Updates

So my landlord got a call from my neighbours complaining about drifting second hand smoke in their apartment. Jean Pierre told them he would address it immediately and is even considering asking the new tenants to move out if the situation cannot be rectified. He called me today to let me know they were going to do some construction in the basement to fix the problem. I'm really hoping it will work.

I also saw my one of the "smokers" the other day walking into the house as I was leaving. He was not very polite. I think he thinks I'm the mean anti-smoker girl who is trying to prevent him from enjoying his own house. Meh...

In regards to fasting, Esther didn't last too long. She broke her fast at around 2:30 by scratching her head. As for me, I still haven't watched tv yet and I must say, my life is so much more productive. I should have stopped watching tv years ago, particularly while I was in school. Just think of how much I could have accomplished. Mind you, watching tv in residence was always fun, especially in Marg Ad when everyone would sit and watch Sex and the City and Queer as Folk.

long nostalgic sigh

I miss university and it's communal feeling. Every evening I distinctly remember the familiar sight of getting off the elevator and walking into a common room full of fun. All your friends would be hanging out and playing ping pong joking about some residence gossip: the 5th floor Don who was dating a frosh, the stolen ping pong table from 4th, stealing Pat's beer and the weird phone sex the White Night had the night before.

Being bored never lasted for long. You could always go and find a friend to complain about your courses and the length of research papers. There seemed to be a never ending amount of conversational topics to dsicuss such as: 9-11, the rise of the new US imperialism, the art history prof who looked like Sean Connery(sp?)or the sociology prof who died his hair.

I miss the Halloween and Christmas parties and the catty girly conversations over lunch in the dinning hall. I miss the times when my girlfriends and I would put on the Rent cd at 4am and dance like mad to wake ourselves up or the many times we avoided writing our Force and Statecraft papers by jumping over Bean's large stack of newspapers. I miss sneaking St. Mike's and Trinity boys into the dinning hall when the T-Card lady was distracted talking to the janitor/gardner. I miss being carefree, with limitless options and an untouched, unblemished future.

Yes, I miss you, UofT.

My that was a long tangent.

On to other news... life is good right now. I applied to some jobs today, finished off my internship from Humber and found some amazing new job opportunities with Engineers Without Borders and the Aga Khan Foundation.

This weekend is also shaping up to be a good one. I'm hanging out with Chuck on Friday and then with Catherine later on. We're due time for some fun girly sister time. On Saturday I am spending part of my day with Nathan taking pictures then going out for lunch with Meg and hot police investigator, Raj and his friend Shekar. This will be followed by a fun going-away party extravaganza for my roomy, Esther, who is leaving to go back home and then to Costa Rica. On Sunday I am going to relax, hang out with my Vic pal, Patrick and then go to the Love Feast.

Should be good times.

Who knew fasting could be so much fun

The sermon last night at Freedomize pertained to fasting and temptation and at the end of the service, David put out a call to recommit our lives to God by fasting. The pastoral team at Freedomize has decided to take the sermon to heart and will be fasting this week from Thursday night (12am) to Friday night (12am). I've decided to participate in this as long as I am cautious about what I do during those 24 hours. I can't do strenuous activities otherwise I'll pass out from low blood sugar.This whole fasting bit shouldn't be too bad except the part where Esther and I go to a party on Friday night. Let's hope I am seriously entertained at this event so I won't notice the delicious food nearby.

With the above in mind, Esther and I decided we should fast for a whole week. I decided to fast from television because I watch it too much as a method of procrastination. Esther couldn't really figure out what to fast from and decided she would fast from scratching. I advised her not to do this b/c sometimes one just has to get rid of good itch. She assured me she over-itches and that this is a really good idea.

My fast started this morning and Esther's begins at noon today (we just decided). She has now proceeded to scratch as much as possible in the next ten minutes.

This is quite entertaining.

Basement apartment chain smokers

Over the last few weeks I have been noticing the strong odor of cigarette fumes. At first it was not that bad as the construction crew smoked during their lunch breaks as they completed the basement renovations. Periodically you could smell cigarette smoke wafting up the stairwell and into our apartment and on occasion, while they were working late, you could smell the smoke in our living room and sunroom. It never seemed to bother me as it quickly dissipated once the men were back to work or had left for the day.

Recently the smell of cigarettes has become unbearable. It seems that two young men have moved into the downstairs apartment and they are chain smokers. Yesterday before going to bed, my entire sunroom, living room, bedroom and bathroom reeked of stale cigarettes. It became so bad that during the night, I woke up to the smell of cigarettes and then proceeded to have a vivid dream about a crazy lady who lied to her landlord about smoking after her neighbours complained. This is totally off topic, but in my dream Felicity had a lovely room with 20 foot walls. Her walls were covered with racks and racks of clothing and shoes. I always thought Felicity had a lot of clothes, I just never imagined that she had that many.

Anyways, I have no idea how to fix this problem. I spent part of my Wednesday evening researching the Toronto munipical by-laws regarding smoking tenants. Man, tenants who live in buildings with smokers literally have no rights. The City of Toronto and the province has made significant efforts to prohibit smoking in public places (even on sidewalk patios) to protect people from the harmful affects of second hand smoke, yet they refuse to legislate smoking in apartment buildings, condominiums, complexes and converted residential homes. This to me makes no sense. It appears that I am protected from health hazards out in public but not in my own home.

Furthermore, the government is reluctant to put create new legislation for smokers in regards to their residences as it would infringe on their personal rights and freedoms. I do understand their point. The government has no right to intervene and attempt to dictate an individuals behavior in their own home (keeping in mind they are not participating in, endorsing or committing illegal acts). Under the provincial/territorial tenancy laws, people are entitled to "quiet enjoyment" of their home, which includes the right to be free from unreasonable disturbances of other tenants or their guests. I suppose a smoker could argue he/she is quietly enjoying his/her home and in essence not making any disturbance. I could very well make the case that drifting second hand smoke consitutes an inreasonable distrubance and request some form of remedy. A rememdy could be anything from renovations/repairs to the building to breaking the lease.

I am not yet clear on what course of action to take. Obviously the situation is not to the point of taking legal action. I think it wise to at least attempt to speak to my downstairs neighbours and inform them of how their actions are affecting me and my housemate as well as the tenants below and above me. Perhaps they would be willing to work out a possible solution thereby avoiding the intervention of the landlord. I am doubtful. There are so many places today that prohibit smoking I would think smokers feel pressured and discriminated. This type of request could propel my nbeighbours to be even more committed and obstinate in their right to smoke.

Considering I have not even seen these guys it would be rather unsettling to confront them after just introducing myself. I guess I could always write them a lovely Christmas card or when I see them in the laundry room introduce myself and be as friendly as possible. As we know, I am not the most tactful of people and tend to come off as very blunt. In this case, I don't know how long I can conceal my irritation.

Oh Father, give me patience and diplomacy.

2 questions

1) How do you tell a friend that they've hurt you without looking completely crazy? I bet you're thinking, "they're your friend, you should be able to be honest with them." Yes, I know I should be honest, but I am afraid it will make the situation worse. Sometimes confrontation, even if it's needed, doesn't always have the results you would like. Apparently safe people confront people, thereby making them safe. Couldn't you be unsafe and confront people because you're aggressive and manipulative?

Ah manipulation. I found out recently that if you are trying to control another person through your actions and decisions that that is a form of witchcraft. This makes me feel rather convicted because I know there have been times when I have acted in ways that are unholy or that are not reflective of my Christian values just to make someone do something that I want.

I can't believe I just admitted that on my blog.

2) I think a guy friend likes me and I have no idea how to deal with this. We get along amazingly well and we have all the same interests but I just, I don't know? I'm just not that into him. I need advice here, people. In no way am I trying to point out how fabulous I am that a guy likes me and I don't return the sentiment. He is really sweet and so amazingly kind and I genuinely don't want to hurt him. So...what should I do? This whole business makes me stress.

Whenever this happened in the past, the guy would supposedly take my response well and then he would not talk to me for weeks and when I would see him he would avoid me. Then when I would say that I missed his friendship he would say that I had not talked to him in weeks and that I had been ignoring him. (huh?) Then we would attempt to be friends again but it would be all weird and things just never seemed to go back to the way they were.

I had a guy once tell me that he didn't like me b/c he needed to be with some who is more relaxed. Did I flip out? No. Did I refuse to talk with him? No. Are we still friends? Oddly enough no, but I swear it's not b/c things were weird, it's b/c he moved to another city. Seriously, you may feel rejected at first (relaxed? I am SO relaxed!! What the hell?!) but you get over it and realize that said person probably has good reason for not wanting to date you. And you anticipate someone better coming along.

Really, why is it that men get all weird when a girl says they don't like them? Maybe I am being one-sided. Perhaps I am being unfair and not recognizing my part in this. Maybe I was really ignoring my friend. Did make an error? The loss of our friendship could really be ALL my fault. Hmm... I wish I didn't have to deal with these things.

Well, on that note, I am off to a meeting.

Kinda exciting

Take a look see...

My mad obsession

Oh my goodness, I am totally obsessed with Grey's Anatomy!

I feel incredibly lame talking about a television show on a blog ( I need to get out more) but this show is so AMAZING I just have to talk about it. Recently I rented a DVD of the first five episodes from the first season on the advice of Lavle (who knew eh?) and since then, I cannot stop renting Grey's DVDs. Last night I began the 2nd season and oh my God, I want to change professions and hopefully one day marry a mirror image of Patrick Dempsey (long sigh).

Since watching the show I have also developed an inner narrative. As I was getting ready for work this morning I proceeded to describe my emotional state in the third person using silly analogies of breakfast preparations. Sometimes I am so glad no one can hear my thoughts but God. He must laugh at some of the things I think about. It must be highly entertaining.

On to other news, we were given a security tape of the guy who robbed our office last week. As we watched this robbery unfold I felt uneasy but couldn't pinpoint why. After taking a stroll over lunch I realized I had seen this guy walking into the building a few weeks back. What's really sucky is that he was very good looking, probably one of the hottest guys I have seen in the last month. He had this awesome gray jacket with nice jeans and he wore these fantastic gray pumas. He looked Italian. For some reason I always like Italian men (?) And just to clarify, not the gino types who like techno music, evicta backpacks and dance with glo-sticks.

So... I'm infatuated with the guy who stole our office monitors. He may be a jerk for stealing from a non-profit organization dedicated to improving the lives of women all over the world, but he certainly looks dang sexy.

Shallow much?

Clue #1

Tengo que aprender español...
¿Puede alguien ayudarme?
Pienso que necesito a amante latino caliente

I just need someone to teach me Spanish. Let's hope that's what I said.

The thriving metropolis of Sarnia

Last night I hitched a ride in a rental car with the Hunters to attend Ann Marie's fundraiser for her trip to Mozambique. After a long four hour drive to Sarnia we arrived for an event that was not what I had expected. I guess I assumed it would be full of young twenty somethings like most Freedomize outings, but instead it was packed with "old" people. It's rather silly and mean to call them old as they were mostly in their 40s and 50s, which is actually quite young if you think about it.

In light of the crowd, the night was your typical small town church event. They had a spread of food laid out in the church gym with a makeshift stage displaying African printed blankets and pillows. They served coffee and tea in Timmy's cups with various other assortments of potluck type hors d'oeuvres. I find Church suppers usually always provide one with exposure to new combinations of food. There is always some jello mixture with marshmallows, odd variations of tomato aspect, and egg salad sandwiches with some form of homemade pickled vegetable. Fortunately for me, Annie had made most of the food so it was all normal in appearance and taste and very yummy.

Following the fundraiser Ade and I helped Annie clean things up and then the three of us headed over to the local pub to meet up with Ade's friend Ron and his dad. Hanging out at a random hotel bar on a Saturday night with a middle aged man was not my ideal, but the evening turned out to be very enjoyable.

Ron's dad is your typical Brit who comes from the town of Liverpool. He had an accent, which as the evening porgressed, became thicker as he drank more alcohol. At some points it became increasingly difficult to understand him. Despite his inebriated state, we became engrossed in a conversation on British politics and colonialism. This man was probably the most patriotic Englishman I have ever encountered. He was so infuriatingly pro-Commonwealth (England rules the world, we are the best colonizers, and we should still rule the world) that I had to work to contain my utter shock and disbelief at the ridiculousness of his claims and opinions.

After graduating from university a few years back, I often wondered if my education was a waste of time. Would I ever need to discuss long-term effects of imperialism and the rise of neo-liberal policies with the average person? Why would anyone care about the Falkand Islands conflict? Well, to my delight all these topics were breached last night and to my amazement, I defended my points very articulately and with much vigour. Not to be conceited, but I think he was impressed. At one point he turned to Ade and told her that when he was my age he never considered politics an interesting subject and that all he ever wanted to do was get laid. We were uh... taken aback by this comment.

The evening continued as I drove his dad home to avoid the police ride check outside the hotel. I have to admit; it was rather odd to be driving a car that belonged to a man I hardly knew. At first I thought I might be getting into an unsafe situation, but the whole way home he complimented me on my driving and showed me various ways to drive that saves "petrol". I don't know if they actually work but when I get a car (or if someone has the gumption to lend me theirs) I'll have to test out his theories.

After dropping off dad, Ade and I drove over to meet Annie and Ron at his house where we indulged in cigars, listened to awesome music and looked at demotivational posters. I discovered that Ron and I had similar views on music (we both have a mad love for K-OS and Jurassic 5 and hate melancholy emotional crap), subsidized housing, classism, social justice and development.

The night concluded with Ann Marie and me sharing a bed at her place. We giggled and chatted until 3:30am until finally we were so tired, we went to sleep. I miss my friend so much and wished that my departure could have been delayed so we could spend the entire afternoon together. I can’t believe she leaves on Thursday for Africa. The closer she gets to leaving the more excited I become for her. It is absolutely exhilarating to see someone I love experience the realization of a most passionate long-standing dream. Even if I am dismayed with my own present circumstances, I am quite satisfied to watch my friend enjoy God’s blessings. It has not always been easy for me to say this with sincerity, but today I can say that I truly mean it.

I could go on forever about the gloriousness of my weekend. I had a particularly excellent Friday as well but this post is long enough and I have to get going as church is at 5pm.

Happy Sunday :)

Johanna

Could this possibly work?

IJM finally gave the go-ahead to proceed with their CIDA proposal. I am so relieved to hear this that this morning after getting a call from my boss, I practically told the entire CSJ office, including the chair and board. Seriously, this is such a relief to me b/c I was beginning to think that the whole thing was a waste of my time and was never going to work. I am uncertain if this proposal contract will proceed smoothly but right now there is great potential for experience. To be honest, I don't understand why God would provide me with the connections and opportunity and then have it all fall apart. I mean, I guess he has purpose in everything, even if I don't quite understand it, but I just find that really odd. I guess we'll see what He does.

I also got to attend a fun working session this morning on the campaign. It was interesting but a bit too heavy for 9:30am. We discussed the idea of redefining the way average people talk about political issues. For example: tax cuts. Tax cuts are always considered to be a positive thing b/c they save the working person money every year. But taxation is very important to social programming and if we weren't taxed than we wouldn't have the programs we have. So tax cuts are really a decrease in the investment in education, healthcare, the environment etc... Then we talked about persuasive narrative and communication strategies. All very interesting except it was so full of academic and ideological vocabulary I almost wanted to scream. I can't blame these guys. They're professors and scholars and so to expect them to speak everyday (colloquial) language is probably unrealistic. Anywho, the meeting was good and actually quite productive considering we basically narrowed down our strategies and have begun to focus on our strengths.

During the conversation, the topic of hiring new staff came up. It seems that if all goes well, I am going to get hired on here. This is good news b/c up to this point I have been working to make it clear to my boss that I am an asset. My boss also told me that for the course of my internship he has planned to give me an honorarium. This is so sweet b/c I was not expecting to get paid any money at all. Apparently they're offering to pay for my travel costs, my lunch plus give me $1000. Not bad eh?

In other news, AWID gave me a FANTASTIC assignment on women's human rights in Sri Lanka. I get to create questions for an interview with a women who runs a feminist NGO in Sri Lanka called INFORM. It's pretty snazzy. The cool part about the whole thing is that this interview will be published and maybe my name will be on it. That would look good on my CV. I hate to say it, but right now, everything I do has to be relevant for my CV. It sucks and seems underhanded but it's just the reality of my life. If I want to go to law school, I need to have the best fricken CV on the planet.

Did I also mention that I got birthday money and bought a pair of rockin winter boots and some really snazzy pants. Oh yes, I'm gonna look really hot this fall.

Well, gotta go.

I've had a great weekend thus far. THis Friday night I went out with some friend for my birthday. It was small as only few people attended but I enjoyed the conversation and general ease and relaxation of the evening. In particular a good friend from high school came out. She had just gotten back from Guyana and we were able to catch up over dinner. I also found that another good friend of mine from hih school is pregnant. The whole night seemed exciting in light of that news.

This morning I slept in until 11. It was glorious as I have been waking up super early all week to work at the Centre and AWID. After getting up and taking my time getting dressed, I walked over to the little bistro near my house for breakfast with my sister. This bistro is usually over-priced but this morning I had eggs benedict and tea all for free. This was due to the fact that J.P. (Catherine's boyfriend) just got a job working as a cook and apparently the head chef has a crush on me. I have to admit, although I would NEVER consider this person as a suitable romantic partner, I certainly enjoy free food. And, keep in mind that I am not supposed to be privy to such "personal" information.

After a lengthy and leisurely breakfast, Cat and I returned home and chatted. This was followed by a ridiculous cleaning spree, which involed me cleaning absolutely every part of my apartment. I find cleaning addictive and at some points very therapeutic.

Following my cleaning spree, I went to Ann Marie's going away party at Nathan's, which was quite fun. I left early to come home and I just watched the Count of Monte Cristo and it was quite good. It didn't follow the storyline/plot from the book but I liked it. If you know me, you'll know that I am incredibly picky when it comes to film adpatations of well-known pieces of literature. I have never been impressed with Austen films, particularly Pride and Prejudice. Although the BBC version come close. Anyways, this plot left out so much pertinent information and various sub-plots, which in my mind should have been expanded upon so that people could really get a sense of the mastery of Dumas' writing.

In terms of general entertainment, I thought it FANTASTIC!! I expecially liked the guy who played Edmond. GOsh he awa hunky. I couldn't figure out where he was from so I googled him and discovered he played Jesus in the Passion of the Christ. Everyone who plays Jesus in films are always good looking. I don't know why considering the Bible does not describe Jesus as a hunky man. I think the most attractive Jesus by far has been Ted Nealy. Dude was HOT.

Yes, I am sure that I could discuss ogther pertinent issues on this blog,like politics or something international affairs related but sometimes, a good disucssion of hot Jesus actors is needed. Besides, it's 1:42am. What else could I possibly talk about?

Scattered brained and distracted. Oh...silly David

I got in trouble today at work. Apparently when you edit something you are supposed to save the new AND the old document. I don't know why I should have several copies of one document with various edits but apparently they are needed. Erasing these previous documents is "not very bright" (quoted from David, my boss). Gosh, they could really use a footnothing option in blogger.

Speaking of David, he is so funny. Recently he called me from his car to discuss a proposal we were writing. At first I thought he was sitting in a parking lot as he was actually reading out the document to me and telling me what words he didn't like in specific paragraphs and then I realized he was driving along college street reading my proposal and editing it over the phone. Later on while dropping me off at a subway station, I noticed that his car was standard. Let's just say I have a new appreciation for multi-tasking.

He also has these moments at work where he gets really confused and forgets how to use the phone. Periodically he ends up hanging up on major sponsors and donors as he is simultaneously writing emails, talking on his cell and searching for documents on the floor of his office. Sometimes he intends to put someone on hold but attempts to dial out instead which causes the phone to make a very loud beeping alert noise. This is usually followed by some sort of grumbling or crass language which I cannot repeat here.

In so many ways he drives me nuts. For example, today I entered his office and it was absolutely freezing. I asked if the air conditioning was on and David pointed out that the window was open. When I tried to close the window I couldn't because he had removed two of the window panes for cleaning. We decided to put them back except we couldn't find them anywhere in his office. I don't know how it's possible to misplace two large window panes but David managed to do it. We eventually found them behind a shelf underneath papers and binders.

He is constantly scheduling meetings and then forgetting to attend them. He once scheduled a staff meeting to discuss project progress reports and deadlines and then was away at a conference in Quebec. He also likes to assume that he is paying me by making remarks like, "What an excellend idea! This is why we pay you". I have to remind him that he doesn't.

Although I find David to be a bit distracting and somewhat scatter-brained, the more I get to know him the more I like him. We had lunch today and chatted about MA programs and post-graduate work. He was really helpful and very encouraging. In so many ways he really surprises me. I never thought that a guy with a PhD and all his academic credentials took ten years to complete his B.A. (Yes, it is possible to fuck up your undergrad and still do well later on. Who knew?)

Despite my frustration with his lack of organization, I seem to be managing better. I realize that I do contribute and in some ways am discovering some of my strengths. It's a good feeling. I know I have a ways to go but I feel I've made a good start, and that's half the battle. I keep reminding myself that it's not about the end goal but about the process (props to Petey).

Frustrated

Today my boss asked me to start up a social justice blog. I thought it would be a great idea for the campaign and so I began to work at writing up our founding document for our very first post. I even had some people ready to comment. The whole thing would be fantastic except for the program we are using for our blog. I'm sure it's not a program but I don't know what else to call it. I swear if it was a person I would totally kick it in the head. Yes, I said kick it in the head. Not punch, kick. Grr... It kept changing the font on me, the colours, the spacing, making it bold etc... I was so pissed off after two hours of working away that I just gave up. What the hell am I doing wrong? Someone tell me b/c I have no idea why this is acting this way. I blog here and cut and paste all the time and never have any problems. Why is this so difficult? Boo-urns.

Bah

Peacekeeping Job #2

There is a new advertisement up for a project officer in Montreal with the Pearson Peacekeeping Centre. It pays well and it offers the potential of traveling all over Africa training peacekeepers from various African nations. I want this job! I just sent off my application and this time I didn't spend endless hours writing and editing my cover letter. I wrote what I thought was good and sent it off. I didn't even ask a friend to edit it. The last time I applied to the PPC they didn't even acknowledge receiving my resume. With my recent application, I asked for them to respond to let me know they had successfully received the attachments. Let's hope I hear from them.

Two other girls that I know of applied for this position. One is a great girl who got short listed for the last PPC job I applied to. I expect that she's got the position already if she's not working for some other organization. The other girl is a friend of mine who is the most pessimistic person I've ever encountered. I don't know if she would get hired after an interview. Was that wrong to point out her pessimism? I take that back, she's not pessimistic she's... very realistic. Anyways, whatever happens I hope one of us gets hired. I won't lie, I hope it's me. Frick that would SO rock! I would get to live in Montreal. I could move away from Toronto and be one of those exciting people who are going through "transition time".

Stupid transition time (grumble grumble). I think I have a bad case of the "poor mes" today. I have been going on and on with myself about how everyone has moved away and I'm stuck in Toronto working for International Justice Mission and the Centre for Social Justice. It seems like all those close to me are moving to foreign lands or new places to pursue their dreams. Just yesterday I counted all the foreign friends I now have; friends in Tanzania, Kenya, Goa, Sri Lanka, Cairo, Yemen, Kazakhstan, Bali, Maui, Korea, the Dominican Republic and countless other places. I have friends who aren't even in development who are going to the Philippines, Mozambique and Holland to do mission training. I say good for them. I should not be envious or bitter. I should rejoice. When I eventually get money I will have tons of places to stay for free!

That is not sufficient to cheer me up.

Life is not entirely bad here. And even though I am not traveling somewhere my life is in a transition period too, it's just not as exciting as other people. My volunteer position at the Centre for Social Justice may end up turning into a real job. My boss wants me to help him coordinate and organize a national pre-election campaign for civic engagement. Once funding is given for the campaign he said he would pay me a working wage. This opportunity appeals to me, except for the fact that I have to work with the most scatter-brained person on the planet. My boss is so ADD it's impossible to get him to focus to even map out our campaign strategies and general deadlines. Part of last week was spent attempting to fix up his founding documents to present to the Working Committee of union heads/leaders and it took us two days (and countless hours of my frustration).

I also got a call from IJM telling me my contract is still a go. I am back working on a proposal and should be done in the next three weeks to a month. I also got a phone call from AWID (a women's rights organization) to do an internship. I had applied for an internship with them in June and was interviewed with two other people but did not get the job. Apparently the person they did hire was terrible and left early. Phht, serves them right for not hiring me. Jerks. Ahem...the point is they want me to work for them, for free of course because no one ever pays people in my field unless they have an MA or gazillion years of experience. Man, this poor me stuff really has to go.

In some relatively good news, I started doing practice LSATs and I am getting questions right. I am so smart! Yes, be impressed people (if anyone indeed reads this blog) I do have some level of intelligent thought and according to the people of the Princeton Review, I will be on my way to law school any day now. Of course I believe them and why not, they're from Princeton and Ivy League schools are always right; at least in my estimation.

So you see life is not so terrible. I potentially have a job with the PPC, I have two internships with two relatively good organizations (one which will eventually pay me), I still have a contract with IJM and I am on my way to LSAT glory and success.

So why do I still feel bad?

My house smells like asphalt

Someone is doing roadwork nearby and my whole house smells like tar. It's yucky. Oddly enough, the smell of road seems to make me very hungry. I've been eating all day.

So, I haven't posted in awhile. I have lots to say at the moment but can never figure out how to express it all. I always seem to edit the crap out of my posts to make sure there are no grammatical errors or repetitive use of words, but I think for now, I am just going to rant away and you can read if you choose. That was long sentence.

Let's see, where to begin.

I have come to realize that the things I have wanted for so very long are not indeed what I need. Basically I realized that what I was dreading was actually what was best and now that it's occurred I feel some relief. I don't want to say that I am completely relieved because I am not. If anything even though I know things are where they should be I still feel this ache in my heart. I am sad and this time of grief, although for a season, is needed to redirect my priorities, renew my passion, and motivate me to aim for a new level of spiritual maturity.

The last two months have been all about personal growth, particularly this week. Since Sunday I have been on a rollercoaster ride of emotion. It changes moment by moment. At some points I have cried for no reason (I never thought an Excel spreadsheet could stir up such an emotioanl response from me. I'm sure my co-workers think I'm right nuts.) and then at other times I have felt so confident; more confident than I have ever felt before. I don't know how to reconcile such trying mood swings. My tendency is to analyse why this is happening, but instead I am choosing to go with the flow, letting my emotions come and go realizing that they are not negative or positive. I may be happy or sad, but no matter how I feel it does not change the truth of my life or who I am. Knowing that has made life more bearable and if anything, has been a great comfort.

One of the most validating experiences this week has been my appointment with Rupen, the program director of IPMP at Humber. I went in to discuss procurement manuals (oh ah) and we had an indepth discussion about my two field placements. As I talked he just sat and listened(thank goodness he has a MA in psychiatry). To my surprise, I was quite upset. So upset that I could barely discuss it without getting teary. Finally after I finished, he looked at me and with so much sincerety pointed out that I had every reason to feel frustrated. I was shocked. Maybe it was because it came from someone I strongly respect and admire or perhap it was because it was coming from an adult who really understood what I was feeling, but when he uttered those few words I felt a weight lift from my shoulders. Validation can mean so much. For the first time in weeks I felt hope. It was exhilerating!

This new feeling of hope has really given me new perspective. I need to make drastic changes to my life, which in my view are not going to be easy. Yeah, I could lament about how I will be humbled and blah blah blah but what does that accomplish? Yes, it's going to be hard and it's going to be difficult. It's supposed to be that way. No one said it would be easy. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy. Yes, that's a tacky cliched statement but it's true. If I want my life to be different, I have to make different choices. There is no easy way around it. But I'd rather have the knowledge that the road ahead is bumpy then not venture on it at all.

This desire to make drastic changes has been coming for awhile. So with this in mind I have made some positive steps. I bought an LSAT prep book. Yes I have said it before, but this time I actually mean it. I am going to write the LSAT. I have booked my test for December 2nd so it IS going to happen (unless I'm dead or in some foreign land). I just spent $118 of my precious money to take a 5 hour test which may or may not determine my ability to apply to law school. Buying the book really confirmed a lot for me as I have wanted to go to lawschool for the last three years. I applied to do my MA because I thought it would look good on my CV and then I went to Humber instead because I thought I needed practical experience. But all along, I wanted to go to lawschool. I was just afraid to take a step out and attempt to pursue that goal. I want this and I am going to do it. There is no such thing as trying. You either do it or you don't and the result is either success or failure. If you fail, pick yourself up and do it again and again until you succeed (or until another opportunity comes along or you just get tired). The best part about knowing God is that I never fail. I only keep retaking the test again until I pass.

God is definitely good to me. Although life as of late has been rough, I feel His peace, which I consider a fruitful development. I am surrounded by chaos and confusion, but I can still see my Father's face. This is something new to me, but it's a wonderful feeling. I don't want to lose it. If that means I will forever be uncertain about my future and how life will unfold, that's alright. This is the best place I've been yet.

I watched tv today for the first time in weeks. It's odd to have been away from my mind numbing friend. While in university television was such a relief. It was nice to sit and watch ridiculousness for an hour as a study break just to give my mind some time to process after reading so much political theory, history etc...

After being away from tv, when I return I am always shocked and pleaseed with what I see. There always seems to be the overtly sexual shows where breasts and other such body parts are seen on a regular basis. The over-use of sexual innuendos can be exhausting. There also is just more and more junk being advertised. I saw this horrible infomercial tonight on JeMagic. Please, do not decorate your homes with this contraption. It's hideous.

Nonetheless, there still seems to be some really good programming out there. Tonight, after having a productive day sending out resumes, I decided to watch a doc on WWI and the history of the Haitian military coup of 1991. I don't care how much people say television sucks up your brain cells, it's a great way to learn and educate the average person. Even watching the news can be informative and enlightening, despite the constant analysis we must do in order to have an objective and factual view of the world. The amount of information we can receive from one hour of television is enormous and I must say, if one is scrupulous and discerning, it can be rather produtive and useful.

The crazy monster from Robarts

The cutest little Korean toddler came to talk to me today. His mom was keeping a close eye on him as he meandered around the book displays. After exploring the cafeteria, the vending machine room and the t-card office he was completely certain that there was a monster somewhere about. He came right up to me (ballsy little man he was) and started gibbering away using expressive hand gestures. I have no idea what he was saying as he was speaking a combination of English, French and Korean. Apparently his name is Jacob and I should stay away from the monster's lair (the janitor closet). I'm amazed at the skills of children today. This little guy is two and already multilingual. Crazy eh?

Good quote

"Regretful pasts and worried futures make for absent lives. Live now or never live."

Ah, the joys of procrastination

I have work to do
I was supposed to do it last night
I was pleasantly distracted

tee hee

A lengthy post

OK, so I have been incredibly distracted lately. It's like I get focused on one thing and I can't seem to see past it. Today, I received an email from my aunt who wants me to connect with this guy working in Bali. She gave me his blog address and so I decided to check it out. Man, it was AWESOME!! It reminded me of what I want to do with my life and to get off my ass and stop wasting my time. I just realized how much potential I have (props to Meredith). I must take action and I must do it NOW! It makes me angry to think that I wasted precious time thinking and analyzing situations or relationships that just don't matter. Seriously, in light of God's plans for my life all the little worries of the present are so irrelevant and it makes me frustrated with myself that I have been consumed with self-deprecating thought. Grr...

In light of that revelation, I picked myself up and started to do some work. First, I ended up having a wicked-ass phone conversation with a family friend who I recently discovered works at CIDA. I get to tell her what I want to do and she'll tell me if it's possible (wee). I mean, who knew I actually would develop a connection with some big-wig at CIDA? After that I made the long trek out to Etobicoke to Humber to print off all the things I need for IJM and the Centre for Social Justice. I have so much crap to do and like usual, it's all due at the same time. Hmm... this feels oddly familiar.

I've been at Humber now for several hours reading all the IJM documentation. I have a complete budget of their entire project in Bolivia. It's so detailed that I have all the financial info for this organization down to their laundry expenses. This is nuts! I cannot believe I am looking at documents like this. Well I can, I just didn't expect it to be so soon after finishing school. Um yeah, let's hope no one from IJM Canada figures out that I have no idea what I am doing.

Also, I became an expert at looking up international legal documents pertaining to Indigenous rights. I thought this would be incredibly boring but I have to admit, this is REALLY interesting. Canadian Aboriginals have been terribly mistreated in this country and it makes me angry that our government has done so little to address their current situation. The whole thing is appalling. I feel a rant coming on...

Why would the nation of Canada, the Canadian government; a western power and proponent of multilateralism and international law; a supporter of the rights and principles enshrined in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, the Covenant on Civil and Political Rights, and the Covenant on the Rights of the Child; and a constant outspoken advocate of international justice and humanitarianism, be so against the fair treatment of their own citizens? These people, people that are loved by OUR God, people who have the right to dignity and equality have been neglected and are forced to live in poverty and isolation. This pisses me off! This is why I should be a lawyer. To help make laws that are needed and force countries to be accountable for the treaties and conventions they sign. No wonder people think international law is a joke. Countries NEVER adhere to their commitments. Just look at Kyoto. Now I know what Stephen Lewis means when he talks about HIV/AIDS in Africa and the MDGs. Apathy is abhorrent.

That is all… for now

Here kitty kitty

I might be kitten sitting for four days. Just think: two beautiful little muffins running around my house and tearing up my couch, wreaking havoc on everything I hold dear. I can't wait! Anyone wanna come over and see the little boos? You know you wanna...

I need a break

I haven't written here in a long while. I feel I have nothing pertinent to say anymore. For the last two weeks I have socialized a lot, which I have thoroughly enjoyed, but I find that it has been too much for me to handle. I love people but I desire space for me and my over-analysis. Yes, general thinking time is what I need otherwise I will no longer be able to carry on normal conversation.

A glorious night

I walked home tonight in my bare feet in the pouring rain. The puddles were lovely and cool. My whole walk was so enjoyable and refreshing. I love rain. It's so clean.

School is finally over. I did my last test today and I think I could have done better. Actually, it was probably really bad but I don't care, I'm glad it's done. It was out of 100 with 30 multiple choice questions each worth 3 marks (retarded if you ask me) and then an essay question on the UN Social Summit in Copenhagen. Anywho, I bullshitted a lot and made a few guesses. But, there was a lot on the test that I knew, which of course made me happy b/c I really didn't study very much last night. So, I rock for knowing a lot of UN information and odd Cdn. historical facts. Actually, I think the prof wrote a question wrong. He said that the UN was created by Roosevelt and Churchill, but it was really created by Woodrow Wilson after WWI with the creation of the League of Nations. Anyways, that's not the point. The point is that school is done and I can now have a real life.

To make my life even better than it is at this moment, I got offered a job today from a friend who is working for Stephane Dion (former enviro. minister) who is running in the Liberal leadership race. Apparently I would be typing some random party information into a database (boring) but I would get a lovely reference letter from the potential "Official Leader of the Opposition." Hmm... I don't know? I'm thinking it be a lot of fun plus I would get about $100/day. Right now I have the option of going to a cottage, working or hanging out in Toronto for Canada Day weekend. I can't decide. Someone needs to point me in the right direction.

Update on peacekeeping job

Yeah, so I didn't get shortlisted for the peacekeeping job in Ottawa. Actually, I never even got an email confirmation telling me they received my resume. Ah well. Another girl in my class applied too and has an interview. That's what I heard, but it was a tid bit of gossip, so who knows if it's true. True or not, I am glad one of us got an interview. At least it tells me that people from my course can have a chance at a real job. Ok, to avoid lying through my teeth, I will say that I am disappointed and feel rather crummy that this girl got an interview instead of me. But I never really felt I had a strong chance of getting the job. I just wanted to apply for something and follow through. For some reason, I am not dismayed but am at peace. Weird. God has a plan for my life, plans for me to prosper, to give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). I trust that. Perhaps that job wouldn't have suited me. For whatever reason, it's not mine and Jesus is in control. Thank goodness.

School is almost done. THANK GOD!! I have one minor assignment to do and then a test next Tuesday. I am so thankful things are coming to a close as I want to get on with my life. I am sick of school and just getting a job would make me happy. Well, not just any job, but a job in development. I have some leads, which I discovered last Saturday at a conference on justice. Exciting! In September I might potentially be in Cambodia or maybe I'll be in California doing some work for an amazing mission organization. Who knows? I certainly don't. We'll see where God places me.

"It's not right, but it's okay": an ode to Rachet

Today I hung out with an old friend, Rachel. She is home for a week from the Dominican Republic and I am so glad that she spared a little time to talk with me. There is so much about Rachel that I love and admire. She stayed back in Barrie for three years to wait for God's direction while all of her friends went away to university and college. She worked at Walmart for 7 years to save enough money to go to the DR and since living there for over a year she has perservered in her goals. She has remained firm in her commitment to those in her little village and her employees at the art co-op despite being attacked twice and living with the abject poor. Our chat today was such a good reminder of who I want to be. It's nice to be around someone who really knows you and all your history. Despite my faults and silly choices, I am still striving for the things I once did and I'm so thankful that Rachel sees it.

Ah Rachet, how I will miss you when you go back to the DR. We have so many memories together. Like the time we went to Jess Sharpe's cottage in Amanada Catheline's car and someone spilt pop on her stereo and we couldn't turn Abba off. Or the many times when we used to drive around in my truck laughing about Whitney Houston songs. Or perhaps our longstanding feud over Rudy Westernang (oh my). The memoires are endless and I cherish every one.

I have a feeling this is going to be a hard summer. So much is happening that I don't know where to begin. I wish I could express myself here with blatant honesty, but I cannot bring myself to do it. All I can say, is that I am at point where I must face such great pain in order to move on in my spiritual life. This entails doing things that I do not want to do. It entails having my skin stripped off of me so that the new being underneath will come forth and shine. I so want this, but am uncertain how to be broken. I look at this time with joy as I am making large steps forward, but am full of sorrow as I know the journey ahead will be difficult. I can hardly think of it without crying. I want to do this on my own, but I know that I cannot. Jesus will have to carry me. We will do this together, with the knowledge that the end result will be ultimate freedom and peace. I await my reward with anticipation.

Pissy, tired and overly critical

I have spent all night working on my cover letter for a peacekeeping job. I got home from church at 8:30 and have been working on this stupid document until now (1:30am). I am exhausted and so frustrated. I finally managed to get something out that I deemed acceptable and sent it to a friend to look over only to discover that everything I had written (well, not everything, I'm being rather dramatic) was not very good. I felt so upset I wanted to burst into tears. So, after discussing ( and mostly analyzing ) what my friend said, I decided to go back and really edit my cover letter. But now, I am so tired that I can hardly think and all I want to do is go to bed. I feel so disappointed b/c I so wanted to finish this. I must be over-thinking things because it shouldn't take 5 bloody hours to write a blasted four paragraph one page coverletter!!! Grrrr....

I just realized I really want this job. It's a "special project manager' position, which has AMAZING pay, kickass benefits, frequent international travel, and is an awesome opportunity to gain first hand management experience. It's in Ottawa too (props to Ian and Mags). Long sigh... I don't know. Maybe I should just throw in the towel and sleep on it. I'll get up early and finish it tomorrow at school. Besides, I don't really need to be in communications class. Besides, I have a good excuse for not going, our teacher is terrible! I don't understand how some people get hired. This woman says "um" like every other word. Isn't that the biggest no no in communication/presentation courses?

Goodnight
Pissy, tired and overly critical,
Johanna

"If it's not baroque don't fix it"

Today I have been working on my media assignment for my Canadian Development course and I have been listening to Bach all day. Gosh, he is so amazing. I can't believe someone could create such beauty with music. My favourite is his Italian Concerto and Brandenburg Concerto #3. I have the sheet music for the Italian Concerto and have been playing it on the keyboard in our sunroom. I will never play the third movement quick enough (presto, as fast as possible), but nonetheless, it's stress relieving and fun to try :)

Back to work,
Johanna

Foolish Games

I really don't understand men who say they don't like you and then act like they do. It makes no sense. At first it can be incredibly frustrating and very hurtful but as time goes on, and after you've gotten over things, it just becomes quite amusing. I'm finding that you begin to notice little things they do and say (ie: their lame attempts at flirting). I'm getting so good at it, I can actually predict what will happen with me and particular people. In many ways, I find this to be so empowering. Ha! I used to ponder why men would act so contrary. Perhaps they are just afraid of telling me their true feelings. Maybe they like me but they don't know how much. Or maybe they are intimidated by me in some way? Perhaps they only feel physical attraction and nothing more. Maybe I should read "He's Just Not That Into You"? Hmmm.... Who knows why men do the things they do? In light of my current situation, who cares! I'm having WAY too much fun.

I suppose playing the game is really quite manipulative, but at times, why should I not partake if the other peron is begging for me to play? Why not indulge a little bit. On my end I know its meaningless. I'm not serious. So go ahead, play your game, I'll just sit back and laugh at what unfolds.

keep your fingers crossed...

I just applied to work at the UN. Let's hope I actually get an interview. Even if I don't get hired, just to get an interview would make me so thrilled. I'm excited. Woo hoo.

Praying like a mad person,
Johanna

P.S. Any petition to God for a UN job made on my behalf would be most welcome. Many thanks :)

If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all

You know what is really bothersome? When someone criticizes you in front of other people. I know there's always that same old explanation: "people put other people down because they aren't confident in themselves", but is that really true? Maybe these "put downers" are just jerks. Why do low self-esteem issues validate or explain poor behavior? I mean, if a guy felt he needed validation and slept with random girls, would we be rationalizing his behaviour? Probably not. I know the Christian thing to do is to be gracious, but when the same thing occurs over and over again, I have to admit, my patience is tested. In the end, I just feel guilted into being compassionate to these people, when in my view, their behavior is completely unacceptable.

These public put downs have been happening a lot lately and I think the next time someone criticizes me in public, I'm going to say something right then and there as a response. Seriously, I'm not all into conflict and confrontation, but sometimes putting someone in their place is a good way of clearing the air, especially if it's in front of others. I also wonder why, when someone does put you down, no one ever says anything. I'm sure some people are completely oblvious and others, I know, take notice. I have been guilty of picking up on a put down and not saying anything in another's defence. If we ever happen to hang out and someone puts you down and I notice it, I will promise to say something. I hope you would do the same for me. As for you "put-downers", watch it, I'm not letting you get away with it anymore.

Almost Done....sorta

I have one more day left of my "Major Exam and Assignment Hell Week". Last night I finished a huge section of a ridiculously huge assignment, which means that my group is almost done. Thank God!! It's due tomorrow, which is the same day that I have a final. Did I also mention that I have a final tonight as well. It's worth 40% of my mark. Anyone wanna write a test on gender, HIV/AIDS and good governance? Come on, you know wanna...

Anywho, I can't wait until the weekend. I have a wedding to go to on Saturday (yay Meredith and Jarod) and then on Sunday I have planned a whole day of total relaxation. Next week looks pretty busy though. I have applications to do for internships, I have to phone the Dominican Republic, I have to call some law firms and International Law NGOs and sign up to do the LSAT. That's right, I have finally decided that I have enough guts to write the LSAT. It's just five weeks away on June 12. I have about a month to study. I think I can manage it. I hope so anyway, some people have studied for this test for three months!! Uh oh...I best get going, I have lots of work to do.

Take that Mr. TTC, you said I couldn't do it but I did.

I'm exhausted. Today I woke up at 7:30am to get to school early to review for a test at 10am. I had class for three hours, including my ridiculous test on procurement, spent four hours doing a proposal for CIDA, went to class for another three hours, spent another four hours working on CIDA proposal and finally just got home. My eyes are killing me from having my contacts in all day and looking at various computer screens.

"Why are you blogging?" you ask.

I got a huge assignement back today, worth 40% of my overall mark. I kicked some serious ass and got 100%. HA!

I'm a frickin beast (who can set up an agricultural project in Mozambique)

A happy state

I haven't posted lately. I think my blogging days are coming to an end. That is unless I decide to catch the travel bug and take off for some foreign, exotic and war-torn location. That would definitely give me something to write about. Hopefully that will happen in the near future, maybe as soon as July or August. But for now, I am quite satisfied with life as it is. I'm content with the idea of school and working on my life and career. I am enjoying this time of self discovery and spiritual revelation. God is good, so wonderfully good. To Him be all the glory.

Is love a fancy, or a feeling? No.
It is immortal as immaculate Truth,
'Tis not a blossom shed as soon as youth,
Drops from the stem of life--for it will grow,
In barren regions, where no waters flow,
Nor rays of promise cheats the pensive gloom.
A darkling fire, faint hovering o'er a tomb,
That but itself and darkness nought doth show,
It is my love's being yet it cannot die,
Nor will it change, though all be changed beside;
Though fairest beauty be no longer fair,
Though vows be false, and faith itself deny,
Though sharp enjoyment be a suicide,
And hope a spectre in a ruin bare.

Colin Powell and Cheese cake

Colin Powell is coming to Roy Thompson Hall on Wednesday to talk about Canadian American relations. The guest speaker (isn't Colin Powell enough?) is Frank McKenna, the Canadian ambassador to the US. It costs a minimum of $245/ticket! That's the most ridiculous price for tickets I've ever seen, especially for a political discussion. Although I would buy one for myself and a friend, I think paying rent is far more important. Besides, even if tickets were reasonably priced, I'm hosting a med school party at my house for a friend on the same night. I'm making him raspberry cheesecake. Mmmm...

My reading week is over. I could have accomplished so much, but instead I lounged and watched the Olympics. I have two tests when I get back on Tuesday and for some odd reason I am not worried. I feel uncomfortable with my lack of anxiety. Usually this is what motivates me to study and to do well. Lately, I seem to have developed a very apathetic attitude towards school. I'm at a loss to explain it. I'm getting tired of "doing", of being productive. I'm constantly being pushed by the world to do do do do. It's endless: devotional time, prayer, research, essays, proposals, readings, tests, resume writing, job applications, volunteer applications, networking, the LSAT, law school, graduate school applications, social excursions, family commitments, reformating my computer, calling the embassy in Mozambique, internships etc.... the list goes on and on. After awhile I get lost in tasks. When I finally have a moments peace, I just want to sleep and relax. But even after all my justification and rationalizing, I have tremendous guilt. I'm worried that nothing will ever motivate me. At the beginning of 1st term I was so enthusiastic. Every time I sat in class I could feel God's spirit all over me, pushing me, exciting me, driving me to learn. Now I feel dismay. I don't know what to do or how to fix this.

it's becoming a bit much

I am offended by the things people say to me; by the words they speak into my life. Who told you that? Was it really God or did you just feel haughty and speak impetuously? I’m so tired of people speaking words into my life before God does. I am so sick of having to hear that I am one way and not another from someone else who is not my Father. If God knows me better than I know myself, what makes you assume you can point the finger and tell me who I am? What makes you feel so self-righteous? What arrogance! Shouldn't you ask the Lord what He thinks of your words before you speak them? Do you ever consider, even if you are correct in your judgement, that perhaps you should not utter it? Do you think that all knowledge is from God for you to speak?

Furthermore, I am so sick of this bullshit about alternative lifestyles. I quote: “We only eat whole grain bread”, “we don’t eat white flour”, we don’t bank at this institution”, “we only drink fair trade coffee”, “I don't watch tv”, "my children have to use clothe diapers", I make my own organic baby food", “my vitamins absorb quicker than yours”, "I only use non-toxic products”, “Did you know that no matter how much spinach you eat, if it’s not organic, you’re not really getting any nutrients”, "You shouldn't drink pop, it's bad for you", "red meat is unhealthy", "I eat meat, but only if it's organic". Argh!!!!! Who cares!

I am constantly under a microscope; always being inspected, always being watched. I can’t breathe without commentary. I am trapped by this constant nagging. This never ending expectation. It’s strangling me.

There is nothing either good or bad; but thinking makes it so.- Hamlet, II, ii, 259

An ode to Luke and Ann Marie

Ahh... I love my friends. They are the bestest :)

Tonight after church I was in a foul mood. I felt so disconnected and yucky. I can't explain it. Blah.

As I was leaving to go to the subway (actually, I was in quite a hasty rush) Ann Marie ran after me. "I'm not letting you go home alone" she said. So I decided to go out to Lone Star with her and Luke for some free food (compliments of Luke's dad's coupons). We ordered 1lb of fajitas and a nice shrimp appetizer. I'm stuffed.

The food was delicious, but the company was even better, which cheered me up almost instantly. YAY!! Now I am very happy. I laughed all the way home on the bus as Luke did impressions of Sean Connery in French, German and Spanish. It's hard to believe that's possible but he pulled it off so convincingly.

God is so good to me.

Take me away with you

My week of horribleness is almost over. I have one more test left to write, which is a finance test tomorrow. Tonight I wrote another test in issues in international development. I think it went well. I had this long (very whispery) conversation with my prof during the test about Christianity and what church I go to. It was so cool. I love how some of my profs are Christians. It puts things into perspective for me and makes me realize that God's people are working everywhere.

On the way home from school I got into a very intense discussion with two of my classmates about development and how in reality it is really a pointless field that changes nothing. Basically the world is full of greed and ego-centricity and that at the end of the day if we had a choice of choosing between someone else and ourselves, truth be told, we would choose ourselves. I'm not sure if I subscribe to this belief. I feel it is rather cynical. I really didn't know what to say about this and so for the first time in quite awhile, I didn't speak. I began to seriously question what I would do if I had to choose. I am preoccupied with so many things: law school applications, LSATs, MA programs, money, my hair, boys, my life; in a way, I am no different than the people being described by my classmates. Here I am consumed with self, having selfish motives and being viewed by some as being selfless. I would hope that I would choose someone else, like Christ did. That I would give of myself so completely that my own life would not matter. I feel I am not at that point yet and it is something I definitely want to aim for. When I think about working overseas I worry about being injured, being threatened and even being killed. In the long run, these things should not matter to me, especially if this is what God is calling me to do with my life. I need to put my flesh aside and let God take me away, let Him take control.

That is so hard.

Words: the power to heal or hurt, to bring life or death

Your seeds blow into my garden, friend,
and nestle among my flowers
in the soft sweet soil of my garden plot
they wait for the sun and the showers
whatever you grow in your garden, friend,
of beauty or ugly weed
the fall will come and the wind will blow
and over will come your seed.

Your words blow into my life, my friend,
whether of good or ill.
your thoughts fly over like ships of love
or daggers that pierce and kill.
your smiles blow into my heart, dear friend,
and neighbour across the way
they blow and blossom in buds of love,
a blessing to life all day.

frustrated and distracted

Have you ever wanted something so badly that just the thought of it drives you crazy? I tell you, I am going INSANE! Wanting what you can't have can be very taxing on one's nerves. It's also very distracting when you have class pertaining to important Visa permit information and NGO registration.

Argh...

When God tells you something, listen.
After he's finished, be obedient.
Trust me, it will save you so much grief.
Also, if you fall; don't be too hard on yourself.
God's grace is sufficient

Politics, politics, politics

I have discovered that I truly am a political science gal. I thought I was all about history, but now I am realizing political science makes me so happy. Just the mere mentioning of something political grabs my interest. So much so that I must interrupt and state my opinion. Sorry, sometimes I just can't hold back. Yesterday I got to chat about the results of the Cdn. election with a friend. We moved from Conservative radicalism, to Cdn. foreign policy, to US foreign policy, to Israel and the 6 Day War, and fianlly settled on Iran and nuclear policy. It was a rather lengthy conversation as it took place over Messenger. I so enjoyed it. I think political discussion is becoming a lot easier for me as I am not as emotional. I used to get upset when someone would disagree, especially if it was regarding the effectiveness of the UN or about the uses of the WTO, WB or IMF. Now I have a better grasp on my emotions (or rather my temper) and accept defeat if I must. I'm hoping my concessions are becoming less in number as I get better and more informed. I should have joined the debating team at Hart House when I was at UofT. I could have kicked ass.

Speaking of kicking ass, did anyone hear about the election results in Palestine? Hamas won!! Not that I am supporting a party which has underground Muslim radicals and a secret militant wing (although not really secret), I just think it will cause a lot of turmoil for the US. I'm not anti-US, but certainly interested in learning their new strategy in the Middle East. It would be so contradictory for the US to talk about democracy for all while attempting to remove a democratically elected government. Mind you, that wouldn't surprise me. I could really rant about that.

Despite my renewed interest in poli-sci, I still adore history. Today, Lavle lent me a book on the rise of western civilization. I was so excited when Ann Marie handed it to me that I started to read through the table of contents aloud. She was so interested in it, she asked to read it after I'm done. Not only will this apartment be a place full of God's grace and love(yes, that sounds incredibly lame, but alas, it's true), it will be full of smarty pants girls who know history and politics.

Woo hoo!

Gray hairs and miscellaneous

I'm at school and I just went to the bathroom and as I was washing my hands, I noticed something in my hair. It appeared to be a very shiny light blond strand of hair. It was gleeming in the light. As I looked closer to inspect the lovely strand I noticed it was no longer blond. It was white. I can't believe I have a gray hair! I promptly plucked it out. I hope that saying about two more gray hairs growing back in is not true. This may sound lame but I feel so old. I'm only 24 and I'm getting gray hair!!! The next thing to expect is baldness. Oh Lord help me!

On to better news. I got a laptop yesterday. It's "pretty". I love it. I bought a rip-off of a warranty, which I have decided to return. I've also decided I'm going to spend all my free time in cafes and coffee shops writing essays and journalling. I can't wait. I also get to watch DVDs on it, which makes me happy. (yay!!) I'm also getting internet service tomorrow. The Rogers guy is coming at 8am. Yes, it's early but it was the only time for him to come. I guess I best be up and ready. I'm so glad to be getting the internet. I can finally connect with the real world. Not having email and the web has been really hard on me, especially considering I use them so much for school. It feels as though I haven't actually started yet.

So... school really begins tomorrow.

Right now I'm at Minaker's house. I'm using the net cuz I don't have it at home. Lavle is here with me, which makes this post most fun. I love Lavle. (Ha ha SUCKAS, too bad you can't be here to enjoy him.) I also made salsa dip tonight. Unfortuantely I was unable to go to Value Village to get a serving plate for it. I had to use one of Luke's plates instead. The dip was quite yummy though. We ate it all in less than twenty minutes. Lucky for Ann Marie I saved her some. Soooo good.

After LR we ended up watching Firefly. It's this television show that got cancelled after only one season. I don't know why. It's quite good. THe main character always gets seriously injured in every show. I like it cuz at least there is some action albeit unrealistic.

Anywho, tonight I actually blushed for the first time in months. It usually takes a lot to make me blush. I have to say, I never thought Luke could pull it off. Oh Lukie, you're a quick one.

tee hee

Self-loathing

What a terrible day. I suppose it's not really terrible. I just feel so blah. You know those days when you just feel down and you can't pinpoint it? Something is aching in your heart, but you can't quite name it? Something deep inside just feels... empty. I feel so alone today. More alone than ever before. I need my Father so badly. I just need one touch, one word, just a little piece of glory so I can have some peace. Anything, as long as it takes this feeling away, even if it's for a moment. Nothing is right it seems. I could eat lunch with Nelson Mandela today and it wouldn't matter (yeah, seems weird, but I think that would make my life super perfect if I could say I ate lunch with Nelson Mandela. I wonder what he would order?). Why him? I don't know? I imagine he would say something super inspirational to make me refocus my life and help me realign my priorities, maybe push me to see beyond myself for once. Even if I did finally become selfless and changed. Even if I had recognition, fame, status and brains; (improper use of a semi-colon) deep down, I would still feel this longing, this brokeness. I hate it and all it represents. I'm nauseous just thinking of it.

I hate my neediness.

Finally a post, let's hope it's interesting

Considing I have not written anything in over a month, I thought it was due time to post something. As for what? I don't know? I have to be honest here, I really am finding this whole blogging thing rather boring. I mean, I could write all the things that go through my head on a regular basis, but that would mean that everyone would read it. Do I really want my personal information, my personal thoughts and feelings read by people who I may not even trust or like. Now, I'm sure I like most of you, well... maybe not. Actually, I imagine there are some people who read this blog who I absolutely loath.

Anyways, I guess I should write something pertinent. Today I started school. It's going to be CRAZY. At the end of this term we have to do a relief simulation. This sounds exciting and absolutly terrifying. It's very lifelike and we have to deal with terrorist threats, security issues, bribes, fraud, poor planning etc... What's worse is that this simulation makes or breaks my mark. My professor said that students last year found it SO stressful that some actually decided to not go into development work. That makes me rather nervous. I also have this huge project, which was assigned today. I have to choose a country where I haven't travelled to and develop this ridiculously detailed implementation plan. It all sounds really boring but it's SO much work. I have to phone all these consulates and embassies. I've only had one class and I feel like I have tons to do.

Minus all the school work, life is pretty good. I'm living in my new place, which is now finally coming together. I had tons of junk in my room that I cleaned up over the weekend. I can now see my floor and walk freely without tripping over my belongings. I also spent the weekend catching up with some good friends. I spent Friday night with Luke. We watched this movie called the Insider, recommended by Karl. No offense to Karl, but it was kinda boring and very slow moving. In fact it was so slow moving, I was getting stressed and frustrated just watching it. The best part of the whole night was when we had blueberry cheesecake (sooooo good, drool). Of course, Luke was good company too:) On Saturday I went to a Ukrainian Christmas party and got to hang out with some really great people. I ended up going to play in the snow at Christie Pits and had lots of fun playing on the equipment and making snow angels. I also got the best gift from Lastly and Elaine. It's a jar specifically for saving money for shoes. It's all pink and girly and has all these shoes on it. I was so excited, I promptly put money in. On Sunday night I got to hang out and chat with two people I admire, Jonathan amd Dave. All in all, it was a busy yet pleasant weekend. Oh, did I also mention that I live with Ann Marie who is the bestest person ever?!! MMway good.

This week looks good too. I get to see my momsie and grandma on Wednesday in the morning and then in the afternooon I get to go shopping with Heather. I'm also planning a Bollywood night with some girlfriends from school, which I'm really looking forward to. We're all going to wear our sarees and salwars (sp?)and eat Indian food. Yummy. I can't wait to hear some really cheesy Indian music. Perhaps we'll watch Bunty Aur Babli so I can sing Kajra Re all week. It was playing everywhere while I was in India. It's so catchy.

Well, I think I've written enough for now. Perhaps I shall write again in another month.