworks and then headed home early in the hopes of avoiding the large crowds. I had such a good time tonight. Tomorrow I am having breakfast with Nick Debrey and then am off to church for set up. After church I get to hang out with Jon and chat about what's been happening with my life. I really am blessed to have the friends that I have. God has been so faithful in providing me with good people to encourage and uplift me. Thanks Jesus, I love you.

what's wrong with me?

Have you ever had those times when you think you've gotten over something and then realize, quite suddenly, that you haven't? Well, that just happened to me. I thought for a few brief moments (actually, it was about six weeks) that I had finally gotten over my insecurities. Thank goodness I was free! I was WRONG! I'm not sure if it's God or just constant over-analysis, but recently something has entered my life which has caused me to feel so insecure and humiliated. Everytime I think about it I shudder and only feel embarrassement. I can't seem to shake it off. No matter how much I tell myself that I am God's child and that I have nothing to worry about, my thoughts always seem to revert back to negative over-analysis. "You're an idiot, what are you doing?" Even now as I write this I'm thinking to myself, "You're too serious, you should write something more entertaining... blah blah blah" I feel like I am constantly attmepting to retrain my thoughts; always working hard to kill that small voice trying to bring me down. What's awful, is that it's affecting EVERYTHING! My friendships and even potential relationships are being put in jeopardy by this stupid stuff. I can't stand it, which makes the whole thing even more frustrating. Last night, while sitting and chatting with a good friend, I actually got so embarrassed that I think he thought I was crying. What's wrong with me?!!!

boys....tee hee

ok, yeah, this subject was bound to come up sometime. If you know me at all, you know that at some point I'll talk about boys in some form or another. Recently, I have worked very hard to not think about them because I did not to get distracted from God. So, the moment I promise to think only of Jesus, what happens, everyone starts talking about marriages, crushes and engagements. They all begin to ask me (ok, it was only one good friend) questions about how to stop thinking about their crushes, meanwhile they have no idea that I am struggling to do the same thing. Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah... So of course, I am now going to give in and talk about, yes.. you guessed it, boys. I like boys. They are so nice. I like one boy in particular. And y'all will never guess who. He is very nice. Let's call him..... Frankfurt. Oh that makes me giggle we have to change that. I would never like a boy named Frankfurt or even Franklin or hey, let's be honest, even Frank. OK, so his name is Peter, with a nickname of Petey. We likey. So... Petey is way fashionable and oh so cool. Petey doesn't care about what people think of him. Petey is super respectful and very honourable. There is no one who is more sweeter and kinder than Petey. In simple terms... Petey rules. oh yeah... and he loves God. I guess I should have mentioned that first because that is the most important. Oh... did I also mention that Petey is super duper handsome? Oh, he's dreamy alright!

So... basically, this post is not about anything in particular but about a boy named Petey. (gush)

popularity

Sorry about the last entry, just so everyone knows and just in case people think I am infringing on copy right law or something, that song was written by Jonathan Steingard. I can't believe that I actually posted it, but it really represents how I've been feeling lately.

Well... since returning from India, I've decided to keep up with blogging. Why? I don't fully know yet. For some reason I have a funny feeling that I'll be travelling again soon, which will mean that I should definitely blog. But, for now, I am unsure what to write. I guess I could write about what I am thinking. Hmm.... at this very moment I'm thinking about a conversation I had with Mena the other day(i love that woman!!). We chatted about popularity, especially popularity within christian circles.

Popularity, what a deception!

I have come to realize that this one thing has been my goal throughout my childhood and adolescence and still manages to tempt me even as an adult. It's such an illusion! As we chatted I thought back to high school and the girls who were popular. Who were they really? I knew that a lot of these girls had sex in high school, which isn't bad, but I suspect they had a lot of sex, with different guys. Now, I am sure I'm being presumptuous but I really think popularity is an exchange. It's really just someone giving something in return for friendship. Are these frienships real and authentic? They might be, but for the most part, I have a feeling they are shallow. Why would someone want friends who only want them for sex or money or whatever else they're offering. It makes it seem like the person has no value. How sad. Imagine, the people who you thought were the most desireable, who you felt were so lucky, may have had no self worth.

As I sit here and reflect on my teenage years, I really don't long to be popular anymore. This is so satisfying yet so disappointing. What a waste of time! Just think of all the hours I spent comparing myself to others; all the potential friendships I avoided; the simple joy of just revelling in the knowledege of being myself - all wasted on the ideals of something, which doesn't naturally exist. I never want to aspire to those things again.

When you notice social dynamics, which everyone ultimately does, ask yourself, "why are people attracted to this person?" Is it because they're authentic and real? Are you attracted to them because they are in love with Jesus and they are pursuing righteousness? What is their appeal? Upon closer inspection, you may observe that this person, is quite unsafe, and in fact, they are the opposite of what you are aspiring to become. If anything, they need a holy revelation from God about their true identity.

a go(o)d song

Now I understand
in my brokeness
The great expanse you are
and the helpless child I am
Everything I have
strip from me
Bring me to my knees
where I long to be

Break me, enfold me, make me yours
Whatever is left of me absorb
Come fill the void
I know I need you
to take from me all that I hold back
And then take my life
It would be better than this
It would be better than this

Right now where I am
Let the change begin
The old begins to die
Replaced with you again
Let this image never fade
from my memory
Of a forever loving God
and this child at his feet

Break me, enfold me, make me yours
Whatever is left of me absorb
Come fill the void
I know I need you
to take from me all that I hold back
And then take my life
It would be better than this
It would be better than this

If the stars could only keep time
If your words could only be mine

Sometimes the messenger is a real idiot, but God bless him for delivering the message.

laah-vo-lee

I just finished seeing the Taj Mahal and I must say, I am impressed. I still can't believe I actually saw it, touched it and smelled it. It seems so surreal. Since leaving Kolkata this whole country seems like a dream. It's so beautiful and magical. I wish I could write more eloquently to describe what I have seen. I will have to post some pictures when I have some more time, maybe in Norwich.

We left Tuesday from Varanassi and took an overnight train to Agra. From there Elissa, Ana (a Dutch girl we met) and I travelled to Fatehpur Sikri, just an hour away. I have never seen such a beautiful place. It's this ancient city on a hill, which overlooks meadows and fields for miles and miles. There is this giant sandstone mosque at the top, which is an exact replica of the mosque at Mecca. Surrounding the mosque is a palace which housed Emperor Akbar and his three wives. Most of the ancient city is in ruins but the palace is completely intact and gorgeous. I took so many pictures.

Later on that night we were entertained by the manager/owner of our hotel. It was uh, quite interesting. He had hired a man to play the drums and was singing all these songs in Hindi and then attempting to translate them. It was so hilarious. He was making us get up and dance and telling us that he loved us. I thought he was being so welcoming (in a weird way) but soon discovered that he was intoxicated. I wish I had known this prior to getting up and dancing with him. He was all over me and Ana. He actually hit on her and asked her to come over to his room later. We were all completely shocked and totally grossed out.

This morning we left Fatehpur and came into Agra on a bus. It was a loud ride. Everything in India is loud; their cars, their horns, their cows. After arriving at our hotel, we went up to the roof and from there we could see the Taj. It's so beautiful. Our plans for tonight are to sit on the roof top patio and have dinner and drinks and watch the sun set over that amazing monument. It's going to be great! I can't wait.

trains, cows and stress

We are now in Varanassi. It's been a rough couple of days. We (Josh and Elissa) left early from Darjeeling on the 22nd at 9am and did not get into Varanassi until yesterday at 2pm. I was so dehydrated and tired. The reason for our long journey was that we could not catch a train directly to Varanassi from Siligury, so we had to take a train to Patna. The man at the train station in Varanassi told us we had to take a local train from Patna to Varanassi. So, we arrived in Patna at 4:30am and attempted to board a train at 5:30am to Varanassi. It did not go over well. Just getting on the train was difficult. We had to push our way through with our large bags and I was practically mauled by hundreds of Indian people scrambling to board the train. It was the most frightening experience of my life. I was petrified of being trampled under the train or being unable to get onto the train and separated from my friends. Luckily we all made it on okay and fought to get a seat. Once sitting down we finally had a chance to relax. It was at this point that we discovered that we had gotten on the wrong train and was going in the wrong direction. We got off and had to figure out where we had gone and how to actually get back to Patna and then eventually to Varanassi. Seven hours later, we arrived in Varanassi. I made sure to buy our train tickets to Agra the moment we got in. Everything is planned. We leave tomorrow night at 6:30pm.

Varanassi is not what I expected. We were told it was a really awful city, full of mean people who want to rip you off and take your money. Since being here our experience has been the opposite. Everyone we have spoken to seems to be so pleasant and kind, even helpful. It's been quite a lovely time. Early this morning we took a boat ride on the Ganges and looked at all the pilgrims come down the ghats to bathe in the holy river. After that we took a tour of old Varanassi and looked at some Hindu Temples. This place is full of shrines and temples to Shiva and monkeys. Some of them are totally amazing and so beautiful. It's also the place where most Hindus come to die and experience Moksha, which is when they put your body into the river so you can stop the cycle of reincarnation. This afternoon, we went to the Golden Temple and then to the burning ghat to watch the death ceremony. It was such an unusual sight. First we saw a body being prepared to be placed into the river and then we actually watched the hindu death/cremation ceremony. It's hard to watch. I've never seen this many corpses all in one place. I find Hindusim so intriguing. I want to buy a book about it because it's so complex and confusing. If I can learn about Hinduism then maybe I will have a better understanding of India and the people here.

Today, I had my first "I hate India, get me the fuck out of here" moment. Just after seeing all the burning bodies we walked through old Varanassi attempting to find the main ghat and street. After walking for several minutes I began to feel really sick and dizzy. Old Varanassi is made up of tiny alley ways, which are crowded with people, animals and cyclists. Because Varanassi is a holy city, cows are everywhere and as a result, so is manure. It's in huge smelly piles on the street and when in tight spaces it tends to gets really stinky. Anyways, I was getting super sick and completely clastrophobic. We finally found the street and it's packed with Hindu pilgrims on a parade down to the Ganges. It seems that tomorrow is the first day of a huge festival devoted to Shiva. So, not only are there already enough people in Varanassi on a regular day, it's now packed with other Indian people coming to do a pilgrimage. I'd like to remind people that when I say packed, I mean it. Think about how many people live in this country and imagine when they all congregate for a religious celebration. Anywho, we were completely surrounded by yelling Hindus in brightly coloured clothes, as well as being bombarded by auto-rikshaws, cars and cyclists. At this time I thought my head would explode with all the noise from the cars and chants. Just on my verge of insanity, Josh saw some other Canadians and decided to seize the moment to say hello. It was at this point that I was rear-ended by a cow. I think it must have been a male cow or something because it had horns and was huge. Ok I'm probably over-exaggerating, it really didn't rear end me, but gave me a little nugde. When I turned to see who/what touched me, I freaked out.

At that moment, I basically started to walk quickly up the street. I had to do something to get away from all the noise. By the time Josh found me, I was all flustered and upset. If any of you know me, you can well imagine how profane and pissed off I was. All is better now though. I am in an internet cafe with a cool air conditioned breeze on my face. Sometimes I don't know how to deal with life. I just get so upset that the smallest things can cause me to break down. I have been praying for God to help me cope better on this final leg of the trip. I need to be gracious to others, especially Josh, my travel partner. That poor man! I think by the time we're done, he's never going to talk to me again. I can be such a stress mess. Luckily there is only one week left for me in India. I am enjoying it here and am especially looking forward to seeing the Taj Mahal. Let's hope I can survive until Agra.

Darjeeling

I'm sorry I have not posted in so long. Just so everyone knows, I am totally fine and in good spirits. My health is not the greatest as I seemed to have picked up a little parasite. I think its dysentary. Anywho, I am now on medication and feeling better. We arrived in Darjeeling yesterday (Tuesday) which was a day later then we expected because there was a transportation strike in NJP. We ended up staying in this hotel in Siligury for the night until we could take a jeep ride up into the mountains. I love it here!! It's so chill and relaxed compared to Kolkata. I don't think I ever want to go back to an urban centre in India again!! Our hotel is fantastic too!! It's pure luxury compared to the Astoria. I just love sitting in my room and journalling while taking in the mountain air blowing through my windows. It's so fresh here. Our rooms also have bathtubs, which makes me incredibly happy. I love baths and so while here I am planning on bathing like twice a day.

Our debrief sessions have been really intense, at least for me. I am full of emotions regarding so many different things. I could stay in the internet cafe and write it all out but it would cost me a fortune. I will say one thing though, I am dreading coming back to Canada. I feel odd saying that considering how much I miss Canada. I have missed home since landing in Kolkata. Now, I feel like I have so much to face back in Toronto. Some of these issues I have just begun to deal with and they are painful. Everyday I have to look to Jesus to take away my hurt regarding so many things. I think volunteering has taught me so much about relying on God. I have had to rely on God everyday for strength just to be motivated and loving to the patients at Prem Dan. I am gradually getting used to talking to the Lord about every little detail of my life. It's hard and sometimes really tiring. I feel that God is showing me more and more about myself each day. In many ways this trip has been such an affirming experience for me. I really hope to take some of these things back with me to Canada.

Mmm... Pizza Hut

Ok, so last night we went out for dinner at Pizza Hut in honour of Jeremy's 29th birthday and it was SOOOO good!!! The cheese was NOT paneer and I was actually able to safely eat ice cream!! Yay!! After telling the wait staff that our friend was 29, they made him stand up on a chair in front of the entire restaurant and announce that he was celebrating his birthday at Pizza Hut. Then they made him stick his face in a bowl of ice cream followed by a hilarious Indian version of Happy Birthday. I don't think I have ever laughed so hard as I did last night. Well, that was until I saw this guy across the restaurant. He resembled someone I knew, except for the fact that he was Indian. I have to say, I think this looks so much like Luke Minaker. I know he's a lot thinner and of course he's Indian, but the shirt and the gelled hair totally scream LUKE. He was rather confused when Josh asked ( I couldn't ask because I was way too embarrassed and could hardly speak because I was laughing so hard) for a photo, but his family convinced him. The moment I saw this guy it reminded me of Luke, which in turn reminded me of home. Ahhh Canada, I miss you. Um.... I also miss Luke. If you're reading this, I love you.

Note: Please disregard how evil I look in this photo, I was sincerely happy.

fearful anger

Since being in India I have noticed that I am often angry, especially while walking to and from volunteering. At first I thought this was a positive thing. Actually to be honest, I mistook it for being assertive and cautious. Since the very beginning of my time here, I have noticed that men seem to look at me. Ok, the don't just look, they blatantly stare. Sometimes it can be very frightening, especially if they attempt to touch you. This has not happened to me yet, but it has happened to other members of our team and other volunteers. It makes me so pissed off that guys think they can do that here. Sometimes I feel they do things just to make me uncomfortable. For example, the other day while walking to Prem Dan, we had to walk along the train platform. Of course, the platform is packed with people which are mostly men. As I am walking, this man steps directly in front of me and the only way to pass is to his left, pretty much directly next to the moving train. I take evasive action, hoping to avoid the man but as I proceed left, Jackass starts to push me toward the train. By this time, I am really urked that 1) dude is physically touching me; and 2) that he's threatening my life. I promptly push him, not too hard, but hard enough to make him stop. After a few moments, a great sense of pride rushed over me. Since that moment, I have been the bitchiest female westerner on Sudder street. I am tempted to tell off any Indian man I meet if he even looks in my direction. I would tell off a child if I felt threatened. What's really scary is that I am not over- exaggerating. I actually told one guy off the other night for staring at me at the movie theatre. I get this odd sense of satisfaction from doing this. Sometimes I even imagine what I will do when a man does actually grab me. I have thought on several occasions of really kneeing them in the crotch or perhaps grabbing a testicle or two and yanking. I feel badly about this because sometimes I am really mean to genuinely nice people. Only recently have I realized that my anger stems from fear. I am really scared by the way men treat women here. I am constantly watching where men are around me and always surveying my surroundings. The only time I feel truly safe is inside an auto-rickshaw or in my hotel room. (Well, that's not entirely true. The guys at the internet cafe and the chai guy in front of Blue Sky Cafe are quite nice.) I feel as though I am misjudging and making generalizations on a whole group of people.

I have been praying a lot about this, really hoping that God will change my heart about Indian men. I am also praying for protection. If you have the time, please pray for the women of this trip. Pray for their physical, emotional and spiritual protection. Pray that God would give us boldness and courage to speak up when boundaries are crossed. Pray that He would teach and show us how to really love India and all it's people. Also, please pray that I am no longer afraid :) Thanks.

personal revelation

The more I'm in Kolkata, the more I realize that this trip was about God changing me. In some ways I feel so self-centered about that, but in other ways I am so glad. Since my last post I have had a revelation from God. On Thursday, my day off, I was quite upset. I didn't end up doing the things that I had wanted to do. I felt like I had so little time in Kolkata and all I did was rest. I wanted to see so much of the city and was quite pissed off when I discovered that some of my teamates had gone to see the Victoria Memorial without me. I was full of anger and resentment. Now, these feelings of anger do not stem completely from my upset over my day off, but from other things in my life. I was angry about my wasted day, but also angry about broken friendships, about my lack of self- esteem and my constant self-analysis and comparisons. I knew God had been calling me to chat with him about these things, but in my business of volunteering, I had not really made any time to spend with Jesus. Finally, at the end of the day, after I could hardly contain my anger and upset, I went up to the roof of the Astoria and unloaded. It felt so good to cry. Sometimes all I want is for God to take away everything I'm feeling and the other night, he did. He let me unload and gave me some long needed relief. After I had finished, God told me something really important about myself. He told me that I had nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about. For the longest time I have felt so insecure about who I am and so ashamed of myself. I have spent countless hours comparing myself to other people and admiring their good qualities that I completely forgot about my own. So basically, on the roof of a hotel in polluted Kolkata, God told me that I was okay. The only thing I should feel badly about are my sins, which he convicts me of and takes away. Whatever guilt or shame I feel are lies. I could not believe how good it felt to know this. For the first time I no longer have the need to question myself or analyze who I am. I can just be me and not worry.

This to me was a huge deal. It means that I can finally concentrate on others things rather than worry about me and what others think. I have more time to focus on what's important to God and what he wants. Finally, I have some much needed clarity and reassurance. You might even call it sincere confidence. I wonder how many of us are caught up in this cycle of shame and guilt. It's really amazing for God to reveal this to me in India because it seems like such a Western or North American issue. Here the problem is so basic, it's one of survival; food, shelter, water and safety. I don't know what God is going to do with me here or what he is trying to show me, but now, I actually have the time and focus to figure it out.

Kalighat

I spent this afternoon at Kalighat. This was not my first visit, but it was the first tense volunteer experience I have had thus far. I think part of it had to do with the fact that today I was really tired and totally disinterested in volunteering. I arrived and things seemed relaxed and laid-back as usual. I decided from that moment onwards that I would spend my two hours at Kalighat in a relaxed manner. I would sit with people, feed them, bring them their medication etc.... It's funny how God has a sense of humour because from the moment I entered the room, I had major things to do and they were all really yucky. For those of you who are diplomatic and eloquent, I would like to now inform you that I am completely the opposite. Just a slight warning, this post may gross you out. Anywho, back to Kalighat. So I arrive and the first thing I must do is help an elderly woman go to the bathroom. This is not usually a difficult task except for the fact that this woman has a colonoscopy bag and it's completely full and broken. Not only is there feces all over her, she has part of her colon protruding from her belly. I have never seen anything like this before. I feel badly about my reaction. At first I totally gasped and cringed and then all I could do was stare. It was such a shock to see something like this. I attempted to clean her up as best I could, but it was hard because I did not want to damage anything while cleaning her. Furthermore, all the patients around her were holding their noses and calling at me, "Auntie, Auntie, ewww". All this was compounded by this other woman sitting behind me. This woman always wants someone to sit with her and hug her. Often if you walk by she'll grab at your legs or arms and latch on to you. If you're near her she will call your name repeatedly until you acknowledge her. So... not only am I totally grossed out while cleaing up human feces, I'm also absorbing patient complaints about the smell and being heckled. I was rather frustrated to say the least.

This was just the beginning of my two hours volunteering. This type of human body function scenario repeated itself three times. After the third time, I had had it. I decided to take off to the roof and journal for a bit. I was so confused and completely shocked. I've never seen people like this. They are completely helpless and dependent on the Sisters and the volunteers. It's crazy to think what would happen if these people had remained on the street. After my week at Prem Dan I really thought that these women had a bad lot in life. It would be terrible to be stuck in some home with sick and mentally ill people and have nothing to do all day, but lie on a bed. They never go outside or have walks or even have interesting conversation. But after being at Kalighat today, I have to say that these women are SO lucky!!! Compared to some people on the street, they're the ones who are safe and being cared for, even if that care is minimal.

The world is such a scary place and people can be so cruel. It's amazing to think about what Jesus did. The way he loved the poor, the unwanted and the outcasts. It's even more amazing to realize that this person, this God, is a part of me. That's the hardest part, I have such a huge capacity to love and care for others and I don't. It seems impossible at times, especially when I am so wrapped up with myself and distracted by all my own needs and desires. How can I be focused on my life when there is so much suffering going on? Some of these patients have no hope left, they're literally waiting to die; and here I am worrying that I might catch TB or if the French volunteer guy named Fleuron likes Canadian girls who speak French. How can I rationalize this?

flip flops

It feels as though so much has happened since my last post. I'm discovering that my feelings about this place seem to change so quickly. Some times I feel like being here is so worthwhile and other times I want to jump on the next plane back to Canada. Little children approach you on the street to say hello and they're so cute... that is until you find your bag hanging open and your granola bars are missing. It's so hard to interpret people and as a result, I'm never certain about what to expect. For example, yesterday on our walk to Prem Dan, we strolled through this crazy chaotic street market. The people were friendly and open, and we had a great time attempting to speak Hindi and Bengali. Everything seemed fine until we saw a woman and a man walking toward us. The man, quite possibly her husband, was grabbing her arm and pulling her, practically dragging her along the street. The dishevelled and quite ill woman had no choice but to acquiesce to her male companion. As they approached us, we soon observed that this young woman was bleeding heavily from her forehead and that she was coughing up blood. It was a horrible sight and such a contrast to the friendly market scene we had just passed.

Volunteering is a very similar experience. On my first day at Prem Dan I felt like I was the most incompetent person on the planet. Everyone seemed to know what to do and how to interact with the patients. I was so shocked that I basically sat on a bed all day wearing an apron, my rubber gloves and a mask. I could not believe the state of some of these women. Many are elderly and sick and have been turned out by their families, yet others are young and physically disabled and have been abused. It's hard to know what to say and do. How do I love these people? How do I show them that I care? At some points I wasn't even sure if I did care! I felt so cold and uncompassionate. During the prayer time that afternoon, I really felt that perhaps I should not have come to Kolkata. Maybe I misread what God was really saying. Maybe I only came here to satisfy some selfish desire or need. I was so overcome by my feelings of inadequacy that I could barely keep things together over supper.

My second day at Prem Dan was not easy, but it was definitely worth it. Today, for the first time, I really felt love. I was so overcome with it that I took off my retarded rubber gloves and mask and actually hugged and kissed some of the women I was talking with. I can't help it. Some of them are so beautiful and special. I know it's bad, but I have my favorites. There are two sweet and gentle elderly ladies upstairs that have a special place in my heart. They never say a word, but when I approach they look deeply into my eyes and smile. They are so precious and endearing. I still can't believe that I am able to do this. I now know with certainty that God's spirit lives within me. I knew it before intellectually, but now in my heart, I know it's the truth.

Arrival in Kolkata

So we arrived yesterday in India at 5am. We had a long first day. It feels as though I have spent several days here, but in reality I have only been here for 24 hours. I seem to be absorbing so much that my brain is overwhelmed. I want to take everything in; the smells, the sounds, the people... I just can't seem to get enough of this place! Oddly, I am not shocked. I was expecting this awful, poor, downcast city, but everything here is alive. To me, it seems so normal; people are working, cleaning and cooking, they have daily routines just like they would in Toronto or some other Western city. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm in Kolkata, that I'm in India, so far far away from home. I LOVE IT!

God has been doing a lot in me since arriving. He's bringing up all these things that I have to deal with. Things that have nothing to do with Kolkata or my work here. I feel guilty about it in a way. How can I think about myself and my problems from home when I'm here, in a place like this? I have a job to do which entails being selfless. Today, after reading 'My Utmost for his Highest', I realized what God was doing. He's totally preparing me to work for him. He's calling me to confess the things that could get in the way of my serving Him and the people here. It was wonderful to take my journal and tell God all that I felt and have Him take it away. I feel refreshed, renewed and totally enabled to do God's will. I'm so blessed.

malaria pills are yucky

Today, my adventure begins. I leave for India at 11:05 pm. Well, I don't really go to India directly, I'm really going to London and then to Calcutta so.... I leave for London at 11:05pm. I'm feeling anxious. I thought that I would be full of anticipation and excitement, but I feel so anxious I can't sit still. I think it's the malaria pill I'm taking. Apparently it has all these wacky psychological side-effects. Since taking this stuff my stomach has been so tense. It feels like this ball of knots. I'm so glad Nick is coming. Hopefully he'll make me laugh my head off on the plane, which will relax me somewhat. He came over yesterday and completely changed my mood. I have to admit, I'm very grateful to live with a comic. I have also been feeling nauseous. I'm not sure if that's a result of my anxiety or the medication. I've been feeling it since Saturday. Malaria pills suck.

good times

I can't believe how much fun one can have shooting potatoes from a makeshift canon. Thank you Jason Bivall for that fond memory.

Gettin ready

I had my appointment with the specialist and it seems that nothing is wrong with me. Weird. So now I am off the meds and totally in the clear to travel to India. Even after hearing the good news I was still uncertain that I was really going away, but after paying my final installment last night at church I can now feel free to get really really excited. Oh.... I am SO thrilled about this trip. It feels like I'm gonna burst. What's odd is that I can't pinpoint exactly what I am so excited about. I just want to see God do amazing things, not only in me and my team members, but in the people that I meet. That sounds so corny. Meh...

Anyways, last night I went to a goodbye party for Jason and Chuck and you'll never guess what happened on the way over. I was walking with Jon on Queen Street and guess who just happened to be sitting in a stretch SUV right in front of the restaurant?!! None other than Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys!! I laughed so hard I thought I would cry. If this had been 8 years ago I would have been overjoyed to walk by his car and maybe, just maybe, catch a glimpse of his fabulous blond mushroom cut hair. It's strange how things seem to change and yet they don't. I still felt a tinge of excitement about potentially seeing this person. It's like I still have remnants of my teenage fantasies still creeping around somewhere in my psyche. I never actually got to see him, no one would come back out with me to check it out. Too bad... if I had met him I think I really would have made an impression.

last week

Tonight I had a most hilarious conversation with an old friend. I must say, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I don't think I have had such a good time on the phone. We talked about the last year and what I was doing. We briefly touched on my India trip. It feels weird to talk about India. It's coming up so soon I can hardly believe it. In less then a month I'll be away in Calcutta, experiencing new things and having new adventures.

Since my last post, nothing interesting has occurred. Well... that's not entirely true. I went to see a gastro-interologist (sp?) on Wednesday. I'm going to have a endoscopy and sigmoidoscopy done. I have no idea how to spell those terms correctly or explain what they entail. All I know is I get to see the inside of my digestive tract on camera. I have to say, I'm rather curious to know what that looks like. Who gets to say they've seen the inside of their gut? I do... woo hoo.
I also got my vaccinations for India on Friday. That wasn't really exciting except for the fact that I had some mild side effects from my typhoid vaccine. I was hoping to have more obvious symptoms of typhoid so I could have at least taken a day off work. I would have totally had a valid excuse.

Anyways, tonight I had my second India meeting at church and we had to do all these team building excercises. Now, I know these types of things are important, especially for spiritual reasons, but I find them so lame. Do people really care if I like sweet things over sour things? We had to pray afterwards and I have to admit that I was SO not into it. I really wanted to leave and get out of there. I had this desire to get out and see someone, a certain person, but I can't figure out who this person is. Who am I looking for? And why I am looking for someone when I should be concentrating on God and my trip? Lately I have been so distracted. It's weird. Maybe tomorrow I can sit down and take some time to focus on what's important. Let's hope I can keep my mind on that.

brand spankin new

So... this is my blog. I decided that since everyone has something like this, I should attempt to become cool and popular by following along. I hope this will be interesting. I really don't like the idea of writing things here and having people think it incredibly boring and mundane. That would just suck. In order to avoid such a situation, I have arranged it that I will write about my India trip. Let's hope that is insanely fun to read about, otherwise... well, you'll be out of luck (and I'll just feel really lame).

Hope you enjoy.